Frame of Reference

Sometimes in life, things happen. There are bad things and good things. I maintain that you have to experience bad things in order to appreciate the good things. Lately, I've gotten a lot of good things. Maybe it's the holidays or maybe it's just that I got lucky enough to be surrounded by good people, well, mostly. I watched a Bones episode tonight with my mom. It was really, really, old. I heard this song near the end. It really touched me. I memorized the lyrics that I could catch and looked it up. It's called Bring On The Wonder by Susan Enan: I can't see the stars anymore living here Let's go to the hills where the outlines are clear Bring on the wonder Bring on the song I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long I fell through the cracks at the end of our street Let's go to the beach, get the sand through our feet I've also made a necklace I'm a bit proud of.  

I've been M.I.A. Some things have shifted and taken a period of adjustment. I've slept a lot. I haven't been taking pictures or making necklaces or drawing much. A little bit though. Here and there. I don't know what I've been waiting for. Someone to pick me up and solve all of my problems? I wish. I guess that I've been waiting on myself to snap out of it. I need to relax. Sometimes I have a really bad tendency to get worked up about things. I can't stop worrying. But I can. I can make myself stop worrying. Practice some coping techniques. Redirect my attention and what not. It's amusing to me that today starts the official countdown for the Mayan calender ending. I find their culture fascinating and plan to read more about them. Conspiracy theories abound. Oh, and the aliens! So maybe this is it. No big bang or gut check. Maybe it's just a quiet return to normalcy and positivity. No fanfare. Today was a very painful day. I did get a picture o...

There is a song by Snow Patrol called "Chasing Cars". I feel like I've been just lying down. Did I press pause or was the pause button pressed for me? How do you take responsibility for something that you have no idea how it happened? I should know by now how to kick start inspiration. I feel as if it is a finicky creature and comes and goes as it pleases. But I don't want to be passive about it any longer. I want to take control of it. If nothing else, as I've been sitting still, I've been thinking. A lot. Too much?

A blinking cursor is an obnoxious thing to stare at. You start to personify it and give it feelings, intentions. You know it's just sitting there, blinking, mocking you.

I finished my bird painting a week or so ago, I think. I've noticed I can't keep up with time very well lately. I am not sure if it's because I am so preoccupied, or scattered, or refusing to think, or what. Who knows? Who cares? Like always, I see nothing but the flaws. That being said, I am decently pleased with how this turned out. It was my first attempt. I know it can only get better from here. I'm playing around with colors vs. black and white. I keep seeing a fox, but I might play with a wolf. I can't decide.  My boss at work makes a lot of sculpture things with polymer clay. She brings in her unused, left over scraps for me. I thought this would make a great Mardi Gras necklace!  I read an article that this illustrator wrote. It was titled "Things I wish they had told me in art class." One of the things that really stuck with me was this part where he talks about not downplaying your art. He told of this time where he got publish...

Is this a tool or is this an outlet for my inner ramblings and thoughts? Sometimes things suck. Why do some things get on our nerves more so one day than other days? Why does one, small, seemingly insignificant event gnaw at the very core of our being, but only sometimes.

I don't like the fact that it gets so dark so early. My body thinks it's 9pm, but when I look at the clock, it's only 7pm. So much stress. Sometimes you just have to laugh. And this made me laugh... out loud! :p

Only one. I think I've called out bad grammar 3 times in so many days. I'm not a perfect user of it myself, however, sometimes it's overwhelmingly bad. Especially in this particular geographical location. It's freezing and overcast. It's like ... winter or something. I'm in my head too much. I feel deep and philosophical. What's the best thing for getting back in the shallow end? Totally random fact: Spaghetti is one of the better things to vomit. It doesn't hurt quite so bad coming up. However, the noodles in the sinus cavity is a very gross feeling. Just saying.

I had a fire dream/episode. The more that I say it, the farther away it feels. I still have to talk myself down sometimes. I was at a park today to take pictures. I think someone close by was burning stuff in their yard. I almost got back into my car, but it wasn't so bad. I just hate that it affects me at all.

She's right. I am mud. I'm only not causing chaos because the "targets have removed themselves". My thoughts get so overwhelming that I often find myself escaping with sleep. It's my "off" switch. Because I sit and think. I do good for people. I go out of my way to be there for people. To do good things for them. I've never been malicious. I don't think that I could be, intentionally. But unintentional is not an excuse either. So I think that I will paint. With the music in my headphones turned up to drown out whatever is in my head.

I finally made the kitty litter cake. It tasted better than I thought! Crumbled up chocolate cake + Crumbled up vanilla wafers + Vanilla Pudding + Melted tootsie rolls.  Another gross edible treat tray I made. String cheese + Sliced Almonds + Strawberry Jello Powder for blood.   Not Halloweenish at all, but something I worked on for the better part of today.  My attempt at face painting. I think I could get better with practice! 

I am absolutely in love with the new show, Once Upon A Time. It is such a great show! I love the special effects, I love the plot, I love the characters. Well, Henry is a bit grating, but he's kind of essential. I'm hoping he'll grow into his character more. And a BLACK UNICORN?! Oh hellz yeah! So I was watching television this morning, flipping through movies. There was absolutely nothing on except this awful, AWFUL, movie called Altitude. The premise was a bunch of teenagers on a plane with a rookie pilot who must join together to battle paranormal forces. Yeah, It was as bad as it sounded. I dozed a bit and worked on my laptop a bit. The credits started rolling and who do I hear? TEGAN AND SARA! Their song "Divided" is playing during the credits. 'Cause I know I think of science fiction and plane crashes when I hear that song. It was so random and weird. Took a few pictures today that I was pleasantly pleased with. It's funny how I can spend a large a...

Why is luck portrayed as a lady? Because it's fickle, because it's unpredictable? Things that make you wonder. Everyone around me is sick. I suppose it's only a matter of time until it's my turn. Or maybe not. Maybe working in a doctors office has payed off to a certain extent. I'm not trying to jinx myself, though! Yikes. I am beyond frustrated. I feel like I'm spending all of my efforts shoving square pegs through circle openings. I feel like it's my mind though, my thoughts. And I could rationalize and the openings would become square. But I want to get to the point where there are no openings at all. I like that I have my 365 to focus on. It's hard and horribly inconvenient and it pushes me. If only I can continue to push myself to keep on it.

I finished the Night Circus. I would highly recommend it. The first part is a bit confusing, like I've mentioned. The imagery that the author writes/creates is fascinating. It really made me wish to be a part of that world. It was so..fantastical but so realistic. It's very hard to explain. I think my favorite line, summarized, of course is "There is nothing special or extraordinary about you. You weren't chosen out of many. You were simply at the right place at the right time." I watched 50/50. A very good, simple movie. Understated I think. Angelica Huston's character was so....different for her. I guess she will always be Morticia for me, or the witch that turned that little boy into a mouse. I can't remember the title. I hate it when that happens! "So are you, like, Doogie Howser?" "Ummm, who?" "The teenage doctor?" "Ummm, does he work here??" "Nevermind."

Dare I say that today has been a good day? Sure, there are issues. Sure, I still have no answers or guidance. Sure, I have to go to work. But gosh darn it I am handling it all a lot better today. With a smile even! Maybe it's the company, maybe it's me. We are in charge of our own happiness anyway, right? But laughter and goofiness certainly doesn't hurt. I love making people laugh, especially at my own dorkiness. I call it cleverness, but to each their own. Bailey is doing a bit better with her OCD and scratching. I think the antihistamines are starting to work a bit. She still acts like her skin is crawling sometimes, poor baby. And lastly, in my own fit of TOTAL GEEKERY.... I laughed out loud at this one... Why? Cause it's happened to me.

Does distance matter? How can you feel so close to someone when they are far away? How can you feel so far away from someone when they are standing right in front of you? Oceans between us yet ... I got a card from my dad. It's funny, I got it on the same day that I saw Tom. Mixed feelings all around about that and what was said and not said. I love the card though. It's right by my bed.    Almost finished with the Night Circus. It's gotten quite good!

...Doesn't Look Back...? Sarah B. It's over, technically. The last big weekend of the year. Shrimp fest is in the can. Really proud of my parental unit for contributing and participating. Never stops surprising me. Now the rumors in the mill will speed and procreate. Will we close soon, will this be the year that we stay open? I don't care either way. I don't have room inside to care for much. I turn it off. I want to turn all of it off, except the beauty. "Throw yourself into creativity." Maybe it will make the bad go away.

.. When I close my eyes .. I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt of Tegan and Sara. I was hanging out with both of them. Feelings for Sara became evident. We kissed. Tegan was cool with it. Flash to an under water assignment of some sort. Almost like the old show SeaQuest. We were being "shot" down to an under water city/lab. I was going with a male. We had to hold hands and hold our breath. But we were allowed a certain number of breaths because the journey was a long one. I was holding his arm. We get catapulted, shot, whatever. After a few hundred yards I start losing sensation in my body. I grip his arm with my nails. I can only feel my nails digging into his arm. I am breathing very fast, too fast. I wake up and I am not in the under water facility. I'm angry and questioning the people around me. They said that I exceeded the allowed breaths. I took 154 breaths in a little over a minute or something crazy. I woke up soon after that. My chest was sore. My...

I hope to have that exact same thought right before I die. 

...If you knew, what I was left imagining... ~Billie Myers I am sick. Insert AND not OR. I am sick of people. Good news, fluid filled. No further actions need to be taken. Await further instructions or discomfort. I am self involved.

Last night I had a Lucid Dream. It only last for a few moments, probably seconds in reality, but I was still amazed upon awakening. I was in a vehicle, almost like a VW bus or a van because I was in the front facing everyone. I suddenly and jarringly realized I was dreaming. Like a huge dork, I decreed this fact to everyone present, as in, "Oh my god, I'm dreaming! I'm dreaming right now!" As soon as I said this the edges of my vision started to go fuzzy and semi-static like. I knew that I was going to lose the dream if I didn't ground myself. I grabbed the closest person next to me by their face and kissed them. I mean, really, passionately, kissed them. The colors snapped back into place and got even more vivid. A lot of yellows and blues. I had to of had a huge grin plastered to my face when I pulled away. I lost the dream after that. It's a good thing that I had a good dream to hold onto, seeing as my day wasn't that great. Not looking forward to tom...

Between last night and tonight there was a $400 dollar difference in my sales. The difference in my tips was $10. Such is life at a restaurant. So much. I hate the way I feel inside when I am told things. I wish there was a switch for emotional reactions i.e. responses. I'm on the precipice.

... You Always Say More. I got a haircut today. It is nothing like the explanation that I gave NOR the picture I had. I had a PICTURE and it was cut wrong. *sigh* I guess that's what you get for $15.00. Oh well, it is just hair and I know that it will grow back very quickly. Still, I have to be frustrated with it for at least the next 2 to 4 weeks. Had a great painting session in my garage this evening. I love that the weather is getting cooler and more outdoor activities can be partaken in. BEHOLD --> I'm not very good with water colors. I think I need to BLEND more, but it was very appropriate for October and I am down with trying new things. Cause you just never know what you will discover. Like sitting on a skate board can be just as fun as semi-riding one. Anxiety filled.... again. 

I'm really digging the song "Contrails" by Astronautalis. My favorite line? -  " What kind of fool is so stupid to climb a mountain to do it, Then climb back down to the town without a picture to prove it?" Tegan's vocals certainly don't hurt. I'm also reading The Night Circus  by Erin Morgenstern. I like the concept. I don't like jumping around in time as much. Backwards and forwards. She also switches point of view a lot, first person, third person, etc. I don't like that either. It really takes me out of the story. I appreciate the effort to be different than most popular fiction writers though. So I deal. We'll see. What's really embarrassing is that I keep getting the female characters confused. I had a moment of, "WAIT! I thought that was his daughter, not her!"

I need a new location. There are plenty around, it's just about being less self conscious and less lazy. I took Bailey to the park today. It was Barktoberfest or Bark in the Park. Either way, she had a lot of fun. I was really impressed. She had no aggression or fear for any other dogs. Even gigantic Mastiffs that came up to my arm pit. Seriously, looked like bears! She was wearing a skeleton "outfit" and blended right in with the fairies and lizards and football players. It was cute. A bit crowded and I get claustrophobic pretty easily. I need to snap a picture of her in her costume, but she was over it and wanted it off STAT. Work already? Seems like I just started my days off. October is going to be busy. I feel uneasy and anxious.

I had another nightmare last night. I dreamt of a tornado again. This time a crowd of people in a huge warehouse, much like a movie theatre but without screens. A lot of rooms, connected by small doorways. The ceilings were so high in some rooms that you couldn't see them. It was storming outside very badly. I don't remember much, except screaming, none of it mine. I remember ceiling tiles being ripped up and sucked into the air. Walls following shortly after. There was aftermath. Walking amongst lost people who kept asking me if I've seen so and so. But I lost everybody and couldn't muster up enough emotion to even answer them. I just kept walking over ruble. Angry. I was shown captions of pictures hidden from my view. It makes me feel better on one hand and sad on the other. I guess the strongest emotion is appreciation for the desire to make me feel better in the first place. I really feel like I am challenging myself. I am glad to have time off. 

I feel as if I have been working for 2 weeks straight already. Did some light painting tonight with my camera. I have a lot, A LOT, to learn. I think I'm on the right track though. I had another bad dream. I was living in a neighborhood on a hill. It was dark. For some reason the U.S. attacked Egypt and we lost. Our whole government was overrun. People started attacking Americans like we were animals. But it was instantaneous. The news was on and we saw the attack go awry, right after we could hear people getting attacked down the street. I was with other people and we knew we had to leave the house. Our neighborhood was turning into a war zone itself. Whatever we did, we knew that we couldn't speak. As soon as our accents were heard, we'd be killed. 

So the work week starts for me today. I did get to enjoy the seafood festival downtown. It's so much fun walking around and looking at art, getting inspired, people watching, and listening to live music. It was a bit hot, but I think we made it home before it got too bad, for me at least. I found a new artist. Her name is L'Aura. She's Italian and a little bit similar to Elisa. Her voice also reminds me a bit of Ayria. She can make her voice go way deep and way high like Ayria or Emilie Autumn. I really love the song "I'm so Fucked up I can Barely Walk". It's one of those songs that is very catchy and lyrical and then you're all...."wait, what did she just say??" Another new necklace. I was sitting at the bar at work and decided to piece together some loose gears I had to make one pendant. It didn't work that well since I didn't have any tools, so I brought it home and fixed it up a bit. I really like it, one of my favorites.  B...

When the eyes of a stranger can tell you such lies it's not a coincidence that these run on sentences are mouthfuls of sand. Without a plan I start kicking words together and apart. I feel as if I can control some semblance and steady the stitches being torn from a bloody heart. Enough music played in deaf ears can induce tempo. Wicked footprints play with volumed loneliness and broken truths. Sandcastles. Run on and through them, like sentences.

One of my bosses walked up to me and started to say something. She stopped mid-sentence and scrunched up her eyebrows surveying my neck area. "Wow," She touched my shoulders. "You have really broad shoulders!" Then proceeded to forget what she was going to tell me in the first place.

... and erased forever.

Turmoil and soul searching. How much am I at fault? Does it even matter? Pieces are broken and lessons are learned and life goes on. Sitting and blaming doesn't change anything. I've learned so much about what is for the best, what people need, what people want, and what things are necessary. They don't always line up with my core believing, but neither does the hope that unicorns really exist. Words are shit and do nothing. So does the absence of words and that is something I think I am always going to struggle with. A funny story, the skate board show. I walk in and a voice behind me asks, "Are you an artist?" I smile and say in a cocky voice, "Yep, sure am!" while turning around. I meet eyes with this girl and instant recognition makes both of our eyes widen. Like a dumbass I can't remember from where I know this person, but it's obvious she knows very well and it's not a good thing. She has put this whole show together and she's an a...

I drove under a huge American flag yesterday. They were displaying it for today. It's weird to me. I don't really have any words or insightful thoughts about this anniversary. I don't examine the feelings that form when I see magazine covers of the children whose parents died that day. It seems a bit exploitative. I don't think that many people would share that viewpoint with me though. What's the media if not a machine to manipulate emotions though? In other, slightly less dire news, I finished "Catching Fire". The Second book in the Hunger Game Trilogy. I liked it better than the first! I kept thinking after reading the first book that there didn't seem to be much left in the story, or a direction that the author could take that were centered on the games. Seemed to solve that problem rather quickly. I'm already a couple of chapters into the third book. Not starting out great, and I'm beginning to lose patience with this girl getting hurt so...

This is the completed skateboard for the Waterboyz tricked Out Art Show. I am okay with how it turned out. I can see all of the flaws and I've changed it multiple times. I had to take it today so I would just stop messing with it. I'm not getting my hopes up, though. I don't even really want to go to the show. If I do go, I want to go incognito. I don't want to be acknowledged. I guess that's a bit weird. I've been feeling a bit weird lately. Disconnected. Very grateful for the people in my life who make it worth it. To laugh, to be acknowledged, that's what it's about. Maybe I have a cold inside of me, a little bit sick emotionally. Because I realize that I've just contradicted myself. Ugh.

It was slow at work as I thought it might be. People got sent home. I, on the other hand, got to be the bartender. ALL BY MYSELF! For real. I thought it was the coolest thing ever! I made at least 6 Long Islands among all the frozen drinks and beers. It's really a lot of fun! I'm sure I made them way stronger than they are supposed to be, but I didn't get any complaints! I almost was equally as tired by not walking around so much as when I do walk around a lot though. I hope I get to do it more! Everyone knows that infomercials rule the night. What's even worse than watching them, is being forced to watch them in an emergency room that is sitting at a cool 50 degrees at 4 in the morning. In between counting my goosebumps, I got to learn how the steam shark mop is the lightest model yet and is practically being GIVEN away. Watching pus that too closely resembles cottage cheese being squeezed out of a leg wound the size of a half dollar is on a whole other level of enter...

Tropical Storm Lee is officially here. People at work were optimistic at the beginning of the shift yesterday. However, by sundown it was obvious that the public was steering clear of the beach this weekend. Well, duh... I would have too! I got sent home around 7. We have even more staff scheduled for today. I am anxious to see how it's going to turn out. I think everyone should just stay home and sleep! I read The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins in about a day and a half at work. I picked it up on a whim after hearing they were making it into a movie. It was ... a lot more violent than I had anticipated. I think it was more jarring because the characters were kids, killing each other. It was akin to gladiator games from Ancient Rome set in the future with kids instead of slaves and criminals. Very entertaining and I will be interested to see how they turn it into a movie. The only fault I had was that Katniss seemed a bit flat to me. We got to see inside of her head, but th...

"You say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains. You say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines. You say that you love the wind, but you close your windows when wind blows. This is why I am afraid, you say that you love me too." (I've searched everywhere for the origin of this passage. Most have it credited to William Shakespeare, but I don't think it's his style. I found a site that said it was derived from a german text, but still can not find the author. Speaks to me anyway, so I will credit "Anonymous" Spray paint I did as inspiration for the skateboard deck.