Frame of Reference

By far, hands down, the worst day of my job to date. All because of 1 man-child co-worker. I won't go into the numerous reasons, let's just do cliff's notes: Him: "I'm gonna go get a drink at the gas station, you want anything?" Me: "No, thank you." Note: This gas station is literally 0.5 miles away. 1 hour later he comes sashaying into the guard shack with krispy kreme donuts and two frozen drink concoctions. I could turn my back on his unsavory devouring of such things but couldn't block out the sound no matter how hard I tried. Him: "I told on you for letting the kids on, so if you get reamed, that's why. He He" Me: **Blink** Him: "I'm just going to put my sunglasses on because I have a lazy eye." This after he's been in my presence for 7 hours with no sunglasses. He proceeds to lay back in the office chair as if it's a lazy boy recliner and fall promptly to sleep. I record a good 4 minutes on m...

So it's Caiden's first dentist appointment. (late I know) but better late than never. We wake up at 9am and try to eat breakfast. He's in a good mood which is unusual for being woken up but he's not hungry. No forcing him in my opinion. We drive to the dentist and talk about what's going to happen...literally 59 times, oh and sing the alphabet song at least 13 times. I pull into the parking spot in front of the building and little man vomits everywhere. I'm staring at him in shock and his eyes start to well up with tears. "I got sick adrienne," He says pitifully. "Yeah you did man, do you feel better?" I can see he takes this question very seriously. "Yeah!! I feel better!!" He responds enthusiastically. I smile really big and say, "Well that's awesome!" He's not sure how to process what's happening but eventually smiles and agrees with me. I didn't even know he didn't feel well, I have no change of clo...

So I got excused from Jury Duty and was able to make it to my class!! So glad I didn't email my professor about it. I'm very worried about this project that we have. It requires a lot of html programming which...let's face it, I suck at. My brain doesn't process information in code. I went to a workshop today and tried to get help but nada. I think I'm over thinking it. I'm going to back off of it for one day and tackle it on Wednesday. I can't believe that school will be out for an entire two weeks. Whatever will I do with actual free time?? Actually the thought terrifies me. I should start making plans now. I always wanted to skip over the small steps and just take giant leaps in things. I wanted to become the expert photographer, the expert juggler, the expert poet, the expert artist... This whole process of losing someone and rebuilding myself and falling down all of the time has taught me that it really is about the little steps. You can wake up ev...

I guess it's all a learning process. The only thing that we can really do is be true to ourselves. I couldn't lie to myself anymore and say that I wanted to be friends. I honestly, whole heartedly, believed that I could do it. That I could defy the odds and the statistics. But I can't, and that's okay. I went to the movies today. I was supposed to go with a friend but they canceled on me. So, I just went by myself. What made it even more hilarious was that I was the only one in the entire theatre. That was... that was weird. I got over it rather quickly though. Now it's just time to cram for my 4 tests in the next two weeks not to mention 5 home work assignments and a project. Did I mention the jury duty and doctors appointments too, no? "No one will walk through the door if you keep letting someone else's shadow darken it."

My bites hurt. It's cool to have a vampire like bite on my neck though. It's awesome that they aren't full of puss or oozing or anything, just red, raised, bumps. Lots of side ways glances. Makes me giggle. I've had that happen often with my neck. Human bites, bug bites, scratches... Things that make you go humm. Time for pretty pictures, although the marker colors are not my favorite combination. I was going for a stained glass old world cathedral roman classical greek thingie. Kind of ended up looking like the bottom of a swimming pool though.

"Hey child, stay wild" I've been going through the motions a bit the past couple of days. I think I am consumed with the tests that are coming up this week. The coming semester is going to be even more of a time cruncher. My job is talking about ending the contract at the end of the year. My house has been very tense.  I believe that sometimes I compartmentalize to a point where a little bit of me shuts down. Maybe that is normal and maybe that is why I am so blindsided by emotion when it hits me.  I have kind of been known to just say what I'm feeling, all of the time, about every single thing. A part of me feels.... wounded in a way about how that was such a problem and the way that it was shown to me.. anyway, I am overcompensating by doing the opposite of that. Like everything else it is rearing it's ugly head in physical manifestations. 

Yeah... I got nothing... How often does that happen??

Today was a little bit rough for me. There are a few main reasons why I 'journal'. To write down my thoughts To see if I can find 'triggers' It's a therapeutic outlet So I do these things that I shouldn't really do. Let's call them, bad decisions. And maybe if I can keep an accurate account of my feelings and thoughts then I can decipher what leads me to make those bad decisions.  Today... it was dead time. God did I try to fill the time. I colored two pages. I finished my stats homework. I worked ahead in chemistry as far as note taking goes. (An aside, I got an 88 on my Chemistry test). I would do the obligatory happy dance but I am not celebrating anything early in that class. We watched swordfish, and Jimmy Fallon, and Blood Diamond. I even walked my patrol instead of taking the truck with no air conditioning. I got home and thought I was tired enough for a nap. I wasn't. Still having intestinal issues. Did manage to do a few sit-ups and...

Sometimes I get the feeling that you played into the norm. That you expected me to play by the rules of society. You can only text this many times. You can't show up at my house. You can't bring me food when I'm sick. You can't expect me to text you back because that doesn't fit into the norm. I don't fit into the norm and I'm proud of that. You have to cherish those people that don't give up on you, right? I think it means something. More conspiracy theories.

I kind of plan on doing a big mural at the end of this pattern project. I thought it would be cool to feature each individual one here though. I don't think I would ever post these on things that people actually look at, like Facebook and such. I mean, it's just coloring. Not to demean other people's creations. I want to take all of these and combine them in a creative way. I do these as a stress management tool and to keep my hands occupied. I only ever do them at work because I have so much down time.  Such a weird night when I work with Indiana Jones. The things that come out of this mans mouth really make me wish I was on whatever he's on.  Example: "You know it's been documented that Hitler worked with Aliens. They were called Super men. They gave him access to technology...." "I saw a triangle UFO before. Well it was more cloud-like. It was in a bank of clouds. You had to really squint to see it in the clouds." "I think Hollyw...

So then you get blocked... I guess if you were looking for a sign, getting blocked would be one of them. I really have no words. I don't think I can process it. I think that anything I will say will be looked at as narcissistic or martyr/victim or placing blame, which is another concept I just have no concept of. Blame. Fault. Why is it so important? Two people let a car fall off of a cliff. Does it matter who's fault it is? Will that have any bearing on these people getting home, or getting a new car, or waking up tomorrow? I think my biggest... fault is that when an argument happens... I want to retrace the steps on the map that got us there. I think that can be viewed as placing blame but that's never my intention. I want to know what happened, what step was taken to get us here. As two people. Fault? You cannot sit there and say this is my fault it turned out this way. Did I hold a gun to your head and make you choose silence? No. My actions, my anxiety, my feelings...

Do you know what's the perfect ending to a kind of shitty day?  Struggling to shit and having a hemorrhoid or vessel burst or something happen and I feel blood just.... yeah. That mission was aborted.  After the initial pain and shock of such a thing happening I just start laughing. Comes a point. My family is in their respective corners after fighting. I couldn't make it to class because I couldn't stand up from my uterus literally carving the decleration of independence on the inside of my abdomen with a dull knife. I mowed the yard because I was pissed off and probably shouldn't have. Insert pulled muscle on the bottom of my foot, 7.5 mosquito bites, and 3 ant bites. My air conditioner is dying and it's killing my finances not to mention my patience with hearing about how hot everyone is. And here I am, trying to use the bathroom and end up getting stuck with the shit. That's cosmic hilarity right there.  Sometimes, most of the time.. you just have...

I've worked 53 hours since Friday. I got called in to work at 7 this morning, I just got off at 11 the previous evening. Pulled a 13 hour shift today on 6 hours of sleep and still managed to sneak off for two hours to go to class. It's 11:11 (makes me think of A) and I'm past the point of tired. I'm not even punch drunk, just a moving sack of bones with no coherent thought process. My alarm is set for 6:30 am for my biological statistical analysis class. This will all be worth it. For the first time since I can remember, I've actually used up markers from using them. Had an uncomfortably awkward conversation with my boss about inappropriate sexual remarks being made towards me that are making other guys uncomfortable that over hear it. I literally just rolled my eyes typing that sentence. Men are stupid, generally speaking. And they smell. Best part of my day? Coming home to huge bear hugs from my boys. Silence makes you lose your way in the details of nothing. ...

Happy Independence Day. This will be the last year that I spend it the way that I did. It wasn't terrible but things are going to change and that is exciting. All of this will be worth it. I still have a lot to say about giving up on people and friendships. Now isn't the time though. I was the receiver of a two month subscription to sirius xm and that is awesome! It's the little things like that that you have to really show appreciation for. I also thought about who I am writing this for. As of right now it's for myself, but how cool will it be if it sticks around until I'm an old lady? I know that I am a sentimental fool sometimes but I would love to have had a journal from my grandmother or my grandfather. I wish my entries were a bit more exciting, but it is my life and it's going to change, it changes a lot. Someday someone will think it's a cool little piece of me.

It's been... interesting. A few revelations that ... Were hard to come to. I don't understand why conversations are so hard sometimes. No ill will intended. A really hard thing for me is to not play into people's perceptions of me. I hate being predictable. I hate always playing out the stories that people expect. I wanted to post an entire soliloquy that's been on repeat in my head, but that's kind of dramatic. Or is it just who I am? Why not just say fuck everyone else and just be myself? The only problem is that.. maybe I don't know who I am. Maybe I don't like the person I was trying to be. I don't know. I'm sure this is a struggle that everyone deals with on a daily.