Frame of Reference

Birds in watercolor and hearts in ink Inspiration that makes you wonder Pain that makes you think The lipstick makes me pause I shouldn't bring it up The winter snows eventually thaw "Why'd she stop talking to you?" "I told her...." "You told her what? It had to be pretty awful. Did you go crossing a line again? You know you're so socially weird. Not even friends? You really wanted that. 6 years just gone, huh?" "Yeah, gone." "Well what happened? Did you stalk her? Harass her? Ask her family to put in a good word for ya? That'll do it you know, you never get family involved, eva!" "No, no.. nothing like that. I don't think. I mean, I did cross a line but I didn't know it at the time. My heart was in the right place, it's just...." "Then what? Did you send a friend request? That would have been stupid. You gotta respect it when someone cuts you out of their life ya know? Social medi...

"I just. I want to fix this. I HAVE to fix this!!" "You don't get to fix this, honey. All that you can do, all that you HAVE to do, is accept this. Accept your responsibility in this. Accept her reaction to it." "The only thing that can fix this is time. Maybe she will talk to you again, maybe she won't. But that is NOT for you to decide." "I didn't want this. I didn't choose this!!" "And that's where your immaturity is showing. It's not about you! She's choosing this. She wants this! If you care for her as much as you say you do you'll let her be."

Can I ask you something? I wanted to tell you that you're wrong. I wished that you were open to not always being right. It's worth it to me. This girl's voice....  https://youtu.be/_od6iqL2_eA This quote -> "Nothing ever ends poetically. It ends and we turn it into poetry. All that blood was never once beautiful. It was just red." ~ Kait Rokowski

Dark Road by Annie Lennox Grudge by Alanis Why do you keep looking? Random Conversations I've had this week: My dental hygienist said that I had beautiful hands and that I should be a hand model. I feel that's like the judges on American Idol telling a contestant they like their shirt.  Sitting next to a young guy at a job interview:  Him: So you don't have any pockets. Me looking down at the ID and phone I'm holding. "Nope, no pockets kind of pants." Him: Not even like secret ones? Me looking at him for any non-verbal ques of seriousness. "No, not even secret ones." Him: Man, another downer for being a chic, huh? But I know some girls that can just pull stuff out of their pants, like a bunch of stuff. Cause they have secret pockets on the inside. I could never be a girl. I couldn't wear pants with no pockets. Me:  ................ Him: .............. My father to whom I haven't spoken to in many months Him: So what socce...

You were the first To make me feel such pain For the rest of my life I will carry the stain Will you carry that knowledge  too? I'm so freaking excited that Elisa's new album is coming out on Saturday!! I shopped at JCPenny today. By myself. Not Ross, not Cato, not Walmart... actual stylish clothes. Made me smile. Second Interview, squeezed in-between my classes and field research tomorrow. I'm too busy to have a job, honestly. "It's not about having the perfect relationship, it's about finding someone who matches you and will go through everything with you, without giving up." ~I will never ever EVER give up on the person I find~

I thought about not writing for a while, until I can get through this. I thought I should keep it all private, I have to do it by myself after all. No one can help me through this. But I find that writing helps so much and this is mine. I'm going to try a new tactic. Everything else is changing and it's always a nice thing to try new things. Reinvent old ways and make discoveries. I can't always be happy and positive. There is no quick fix to this. I may have dipped my toes in last year, as a dear friend says, but I need to fully immerse myself in the shit in order to get better.  I have to feel and stop trying to fix. However, I don't want this to be incredibly morose and full of suicidal tendencies and pity parties. Wallowing isn't going to help either. So? What do all of those words mean? What's the point? Well, this is going to be a pin board of things that move me with a brief paragraph of automatic writing/poetry/prose etc. dedicated to what's going ...

"How many times are you going to cry over this?" Kind of the downside of living with people... you get called out on shit. But, I think I made a lot of really good decisions today. Not just for me, but for the people I care about. I heard things that I really needed to hear and I am so grateful for that. 'Cause man... hope is a spiteful bitch. She has a tendency to walk into dreams and rooms and make you feel like... there's hope. lol So she's out of the way now.... on both sides and hopefully (no pun intended) everyone can move on and be happy.

I'm going to beat this without medication. It can be done!

Was introduced to a concept that I'd never heard before a week ago, now I've heard and read about it in several places. It's called "gas-lighting". Apparently it's from the 1930's play and movie adaptation "gas light" and has been used quite regularly since then. News to me. Some signs that gas lighting might be occurring: You walk on egg shells because you don't know what will and won't set a person off You are constantly told you are too emotional and sensitive You find yourself apologizing and constantly taking the blame for things You are told that your memory of an event is wrong You stop talking about your issues for fear of ridicule I guess it's just a form of manipulation/abuse but I found it interesting that I've never heard of it before.

Isn't it funny the way it is...? When you start cramping, have to tell your best friend to leave you alone because their actions and attitude are too much, discover your roof is leaking, find a huge hole in your brand new roof, get told your a/c is ripped in half in the attic, your fridge and freezer stop working, your boys are sick and on antibiotics, find ants in your favorite rose, and your cat shits in the boys playroom for a week straight and.... you have no job. I mean, that's pretty fucking hilarious!! If you can't laugh at life and not be so serious, you're just gonna be miserable, and who wants to be miserable all of the time? Not me.

I wrote an entire essay about the definition of friendship. I deleted it. I wrote a paper on how hard I've tried and how defeated I feel. I watched the cursor eat the words with a malicious masochistic glee. I wrote about how hurt, angry, and frustrated I feel. I wrote about how I understand how difficult I can be and how I understand that things aren't always about me. Gone. Trash. None of it matters. Words don't matter, but they sure are pretty. And they hurt. So they do matter. It's a conundrum. Actions matter and they hurt. But nothing matters. Onward and upward.

"We don't have that kind of relationship?" "What kind of relationship do we have?" "One that ended. And ended badly." Not with a bang but with a whimper.

I think... I think I humiliated myself... But we don't stop being a good person because of several mistakes and humiliations. I guess we just dust ourselves off.

When you make a big change in your life, it can be as scary as hell. But when you are in a situation that you don't like, you have to change it.

I have sun poisoning, and probably lupus. (Just kidding, kind of) my joints (elbows, knees and jaw) are killing me. They are swollen and ache and if you google sunburn and joint pain... lupus. (Still jesting) First soccer practice. So much fun! It's hard not try to talk to him. I tried my hardest to let the coach actually coach. I also have to keep in mind he's 2. Learning skills and such, so cute. They are growing so fast. Had a lot on my mind today. Things should have stopped when I said I was done. I should have stopped, but I have some insane guilt that I'm carrying around with me and I want nothing more than for understanding to be had. It's just a little unfair that conversations and questions go unanswered when I cross a line (and rightfully so) but I don't get that same respect given to me. I don't give it to myself and I should. Boundaries, another lesson I'm learning. But I need to let that go. I made bad decisions and did things I regret, but ...

You haven't lived until you've been sitting on the toilet and a 3 year old ninja chops the door with his feet and calmly asked, "What're you doing'?" Seriously. No life until that happens to you. Have you ever gotten played? Have you not realized this has happened to you until after the fact???? Do you possess some sort of masochistic idea of karma and you tell yourself that you probably deserve it?

I had a pretty fantastic day! Even if it did start at 5 a.m. because I just ran out of time last night and still had a paper to write. I did it and it turned out well I think. Got the results of my test in Geomorphology - 95!! Not bad considering the entire test was essay questions. School went by quickly even though I didn't get out until 9:45pm, another late night and 13 hour day. Now to study study for my chem test on thursday. I HAVE to do well on it. I HAVE TO!! Bio blitz meeting at 9:30 (I'm on the committee because I didn't think I had enough going on). GTU meeting at 10, class at 11 and then home. Hopefully I can nap. That seems to be the time I sleep the very best! Bumble?