Frame of Reference

Yesterday, I saw a man drunkenly stagger out of a bar and hop onto a riding lawnmower. He was very elderly yet  maneuvered  that heavy machinery like it was a classic car. An elderly beagle also followed enthusiastically and had no trouble keeping pace. I thought to myself, well that's probably the most interesting thing I've witnessed in a while. The holidays were good. I had to work but made it work. The family came together just fine. Got a new job offer and I go in for testing on the 5th of January. I'm not sure how it's going to work with my school schedule but I have to make more money than I am making now. I've watched so many movies and have read so many books since school ended for the winter. I actually read a series by R.D. Brady that is phenomenal. She's definitely earned a top spot on my list of favorite authors. The Belial Series is the one I'm talking about. I believe there are 9 books and they were all very well written and very intriguing...

Feel it, feel it. Well, two employees were fired and one quit. We are down to 4 full-time employees and 3 part-time employees. 336 hours must be covered in 1 week. I'm not big on numbers at all, so the fact that I am using them to make a point illustrates just how dire I feel the situation is. Essentially, we are getting our asses handed to us by the company and we are all looking for greener pastures or at the very least, a vessel that does not seem to be sinking. (Cue Annie Lennox "Why") I feel myself missing and looking forward to school. It's crazy how quickly your brain realizes that it's not being stimulated. I imagine it's a situation similar to working out regularly. You start craving exercise. I don't work out so I wouldn't know, but I should. I'm also sure that as soon as school starts with the 18 hours that I'm taking, I will look at myself in the mirror and ask, "What the fuck were you thinking?" The emotional aspect co...

I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. I might not have made good decisions or made the choices that were best for me. A lot.... and I mean... A LOT was said about me during this trip. Not only from my family but from the people who knew me way back when. Messing with my head. Making me cry. Making me hate the situation that I'm in. Storming. Fitting.

Took a quick trip up to the Volunteer State. Just a few days, a little break. Observations and happenings: I do NOT like Chattanooga. At All. I think humans in traffic are amusing. Say you're stuck in traffic, stop and go and it takes 20 minutes to go 2 miles. There are 3 outcomes to this: #1 - The traffic magically disappears and you are on your way. This pisses you off. You are LITERALLY looking around for a reason for being stopped in the first place. You are basically enraged at the invisible 'cause' of your delay and more so because you can not SEE the cause. #2 - A minor fender bender. This causes an even larger rage at the drivers around you: "ARE YOU SERIOUS? THIS IS WHAT WE ARE SLOWING DOWN FOR? Rubbernecking rednecks." #3 - A serious accident. "Oh Hank, would you look at that!! Oh my lord, I hope everyone is okay. Oh, I'm gonna pray for them." No rage. You have been successfully justified for being stuck in traffic. Hilarious. I got...

Throwing myself into my studies, final grade in cartography - 93%!! I'm not bragging but that was a tough class that really tried my patience. My final in GIS kicked my ass. We shall see what the T.A. thinks of it, hopefully soon. Throwing myself into music to stop the voices and self doubt in my head. Especially this:   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_1-oylPHjs Work is still 'hard'. Although I feel silly complaining so much. At least I have a job. I have learned to not forgo my integrity just for a paycheck though. I see it coming to that and I'm hoping it changes course quickly.

I'm obviously being tested, literally and metaphorically. I have two finals to take next week, one for sure... the other one is up in there and dependent on how I did on the last test. I don't feel that confident but cautiously optimistic. That seems to be my mantra these days. Cautiously optimistic. I think once I finish this project tomorrow, I will be able to breathe a little bit easier. The other tests are multivariate. They hired a new guy. He's older and set in his ways and obviously has led a hard life. I'm pretty sure his picture is beside the definition of 'crotchety old man'. What I can NOT tolerate is the racial slurs and gender bashing. I also don't want to be the person that can't get along with people, in fact, I pride myself on being very tolerant. I just won't tolerate such hate-filled rhetoric. Suffice it to say that I have exceeded the 10,000 steps I strive for daily. I take A LOT of walks while working with this man. Also looks ...

This is when 'we' put the blinders on and trudge through. I have four, yes four, exams this week and that is NOT counting finals next week. I also have a project in GIS due that is worth 20% of my grade. I feel as if I have forgotten everything I've learned this semester over Thanksgiving break. Hopefully it'll all come back to me, it's all coming back to me....... nnnooowwwww. (Celine) Quite a bit of doctors appointments that I am stressing over. Noah being put under is really keeping me up at night, but I know that it has to be done. I can't stand him being in pain. And then there is the constant nagging of... am I doing too much? Should I just let the kid be? But he is excelling beyond anyone's imagination as far as speech therapy is going. Should we do OT? Well, it's just an evaluation, right? His speech therapist said she doesn't see him staying in the program beyond December, he has caught up that quickly. I am beyond proud of that little guy....

Isn't it ironic... Finals 18 credit hours 2 classes at the same time people telling me I'm so stupid zero self-respect second guessing every decision every word every silence I've never felt such a duality in my life One half wants to talk, to explain, to beg, to theorize, and speak, and ramble, to talk The other just stares into space, literal planets and stars.. with their hand over the other's mouth.

Yesterday was a little bit rough. I got home from work around 11:10pm. I don’t remember falling asleep. I was able to put my clean sheets on the bed and that was heavenly. I love clean sheets! My alarm went off at 7:30am and I rolled out of bed. I always smile, at least on the inside, because I get asked how I just ‘wake up’ so easily. I guess I do because I have to. I’ve worked on this GIS lab for 4 days now and I just had this itchy feeling in the back of my head that I needed more time. So I skipped cartography lecture and went straight to lab. THANK GOD I MADE THAT DECISION!!! I was in lab for 3.5 hours. I had to leave that lab by 1pm because I had to go home and change into my uniform to be at work by 2:45. I was sweating and getting so frustrated because the computer would lag and then freeze. I finished the lab, thankfully. Just in time. Now for an 8 hour shift. Rinse and repeat.

I had a professor remind me that writing every day is extremely beneficial. I know this, I just don’t sometimes. Whether it’s a lack of subject matter or the feelings just aren’t there, who knows these things? I am disappointed in the results of the election. Here I am: A female, queer-friendly, environmental science major and our president supports conversion therapy, inequality for male and female pay scales, and thinks that global climate change is a ‘farce’. I do realize that there are a lot of checks and balances in place. I also realize that the senate and house are republican as well. He’s basically surrounded by nothing but ‘yes’ men and he’s proven to be a bully when he doesn’t get his way. Awesome. The work front is getting a bit insane. I worked 50 hours last week, 56 this week. Only one day off during the week. I’m tired. I did make a 100 on an exam and a 97 on another exam. I think I am hyper focusing on school because everything else is a little…. Murky and slimy. Av...

My professors are constantly using semi colons (;) or (i.e.) It drives me crazy. In slides... that's unnecessary. We all know that these thoughts are bullet points. Nothing is continuous. Nothing is continuous... that's a laugh... right? It's like my use of the three dots (...) It's because my thoughts are... spread out, per se. My grandma. Randy Travis. Adoption. Emergencies. Drugs. Money. Bills. Sex. Trades. It's all just another day... But you try to slow it down and explain it. You try to press pause. You try to grab someone by the collar and ask them to just LISTEN!!! But your voice is too quiet. Their volume isn't up enough. Their problems outweigh yours. Such is life.

Took the boys trick-or-treating. They had an AMAZING time!! Live streaming Tegan and Sara in Boston. The feelings...... Exam tomorrow.

It's mid-terms. Next week is full of exams. That means my semester is half way over. I'm not doing as well as I want to be doing. I think my focus has been on other things. That's not an excuse though. Many people can have a lot going on and still make awesome grades. I can do it too, I just need to buckle down. Get my head back in the game.

My brother-in-law got a horrible phone call. The kind of phone call that comes out of the blue and hits you in the gut, takes your breath away. The kind of call that no one wants to get but everyone has to at some point. He broke down, understandably. He gave the phone to my sister because he was so overcome with emotion. The whole situation kind of made me examine myself a little bit. What if I got a phone call like that? There is no one in this world that I trust to let go completely with, to just break down. I wouldn't be able to hand the phone over, metaphorically speaking. It wasn't always true, I did, once. It didn't work out well. I hope that it won't always hold true for the future either. I hope that one day there will be someone, but if not... I know that I will be okay holding it together by myself. Just like school being a temporary way-station, a holding place, for a bigger and better future. I hope these walls are just a temporary shield. However, when I ...

Today was a bit intense. School from 9-5. I went up to the lab to what I thought was finish my GIS lab. That was laughable. After two hours into it I come on to the last page. Which is to replicate the ENTIRE lab by downloading our own data from the internet. So basically I have to start from the beginning with all new data. I was crushed. When am I going to have the time for this? Unfortunately I can't do it at work because I do not have access to the internet. I could link to my phone data but the project I am doing would take incredible amounts of data/downloading/file transferring. SHIT. Unexpected family visit tomorrow. Two aunts for the price of one. Going to be cool to see them... I hope. Everything is already tense though and I just don't want anything added. Not right now. Mid-terms coming up soon and another GPS project I need to get started on. Also, I need to apply for Financial Aid as soon as possible and figure out this insurance issue and a letter that I've...

I think I hear trains in my sleep sometimes. Part of my job is to be aware of trains coming and going. I lose my mind occasionally and think I heart phantom trains. One derailed the other day where I work. Could have been a lot worse than what it was. It's laughable when people expect perfection out of things. We are all humans just doing the best we can. I'm hoping to spend some time with my boys today at the seafood festival. We practiced with face paint last night; Frankenstein, zombies, spiders. The littlest one doesn't much care for things on his face though. It was a particularly rough week with my uterus. We just don't get along. I'm still in shock over how fast time is moving. It's almost mid-term and I feel like I just started. I am really starting to like GIS. It's still insanely complicated to me but I feel like I'm sort of getting the hang of it. A lot of jobs out there in that field that pay really well. I also enjoy weather and climate im...

Today I just want to float on my back in a pool of cool water. I want to watch the clouds float by and then the stars. I want to eat eggs-benedict and listen to amazing music. Autopilot.

Sometimes things happen, usually concerning other people that just make you feel like you've entered the twilight zone. Things seem off or actions don't seem 'right'. Which is relative, but for me...at least recently...I want boundaries with people. I can't imagine engaging in some actions that people that I know do on a regular basis and feel that it's normal. But no judgment, just not for me. I took yesterday off. I was getting a little bit burnt out on working and going to school every SINGLE day. I took my eldest nephew to get a hair cut and then both boys got to hang out at the Halloween store for a bit. They had a blast. A little bit of unsureness but lots of fun playing swords and trying on masks. We got treats after because they were so good and didn't fight me when I told them it was time to leave. I got a text last night asking me to come to work right after school. Ugh. I really need to find another job that works with my school schedule. This...

I had some bizarre dreams last night. In one I got pulled over by a police officer for braking when I saw him. I also dreamed about a yorkie puppy and a golden doodle puppy. Go figure. Looking for new music. Reading the Belial series. Studying for the two exams that I have this week. Trying to plan time to work on my GIS lab. I really am grateful for the time that I am allowed to spend on my school work while at my real work. That being said, there is only so much that I have been able to do to fill my time. I'm not complaining per se, well... yes, yes I am. Twelve hour days suck ass. Must end on a positive note. Mind over matter and all of that. MUSIC. Still loving Vallis Alps. They need to do more songs.

Tomorrow is my first test. I'm nervous. Then I have one Monday and Wednesday. I've also been asked to tutor. I'm not sure if I can fit that in or not. A lot of personal stuff happening. I just want to finish school and start a new chapter.

Today was a rough one, not gonna lie. It took a lot to get up and go to school. I wanted to luxuriate in my bed. School was a lot today. A lot of labs that were challenging and lots of information. A lot of students getting frustrated and angry and lashing out. More than I've ever seen at school before. I don't like confrontation, even when I am not involved. Some kind of flight or fight thing inside of me is set to the wrong setting. You know how when you drive and you end up at your destination with no memory of actually driving there. Happening a lot. Worrisome. It makes me wonder what else I am doing without ever being conscious of it. Driving is serious business. Family/Friends frustration. But I can't do anything. Honestly I can't. That'a lie. I can accept. I can breathe. I can be happy even if...

Falling into bed. It's been a crazy day but now that I get a few seconds to reflect, it's been a really, really good day. Sure, I woke up with a headache that made me see stars every time I moved my head. But it went away eventually. Sure, my cramps were more painful than usual today. Yeah, I had an upset stomach. But man I had a fun drive to school. The weather was very nice. More than an amazing lunch. Lots of smiles. I laughed and commiserated with my classmates during my lab. I have to take a moment to tell this story. There is this guy, he is in a lot of my classes and is majoring in En. Man. as well. He could be a model, I'm not even kidding. He's tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, chiseled jaw, young... the whole package. He always dresses very nicely, sometimes even wears a tie. He's kind of quiet and I will honestly say that I wrote him off at first glance as a dick. Well, he's not. He's also not the brightest tool in the shed, but, he is one adorable ma...

Very sick, very painful cramps. Blessed and lucky enough to be able to stay in bed for most of the day and just medicate myself. Cookout was low-key and awesome. Billy got the boys a little tikes helicopter. They love it, fight over it, and lose interest in 10 minutes. But I think this toy will stick around. I'm starting to limit Caiden's computer time. At first it was 5 minutes tops that kept his attention. Now it's 30 minutes to an hour that his head is bent, playing games. It is ABC mouse and toddler specific games, however, I want to start with him learning that he needs breaks... and often. Bailey has injured herself. I believe her back leg has become dislocated. This used to happen when she was a puppy but hasn't happened in years. We can't seem to pop it back. I'm gonna give her another day with concentrated massages. I know it's not a broken bone but she sure isn't a happy camper right now. It's always something.

Still fighting this sickness. It's kicking my ass but I'm not backing down. My teeth even hurt. I got asked to work tomorrow. My ONE day off from both school and work. I said yes, but I wanted to ask everyone else first. I was waiting on one last person and I was convinced he was going to say no. But... to my surprise, he said he would do it. Saved at the last hour!! I'm SAVED. What do I plan on doing with my new found 24 hours of freedom? Sleeping in. I know, it's ambitious.

Looks like Hurricane Hermine is too east of us to make any kind of impact. I would never wish any damage or devastation on anyone. It is very exciting as far as my weather and climate class goes though. It's like Helen Hunt getting excited in Twister, but still not wanting the tornado to hurt anyone. I think that class and my conservation class are my favorites. Both are taught by the same teacher, Dr. Ortegren. He is phenomenal and so passionate and knowledgeable about his stuff. Very infectious.

Two weeks in and going strong. I only know what day it is because I have to write it down all day long. Not sure how long I can keep up this pace, I feel like I'm in a perpetual brain fog. I had to stop doing my homework for a bit because I was just making incredibly stupid mistakes. It's going to be important to have something else going on, as crazy as that sounds. Something to get my mind off of work and school. I'm digging the picture taking right now.

A lot has happened this week. Some things I still haven't really processed, some things are causing me to just put my head down and truck on through. There are things I don't even want to write about because I feel contaminated enough by them and I don't want to keep feeding the source or picking the scab. Suicide is a baffling thing. I went to a friends house and two or so hours after I left the guy I knew killed himself. There was obviously things that were very broken, unbeknownst to me. In a way, in a very selfish way, I'm glad that I didn't know him better. I didn't cry and I don't feel like I am going to. I'm struggling financially but am working on getting that under control. Stupid bills and stupid situations that eat into your budget. Work and school, school and work.