Frame of Reference

Just finished my Marine Biology class this evening! I had to take 2 chapter tests and then my Final Exam. That's it for the class, it's all over with. A lot of work, but I hope I did okay. Time will tell. A pretty good day today. Going in to work 30 minutes early really makes a difference though. You wouldn't think it, but it does. We will see how it goes tonight with the time change. Didn't go so well this spring since 2:30 didn't exist, literally! I almost got pulled into a little self narcissism this afternoon. Sometimes I feel very alone. I really never expected to be doing all of this by myself, to be at this point in my life and not be in a partnership, relationship, marriage. Then, by the same token, I feel very proud that I've done it by myself, completely. But I was able to pull myself out of it. No wasted emotions over something that I have no control over. I can only choose the roads that I take and the choices that I make. It's all good all th...

Another big chemistry test coming up next week. This semester is flying by and sometimes I don't feel like I am strapped in. I absolutely loved having 3 consecutive days off of work. I dread going back tomorrow, but it must be done. People aren't going to pat themselves down. I had really good intentions to do a lot of school work this evening, but after making dinner, and finishing my laundry, and then vacuuming and paying some bills I've hit a brick wall. I've literally read the same paragraph of chemistry three times and have got nothing. I switched to art and read a paragraph about the Rococo movement and that is a big Ronono for me. So it's a night!!

Well, here it is, my 1,000th post. As a throwback, here is my very first post, ever: Tuesday, June 14, 2005 Shayde I'm watching my cat, Shayde, stalk birds out on my balcony. I like to think he pretends he is some fierce panther out in the jungle hunting prey in the dense foliage. When in reality he is a 3 month old kitten afraid of his shadow. A lot of things has happened in my life. I've reconnected and disconnected with my biological father. I fell in love, fell out of love, fell in love, realized how bad of a person I could be. How much I could hurt other people that I truly cared about. Learned how much I could be hurt. Multiple times. Had my heart ripped out. Moved states, lost multiple animals, started school, graduated, started school again. Lost 50 pounds, gained 50 pounds. Got jobs, lost jobs, quit jobs. Tried things I never knew that I was capable of which I still do to this day... I do things that scare me. I do things that I don't think tha...

A couple of quotes that have gotten my attention lately-> "Stay away from people who make you feel like you're hard to love." "Over thinking ruins you. It ruins the situation. It twists things around. It makes you worry. It just makes everything worse than it actually is." "You text me, I respond in 15 seconds, then apparently you die of excitement because 2 hours later I'm still waiting for a response" "Choose to see the Good" I want to be that kind of friend who doesn't wish they were standing next to you in the pictures that you post, looking so happy. I want to encourage you through hard times and not care that you disappeared during mine. I want to be that kind of friend... but I'm not. Not yet, anyway, but I'm hoping to get there some day.

Only two more away. I feel like I'm on the brink of something. There is a crossroads before me and I know in life that there are many, many, MANY crossroads. But this is one of them. I'm so incredibly sure of it. I think if I take one road than my life will go one way. If I take another, then it will go that way. I wish the people in my life, even though they have no dice in the game... would see this and acknowledge it. Is that selfish? If the roles were reversed and you saw someone so very close to you about to jump off of a metaphorical cliff, would you not just... I mean, just in case. Ya know? This is that opportunity that people would look back on and say, "man if I had known..."

So this is my 997 Blog post. Almost to 1,000. Kind of mind blowing how long that I've kept up with this. I'm more than proud. Some years I was better than others at documenting. I think it's awesome that I've seen it through, considering the many projects that get set down and never picked back up. As many times as I've received negative feedback from this, as much problems that it's caused me... It is entirely mine. My creation and a reflection of who I am at that time. I've stayed true and that's important. Another important thing is honest communication. I'm not about to be that girl who holds negativity inside and lets it fester and show up at inappropriate moments or turn into resentment. Because I have been that girl for a very long time. So here I am telling you that I have a problem, this is the problem, and I am going to fix it or accept it but it just might take me a little bit of time. What other people make of that is up to them. I cert...

I found some deep heat rub in my drawer. It's probably expired, but it's working and can't hurt, right? I took turns carrying two 20+ pound boys on my shoulders for half a mile. We had so much fun today. I love getting to wake them up and being the first one that they see. They are so excited and ready to face the day smiling and giggling and talking non-stop. It's infectious. Got some great photographs and had lunch together, also lots of fun bargaining. "Take a bite and you can give Bailey a bite." Spent 3 hours this morning on chemistry, 1 on statistics this evening and 1 one printing everything and started my art appreciation reading and prepping for the next big project. I'm calling it a night. Tomorrow is going to be another long day. I am killing it on the organization and management of time... for the most part!! I have had those, "Oh shit I'm up at midnight doing homework" But those moments are far and few between. Very proud of my...

Got tattled on right off the bat. It's happened before, this older lady has it out for me. Her riotous conservatism doesn't meld with my hippie liberalism. Oh well, I will work with her like I have been, with a smile and snarky comments. Met with my advisor, can I do 16 credits? I don't know. Check out this problem we did in Chemistry. I just wanted it to someday look back on: A student carries out a reaction and collects a total of 154.4ml of H2 gas at a pressure of 742mmHg and a temperature of 25C. What mass, in mg, H2 did the student collect? PH2=742mmHg - 23.78mmHg= 718mmHg 718mmHg(1atm/760mmHg) = 0.945atm 154.4ml(1L/1000mL) = 0.1544L 25+273 = 298K (0.945atm)(0.1544L)/(0.0821)(298K) = 5.97x10^-3molH2 2(1.0008g) = 2.02 g/mol 5.97x10^-3mol(2.02g/1mol) = 0.0120g 0.0120g(1000mg/1g) = 12.0mg Yeah, that's one problem. Finished two tests today - done for the day. My head hurts and I'm exhausted. 

A break. I like learning. I like having a goal. I like striving for greater things. I love bringing my nephew a pickle and seeing how excited he is for it. I love watching my other nephew throw his in the trash unemotionally. I love giving Bailey an oatmeal bath and crossing another item off of my to-do list. I am giddy that Joey Lauren Adams is on Grey's Anatomy now. I still need a massage. I need a vacation. I need to lose 40 pounds. I need someone to sleep next to. To know that I am loved. But I love my life. I love sleeping and dreaming. I love good grades and making people smile. I love food. I love sleeping with Bailey and feeling unconditionally loved. As I yearn for love, doesn't mean I don't see the abundance of it that I already have. I'm just greedy. :)

Sometimes we are just going along with our day, doing our thing, and a weird feelings hits. Like, something isn't right somewhere. You go to text people... but then you don't want to be 'that' person. Then your imagination creates all kind of scenarios. It's funny how feelings work. I had a good day today. A great WTF moment in my statistics class. These sorority girls sit behind me and their stories are insane. I wear headphones for as long as I can just so I don't have to listen. The teacher was a bit late so I was subjected to this: "Have you read the assigned book yet?" "No, like, I've had so much to do. What's it about?" "Well.... (long pause) ... You know that saying "Your big brother is watching you"? Well this is where that came from!" The sense of pride in this girls voice was insane. "It's, like, called 1964 and this guy is a time traveler, so, like, 1964 is the future. It's pretty dope,...

A good day to have a good day. Slept in but woke up drenched in sweat. That hasn't happened in a while which is surprising considering the nightmares that I've been having. However, the nightmares are more psychologically disturbing and not adrenaline 'loose' kind of disturbing, if you know what I mean. I did get to play in the mud with my boys and make cool grilled cheese fruit snack monsters. (You probably had to be there, which I was) Going over my notes for a test tomorrow, but its all math based, so if I don't have it, I don't have it. I feel like I don't have it, BUT!!!  I have, HAVE, HAVE to get a better grade than the first one!! I think it will all work out. Tomorrow will be a beautiful day to accomplish great things.

"My missions, should I choose to accept it, is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop this incessant worrying that I can't be love as I am." ~ Anais Nin My goals for today were as follows: Don't be a bitch. See the good in every situation. Let go of toxic thoughts. Be open to being loved.

Sometimes it just.....   is

I feel like I am in Survival Mode. It's basically half way through the semester - Wake up - work- sleep - eat - homework - eat - sleep - work - school - sleep. Kind of wreaking havoc on my body. I just keep telling myself that it will all be worth it. No pain no gain.

So we are approaching the half way mark and I am doing everything that I can to keep my head above water. You let one thing slip and you get very far behind in the blink of an eye. There is ALWAYS reading to be done, ALWAYS problems to be working. I'm trying to manage my time and set goals and schedules so that I can have some semblance of a life outside of school and work, but taking full time classes and a full time job, it's an 80 hour work week. I got an excellent grade on a lab and that has put wind in my sails. I was slowing down last night with all of this chemistry stuff. Second guessing myself and such. I have a big test next Wednesday and then one the following week. I think I have another test at work coming up soon.... ish. One really huge benefit is interacting with people outside of my work. Even if they are a bit younger than me, it's nice. It's nice to commiserate about the sorority girls sitting behind us in math class, or having people actually want...

I woke up from a very disturbing nightmare. I won't go into all of the little details, but the main part consisted of me trapped in a tree or a very large bush. The bush was covered in spider webs, but ones that were very thick, like silk worm nests. The more I struggled to get free, the more I got bit by spiders. I finally freed myself and started brushing the spiders off of me, however, every time I would brush one off it would burrow under my skin. I had a sharp pain in my foot and looked down to see it was very swollen. I knew that spiders were filling it up. I looked around and saw a hatchet. I grabbed it and used the blade to gently cut the top of my foot. My skin broke open like a cracked egg and was filled with worms and putrified flesh. No blood. I woke up very angry or grouchy. This frustrated me greatly because I knew it was a choice and I really did not want my day to be a bad one. All morning I tried everything to pull myself out of this awful mood. I haven't been...

I was tested today, I figured. Passed with the tester who doesn't work at our airport asking, "What's wrong with you?" I guess my exhaustion is becoming apparent because I thought that I was having a really good day. Energy wise at least. I've kind of slacked off on Facebook. Haven't been on except to post my own status or check out the informative posts I follow. Taking a break from the 'people' and 'people' at work it feels like. I think I've just taken a step back from everyone. Maybe just their drama because everyone has some! Not me, at work at least. I get it all out here so I don't carry it with me and talk about it. This poem has kind of been lurking in my head since my post yesterday. I think, that post could be taken out of context if read by itself. I'm probably the only one second guessing myself! I am not a victim I am not blameless A part I played I played by heart I hurt ones I loved and was hurt by those ...

I know that I set a goal to be positive, just have something on my mind. I don't know how, considering the incredible amount of things I have going on in school and at work. I was supposed to test today at work, but I think they moved it until tomorrow. Back to my "thoughts"... I've tried for a very long time to wrap my head around silence. Why people can write other people off so easily and other people can not. What makes someone cut off communication from someone they supposedly care about? How is that possible? I've dissected it and theorized. Does this person do it for their own benefit? It makes them feel better? Are they doing it because they no longer have any desire to talk to the other person at all? Are they, possibly, doing it for the other person? This theory makes me the angriest. How would they know what's okay for anyone else?!? I have to believe they do it for themselves. I can accept that better. It's surprising to me how many time...