Frame of Reference

As in, intensive care unit. A lot has happened since the last entry. I'm not sure I even want to write about it all. My sister has been in ICU for over a week now. They took her out of a paralyzed state today. Her BP bottomed and her liver and kidneys are failing. Not to say they can't come back. Her abdomen is also distended and they don't know why. Some of her fingers and toes are turning blue because her BP is being controlled by medication and not her heart. She could lose them. I just hate that her body is going through all of this. It's pretty horrific. I won't even start on the effect this is having on my mother. Like the doctors keep telling us... we gotta wait.

We battled some stomach issues today. By we, I mean me and the eldest. Kind of kept it low-key because of this. It's good to get it all out though. I did, however, mow the front and back yard. With all the rain recently and more rain expected, it became quit necessary. Hopefully, we can be a bit more active tomorrow. One of my favorites...My mom running with the boys on the beach of Hilton Head, SC.

It's been a while. Took an impromptu trip to Hilton Head, SC. We didn't think we were going to be able to go and then things worked out and we jumped on the opportunity. It was a little bit of a long drive for the boys, it being 8 hours and all. The drive there was the worst because we didn't get in until late, or rather, early. Fun was had. We went on a dolphin cruise. The boys got to 'drive' the boat and wear a captains hat and speak over the loud speaker. They thought they were the shit. Went to the beach. We much prefer the gulf coast. Atlantic Ocean waters and beaches are so... flat, dirty, and rough. It was an experience though, a good one. Spent most of the time in the swimming pool. Noah jumping in by himself (with floaties) thinking he's all invincible. No fear, that one. The other one has too much fear and anxiety, unfortunately. Other than that I haven't really thought about things. Taking a mental break, I suppose. I am taking the time to enjo...

It's done. It's all set and ready to go. I painted my nails tonight.

Isn't it funny when time slows down? Like when you're fixing your hair in the morning, looking in the mirror. It's a mundane task that your body just knows how to do from muscle memory. Or brushing your teeth. You've done it thousands, millions of times. So your mind wanders. You inadvertently and probably unwillingly jump on the memory train. For me it's always accompanied by a soundtrack of breathing in slow motion. Breathe in - Tracing freckles, rain drops. Breathe out - Slow motion grinding teeth, looking at the stars. Breathe in - looking at your phone, I look at my black screen. Breath out - I'm okay, a mantra, a chant, a busy signal, silence. Then you put the brush down. Blink in slow motion. It's over.

I have a hard time of leaving things alone, letting things just be. I lie to myself a lot. I watch myself set an issue down, walk away from it, and proclaim to the world that I am leaving it alone. But I go back. I worry it, like a sore spot on the inside of one's lip. Your tongue won't leave it alone. I often turn it over and over like a Rubrics cube. The ironic thing is, I was never good at those. I never once solved one, ever.

I feel like I've been a hermit crab, intently focused on whatever was going on in my shell and not aware of the outside world. I've tried to rectify that, with mixed results. Probably too soon to read into things, probably not. I always take people at their word. But some things change. My level of caring, for instance. Awesome day at the zoo. We got season passes. A good way to spend time outside and I love it as much as the boys do.

I made it. I don't know if I made the grade, it's a waiting game now. I should have been more nervous. I should have been more driven. I was confident and I think that will cost me. 97 on GIS. Botany? I don't think I passed with flying colors. I am just hoping that I pass. I celebrated the closing of another semester by making neon yellow elephants out of play-doh and running a barber shop where my star employees were a 3 and 4 year-old. Spasms are still there but I think they are getting better. I've been doing stretches that I looked up online to try to un-knot the muscle. Unnecessary worry in hindsight, but isn't it always? 20-20 so they say.