Frame of Reference

I'm walking a tight rope. I feel like the world is throwing 'dodge balls' that keep hitting me. Despite everything I'm still hanging on. Sometimes by tooth and nail, sometimes with a swagger. Sometimes at night I'm holding the rope in my hands and I'm curled up in a dark corner, making it evident that the rope itself is a farce. Isn't everything? "There is no spoon." I'm exhausted.

I actually feel so much better after my emotional vomit last night. I read a paper a while ago about how keeping a journal is good for mental health. I don't think that I am exactly a shining example of good mental health, but I can attest to the benefits of it all. There is a song out, it's called "Angel with a shotgun". I don't like it, AT ALL! I can't stand the lyrics and the message. I've woken up singing it for the past 4 days straight. I also dreamed about vampires last night. I was stuck in a bathroom holding the door shut with my feet. They would toy with me, asking to come in, pushing on the door. One female vampire also ate Caiden. I didn't seem that upset by it, just surprised. It was more comical than anything. "No, I can't let you in!! YOU JUST ATE A BABY!" "Yeah well, he was just there and I was hungry. It's not exactly my fault."

I watch his breathing. I watch bailey's breathing. I match my breath to their breaths. The lightning colors the room bright pink. Bailey only notices if I move to look. I watch his breathing. I don't think about waking up at 2:30. I don't think about going to my second job that I pussied out of my two week notice that turned into a month because my boss wanted a vacation. I don't think about the blank spaces on my gallery wall or the email calling me out for doing things the wrong way. I don't think about the money that doesn't exist or the hole in my filling that I keep putting off. I watch Bailey's breathing. I don't think about getting moved to Second Shift and losing all of the friends that has taken me this long to make. I don't think about how my weaknesses cause everyone around me pain and suffering or annoyance. I watch his breathing. I listen to the rain hitting the window. I don't think about the self hatred I hold...

This is my song You can be amazing You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug You can be the outcast Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love Or you can start speaking up Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do And they settle ‘neath your skin Kept on the inside and no sunlight Sometimes a shadow wins But I wonder what would happen if you Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave With what you want to say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down By the enemy Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing Bow down to the mighty Don’t run, stop holding your tongue Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live Maybe one of these days you can let the light in Show me how big your brave is Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave Innocence, your history of silence Won’t do you any good Did you think it would? Let...

Three days of being in the basement, lifting VERY heavy bags, from one conveyer to another, to one machine, to another, has taken it's toll on my shoulders. Not to mention the normal stresses of trying to quite a job and complete artwork on a deadline. I know it sounds like complete inane bullshit, I should be grateful to have a job, blah blah blah. I am. I really am. I'm doing this to myself. My choice. I get it. What's the difference between Overconfidence and Complacency? I mean, really. Does the act of complacency NOT require overconfidence? Stupid test questions.

I've had this blog for eight years. It's the one thing that I've been consistent at my whole life. It's the one thing I turn to, to be vague, to "let it out", to vent, to be creative, to wonder, to postulate, to cry, to laugh, to make fun of myself, to just be. Eight years. This place in the "internet world" really means a whole lot to me. I can't control who looks in. I don't use this as a means of advertising. I do not write "help me" letters on the window to those looking in. This is simply mine and its going to be for a very long time, I hope.