Frame of Reference

A bit of time has elapsed. Wren-wren died. I fell ill and my job is becoming increasingly irritating. I essentially fell into a slump and I could see it coming from a mile away. I just have to look at this problem as a not-problem and more like a puzzle. Surround myself with inspiration and happiness. Fight for the inspiration and stop 'waiting' for it.

Wait for It  by Mariana Zapata. The premise of this book was a young woman who found herself raising her two nephews after her brother passed away. Give you one guess how I related to that. It was a well written book, overall. I didn't much care for the romance aspect of it, but that's just me being picky and non-hetero. I connected to the feelings of "What am I doing?" all too well. This was a weekend where I feel like I didn't really have a day off. The yard work isn't going to do itself and the boy's waking up at 8 in the morning is better than 6 in the morning, but still. I think of the weekends I could stay in bed for hours, very fondly. I wouldn't trade my hectic schedule for anything, though. Now I just need to shake off this slow motion fog that is surrounding me and get to it.

I'm mad at you because you aren't here. I'm mad because I heard your favorite song today and I couldn't catch my breath. I saw you lying in the hospital bed and I saw our mom holding your hand, willing you to come back. I'm mad because the nurse washed your hair when you were already gone but we didn't know. You left without saying goodbye and I'm so mad. I'm mad because Caiden read his first book to Nina today. He was so fucking proud and I was proud and it was a big surprise and she cried... you weren't there and you should have been. He's so fucking smart Holly and you should see it. You should also see Noah though, because he got your heart. He stole all of the creativity that you have left and he wears it all for everyone to see. He's kind and he's so happy there aren't even words to describe it. He sees the world like it's meant to be seen, not like it's meant to be survived... and you would love it. You would have sim...

"The Power of Now"  by Eckhart Tolle. This might be a bit of a cheat since I started this book a couple of weeks ago. Took me a while to finish though. I still feel the same as before, it was written very bizarrely for me. The overall message was incredible. It's going to take some time for me to properly absorb it all, maybe even a couple of re-reads.  Awesome week. Visited Ponce De Leon state park. Frigid waters but boy #2 and I did brave the cold. Memories for sure! Birthday party dinner. 

So this week's book was Happy Doomsday  by David Sosnowski. I was a bit skeptical to read this. The "about" was a bit sketchy with the whole 'teenage coming of age' story. I was honestly thinking: How many times can someone revisit this genre? It wasn't like that at all. I can't really give a synopsis without giving away too much. Is it coming of age? In a way, but that wasn't the focus of the book. I entered a world of realizations, differences, acceptances, tragedies, laugh-out-loud moments, and so much more. I found myself constantly asking, "What would I do in this situation"? or "Wow, I didn't even think about that happening in the event of an apocalypse. It was a completely enjoyable and page-turning experience. Went to beer fest with a friend. Super crowded, saw a friend of my ex. Waved and smiled, no response. Tried to duck out. Kept seeing said person... figures. No regrets. Airport friends celebrated my non-hermit status....

Having two boys is an adventure every single day, even if we never leave the house. Honestly, I never imagined my life where it is now. It hasn't stopped me from making lists: bucket lists, weekly goals, reading lists, school lists, etc. You get the idea. I feel sometimes it is the only way I can remember certain things. The fun and not-so-serious list is definitely the bucket list. It's grown by quite a lot and I love the challenge of tackling these so-called goals. I decided to start out easy, choosing one that I'm already kind of doing albeit not as often, is the reading challenge. One of my bucket list items is to read a book a week for a year. This weeks book was  By Design  by J.A. Armstrong. https://www.amazon.com/Design-J-Armstrong-ebook/dp/B00W2QDISQ Age gap was a bit weird for me. Writing was decent and the characters were well fleshed out.

trepidation: word of the day. Common anxiety or a portent of future possibilities? Work = sluggish = worry I have glasses now. Who would have seen that coming? Literally. I've gotten hooked on Westworld. Mixed memories. You're oldest is just like you. Beyond his years, stubborn, vulnerable. Scares the shit out of me.

I watched "A wrinkle in Time" this weekend. It was one of my favorite books growing up, next to quite a few others. It didn't translate well, but it made me cry... nonetheless. I saw you this evening. I always think I might. It's not a fear but a conscious possibility. I thought about saying hi, but then I remembered the lyrics to that ed sheeran song... "you looked happier". I thought my phone my light up. Tell me that you're alright without me answering. It didn't. I thought of reaching out to the person who was there for me that night. It sometimes feels like that night replays in my head, or reality, but it's not that person's responsibility to be there for phantom nights. We tried to watch 'The land before time". Another favorite from past times. But I forgot the mother died and the young boy cried, and then my young boy cried and we stopped. We hugged and cried together and just like Little Foot says, It's not fair....

I seem to be in an ultra feminist, 'all about the ladies', girl-power kind of vibe. What with watching Orange is the New Black and Wynonna Earp along with totally digging MUNA, not surprising I'm riding this wave. This season of OITNB left a lot to be desired in my opinion. No redeeming qualities with the characters and uber depressing. Wynonna Earp started season 3 with a bit of sadness as well. That's why I thought this would be a PERFECT opportunity to share this song from MUNA. https://youtu.be/e4KA6YVc9ec I not only love the effects on the vocals, I am in love with the style of the lyrics. I feel like I could write something like that. Stream of thought - vernacular. Watched Ready Play One today. A lot better than I thought it would be. A lot.

Today was a bit rough. Still not feeling 100%, tired of not feeling 100%. I think a great word to describe a majority of the feelings today is "disconnected" a bit. Word of the day "bit".

Maybe you can't turn on a dime or wake up a changed person. Perhaps it's slower and much more subtle. I still feel that there are those epiphanies, however. You can look around you and realize that person you were a year ago isn't around anymore. On one hand a bit of a surprise, on another, not so much. It's been happening every moment after all. My creativity got pushed aside for the last couple of years. Eventually, I even stopped dipping my toes into the waters of poetry. I feel it creeping back a bit. Hiding in the shadows and meeting me in my dreams. Excited to see what comes of it, or if anything does at all. Tis the season of heat and nosebleeds.

The summer solstice is almost here and yet I got into my car after work and the temp. read 105 degrees. Yeeesh. Enjoying my read of Mr. Tolle, The Power of Now . The message resonates with me. I find the narrative a bit immature, however, incredibly effective. It's written in a "conversation" style which makes for very fast and very... "digestible" information. I just sometimes find the back and forth a bit tiresome. It takes me out of the moment at times, no offense. Summer break is flying by. I'm loving every moment and not taking a bit of it for granted. I think I am the most tan I have been since moving to Florida so many years ago. I am pretty sure that my co-workers think I am crazy for being so goofy and happy at work. In all actuality it is more likely that they have no idea how to take me yet. I get that a lot. My babies of the animal variety are getting up there in age. I'm actually shopping for a diaper for Wren-Wren. Not for incontinence,...

Sleep did not want to stick around. Challenge accepted and turned into opportunity. Alberto was all talk and no action in our parts. I'm not complaining, I did get a couple of cool shots in the past couple of days. Viola! The anniversary of my sisters' death is this weekend. All sorts of thoughts and emotions swirling... much like the waves. 

I was sitting at a food truck downtown. The weather was beautiful, I was in great company, the food was amazing, the view was awesome, and I realized... This is peace, this is being happy with me and my life. In that moment I was able to feel so grateful and appreciative of everything and everyone around me. I remember the feeling of looking for happiness in other people. A hard lesson for sure, but I am better for it. I know now what it feels like to find happiness in myself, separate of a relationship or pseudo-ships. It's one thing to know it in your heart that you are degrading yourself, it's another to experience the freedom from that. To not only have escaped it, but to have grown from it. Positive vibes, forward. Credit to "Intelligence is sexy". Another quite lovely song that I've been playing over and over:  MUNA: I Know A Place

It's funny how I've always felt that writing was cathartic and necessary to get the feelings that were eating at me out and into some other 'space of existence'. It's funny how I seemed to have so many feelings and how powerful and strong they felt at the time. I'm not saying that I don't have feelings now. I definitely do, but they don't feel anything like they used to and most importantly, they aren't all about me. In fact, they are RARELY about me. It's also kind of sad that I don't really have much to write about now. Has my life become utterly boring? Quite the opposite. It is so full and I am so busy all of the time not to mention SO HAPPY, that I rarely find the time or the desire to analyze everything so much. I'm busy living it, feeling it. Should this just then exist as a time capsule for my youthful angst? Should I just let it transform with me and see what happens instead of making it into something so specific?

First official week down as a professional in the career that I went to school for. Amazing weekends with the boys that I love with every fiber of my being. I feel so grateful, so in awe.... I'm a sucker for "feely" songs... and this one right here is everything. https://youtu.be/asobS45OFJY

I haven't written because I've gotten tired of my own drivel. Sure, I've made posts, and then subsequently deleted them. By-products of the mundane. Over dramatic and wordy. This is no different but I've gotten some distance from that original feeling of disgust; a perspective. Things have happened. Last day at my job was yesterday. No more uniforms for the foreseeable future.

Had a plan to cook fried rice and chicken. We ordered pizza instead. Finished Stranger Things. I dug it. Very nostalgic. The boys and I are playing with photography. I'm teaching them a bit here and there. This is a picture that they ended up taking. Color me impressed.

I think I have everything smoothed out as far as school goes. For the moment anyway. It is such a bizarre feeling only taking two classes. I suppose it's going to feel even more bizarre in a mere three months. I'm just now feeling a bit more human. That sickness (pneumonia) kicked my ass... for long time!! I binged watch Shameless and Wynonna Earp. Both with the feels and the laughter. Love it!

I got "walking" pneumonia for the first time in 2000. A parting gift from San Antonio. Just diagnosed again... I can't say enough about the doctor though. She understood the shitty insurance and the not being able to stay in a hospital issue kids situation. Couldn't do much about the insane medication prices. Even generic, cost me a kidney. Jesus.

Tomorrow is the big day. Boy #1 and I start school again. My final semester. A second internship? Possibly. I was supposed to have one already, I found out tonight. Not off to a good start, but am I ever? Going to wing it and I'm going to crush it. I recommend the movie Comet. However you can watch it, watch it. A trip. Tears. Literally almost all dialogue with parallel universes.... which I normally hate, but this?? This I dug. Time? Who needs it. Should be a painting. My whole life I've felt like I'm doing things that I haven't properly trained for, or been educated in, but it works out. Art... photography... family...  jobs... school... You know why I think it works out? Because I'm not afraid to fail. I'm not afraid to press wrong buttons or mess up in a fantastical manner. I'm not afraid to make a fool of myself or admit that I'm wrong -> in those situations. Narcissism or truth?