Frame of Reference

Kind of feeling like things were set into motion today and it's all going to start snowballing from here. I don't think I'm ready, no one said "go".

I got this from the Huffington Post, I believe. All I can say is wow, after I cried a little bit. "We choose to love people who cannot love us back to teach ourselves that we are, in fact, worthy of being loved back. We choose these people because they represent the parts of us that we don't love - why else would we waste our time on people who don't return our affection? We choose to love these people because they are the only ones with whom we share an intimate connection deep enough that it can awaken and illuminate the darkest corners of ourselves, and they are the only ones who can leave and let us do what we are here to do: resolve and actualize and heal them on our own. It is not the nature of love that people struggle with, but what it is designed to do. Most of our turmoil simply comes from never having been told that love will keep breaking our hearts until they open, and that we will be the ones throwing ourselves in again and again. Our life partners are t...

Sometimes I wonder why we put up with people. And then I remember that we are family and I am a loyal person, to a fault, even when it's not family, but I digress. But even family members can cross lines and I'm about ready to give it back, per se. I am a bit miffed and as much as I have love for her, she can be extremely rude, judgmental, and hateful. This is bad timing as next week is finals. I can rise above this though. We are all adults and I will do whatever I have to do to get my school work done, even if that does hurt feelings. (As I sit here, writing this, not doing school work. That makes me laugh) I feel that pull to just.. do something crazy. I usually get these feelings about 2-4 times a year. Unsettled, antsy, tense, hyper. I need a release.

Classes weren't canceled today, so I went. There were only three of us in my statistics class and one dude showed up 35 minutes late and only sat down because he thought we were getting extra credit (We weren't). I enjoyed having the one on one attention though. It was definitely not something that you experience at the college level and I think she had fun with us too. Chemistry is still worrying me. Like a court date where you are pretty sure what the verdict is going to be but you still hold out hope that the jurors might show mercy. Everything else is okay. Some big changes coming for the new year as far as the house goes and family as well as my job. I can only pray that I am making the right decision. When you find yourself in a position that you don't like, you just have to change things. That's what I'm doing. Hopefully. Bring on food and family. We all have a lot to be thankful for.

I'm still not feeling well. If I am not better tomorrow then I will call and see if I need to switch my antibiotics. Kicking my butt for sure. I need to be better by Thanksgiving. So excited to share it with the boys and family. That's what life is all about, loving and being loved. We got Caiden's haircut for pictures. He did so well! Best haircut he's gotten because the stylists could actually take his time. He even sat all by himself. It was a great day today. Breakfast at Waffle House, first sleep over last night. I didn't sleep well at all but I haven't laughed so much or so hard in a long, long time. I needed that. At one point I had two tiny feet literally poking in-between my ribs and a hot, furry, four-legged friend at the bottom of my side of the bed so I couldn't extend my legs all of the way. I wouldn't have traded it for anything though. Those are the kinds of memories that I cherish. That and watching him dream and smile and laugh in his s...

I don't really have time to write this, I am so far behind on my homework. But I will make the time and thinking that to myself made me realize... Don't ever let anyone tell you that they don't have time for you, or that they are too busy. That is simply a lie. If they wanted to talk to you they would find the time. Even if it's a hello while they are peeing. It takes literally 6 seconds to pull your phone from your pocket and text a one word sentence to someone. If you wanted to be friends with someone and that person wanted friendship as well, then you would be friends. It's a pretty simple concept. One I've learned the hard way. Everyone says love hurts, but that isn't true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. ~ A very good quote!!

Who get's strep throat with no tonsils? I do. Third time since I've had them removed when I was thirteen. It's hit me hard. I thought that I would be farther along in the healing process than I am. It's hit me a bit hard. I really was hoping that I could get tons of school work done with all of the free time. I haven't done anything except foster a headache and lounge. No work, no school work. I think tomorrow will be better. I really hope so. It's like those days as a kid when you were really sick and just fell asleep on the couch watching awful episodes of the price is right.

 I'm circling and I can't get off. I don't have a clue as to why I am doing this. This has to be the most frustrating spiral I have ever found myself in, EVER. The only other person who has made me feel so small has been my father. My biological one. EVER. Just stop thinking about it. I know the more you don't want to think about something the more you think about it. I can do this. Stop.

I woke up in Bali. There are these deep red gossamer curtains that frame the doorway and windows. Everything is open and they dance in the cool breeze. Slowly, back and forth. Their rhythm is hypnotic and I lazily stretch, basking in the glorious sun that throws shadows on my skin. If I was home I would bury my head under the covers and try to chase down another hour of sleep. It's different here in this foreign land. I am excited to wake up, yet I don't rush it. I let my eyes wander from the dancing cloth over the textured walls and my ears start to pick up the birds outside. My eyes close and I take a deep breath. I want to keep this moment forever.

I had a three hour lay over in Miami International before my connection. I would like to say that the people of Miami are awesome and nice, but no one that populates that airport is actually from Miami. And... I don't speak Spanish so I probably missed 80% of what was being said, basically everywhere! I purchased a fish sandwich at the restaurant and read more about the Paris attacks. Said more were imminent. It's a scary time we live in and yet I feel such distance. I hope this trip reconnects me with everything. The world, my fellow humans, space, time. I also purchased a book even though I know that I should be studying my school work. I just need a break. I'm so tired all of the time and I'm frankly tired of being tired. I wake up tired and I go to bed tired. I know joy and happiness and tired. My guy friend at work is back and I feel like a huge hole that was gaping is now filled. It scares me that I let that happen at all. Look at the consequences of letting peop...

I saw the sunset behind the trees in my backyard surrounded by silence. I watched the death toll in Paris climb while I made dinner. I washed the dishes and put the leftovers in the fridge. I drove to the airport in the dark and made sure that I loved completely. I stepped onto the plane and turned off my phone. I reclined my seat and closed my eyes surrounded by the loudest silence you'd ever hear.

Sometimes I think I am too tired to really write anything and on top of that I don't have anything interesting to really say. But writing is all about writing. Maybe it's not important what you write if you're using it as a therapy technique. Maybe the act of writing itself can be helpful. Still trying to finagle next semester. It's proving to be quite a challenge. It's like tetris, I just need all of the blocks to fit. I came home and crashed today. I woke up and it was dark. I had a mini panic attack because I thought I had slept through work the next day. I just hope that I can sleep tonight. Also, I picked up the razor while I was in the shower to shave my legs and thought: "Who am I shaving for? I could go all winter and no one would even care or notice." But I would care. So I shaved for me. I guess it's also like always wearing clean underwear, you just never know...

Life is ever evolving and so am I. I learn new things every day. I fall into old habits and make huge mistakes. But I am enough. Today was a bit dull and a bit rough. It's very hard to learn something you have no interest in. It's very hard to see your family members struggle. I will step in, it's getting close and no one will mess with children. NO ONE. This is my little man helping me make breakfast yesterday. If you could have seen the pure joy on his face when he was actually involved and feeling accomplished. We will be cooking A LOT more!

Talking more to my sister than I have in a very long time. It's not great that something hard has to happen to make her open up with me, but I won't over analyze it. I really like it. Had the boys today. Noah went to the dr. He has to go on a  diet, poor little man. 35 pounds at 1.5 years. He's just solid! I was telling Caiden goodbye and blowing kisses. He responded with (Completely unprompted) "See you soon Ad-wren" I love those boys. Had a cycle of weird inner whatever. I think I'm coming out of it though. I have no idea what I'm going to do about my schedule next semester. Looks like I'm in for 5 days a week no matter how I slice it. I'm going to have to talk to my work too. Frustrated, but I will make it happen. Just like I will somehow pass Chemistry. SOMEHOW I will do it. It's all temporary and I just want to put in the work, reap the benefits and see everyone around me happy. Not too much to ask, right?

I thought that writing would be beneficial. I thought that it was a catharses for me. Many times the consequences outweigh the benefits, and that sucks.

Today was a cluster-fuck. All of the technology was down where I work. Apparently there was a surge or a pulse, who knows. We had to do most everything by hand. Icing on the cake was this party of 47 that were flying back to Jamaica. Little known fact about people from other countries... They like to take very inane american shit with them when they go home. Stuff that you, as someone living here, would never in a million years think to be a commodity. Remote controls? Of course! I need seven. For no electrical appliance that I am taking with me... Peanut butter. Hot Sauce. Jewelry. I guess it goes to show that you will always think the grass is greener. Cool stuff is outside of someone's norm. Migraines and constant bitching rose to a level that I found quite unpleasant by 4:30am, and thats just from my coworkers. Since I just kept my head down and tried to get through the day, I found myself sucked into a whirlpool of 'overthinking'. I need to metaphorically vomit so th...

Today was a good if non-eventful day. Had a little hiccup at work but got it fixed. I did get sideswiped with a test at work today. I just wasn't feeling it. It was Monday morning and my brain was a little fried from chemistry. I passed the test but I definitely wasn't at the top of my game. I didn't really care, but I feel bad for not caring, but that doesn't make me actually care. If you get my drift. Took a short nap, grabbed some lunch for work at the market and came home and started in on homework. I got a lot done and I hope that I won't be overwhelmed this coming week. I am worried about my Chemistry class. I think I'm going to have to meet with my professor next week. Also got a bit of cleaning done, there is ALWAYS something to clean, jeez, in between the breaks I take from the education. Looking forward to no class next Wednesday and the upcoming Holiday! Loving it.

Bad timing.....

I really needed today with the boys. It was so nice to get out of my head and just not be inundated with Chemistry. I did the math, ha ha, and I have A's in all of my classes, even my chem lab. I have 103% in my statistics class which is really a testament to the teacher. Anyone who knows me knows that math is very hard for me... which is why I struggle with Chemistry. I understand the CONCEPT I just don't do well with the APPLICATION. I'm going to pass this class, even if it does take daily pep talks. I'm sure when I go back and read the last few months of entries I will be over myself very quickly. I'm sure the people around me are over it as well. Caiden is starting to understand concepts and form his own opinions. I was making elephant noises today, rather badly, and he was giggling and then out of nowhere says: "Adrienne, you so silly." I loved it. Really looking forward to this weekend. My favorite festival is in town. I'm going to see it no m...