Frame of Reference

She did ok. They are keeping her an extra night for observation. Her gallbladder was 4x it's normal size. The anesthesiologist was impressed and I don't think that's a good thing. Not feeling it today. I had a short fuse and it feels absolutely horrible to lose your patience with a child. I know they don't understand the stress and the amount of shit that's going on... and thank god for that. They don't need to. That's what I'm here for. To catch that shit and make their life amazing. Make sure it doesn't trickle down. I can't even describe the guilt I feel for telling them to just stop talking, to be quiet because my head is pounding, because I need 7 more minutes to finish this paper. Why would the father ask about my mother yet hasn't asked once about his children????? Feeling a lot of regrets tonight. Just sad. Preview of what could be and I thought I was strong enough. I'm not.

I was already feeling a bit stressed. I had to manipulate my schedule to take a kid for a physical for a surgery that is stressing me. They are requiring powers of attorney and time is crunching. Added, 4 lab reports due next week, an exam on Monday, a quiz today, a paper and a discussion due on Sunday. A make-up lab I have to fit in at some point because I can't go to tomorrow's lab. A project and meeting on Tuesday at my internship. Then my mom ends up being admitted to the hospital and we are being told will most likely need surgery by tomorrow at the latest. I must admit my anxiety is very high. My fears are sometimes overwhelming and my mind won't stop circling. But I can do this. We can do this. There is no other option.

I had a dream about her. She was intoxicated and laughing but I could see the lie in her eyes. She's not happy but she sure is lying to everyone, even herself. She turned and kissed a curly haired woman. I asked her name and she didn't know, didn't care, because it didn't matter.

Loopy is on tap today for this girls exhausted body and brain. Working hard to play hard! Learning to get my hustle on and all that. I just knew it was going to be a  fun day when my barista asked if I wanted a sleeve on my beverage. It took me a full 17 seconds to process what she said and then I became overwhelmed. I panicked and told her it was too early to make such important decisions. I believe she took pity on me and just handed me my coffee, that or the line was backing up and she wanted me to hurry along. I have a paper to write on "culture" today. Should be interesting and fun. I really want to write about appropriation but I don't think I'm capable of taking it seriously enough. I honestly just like saying the word  at this point.

Things are keep-on keeping on. Managing to stay ahead of the curve on my assignments. The internship is a lot of hands-on, lets drop her in the deep end and see if she sinks kind of fun. We are going out in the field a lot, I am working on the computer a lot. I've learned this city is scary as far as unseen contaminants in the environment. Yeesh. Been eating better and exercising a bit. Still not how much I should be. I feel like I'm still riding strong on the roller coast of losing a sister and becoming caregiver to two kids. My mind is still processing that and often times I'm just exhausted. I lose myself in cooking, in snacks, in kids books and bed times and bath times, etc. There isn't much room left for working on me or my body issues. Those are the words of the unmotivated though. I've also learned that if I want something I can accomplish it, no matter the obstacle. A couple of tremors in my hand. Have I pulled a muscle? Strained a tendon? Those who know m...

It's too vague, could be about anything or anyone "Tell her I said, "hi""

I apologize in advance for the whining that is about to commence. My day started at 6am after getting into bed at 1130pm. Went to a couple of sites around town and investigated monitoring wells and got dirty looks for essentially being creepers. Worked in Excel for hours before coming to job #2. My eyes are killing me from looking at stupid charts and then focusing on my phone and then focusing on far away things. I get to work and the construction on the bridge is in full swing. There is a very loud and echoing pounding resounding through the entire port every 3 seconds... continuously....24 hours a day. The barges are pounding the columns into the bay. It sounds like a metallic heart beat. One that my head is trying to now match. Flip side, at least the temperature is PERFECT and the sun is shining!!

Irma didn't come close to effecting us much at all. I got a cool shot at some of the outermost bands touching Perdido Key. Tomorrow is back to business but I have immensely enjoyed this small break!! I didn't take one moment for granted. The gang and I woke up today, had a great breakfast, went to the library, the beach, and the Halloween store.

I think that we've found our rhythm as far as school times, drop-offs, internships, speech therapy, etc. I've deleted all of the numbers and pictures, took a deep breath, and vowed to myself to be happy for all involved. Does that mean it doesn't still sting? Yes, a little. I think that's part of an experience though, how we learn, all that positive mantra bullshit. I don't hold it against anyone or myself. It happened and it says a lot about character and periods of time. I have my eyes on the prize and am SSOOO looking forward to December! Life is good and I am smiling more than not.