Frame of Reference

I'm not perfect. I suppose that no one is, not even deities. Where do you draw the line between standing up for what you believe in and giving in to what is best for another person? How far do you take the bluff before the outcome is something you never wanted? I was warned not to push. To hold off. I see myself pushing anyway. It's like picking my arms. I know that I don't want it. I know I hate the marks, the scars, the looks. I feel the pain and I hate myself instantly. Yet... I do it. It's beyond a compulsion. It's beyond logic. But I'm not going to sit here and blame chemicals or DNA. I'm in control of my world and nobody else. I look in the mirror and the person staring back is not someone that I like.

Step right up to the roller coaster that I call home. I built it and it is all mine. I share too much of myself. Mostly the bad things, the sob stories, the "martyr" "feel sorry for me" stories. I read a quote once but I can't remember who it's from. An author maybe. It said when a girl is having fun and completely happy... she has nothing to write about. When attacks hit, there is no rationale. There is no compromising or talking ones self down. There is staring at your phone. Swiping the screen to make sure it's still working and didn't somehow turn off by itself. It's the last words that somebody said to you a long time ago that you've never forgotten. It's giving ultimatums to everything and everyone around you, even if they are in your head. There is a quote from 28 days (not the zombie movie the sandra bullock movie). "If only everyone knew how you felt. How it felt to be inside of your skin and how it crawled." Or...

"Panic attacks are strikingly different from other types of anxiety; panic attacks are so very sudden and often unexpected, appear to be unprovoked, and are often disabling." These episodes can occur at any time, even during  sleep . The fear and terror that a person experiences during a panic attack are not in proportion to the true situation and may be unrelated to what is happening around them. Most people with panic attacks experience several of the following symptoms : "Racing" heart Feeling weak, faint, or dizzy Tingling or numbness in the hands and fingers Sense of terror, or impending doom or death Feeling sweaty or having chills Chest pains Breathing difficulties Feeling a loss of control Panic attacks are generally brief, lasting less than 10 minutes, although some of the symptoms may persist for a longer time. People who have had one panic attack are at greater risk for having subsequent panic attacks than those who have never experienced ...

He does smile, I promise.

I want to live a life that I love, to discover my genius and creativity, consciously create my reality with FUN, JOY, and laughter!!!!! I intend to experience greater and greater levels of magic, fun, creativity, connectedness with the Divine, peace, prosperity, abundance, safety, elegance, ease, health and healing, divine grace, divine guidance, joy, freedom, beauty, trust, wisdom and love.

Things haven't changed much at work since the shooting. Tensions are high and there are a lot of questions. The public has forgotten in two days. They are back to being assholes for the most part. I choose not to focus on it. Not to focus on the rigors of being a woman in this line of work. You have to know what is important to you. I know that I get accused of not picking my battles. But I am confronted with battles every day, all day. I feel like if I let go of what's important to me then I have nothing to stand for. No solid ground. How is anyone supposed to respect me if I don't stand for anything? Maybe it's not worth it. I feel like it is though. In the grand scheme of things. Another bout of turbulence and I forgot to fasten my seat belt,

I honestly don't know how to express my feelings over todays news events. I wonder if it will affect the future of the organization that I currently work for. Hate is such a basic human emotion. I don't know. I think there is a hole in our boat.