Frame of Reference

Today was a bit better in regards to lucidity. I waited a whole 15 hours before taking pain meds. I'm trying to space them out so that I can actually feel coherent. The pain is incredibly minimal to what I've experienced in the past. I could possibly go without pain meds except tylenol. If I was badass. I'm hoping this is a sign that I will be back at work before anyone expects me to. I'm already putting a little weight on my heel (Which my doctor says is totally fine but scares the shit out of me). I managed to shower today and spend some quality one on one time with my boy C-man. He's playing around with the "terrible twos" and throwing these tantrums. But they are half tantrums. It's as if he's not sure what he's doing or he's just testing the waters of it. If that makes sense at all. They only last 30 seconds at the longest and he's very easily distracted. A good day! Tomorrow I might just attempt to draw or paint. Fingers crossed...

I've sponged and wiped and scrubbed. I've washed my hair twice. I still can't commit to a full shower because I have no idea how to get out of the thing. I just stand and try to visualize getting in and then getting out. With one foot. Washing my hair today tired me out a lot faster and a lot deeper than it should have. (In my opinion). I hope that tomorrow will be a bit more productive than going in circles with Caiden on my scooter.

I survived my surgery! It went so much smoother than I could have imagined. They blocked my nerve, which I have never had done before. I was lying in bed and they came and gave me pain meds through my I.V. which flipped the diarrhea of the mouth switch, and then inserted this huge needle behind my knee. In that soft fleshy part. I didn't even feel it. Just like an epidural though. It's still numb right now. I've been having that tingly (ants crawling all over) sensation for hours now. Like it's in the process of waking up. I can also start to feel lightening bolts of pain. Only lasts a second, but it's starting. Cary got me this knee walker. It's a bad ass scooter that I imagine putting lightening bolts on. It's been a lifesaver. Using it instead of crutches. Worst part so far is not being able to sleep on my stomach. It's not in a cast because of the swelling I imagine so it's wrapped in bright blue gauze like a lobster. I thought I would have so...

Tomorrow is the day of my surgery. I'm afraid, nervous, tense. Hungry, thirsty, sad. I'm usually not so afraid, but i've had this one done before. I know it's going to hurt. I've been working on my bucket list. It's surprisingly and depressingly short. I vow to work on it. I usually have such a huge imagination and crazy, wild desires. Maybe I just can't think cause I have too much in there. So I read this book. I got "lost" in it and often did not want to rejoin the world. And... yeah, now I want to hike. It's more than a character finding herself in the wild or the experiences that she had. It's the way the author wrote. The words that she used. Although, some times she did get carried away with descriptions. Not enough to take me out of the story and the argument could be made that it brought the reader that much further into the trail. I honestly felt like I was with her at times. A beautiful, well told story. One that I won...

"You Should Go With Your Gut" This phrase has stuck with me for a while. I'm not sure I even know what it means. I'm not sure I even have one. But I think that I do. A lifetime ago, it seems, my gut told me to leave my job and drive across the country. I was in the shower a few hours ago and said to myself, "And look where that got me." Flippantly. I even kind of laughed a little. In the next breath, however, I said with more conviction, "But look where that got me. Really."  I am where I am right now because I threw caution to the wind and followed my gut. I told fear to take a hike. I think every decision, every event, bad or good, or even the non-events led me to this. I am where I am supposed to be. That doesn't mean I stay here. That means that I continue... even if it's hard. In retrospect, the suckiest moments: Failing the military Saying goodbye to my grandma Watching my sister self destruct Holding my dog while...

Still fighting off the last remnants of whatever this is. I feel like I might be starting to fight a migraine but it's probably just a bad headache from the coughing and snot over load. It's been a really bad season for this it seems like. Only going to get worse as the cold temperatures swoop in and back out again. 21 degrees tonight?? I know it's a lot worse basically every where else so I shouldn't complain. Sheesh though. Another complication with the house. I'm trying to check where I am emotionally. I've written pros and cons. I just kind of have this nagging feeling that maybe I keep getting presented with these opportunities to get out of the contract and I'm ignoring them. However, I could just be making that up in my head. Going to really think on it this evening and see what answers the morning brings. Also my surgery is not playing well. Apparently the surgeon is going out of town so we've had to move it up. And I learned that I'm going...

A sick day. A day of being sick but well taken care of. Very well. I'm not sure how tomorrow is going to play out. I've managed to procure three pills of antibiotics. The kind that you got prescribed (you can't even remember when) and you never finished them but they live in your medicine cabinet. Probably don't even remember what for. I've also tried sudafed, mucinex, dayquil, alkaseltzer, and flonase to no avail. Fingers crossed the sun brings a slight relief from the pressure of a sinus infection. On another note, I finished this book: It was very well written and probably one of my top favorite books. I can't, at the moment, reconcile the ending. I am beyond belief that that was the ending. I might slowly come to terms with the fact that it fits, was very 'right',  but not right now. However, a book that makes you feel so strongly, in any way.... is a GREAT piece of literature. 

The meds haven't kicked this sickness as much as I was hoping. I might, in fact, be able to attribute this whole day of bizarre to the cold medicine, maybe. I clock in and check the schedule. Four people have called out. I rub my nose and start walking down the hall. "You know those earrings aren't 'reg'." I look behind me at the female coworker but don't say anything. I think about the word 'reg' and how inappropriate it sounds for so early in the morning. She doesn't say anything either. I actually consider keeping them in, they've been in since Christmas and no one has said anything. But I concede and take them out as we keep walking. Sometimes, throughout the day it sounds like people are talking in slow motion. I watch their mouths move and I know I hear what they are saying, but I'm not processing. Maybe it's me who's moving in slow motion. A supervisor succumbs to the sickness and leaves. "I can tell you're...

The first day of the New Year went okay. Work was very slow. Very, VERY slow. I had a lot on my mind which made it drag even more. A lot of people are sick and complaining. I think I might be getting a slight cold. Dosing myself with OTC meds. I read this book. It was quite entertaining. I love when I pick up a book as a last resort because there is absolutely nothing else to read and it turns out to be good. Admittedly I was really hoping and waiting for something supernatural to happen. Given that, it was a mighty good story. Stephen King is correct. :) New shoes. I'm just struggling with my feet. Surgery soon. Scaring the crap out of me. I keep thinking I'm going to back out of it. Especially if the house goes through. But I think I need to get it done. I'm going to HAVE to get it done some day. After this, I've met my limit. No more surgeries. I'm done.