Frame of Reference

Its so funny that when I am working a thousand things that I could be doing race through my head. When I have my one day off during the week, I find myself staring out of windows and moving extra slow. Why can't I do all of those things that I think about? Looks like I will have Wednesdays for the next nine months. My seniority being nonexistent got me the same exact days off that I have now. I'm nervous about tomorrow with Bailey's surgery. Worse case scenarios and all of that. Everyone at the airport keeps talking about the furlough. There is more information on the news than we are ever told. Maybe it's all speculation. In a funny way, I kind of hope it happens. I could use the extra time off. But I need money. That community in the west is looking like Utopia. Living off of the grid. No bills, no money. I suppose we will always have stressors in our life. If it's not money it would just transfer onto something else. Fingers crossed. Time to get crafty. It...

These words are my own. Such negativity is not necessary There is no void or floating in space No choice made. No irrelevance. I wont. I refuse. It's mine. These thoughts and dreams. I don't even like boats, much less ships They sink

What if you see writings on the wall but they aren't meant for you. You feel each word but they aren't meant for you? Are you selfish for thinking so? Maybe it's a surprise because you feel at all. The world spins wether you are on it or not. It doesn't spin around... me. Bailey is scheduled for surgery on Thursday. I am hella nervous. I was released from all restrictions pertaining to my surgery today. The nurse had to take a phone call and left my chart in the room with me. Me being an insanely curious person, perused the chart. I found some confusing information. A sample was sent? Not malignant. Something doesn't feel right. Pushing birth control? Tomorrow is friday. Is it living if your biggest accomplishment is making it through the day? The mantra... just make it through today. I don't want to spend my time counting hours and minutes or even days.

It's not quite anxiety, but it's a tension.... a rope pulled taught. Bailey has to have surgery. After her two weeks of treatment for a UTI they found an enormous amount of red blood cells in her urine, but no white. So the infection was gone, but the blood wasn't. The x-ray on the wall showed 8 distinct circles in her bladder. Large circles. Much larger than she could ever hope to pass. She has bladder stones. They are just rolling around in there, cutting the lining of her bladder. The surgery is going to cost $600. I can't get over the fact that the more money you make, the more money you end up spending on necessities that you NEVER BEFORE had in your life!!! I can't wrap my head around that.

There are times when things aren't so great. There are even times when I try really hard to hold onto anger or a bad mood because I feel justified. I feel that if I let go of something, then no one will understand how wrong it is that I feel this way. That something is unjustified. But it's all in vain. Anger is in vain and so are bad moods. I wish there was a switch I could just flip when I feel it coming on.

"I've made my mistakes I have nowhere to run I'm fading away As the night goes on."

Sometimes, I think it's better living behind a wall. A shell. A void. So Much Better

I could go on and on about how this day was utter shit. I could mention the passengers slinging hate in my face. (I don't get paid enough) I could talk about my fellow employees idiocy or even quip about the test that I failed so beautifully, twice. I got to see the schedule for tomorrow and it sucks worse than today. Something to look forward too!! Or how the 13th hour of my work day turns into a drugged, slow motion, bad VHS tape. Maybe throw in a joke about how I decided to top off the day with a haircut and then have that turn into brown, jello like, poop. But I won't Because I want to see the good in life, in every day. I had a great lunch. It was the best hour of the day. Bailey played with me after dinner. She was scratching her nose all over me and it tickled like crazy. She goes to bed earlier than I do, and that's saying something. Still on meds but seems to be improving. Me on the other hand? I'm going to have to call my doctor about this night sweat ...

I don't know if I'm changing, if my life is changing or if other people are changing. But when you think you know someone/something, and it turns out to not be the truth... that sucks.

Ever since my surgery I've been having night sweats. I don't know what the deal is. Is it hormonal or am I just having incredibly realistic nightmares? What is causing me to wake up? Bailey had to have pain meds called in. The difference is borderline miraculous. She is stoned out of her mind but I can just tell her pain is gone. Her ears are forward and she isn't sighing. She's walks crooked but she also does her panda sprawl which she hasn't done since saturday. Though with the meds she keeps rubbing her nose and licking her lips. It's adorable and sad at the same time.

Still listening to the new CD. I like the extra songs, they really hit home with me though. Especially, I Run Empty. I think the music is saving me from having emotional trauma. That people I had to deal with yesterday were extremely rude and difficult. A woman wrinkled her nose and said "You just like touching people's asses don't you." I had a million responses to that go through my head, but instead my boss walked over. I still had to clear her before she could leave. She made me change my gloves and basically just made a whole scene about it. Another irate man started shoving bins because he was angry and in a hurry. I know this is par for the course, but some days it's really hard not to be sensitive about the whole issue and take it personally. Bailey went to the vet early yesterday morning. They had to keep her. She was peeing blood. Around lunch time we got a call asking if someone could pick her up because she was just so scared and not calming down, ev...

It was an eventful week-end. My week starts on Friday, that's my monday. My crazy aunt showed up on Thursday. Lots of eating. Good times. We saw Warm Bodies. It was the worst movie I've ever seen. EVER. And I've seen a lot of bad ones. I would have walked out if I wasn't there with someone who was actually enjoying it, (my aunt). I don't recommend it. Even for rental. Although, they have pretty amazing marketing because it's apparently the number one movie. She left today. *sigh* of relief? I got to work this morning at -way before the butt crack of dawn- and was greeted with an ocean of purple. I heard rumors flying around that it was 1500 to fly out of New Orleans after the Super Bowl. So everyone decided to drive here and fly out. They had not slept, nor showered, nor SOBERED UP. Yesterday I talked to about 800 people, today it was 1500 people. After the seventh Raven's fan said, "you wanna see my I.D. *and proceeded to point to their raven's ...