Frame of Reference

My beautiful dinner, on a paper plate. Coconut crusted tilapia and veggies in an olive oil butter. It was very delicious. I've been sick for most of the day today so I thought that I would try something a little.... blandish. I think I've drank an entire two liter of Ginger ale.  Got one of my little men today. We went to the park, it's been so unbearably hot so I wasn't planning on staying a long time but then it started raining and we had so much fun playing in the rain!! I took him home wet, played out, and laughing. We sang the entire car ride home.

It was a good day today. Despite my sometimes, melancholy writing, I do realize how blessed I am. I know that I have it good. I just also accept the fact that I sometimes live in my head. I sometimes let the worst thoughts guide my actions. My imagination hops in the driver seat and goes for a spin. I know that it's not always a good thing. Sometimes it is. But it's also very much who I am. I'm not always proud of my decisions or actions, or even thoughts. I am, however, very proud of me. I like who I am very much! I can look anyone in the eyes and tell them that I am a good person and honestly believe it. I know it to the core of my being. That I am thoughtful, HILARIOUS, smart, and I would almost always do the right thing, to a fault sometimes, ha! My boys eating lunch last week. So much love. There is this thing that I do at work when I want to "escape" the thoughts, the people around me, the job, etc. I put my headphones in and I pick one or two lyri...

Crossroads. I guess we constantly come upon them. No warning. Maybe a change in the atmosphere. A smell of rain. And then there you are, having to make a decision. Awesome beach day. Red nose. Sun-tired. Acceptance? Sounds like you just roll over and say, "what the hell, I can't do anything about it." Maybe it's true. Maybe it's not. Grief is a consequence of love (not my quote but I like it). I suppose Wisdom is another.

Love listening to really good music in the car. Summer of 69?.... a good tune. Realized today 75% of my force is "mentally" medicated. One just got turned in for making suicidal threats. Not me. One has committed suicide since I've been there. 5 have cancer. 3 have died from cancer. 98% have physical issues related to the job and have sought medical treatment for said issues. None of this has any effect on my daily life. Just interesting, right? I think given the current situation, I just feel very, very, VERY stupid. Very small. But that's my choice. How one text can turn around a situation. How it can instill hope or take it all away. What power we give... I've enjoyed the new friends that I've made. I've enjoyed the new experiences, but I think I just need to get away, and I am very much looking forward to that. Leave this place and the thoughts that live in it.

Why do people answer the phone when they are busy? I got turned down for a job I applied for today. That sucks. But oh well, it was one of many! I have had an amazing weekend. Sometimes awkward. Mostly fun. Amazing pictures. Today I finally unpacked everything in my studio and purged all of the old stuff. And still I sit. Got some good advice, to not make the same mistakes. I guess it's true what they say. It happens over time. People who think time heals? They are wrong, it just makes you forget how much things hurt. Hypocrisy? That's like being caught with your fly down. That's all you buddy, someone just had the decency to point it out for you. You know when you are at the grocery store and you're holding a bottle of wine, one piece of chocolate pie, and bagel bites?... you're either pms-ing or getting over shit. Oh wait...

"You are so delusional" Writing here helps. Helps get the crazy out and lets me vent, throw tantrums, and otherwise express myself. It's not a cure all but it is very therapeutic. My boys are growing up so fast. Caiden sat all by himself yesterday for a haircut. Pretty soon he will be driving, Ha Ha. Noah doll still isn't talking but he's very expressive and so smart. He takes everything apart and wants to know how everything works. He has the most beautiful smile. I've been reading a lot of articles on self help. I suppose that I always do. I'm always looking for people's different ideas on self improvement and working on that. Thinking, meditating. I've been introducing some healthier choices into my own. Thinking about doing the Whole30 challenge. See if I can reset my body. It's not just my body, it's my mind too. That takes a whole new kind of resetting. So tomorrow I am going out. Saying "yes" instead of making excuses...

despair |diˈspe(ə)r| noun the complete loss or absence of hope : driven to despair , he throws himself under a train | in despair , I hit the bottle. verb [ intrans. ] lose or be without hope : we should not despair | he was beginning to despair of ever knowing | [as adj. ] ( despairing ) he gave a despairing little shrug. The only comfortable position is the fetal position. I rock back and forth, breathing through the temper tantrum that my uterus seems to be throwing in my abdomen. My body is turning on me and I'm an unwilling victim. I'm angry at the world and those in it. Only sometimes. Usually, I am logical and understand that I am the only one going through this (that I know, in my world) and no one else needs to be contaminated with the pain of dealing with me. I know I am hard to deal with. I know there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do. That's a lie. The food in my fridge when I got home? The ride home from the hospital and taking my ca...

I think tomorrow is going to be a rough day. I accept the challenge and will look at it as an opportunity to rise above my body. Prove to myself that my mind is stronger than biology. There is a rabbit that seems to have made my backyard it's new home. For now anyway, until it decides to move along. I hope that it doesn't though. I can't really describe the joy of looking out of my back window and seeing this huge rabbit just roaming free. I'd feed it but I am 100% sure the squadron of squirrels I have back there would make quick work of it. I painted. I need a lot of work on perspective with paints. It's not quite shading like with pencils. Especially on mountains. I also dismantled my canopy. It was in pieces already and yet needed to be further dissected in order to fit into my trash bin. Working with my hands brought about another type of satisfaction. Distracted me anyway. So I've been seeing this post being shared on Facebook. --> Dating someo...

I got a lot done today and yet I still felt...... That's okay though. I know you don't. The picture was stupid.

I am a lot of things: Neurotic, Afraid, Anxiety ridden, closed off, distant, Sarcastic, Selfish, etc. I can be a lot to deal with. Night time is ALWAYS ALWAYS my worst time of the day. I wish I could take a pill with my dinner and then just pass out and wake up the next day. Your shadow will never darken my doorway. No matter how bad things get. You will never make sure I'm okay after an argument. You will never show up just to crawl into bed with me. Even if you have nothing else to do. You gave up on me over and over. But so did I. On myself and you. But I was never really there for you ever, right? You say no and I don't listen. I'm sorry for pushing you. I'm sorry for being too much of me. I think you had a lot of things wrong. I think I didn't listen. I think I will always think the best of you. I think I will hate you in the darkness for not wanting the worst of me. You give me time yet you KNOW that's the worst for me I think you lik...

Late night, so worth it. The moon is incredible!! I wish I had a camera capable of capturing it's brightness and fullness. I also LOVE DRIVING AT NIGHT!!! Especially during the summer. It's almost magical how different it feels. Great, great evening. I really needed it. I have a lot to say about anxiety and those people that choose not to try and understand it... But it's not my place. It's my journey to deal with it, not complain about it or try to change anyone else's mind about it. Did I mention how AWESOME of a night it was?!?!