Frame of Reference

I'm road tripping. My blog will be updated at the following location. Enjoy it! http://shdwdancr9.livejournal.com

I wrote a pretty heartfelt and emotional story last night and actually posted it here. I woke up this morning and thought it was a little too personal though. It was a conversation between me and my grandmother. What I thought she would have said to everything that's going on. I even cried. I felt better after I cried. It didn't change anything though. Maybe we have to change instead of the situations we find ourselves in. The tumor is pressing against the spine - Constant pain - Chronic fatigue Cysts - Ultrasounds Bloody urine - staph infection - complications - Complete disregard Helpless Critical observations of everything and everyone Tension - Snapping - Guilt Self doubt - Confusion - Anger Nightmares every single night Bad decisions - Constant disappointment Endless Accounts - Endless routines Watching someone struggle to keep their head above the water Being the one that pushed them in Helpless - Guilt Visualizing thrown punches and bloody knuckles I run faster and farth...

Fear lives within me It creates excuses Do I even possess courage Or am I mistaking it for Stupidity Impulsive to a point Responsible to a downfall A stick stuck in the mud of righteousness oozing with The Past Am I afraid to fail or afraid to fall Coffee flavored mornings tickle my brain. I can't stop thinking about it. I had a dream about it. I dreamed I couldn't breathe. It felt like my lungs kept getting smaller and smaller. Panic took control of my body and I squeezed my eyes shut against the world. I fell to my knees and wrapped my arms around my stomach willing my lungs to expand but they kept shrinking. My lips started to tingle and my hands were turning to ice. Usually it's very dark in my dreams. Always night or dusk, but it was so bright this time. I couldn't tell where the light was coming from. My eyes started to tear up even while they were closed against the brightness. I tasted something very metallic but was too panicked to know if I had bitten my ton...

I hope everyone had a great fourth of July. I started mine off with food poisoning. Sushi was had for dinner and it was sooo good. Unfortunately it was coming back only an hour after consumption and it did not taste good the second time. I threw up so much and for so long I actually fell asleep on the bathroom floor curled up in the fetal position. I went to bed and lined my small trash can with a plastic bag. I would lie down and then my stomach would lurch so I'd sit up and just hug the thing, puking for a couple of minutes before falling back down. There was no way that I had that much in my stomach. I woke up and was still feeling slightly sensitive. I tried sipping water because I could feel myself getting dehydrated, sticky mouth and all. We had talked about going hiking today so I rolled out of bed. Surprisingly, my stomach felt alright and I decided that I could probably handle it.  With no map and no plan we headed out west to Fall Creek Falls. Why state parks are surroun...

I think someone is partying with the invisibility cloak. I was called on it and now I call you. I got an email back with negative feedback. Not bad just non- existent I don't know what to make of it I want to bury my head in the sand and dream good dreams of worlds that don't exist but should My room is gone, changed, different Visuals live and disappear We need a signal, where is the superhero to save the day? Can you hear my message through the veils? Do my words cause turned heads and deaf ears? Is karma biting me in the ass? What will the grand canyon look like to one person? Are you one person to the world and the world to one person? Does the world keep moving but you can't? It's like waking up in the middle of a dream paralyzed and silently screaming. I vomit thoughts like spectacular food cherished but can't possess  Kickball antics to my gut places familiar spots owned.  I haven't seen you around. Riddles....abound

Still nothing. Full of second guessing. Obsessed with 2012 and Alien abductions. Succumbing to apologetic visions of Compasses held and given Put the puzzle back together or ache forever, never settle I'm seriously considering employing the services of a psychic. Maybe I need a therapist more. At least immediate environments are scrubbed, cleaned, and rearranged . Change of pace, not enough. If I show up now, will I always wonder? Will there exist doubt forever? Trust could never be reborn. What if? What if? I keep having bad dreams. I've become a clock watcher for no apparent reason. I check the time and don't see numbers, they matter not. I'm not waiting. I'm making sure it's still ticking. I listen to music without lyrics because words burrow. Faster, deeper, intricate, and louder. Drums all encompassing while synths scream. Pound the beating of my heart. Chase away these waking ------ms.