Frame of Reference

Not marshmallows, ear plugs. Genius invention. I wish that I could be out celebrating the change of the New Year, alas I have to get up at 2:40 a.m. tomorrow. These will hopefully help block out fireworks. I'm really looking forward to driving amongst the drunk. Scary stuff right there. No resolutions this year, I just want to move forward. I am thankful for 2015, as heart wrenching and difficult as it was. No regrets. I am thankful for everyone who played a part. Looking bravely into the New Year and crossing my fingers it will be better, not only for me but for everyone. We all deserve to be happy.

Today was a bit rough and the beginning of a new chapter in my life has unfolded. A great attitude though and all of that. I love my Keane print. It's one of my favorite artworks that I have! You can't really see the moon, but that's the best part. A dark moon. Where is the light source coming from that illuminates her face then? Curious.  I found this definition... enlightening and kind of hilarious->       Ghosted A term used to describe when a man (or woman) they have been seeing for a while stops taking their calls and answering their texts. These actions are usually preceded by many a broken promise to "hang out" "have a drink or two" or "catch up" on the part of the Ghoster. The Ghostee is left wondering whether the person that was just inside of them two weeks ago is now alive or dead. Neither can be definitively proven. I had been sleeping with Todd for about a year and a half before he Ghosted me. Even a "Fuck ...

My muscles are literally trembling. Moving sucks. Packing and unpacking sucks. Ungratefulness sucks. BUT!!! It will all be good and it will all work out and everything is for the plan!! I have something I need to get off of my chest, so here goes: If you are doing something or not doing something because you THINK, because you ASSUME that it is in the best interest of another person, well my friend... that makes you a self righteous asshole with a god complex and that's a little 'g' because god is all knowing and you ARE NOT. Because, seriously... who gave you the authority, the know how, to know what is GOOD for another person?? Do you feel better at the end of the day because you've made this decision on behalf of another adult? You don't want to talk to someone because you think it's for the best? Not your decision to make! You don't want to talk to someone because it hurts you personally, then by all means. Because you are doing it for you, not because...

A bit of excitement at work today. The alarms went off and we had to close where I work and seek shelter. Some people acted very silly, showing more concern for their material items then finding a safe place away from the multitude of windows. I enjoyed not working for a solid thirty minutes. I was however a bit disappointed over whom I was stuck 'sheltering' with. Not great company. A tree in my front yard also became a casualty to the storms. It was dead anyway and I figure it's pretty cool to go out in a blaze of glory, or a gust of wind. All perspective. Everyday, telling myself to keep moving forward. That hearts mend and to stop missing what I lost. I'm grateful.

I am completely running on autopilot. My body is beyond exhausted, my patience is tried, I think I'm shutting down parts of my myself just so I can survive this transition. Lack of focus. I remember showering this morning at 2:15 and eating a pop-tart on the way to work. It was strawberry. I swept at the airport and entertained myself by thinking that I am just an overpaid cleaning crew with a sucky uniform. I also disappeared into my music. My supervisors are still giving me the run around. I walked past an office. The guy was playing a slot machine game on his phone. I put my earbud in and took a deep breath. A  and I wrestled in the hallway and was told to stop horsing around. We then made horse noises for the next half hour. I ate a bagel because I didn't feel like leftovers. I made a game of avoiding certain coworkers but one of them followed me into the hall. I put my music in my ear before turning around. I'm not sure what she said but my nodding seemed to suffice. ...

Finished the garage this evening. We did such an amazing job, girl power times a thousand! I'm exhausted. Officially put in word to change my job up. That's scary and exciting. This little guy sat on the back porch with me and we literally had a 12 minute conversation. He is seriously talking. I just have no idea what he's saying. But he's saying something and he knows. Long sentences and paragraphs and wonderful body language. The way he punctuates his points by nodding his head emphatically just makes me smile. He already finds such joy in making other people happy. When he makes his brother laugh, his whole face lights up and he tries to keep the laughs going. He's my mellow man that loves hugs, mickey mouse, and any kind of food you put in front of him. I swear he has a very old soul.

Today was not a great day. It was a hard day. A very rough day to get through. It took effort, a lot of it. A lot of starting, stopping, backing up, starting over, forgiveness, deep breathing, and patience. It was a hard day. I woke up emotional. It's Christmas and here I am getting up at 2:30 in the morning to go to work. I want to be sleeping next to someone that I am in love with. I would love to have been waking up at 2:30 in the morning to put christmas presents under the tree from santa. I would love to have woken up and just wished someone Merry Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that I have a job and all of the bullshit that goes with it. But today... I just wish things were different and it was hard to stay on that track with asshole passengers, asshole supervisors, asshole coworkers, uncooperative family members and guys who don't get your sister christmas gifts and makes her feel like crap and moms who are stressed because they are changing their wh...

I'm kind of copping out on this picture. It is very meaningful and it makes me laugh, because I know that me taking pictures of my bruises and wounds are absurd. It's kind of running joke that I've always just done, ever since phones could take pictures. It is Christmas Eve however, and things are incredibly busy. I literally have had no time to get things done, much less slow down and appreciate the finer things in life. Soon though, very soon. The wall is nearly complete!! We are taking a break for the holiday and letting our wounds heal and muscles calm down. I did write a poem while I was at work today. I was trying to destress during my break from all of the rude holiday travelers Here it be: Whispered revocations intertwined amongst mumbled conversations A veritable symphony of justifications that seem just slightly out of sync Muscles that twinge and remind your body of feathered memories A chain of weak links Remember to feed yourself unsure assurances of ...

What, you didn't think I was going to skip a day, did you? No, I am committed. This is what I am grateful for today. Girl POWER teamwork. We have worked our assess off and made great strides, all by ourselves with no man at all whatsoever... well, I take that back, we did borrow my brother in law to help move a washer and dryer and couch. Bad dreams abound. Sample? Me getting texts on my phone in my dream. This is what my screen looked like: C: ::Picture of family:: Me: That's awesome. You guys look very happy. I'm happy for you!! Thank you so much for sharing. I miss them like crazy.  C: Yes, I am so much happier now. Me: Well, that's good. Good for you. C: I should have done it a lot sooner... Me: Done what? C: Left you. Everything is so much better... Me: .............. C: I'm just really happy. Me: I'm.... That's great. Have a good Christmas.  I woke up crying. Then my snuggle slut Bailey crawled up and burrowed her no...

I am a badass for blowing in insulation. A learning curve. A big accomplishment. Grateful for masks. Fiberglass is scary. I hurt. My wallet hurts. My ovaries hurt and I want to curl up and just sleep for days. But it's a good hurt. All over. My heart hurts but my head hurts more. I enjoy tearing walls down more than I do building them. Literally and metaphorically. 

The Rain. Floor is sealed. Proud, proud. It's coming along. Soon school will start, soon I will say adios. Such a rough year. Looking forward to the new one. 

Modern medicine is a marvel. I've been on my feet a lot and they are very sore, however I am so grateful for the fact that I have the opportunity for it to be sore on days that I over use it and NOT sore every day, like it was. It would be awesome to have someone rub my feet, but I don't give into such greedy thoughts often.  Pressure washing, check! I felt pretty badass conquering that. I know it might not sound huge, but whenever I do something that I have never done, I feel awesome.  Know what else makes me happy? Seeing those I care about being happy. Even if I'm not a part of it, even if I can't be there, it's a really good thing. 

Grateful for symmetry, alcohol, shadows, and shapes. So incredibly tired. We are working, working, on cleaning, construction, and packing.  Built an outdoor shed. Saw plans for tomorrow. I'm happy/sad. Almost done with Christmas shopping. I'm grateful...

I received awesome news today! We were very, very busy at work. Almost 2,000 again. Added construction, lack of sleep, and Christmas shopping, I am one tired chica. Tonight I am grateful for darkness. Lots of meaning and probably most apply. I keep on learning things, keep on feeling things.

This is my most prized possession. It is cracked and the volume doesn't work any longer. It's also very outdated. Despite all of those flaws, it has saved my career. It has saved my life and my sanity more times than I can count. Today was a rough day at work. We had some machines malfunction. Imagine putting 1800 people through one checkout lane at Walmart. A wrench has been thrown into my plans as far as work goes as well. Like a very wise person always says, though, I am like a cat. I will figure this out as well and land on my feet. I am an incredibly lucky person.  Construction has started. Buckle up buckaroo, the ride has started and there aint no stoppin' it once it get's a going'. 

Very cool clouds and lovely nature feelings. It was a peaceful day today. 

This is who I am grateful for today. Unconditional love. She is getting up there in years and still acts like a puppy, still acts like a princess, still acts scared shitless, and still acts badass. This is where you should stop reading if you don't want to get into the 'feely' stuff.  So I've thought a lot about this entry. I actually asked permission if I could write a letter and I was asked not to. I will respect that, so this is not a letter. This is me wanting to go into the new year a better person. I have found myself in a place that I never thought that I would have found myself after these past.. '5 ish' years. Single and not in a relationship. I've spent a lot of time the last couple of months feeling very overwhelmed and just sad. This person that I saw myself spending the rest of my life with just said "no more" and it was so simple and so easy for them. To just stop talking. To stop enjoying each other's company. To sto...

Today in 'school' on an actual real projection slide, on an actual document that was given to me, that I was 'ACTUALLY' supposed to ingest. I will put it 'verbatim': "This -insert blah blah blah- is MEANT. TO. REDUCE. COGNITIVE. BURDEN. Oh believe you me, I picked up on that. I raised my hand. I stood up even. I stood up in class... made up of my peers and my training department and I asked, in a shocked tone, "That literally translates into they want us to THINK LESS. That means to NOT THINK. Is this what everyone else interprets those words to mean?" My training instructor was not impressed with me. I was not with the material. I am not impressed even now that I can make light of it. I filled the rest of the time fantasizing about walking out. I literally had a mantra in my head, "I don't want to do this. I can't do this. I'm not a robot." But, what I am, is a responsible citizen. So I will find another job before I quit...

Promises, even if they get broken... 

I really like this little project of showcasing things that I am grateful for. It's a reminder to always look for the good. Today? Porches with tons of character: It was rough at work. I'm looking for a new job with renewed vigor. I've been ostrasized for performing at a badass level and for opening my big mouth and just talking. It's funny because in all of my evaluations I'm always told I should talk more. It's always the quiet ones. It has brought me and my guy friend closer. We are in the same boat.  I finished Shonda's book. It was awesome. I recommend it, very inspiring. I want to read Elisabeth Gilbert's newest book. That's the author that wrote Eat, Love, Pray. I need to wait until I get paid again though. I haven't even started Christmas shopping.  I also am facing a weird area with my exes children. I love them so much. I miss them more than I can even describe. It's such an awkward and a very sad position to be in. I jus...

I took my final on Tuesday, but I had one more art project that was due today. Not a final, but a project. I kind of waited until the last minute. I am so freaking GRATEFUL my semester is over. Nothing else, absolutely NOTHING else to think about for a few weeks regarding school and intellect!! I am extremely proud of myself. I feel extremely accomplished. I feel really great actually. It was a good move. A good move for my future too. Also, bangs? I think that would be a yes. Christmas party? CHECK! I think I'm gonna take a page from Shonda Rhime's memoir and just start saying yes to things and saying yes to saying no. I also go myself into trouble with a, well I wouldn't call her a friend, but someone who I feel bad for their situation. I could have lied and saved myself face. I could have pleaded the fifth. But I told the truth and came clean. I also told her that I was not going to lie for her to anyone else. I refuse to have the kind of relationship with her where...

A lot of things happened today. Was asked to give back my vacation day, again. I said "no". That felt really good. I always say yes or I always say no. But I never say "no" for me. For no other reason. Saw Mr. Graham, the tight end for the Patriots. I was unimpressed but he was nice enough. Made a decision regarding work and got some awesome news about the future of my work as far as paychecks go. Got some results on school and still hanging on the line. Huge relief and huge stress still remains. A friend got some pretty horrible news, sending good thoughts. Sending good thoughts to everyone actually.  A good day. I feel like I also made an accomplishment not giving into thoughts. What am I grateful for visualized today? This nugget right here

Today was a little bizarre for me if I am being honest. I slept amazingly well, I woke up and things were done to the house, I spent a wonderful day with the boys. It's almost as if I was having an out of body experience though. Almost as if I was just watching all of it. My sister pissed me off which is making me second guess everything. Sibling have a knack for that, though, don't they? They know the buttons. They feign the ignorance. They set up arguments that you have no chance of winning. I chose not to play and just walked away. I think today was my brain's way of saving me. Just checking out and reveling in the no stress. I did have moments of wanting to leave. I don't want to run away though. I know that logically I can. It's possible. Anything is possible. Well, not anything. My step dad was asking about my classes today. I told him that I will be lucky to pass chemistry, that it's not looking good. He said, in completely seriousness, "Adrienne, y...

Final final of the semester. I'm kind of petrified. Taking a break from studying because I feel a bit overwhelmed with all of the information. So I am giving Bailey a bath with her medicated shampoo that has to stay on for 12 minutes and getting some thoughts out. I feel as if I'm on the cusp of inspiration for something. A poem, a piece of artwork, something needs to get out of me. Something needs to be created with such potent thoughts. How can you tear someone down and then post a motivational quote about building people up? How can you say that you don't have enough time yet find time for everyone else? The day is so beautiful. I sat in the sun and wished it's rays would shine into the darkest corners. Got some good news about my job today too. Bailey looks adorable with all of her hair wet and a pissy expression on her face. I better go rinse her off and finish my laundry.

I love seeing the sunrise and the sunset. They are beautiful in the winter. I love my boys and how they magically make me feel better just by being them. I have many things to be grateful for. Many things to be thankful for.

This is my horoscope for today: You are in no mood to be challenged today and may react defensively, even if you are not the target of someone's resistance. A lingering issue could push you dangerously close to an emotional meltdown. You can feel the heat rising from the bottom of the volcano and are driven to express your unresolved issues. Nevertheless, it works in your favor if you make your point in a constructive manner. Being sensitive to everyone else's feelings allows you to deliver your message in a way that is well received. A lingering issue --- yeah. One I want to put to bed. One I want to stop thinking about, stop being reminded of. I feel like I have OCD and these thoughts are stuck on repeat in my head like cassette tapes or a song that I loved at first and now it's literally driving me insane. I have every vowel memorized, every response practiced, every possible situation played out, literally a thousand times. I just want it to stop. Reading helps. Hom...

Today was a bit of a rough day as far as work goes, a few pissy people. I'm tired of defending my job 10+ times a day. Don't people watch the news and feel the need for security measures that are just trying to ensure their safety? My boss is also completely unresponsive to my requests and I've been asked to give back a vacation day that I have coming up because they miscalculated the flow.  He said it was "up to me" but I really just need a break, especially after finals. I've had a chronic headache for 3 days straight now. Mostly, right behind my eyes. Getting blessed in the home area, to which I am unimaginably grateful. It does come with a price, but what good things in life don't? A few quotes that I am "feeling": I learned that no matter  how much I care, some people just don't care back And it's not the end of the world. Sensitive people hurt more, but they love more and they dream more ~Augusto Cury For the pe...

A selfish request. I wish that everyone around me could realize that being stressed about something is normal. It's how we deal with that stress that can define a day, a moment, a week. Being angry, taking it out on others, or closing down entirely isn't going to help. I know we all feel like those are great coping skills, but they aren't... in my opinion. They can be toxic and infect those around you. I have many, many reasons to be stressed this week, this month, for the next 2 years. But there comes a point where you just have to let go. Whatever is going to happen will happen, there has to be a loss of the desire to control every situation. So lets all take a deep breath, be grateful for what we have, who we have, and we will all get through this together, just fine.