Frame of Reference

Not marshmallows, ear plugs. Genius invention. I wish that I could be out celebrating the change of the New Year, alas I have to get up at 2:40 a.m. tomorrow. These will hopefully help block out fireworks. I'm really looking forward to driving amongst the drunk. Scary stuff right there. No resolutions this year, I just want to move forward. I am thankful for 2015, as heart wrenching and difficult as it was. No regrets. I am thankful for everyone who played a part. Looking bravely into the New Year and crossing my fingers it will be better, not only for me but for everyone. We all deserve to be happy.

Today was a bit rough and the beginning of a new chapter in my life has unfolded. A great attitude though and all of that. I love my Keane print. It's one of my favorite artworks that I have! You can't really see the moon, but that's the best part. A dark moon. Where is the light source coming from that illuminates her face then? Curious.  I found this definition... enlightening and kind of hilarious->       Ghosted A term used to describe when a man (or woman) they have been seeing for a while stops taking their calls and answering their texts. These actions are usually preceded by many a broken promise to "hang out" "have a drink or two" or "catch up" on the part of the Ghoster. The Ghostee is left wondering whether the person that was just inside of them two weeks ago is now alive or dead. Neither can be definitively proven. I had been sleeping with Todd for about a year and a half before he Ghosted me. Even a "Fuck ...

My muscles are literally trembling. Moving sucks. Packing and unpacking sucks. Ungratefulness sucks. BUT!!! It will all be good and it will all work out and everything is for the plan!! I have something I need to get off of my chest, so here goes: If you are doing something or not doing something because you THINK, because you ASSUME that it is in the best interest of another person, well my friend... that makes you a self righteous asshole with a god complex and that's a little 'g' because god is all knowing and you ARE NOT. Because, seriously... who gave you the authority, the know how, to know what is GOOD for another person?? Do you feel better at the end of the day because you've made this decision on behalf of another adult? You don't want to talk to someone because you think it's for the best? Not your decision to make! You don't want to talk to someone because it hurts you personally, then by all means. Because you are doing it for you, not because...

A bit of excitement at work today. The alarms went off and we had to close where I work and seek shelter. Some people acted very silly, showing more concern for their material items then finding a safe place away from the multitude of windows. I enjoyed not working for a solid thirty minutes. I was however a bit disappointed over whom I was stuck 'sheltering' with. Not great company. A tree in my front yard also became a casualty to the storms. It was dead anyway and I figure it's pretty cool to go out in a blaze of glory, or a gust of wind. All perspective. Everyday, telling myself to keep moving forward. That hearts mend and to stop missing what I lost. I'm grateful.

I am completely running on autopilot. My body is beyond exhausted, my patience is tried, I think I'm shutting down parts of my myself just so I can survive this transition. Lack of focus. I remember showering this morning at 2:15 and eating a pop-tart on the way to work. It was strawberry. I swept at the airport and entertained myself by thinking that I am just an overpaid cleaning crew with a sucky uniform. I also disappeared into my music. My supervisors are still giving me the run around. I walked past an office. The guy was playing a slot machine game on his phone. I put my earbud in and took a deep breath. A  and I wrestled in the hallway and was told to stop horsing around. We then made horse noises for the next half hour. I ate a bagel because I didn't feel like leftovers. I made a game of avoiding certain coworkers but one of them followed me into the hall. I put my music in my ear before turning around. I'm not sure what she said but my nodding seemed to suffice. ...

Finished the garage this evening. We did such an amazing job, girl power times a thousand! I'm exhausted. Officially put in word to change my job up. That's scary and exciting. This little guy sat on the back porch with me and we literally had a 12 minute conversation. He is seriously talking. I just have no idea what he's saying. But he's saying something and he knows. Long sentences and paragraphs and wonderful body language. The way he punctuates his points by nodding his head emphatically just makes me smile. He already finds such joy in making other people happy. When he makes his brother laugh, his whole face lights up and he tries to keep the laughs going. He's my mellow man that loves hugs, mickey mouse, and any kind of food you put in front of him. I swear he has a very old soul.

Today was not a great day. It was a hard day. A very rough day to get through. It took effort, a lot of it. A lot of starting, stopping, backing up, starting over, forgiveness, deep breathing, and patience. It was a hard day. I woke up emotional. It's Christmas and here I am getting up at 2:30 in the morning to go to work. I want to be sleeping next to someone that I am in love with. I would love to have been waking up at 2:30 in the morning to put christmas presents under the tree from santa. I would love to have woken up and just wished someone Merry Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that I have a job and all of the bullshit that goes with it. But today... I just wish things were different and it was hard to stay on that track with asshole passengers, asshole supervisors, asshole coworkers, uncooperative family members and guys who don't get your sister christmas gifts and makes her feel like crap and moms who are stressed because they are changing their wh...

I'm kind of copping out on this picture. It is very meaningful and it makes me laugh, because I know that me taking pictures of my bruises and wounds are absurd. It's kind of running joke that I've always just done, ever since phones could take pictures. It is Christmas Eve however, and things are incredibly busy. I literally have had no time to get things done, much less slow down and appreciate the finer things in life. Soon though, very soon. The wall is nearly complete!! We are taking a break for the holiday and letting our wounds heal and muscles calm down. I did write a poem while I was at work today. I was trying to destress during my break from all of the rude holiday travelers Here it be: Whispered revocations intertwined amongst mumbled conversations A veritable symphony of justifications that seem just slightly out of sync Muscles that twinge and remind your body of feathered memories A chain of weak links Remember to feed yourself unsure assurances of ...

What, you didn't think I was going to skip a day, did you? No, I am committed. This is what I am grateful for today. Girl POWER teamwork. We have worked our assess off and made great strides, all by ourselves with no man at all whatsoever... well, I take that back, we did borrow my brother in law to help move a washer and dryer and couch. Bad dreams abound. Sample? Me getting texts on my phone in my dream. This is what my screen looked like: C: ::Picture of family:: Me: That's awesome. You guys look very happy. I'm happy for you!! Thank you so much for sharing. I miss them like crazy.  C: Yes, I am so much happier now. Me: Well, that's good. Good for you. C: I should have done it a lot sooner... Me: Done what? C: Left you. Everything is so much better... Me: .............. C: I'm just really happy. Me: I'm.... That's great. Have a good Christmas.  I woke up crying. Then my snuggle slut Bailey crawled up and burrowed her no...

I am a badass for blowing in insulation. A learning curve. A big accomplishment. Grateful for masks. Fiberglass is scary. I hurt. My wallet hurts. My ovaries hurt and I want to curl up and just sleep for days. But it's a good hurt. All over. My heart hurts but my head hurts more. I enjoy tearing walls down more than I do building them. Literally and metaphorically. 

The Rain. Floor is sealed. Proud, proud. It's coming along. Soon school will start, soon I will say adios. Such a rough year. Looking forward to the new one. 

Modern medicine is a marvel. I've been on my feet a lot and they are very sore, however I am so grateful for the fact that I have the opportunity for it to be sore on days that I over use it and NOT sore every day, like it was. It would be awesome to have someone rub my feet, but I don't give into such greedy thoughts often.  Pressure washing, check! I felt pretty badass conquering that. I know it might not sound huge, but whenever I do something that I have never done, I feel awesome.  Know what else makes me happy? Seeing those I care about being happy. Even if I'm not a part of it, even if I can't be there, it's a really good thing. 

Grateful for symmetry, alcohol, shadows, and shapes. So incredibly tired. We are working, working, on cleaning, construction, and packing.  Built an outdoor shed. Saw plans for tomorrow. I'm happy/sad. Almost done with Christmas shopping. I'm grateful...

I received awesome news today! We were very, very busy at work. Almost 2,000 again. Added construction, lack of sleep, and Christmas shopping, I am one tired chica. Tonight I am grateful for darkness. Lots of meaning and probably most apply. I keep on learning things, keep on feeling things.

This is my most prized possession. It is cracked and the volume doesn't work any longer. It's also very outdated. Despite all of those flaws, it has saved my career. It has saved my life and my sanity more times than I can count. Today was a rough day at work. We had some machines malfunction. Imagine putting 1800 people through one checkout lane at Walmart. A wrench has been thrown into my plans as far as work goes as well. Like a very wise person always says, though, I am like a cat. I will figure this out as well and land on my feet. I am an incredibly lucky person.  Construction has started. Buckle up buckaroo, the ride has started and there aint no stoppin' it once it get's a going'. 

Very cool clouds and lovely nature feelings. It was a peaceful day today. 

This is who I am grateful for today. Unconditional love. She is getting up there in years and still acts like a puppy, still acts like a princess, still acts scared shitless, and still acts badass. This is where you should stop reading if you don't want to get into the 'feely' stuff.  So I've thought a lot about this entry. I actually asked permission if I could write a letter and I was asked not to. I will respect that, so this is not a letter. This is me wanting to go into the new year a better person. I have found myself in a place that I never thought that I would have found myself after these past.. '5 ish' years. Single and not in a relationship. I've spent a lot of time the last couple of months feeling very overwhelmed and just sad. This person that I saw myself spending the rest of my life with just said "no more" and it was so simple and so easy for them. To just stop talking. To stop enjoying each other's company. To sto...

Today in 'school' on an actual real projection slide, on an actual document that was given to me, that I was 'ACTUALLY' supposed to ingest. I will put it 'verbatim': "This -insert blah blah blah- is MEANT. TO. REDUCE. COGNITIVE. BURDEN. Oh believe you me, I picked up on that. I raised my hand. I stood up even. I stood up in class... made up of my peers and my training department and I asked, in a shocked tone, "That literally translates into they want us to THINK LESS. That means to NOT THINK. Is this what everyone else interprets those words to mean?" My training instructor was not impressed with me. I was not with the material. I am not impressed even now that I can make light of it. I filled the rest of the time fantasizing about walking out. I literally had a mantra in my head, "I don't want to do this. I can't do this. I'm not a robot." But, what I am, is a responsible citizen. So I will find another job before I quit...

Promises, even if they get broken... 

I really like this little project of showcasing things that I am grateful for. It's a reminder to always look for the good. Today? Porches with tons of character: It was rough at work. I'm looking for a new job with renewed vigor. I've been ostrasized for performing at a badass level and for opening my big mouth and just talking. It's funny because in all of my evaluations I'm always told I should talk more. It's always the quiet ones. It has brought me and my guy friend closer. We are in the same boat.  I finished Shonda's book. It was awesome. I recommend it, very inspiring. I want to read Elisabeth Gilbert's newest book. That's the author that wrote Eat, Love, Pray. I need to wait until I get paid again though. I haven't even started Christmas shopping.  I also am facing a weird area with my exes children. I love them so much. I miss them more than I can even describe. It's such an awkward and a very sad position to be in. I jus...

I took my final on Tuesday, but I had one more art project that was due today. Not a final, but a project. I kind of waited until the last minute. I am so freaking GRATEFUL my semester is over. Nothing else, absolutely NOTHING else to think about for a few weeks regarding school and intellect!! I am extremely proud of myself. I feel extremely accomplished. I feel really great actually. It was a good move. A good move for my future too. Also, bangs? I think that would be a yes. Christmas party? CHECK! I think I'm gonna take a page from Shonda Rhime's memoir and just start saying yes to things and saying yes to saying no. I also go myself into trouble with a, well I wouldn't call her a friend, but someone who I feel bad for their situation. I could have lied and saved myself face. I could have pleaded the fifth. But I told the truth and came clean. I also told her that I was not going to lie for her to anyone else. I refuse to have the kind of relationship with her where...

A lot of things happened today. Was asked to give back my vacation day, again. I said "no". That felt really good. I always say yes or I always say no. But I never say "no" for me. For no other reason. Saw Mr. Graham, the tight end for the Patriots. I was unimpressed but he was nice enough. Made a decision regarding work and got some awesome news about the future of my work as far as paychecks go. Got some results on school and still hanging on the line. Huge relief and huge stress still remains. A friend got some pretty horrible news, sending good thoughts. Sending good thoughts to everyone actually.  A good day. I feel like I also made an accomplishment not giving into thoughts. What am I grateful for visualized today? This nugget right here

Today was a little bizarre for me if I am being honest. I slept amazingly well, I woke up and things were done to the house, I spent a wonderful day with the boys. It's almost as if I was having an out of body experience though. Almost as if I was just watching all of it. My sister pissed me off which is making me second guess everything. Sibling have a knack for that, though, don't they? They know the buttons. They feign the ignorance. They set up arguments that you have no chance of winning. I chose not to play and just walked away. I think today was my brain's way of saving me. Just checking out and reveling in the no stress. I did have moments of wanting to leave. I don't want to run away though. I know that logically I can. It's possible. Anything is possible. Well, not anything. My step dad was asking about my classes today. I told him that I will be lucky to pass chemistry, that it's not looking good. He said, in completely seriousness, "Adrienne, y...

Final final of the semester. I'm kind of petrified. Taking a break from studying because I feel a bit overwhelmed with all of the information. So I am giving Bailey a bath with her medicated shampoo that has to stay on for 12 minutes and getting some thoughts out. I feel as if I'm on the cusp of inspiration for something. A poem, a piece of artwork, something needs to get out of me. Something needs to be created with such potent thoughts. How can you tear someone down and then post a motivational quote about building people up? How can you say that you don't have enough time yet find time for everyone else? The day is so beautiful. I sat in the sun and wished it's rays would shine into the darkest corners. Got some good news about my job today too. Bailey looks adorable with all of her hair wet and a pissy expression on her face. I better go rinse her off and finish my laundry.

I love seeing the sunrise and the sunset. They are beautiful in the winter. I love my boys and how they magically make me feel better just by being them. I have many things to be grateful for. Many things to be thankful for.

This is my horoscope for today: You are in no mood to be challenged today and may react defensively, even if you are not the target of someone's resistance. A lingering issue could push you dangerously close to an emotional meltdown. You can feel the heat rising from the bottom of the volcano and are driven to express your unresolved issues. Nevertheless, it works in your favor if you make your point in a constructive manner. Being sensitive to everyone else's feelings allows you to deliver your message in a way that is well received. A lingering issue --- yeah. One I want to put to bed. One I want to stop thinking about, stop being reminded of. I feel like I have OCD and these thoughts are stuck on repeat in my head like cassette tapes or a song that I loved at first and now it's literally driving me insane. I have every vowel memorized, every response practiced, every possible situation played out, literally a thousand times. I just want it to stop. Reading helps. Hom...

Today was a bit of a rough day as far as work goes, a few pissy people. I'm tired of defending my job 10+ times a day. Don't people watch the news and feel the need for security measures that are just trying to ensure their safety? My boss is also completely unresponsive to my requests and I've been asked to give back a vacation day that I have coming up because they miscalculated the flow.  He said it was "up to me" but I really just need a break, especially after finals. I've had a chronic headache for 3 days straight now. Mostly, right behind my eyes. Getting blessed in the home area, to which I am unimaginably grateful. It does come with a price, but what good things in life don't? A few quotes that I am "feeling": I learned that no matter  how much I care, some people just don't care back And it's not the end of the world. Sensitive people hurt more, but they love more and they dream more ~Augusto Cury For the pe...

A selfish request. I wish that everyone around me could realize that being stressed about something is normal. It's how we deal with that stress that can define a day, a moment, a week. Being angry, taking it out on others, or closing down entirely isn't going to help. I know we all feel like those are great coping skills, but they aren't... in my opinion. They can be toxic and infect those around you. I have many, many reasons to be stressed this week, this month, for the next 2 years. But there comes a point where you just have to let go. Whatever is going to happen will happen, there has to be a loss of the desire to control every situation. So lets all take a deep breath, be grateful for what we have, who we have, and we will all get through this together, just fine.

Kind of feeling like things were set into motion today and it's all going to start snowballing from here. I don't think I'm ready, no one said "go".

I got this from the Huffington Post, I believe. All I can say is wow, after I cried a little bit. "We choose to love people who cannot love us back to teach ourselves that we are, in fact, worthy of being loved back. We choose these people because they represent the parts of us that we don't love - why else would we waste our time on people who don't return our affection? We choose to love these people because they are the only ones with whom we share an intimate connection deep enough that it can awaken and illuminate the darkest corners of ourselves, and they are the only ones who can leave and let us do what we are here to do: resolve and actualize and heal them on our own. It is not the nature of love that people struggle with, but what it is designed to do. Most of our turmoil simply comes from never having been told that love will keep breaking our hearts until they open, and that we will be the ones throwing ourselves in again and again. Our life partners are t...

Sometimes I wonder why we put up with people. And then I remember that we are family and I am a loyal person, to a fault, even when it's not family, but I digress. But even family members can cross lines and I'm about ready to give it back, per se. I am a bit miffed and as much as I have love for her, she can be extremely rude, judgmental, and hateful. This is bad timing as next week is finals. I can rise above this though. We are all adults and I will do whatever I have to do to get my school work done, even if that does hurt feelings. (As I sit here, writing this, not doing school work. That makes me laugh) I feel that pull to just.. do something crazy. I usually get these feelings about 2-4 times a year. Unsettled, antsy, tense, hyper. I need a release.

Classes weren't canceled today, so I went. There were only three of us in my statistics class and one dude showed up 35 minutes late and only sat down because he thought we were getting extra credit (We weren't). I enjoyed having the one on one attention though. It was definitely not something that you experience at the college level and I think she had fun with us too. Chemistry is still worrying me. Like a court date where you are pretty sure what the verdict is going to be but you still hold out hope that the jurors might show mercy. Everything else is okay. Some big changes coming for the new year as far as the house goes and family as well as my job. I can only pray that I am making the right decision. When you find yourself in a position that you don't like, you just have to change things. That's what I'm doing. Hopefully. Bring on food and family. We all have a lot to be thankful for.

I'm still not feeling well. If I am not better tomorrow then I will call and see if I need to switch my antibiotics. Kicking my butt for sure. I need to be better by Thanksgiving. So excited to share it with the boys and family. That's what life is all about, loving and being loved. We got Caiden's haircut for pictures. He did so well! Best haircut he's gotten because the stylists could actually take his time. He even sat all by himself. It was a great day today. Breakfast at Waffle House, first sleep over last night. I didn't sleep well at all but I haven't laughed so much or so hard in a long, long time. I needed that. At one point I had two tiny feet literally poking in-between my ribs and a hot, furry, four-legged friend at the bottom of my side of the bed so I couldn't extend my legs all of the way. I wouldn't have traded it for anything though. Those are the kinds of memories that I cherish. That and watching him dream and smile and laugh in his s...

I don't really have time to write this, I am so far behind on my homework. But I will make the time and thinking that to myself made me realize... Don't ever let anyone tell you that they don't have time for you, or that they are too busy. That is simply a lie. If they wanted to talk to you they would find the time. Even if it's a hello while they are peeing. It takes literally 6 seconds to pull your phone from your pocket and text a one word sentence to someone. If you wanted to be friends with someone and that person wanted friendship as well, then you would be friends. It's a pretty simple concept. One I've learned the hard way. Everyone says love hurts, but that isn't true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. ~ A very good quote!!

Who get's strep throat with no tonsils? I do. Third time since I've had them removed when I was thirteen. It's hit me hard. I thought that I would be farther along in the healing process than I am. It's hit me a bit hard. I really was hoping that I could get tons of school work done with all of the free time. I haven't done anything except foster a headache and lounge. No work, no school work. I think tomorrow will be better. I really hope so. It's like those days as a kid when you were really sick and just fell asleep on the couch watching awful episodes of the price is right.

 I'm circling and I can't get off. I don't have a clue as to why I am doing this. This has to be the most frustrating spiral I have ever found myself in, EVER. The only other person who has made me feel so small has been my father. My biological one. EVER. Just stop thinking about it. I know the more you don't want to think about something the more you think about it. I can do this. Stop.

I woke up in Bali. There are these deep red gossamer curtains that frame the doorway and windows. Everything is open and they dance in the cool breeze. Slowly, back and forth. Their rhythm is hypnotic and I lazily stretch, basking in the glorious sun that throws shadows on my skin. If I was home I would bury my head under the covers and try to chase down another hour of sleep. It's different here in this foreign land. I am excited to wake up, yet I don't rush it. I let my eyes wander from the dancing cloth over the textured walls and my ears start to pick up the birds outside. My eyes close and I take a deep breath. I want to keep this moment forever.

I had a three hour lay over in Miami International before my connection. I would like to say that the people of Miami are awesome and nice, but no one that populates that airport is actually from Miami. And... I don't speak Spanish so I probably missed 80% of what was being said, basically everywhere! I purchased a fish sandwich at the restaurant and read more about the Paris attacks. Said more were imminent. It's a scary time we live in and yet I feel such distance. I hope this trip reconnects me with everything. The world, my fellow humans, space, time. I also purchased a book even though I know that I should be studying my school work. I just need a break. I'm so tired all of the time and I'm frankly tired of being tired. I wake up tired and I go to bed tired. I know joy and happiness and tired. My guy friend at work is back and I feel like a huge hole that was gaping is now filled. It scares me that I let that happen at all. Look at the consequences of letting peop...

I saw the sunset behind the trees in my backyard surrounded by silence. I watched the death toll in Paris climb while I made dinner. I washed the dishes and put the leftovers in the fridge. I drove to the airport in the dark and made sure that I loved completely. I stepped onto the plane and turned off my phone. I reclined my seat and closed my eyes surrounded by the loudest silence you'd ever hear.

Sometimes I think I am too tired to really write anything and on top of that I don't have anything interesting to really say. But writing is all about writing. Maybe it's not important what you write if you're using it as a therapy technique. Maybe the act of writing itself can be helpful. Still trying to finagle next semester. It's proving to be quite a challenge. It's like tetris, I just need all of the blocks to fit. I came home and crashed today. I woke up and it was dark. I had a mini panic attack because I thought I had slept through work the next day. I just hope that I can sleep tonight. Also, I picked up the razor while I was in the shower to shave my legs and thought: "Who am I shaving for? I could go all winter and no one would even care or notice." But I would care. So I shaved for me. I guess it's also like always wearing clean underwear, you just never know...

Life is ever evolving and so am I. I learn new things every day. I fall into old habits and make huge mistakes. But I am enough. Today was a bit dull and a bit rough. It's very hard to learn something you have no interest in. It's very hard to see your family members struggle. I will step in, it's getting close and no one will mess with children. NO ONE. This is my little man helping me make breakfast yesterday. If you could have seen the pure joy on his face when he was actually involved and feeling accomplished. We will be cooking A LOT more!

Talking more to my sister than I have in a very long time. It's not great that something hard has to happen to make her open up with me, but I won't over analyze it. I really like it. Had the boys today. Noah went to the dr. He has to go on a  diet, poor little man. 35 pounds at 1.5 years. He's just solid! I was telling Caiden goodbye and blowing kisses. He responded with (Completely unprompted) "See you soon Ad-wren" I love those boys. Had a cycle of weird inner whatever. I think I'm coming out of it though. I have no idea what I'm going to do about my schedule next semester. Looks like I'm in for 5 days a week no matter how I slice it. I'm going to have to talk to my work too. Frustrated, but I will make it happen. Just like I will somehow pass Chemistry. SOMEHOW I will do it. It's all temporary and I just want to put in the work, reap the benefits and see everyone around me happy. Not too much to ask, right?

I thought that writing would be beneficial. I thought that it was a catharses for me. Many times the consequences outweigh the benefits, and that sucks.

Today was a cluster-fuck. All of the technology was down where I work. Apparently there was a surge or a pulse, who knows. We had to do most everything by hand. Icing on the cake was this party of 47 that were flying back to Jamaica. Little known fact about people from other countries... They like to take very inane american shit with them when they go home. Stuff that you, as someone living here, would never in a million years think to be a commodity. Remote controls? Of course! I need seven. For no electrical appliance that I am taking with me... Peanut butter. Hot Sauce. Jewelry. I guess it goes to show that you will always think the grass is greener. Cool stuff is outside of someone's norm. Migraines and constant bitching rose to a level that I found quite unpleasant by 4:30am, and thats just from my coworkers. Since I just kept my head down and tried to get through the day, I found myself sucked into a whirlpool of 'overthinking'. I need to metaphorically vomit so th...

Today was a good if non-eventful day. Had a little hiccup at work but got it fixed. I did get sideswiped with a test at work today. I just wasn't feeling it. It was Monday morning and my brain was a little fried from chemistry. I passed the test but I definitely wasn't at the top of my game. I didn't really care, but I feel bad for not caring, but that doesn't make me actually care. If you get my drift. Took a short nap, grabbed some lunch for work at the market and came home and started in on homework. I got a lot done and I hope that I won't be overwhelmed this coming week. I am worried about my Chemistry class. I think I'm going to have to meet with my professor next week. Also got a bit of cleaning done, there is ALWAYS something to clean, jeez, in between the breaks I take from the education. Looking forward to no class next Wednesday and the upcoming Holiday! Loving it.

Bad timing.....

I really needed today with the boys. It was so nice to get out of my head and just not be inundated with Chemistry. I did the math, ha ha, and I have A's in all of my classes, even my chem lab. I have 103% in my statistics class which is really a testament to the teacher. Anyone who knows me knows that math is very hard for me... which is why I struggle with Chemistry. I understand the CONCEPT I just don't do well with the APPLICATION. I'm going to pass this class, even if it does take daily pep talks. I'm sure when I go back and read the last few months of entries I will be over myself very quickly. I'm sure the people around me are over it as well. Caiden is starting to understand concepts and form his own opinions. I was making elephant noises today, rather badly, and he was giggling and then out of nowhere says: "Adrienne, you so silly." I loved it. Really looking forward to this weekend. My favorite festival is in town. I'm going to see it no m...

Just finished my Marine Biology class this evening! I had to take 2 chapter tests and then my Final Exam. That's it for the class, it's all over with. A lot of work, but I hope I did okay. Time will tell. A pretty good day today. Going in to work 30 minutes early really makes a difference though. You wouldn't think it, but it does. We will see how it goes tonight with the time change. Didn't go so well this spring since 2:30 didn't exist, literally! I almost got pulled into a little self narcissism this afternoon. Sometimes I feel very alone. I really never expected to be doing all of this by myself, to be at this point in my life and not be in a partnership, relationship, marriage. Then, by the same token, I feel very proud that I've done it by myself, completely. But I was able to pull myself out of it. No wasted emotions over something that I have no control over. I can only choose the roads that I take and the choices that I make. It's all good all th...

Another big chemistry test coming up next week. This semester is flying by and sometimes I don't feel like I am strapped in. I absolutely loved having 3 consecutive days off of work. I dread going back tomorrow, but it must be done. People aren't going to pat themselves down. I had really good intentions to do a lot of school work this evening, but after making dinner, and finishing my laundry, and then vacuuming and paying some bills I've hit a brick wall. I've literally read the same paragraph of chemistry three times and have got nothing. I switched to art and read a paragraph about the Rococo movement and that is a big Ronono for me. So it's a night!!

Well, here it is, my 1,000th post. As a throwback, here is my very first post, ever: Tuesday, June 14, 2005 Shayde I'm watching my cat, Shayde, stalk birds out on my balcony. I like to think he pretends he is some fierce panther out in the jungle hunting prey in the dense foliage. When in reality he is a 3 month old kitten afraid of his shadow. A lot of things has happened in my life. I've reconnected and disconnected with my biological father. I fell in love, fell out of love, fell in love, realized how bad of a person I could be. How much I could hurt other people that I truly cared about. Learned how much I could be hurt. Multiple times. Had my heart ripped out. Moved states, lost multiple animals, started school, graduated, started school again. Lost 50 pounds, gained 50 pounds. Got jobs, lost jobs, quit jobs. Tried things I never knew that I was capable of which I still do to this day... I do things that scare me. I do things that I don't think tha...

A couple of quotes that have gotten my attention lately-> "Stay away from people who make you feel like you're hard to love." "Over thinking ruins you. It ruins the situation. It twists things around. It makes you worry. It just makes everything worse than it actually is." "You text me, I respond in 15 seconds, then apparently you die of excitement because 2 hours later I'm still waiting for a response" "Choose to see the Good" I want to be that kind of friend who doesn't wish they were standing next to you in the pictures that you post, looking so happy. I want to encourage you through hard times and not care that you disappeared during mine. I want to be that kind of friend... but I'm not. Not yet, anyway, but I'm hoping to get there some day.

Only two more away. I feel like I'm on the brink of something. There is a crossroads before me and I know in life that there are many, many, MANY crossroads. But this is one of them. I'm so incredibly sure of it. I think if I take one road than my life will go one way. If I take another, then it will go that way. I wish the people in my life, even though they have no dice in the game... would see this and acknowledge it. Is that selfish? If the roles were reversed and you saw someone so very close to you about to jump off of a metaphorical cliff, would you not just... I mean, just in case. Ya know? This is that opportunity that people would look back on and say, "man if I had known..."

So this is my 997 Blog post. Almost to 1,000. Kind of mind blowing how long that I've kept up with this. I'm more than proud. Some years I was better than others at documenting. I think it's awesome that I've seen it through, considering the many projects that get set down and never picked back up. As many times as I've received negative feedback from this, as much problems that it's caused me... It is entirely mine. My creation and a reflection of who I am at that time. I've stayed true and that's important. Another important thing is honest communication. I'm not about to be that girl who holds negativity inside and lets it fester and show up at inappropriate moments or turn into resentment. Because I have been that girl for a very long time. So here I am telling you that I have a problem, this is the problem, and I am going to fix it or accept it but it just might take me a little bit of time. What other people make of that is up to them. I cert...

I found some deep heat rub in my drawer. It's probably expired, but it's working and can't hurt, right? I took turns carrying two 20+ pound boys on my shoulders for half a mile. We had so much fun today. I love getting to wake them up and being the first one that they see. They are so excited and ready to face the day smiling and giggling and talking non-stop. It's infectious. Got some great photographs and had lunch together, also lots of fun bargaining. "Take a bite and you can give Bailey a bite." Spent 3 hours this morning on chemistry, 1 on statistics this evening and 1 one printing everything and started my art appreciation reading and prepping for the next big project. I'm calling it a night. Tomorrow is going to be another long day. I am killing it on the organization and management of time... for the most part!! I have had those, "Oh shit I'm up at midnight doing homework" But those moments are far and few between. Very proud of my...

Got tattled on right off the bat. It's happened before, this older lady has it out for me. Her riotous conservatism doesn't meld with my hippie liberalism. Oh well, I will work with her like I have been, with a smile and snarky comments. Met with my advisor, can I do 16 credits? I don't know. Check out this problem we did in Chemistry. I just wanted it to someday look back on: A student carries out a reaction and collects a total of 154.4ml of H2 gas at a pressure of 742mmHg and a temperature of 25C. What mass, in mg, H2 did the student collect? PH2=742mmHg - 23.78mmHg= 718mmHg 718mmHg(1atm/760mmHg) = 0.945atm 154.4ml(1L/1000mL) = 0.1544L 25+273 = 298K (0.945atm)(0.1544L)/(0.0821)(298K) = 5.97x10^-3molH2 2(1.0008g) = 2.02 g/mol 5.97x10^-3mol(2.02g/1mol) = 0.0120g 0.0120g(1000mg/1g) = 12.0mg Yeah, that's one problem. Finished two tests today - done for the day. My head hurts and I'm exhausted. 

A break. I like learning. I like having a goal. I like striving for greater things. I love bringing my nephew a pickle and seeing how excited he is for it. I love watching my other nephew throw his in the trash unemotionally. I love giving Bailey an oatmeal bath and crossing another item off of my to-do list. I am giddy that Joey Lauren Adams is on Grey's Anatomy now. I still need a massage. I need a vacation. I need to lose 40 pounds. I need someone to sleep next to. To know that I am loved. But I love my life. I love sleeping and dreaming. I love good grades and making people smile. I love food. I love sleeping with Bailey and feeling unconditionally loved. As I yearn for love, doesn't mean I don't see the abundance of it that I already have. I'm just greedy. :)

Sometimes we are just going along with our day, doing our thing, and a weird feelings hits. Like, something isn't right somewhere. You go to text people... but then you don't want to be 'that' person. Then your imagination creates all kind of scenarios. It's funny how feelings work. I had a good day today. A great WTF moment in my statistics class. These sorority girls sit behind me and their stories are insane. I wear headphones for as long as I can just so I don't have to listen. The teacher was a bit late so I was subjected to this: "Have you read the assigned book yet?" "No, like, I've had so much to do. What's it about?" "Well.... (long pause) ... You know that saying "Your big brother is watching you"? Well this is where that came from!" The sense of pride in this girls voice was insane. "It's, like, called 1964 and this guy is a time traveler, so, like, 1964 is the future. It's pretty dope,...

A good day to have a good day. Slept in but woke up drenched in sweat. That hasn't happened in a while which is surprising considering the nightmares that I've been having. However, the nightmares are more psychologically disturbing and not adrenaline 'loose' kind of disturbing, if you know what I mean. I did get to play in the mud with my boys and make cool grilled cheese fruit snack monsters. (You probably had to be there, which I was) Going over my notes for a test tomorrow, but its all math based, so if I don't have it, I don't have it. I feel like I don't have it, BUT!!!  I have, HAVE, HAVE to get a better grade than the first one!! I think it will all work out. Tomorrow will be a beautiful day to accomplish great things.

"My missions, should I choose to accept it, is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop this incessant worrying that I can't be love as I am." ~ Anais Nin My goals for today were as follows: Don't be a bitch. See the good in every situation. Let go of toxic thoughts. Be open to being loved.

Sometimes it just.....   is

I feel like I am in Survival Mode. It's basically half way through the semester - Wake up - work- sleep - eat - homework - eat - sleep - work - school - sleep. Kind of wreaking havoc on my body. I just keep telling myself that it will all be worth it. No pain no gain.

So we are approaching the half way mark and I am doing everything that I can to keep my head above water. You let one thing slip and you get very far behind in the blink of an eye. There is ALWAYS reading to be done, ALWAYS problems to be working. I'm trying to manage my time and set goals and schedules so that I can have some semblance of a life outside of school and work, but taking full time classes and a full time job, it's an 80 hour work week. I got an excellent grade on a lab and that has put wind in my sails. I was slowing down last night with all of this chemistry stuff. Second guessing myself and such. I have a big test next Wednesday and then one the following week. I think I have another test at work coming up soon.... ish. One really huge benefit is interacting with people outside of my work. Even if they are a bit younger than me, it's nice. It's nice to commiserate about the sorority girls sitting behind us in math class, or having people actually want...

I woke up from a very disturbing nightmare. I won't go into all of the little details, but the main part consisted of me trapped in a tree or a very large bush. The bush was covered in spider webs, but ones that were very thick, like silk worm nests. The more I struggled to get free, the more I got bit by spiders. I finally freed myself and started brushing the spiders off of me, however, every time I would brush one off it would burrow under my skin. I had a sharp pain in my foot and looked down to see it was very swollen. I knew that spiders were filling it up. I looked around and saw a hatchet. I grabbed it and used the blade to gently cut the top of my foot. My skin broke open like a cracked egg and was filled with worms and putrified flesh. No blood. I woke up very angry or grouchy. This frustrated me greatly because I knew it was a choice and I really did not want my day to be a bad one. All morning I tried everything to pull myself out of this awful mood. I haven't been...

I was tested today, I figured. Passed with the tester who doesn't work at our airport asking, "What's wrong with you?" I guess my exhaustion is becoming apparent because I thought that I was having a really good day. Energy wise at least. I've kind of slacked off on Facebook. Haven't been on except to post my own status or check out the informative posts I follow. Taking a break from the 'people' and 'people' at work it feels like. I think I've just taken a step back from everyone. Maybe just their drama because everyone has some! Not me, at work at least. I get it all out here so I don't carry it with me and talk about it. This poem has kind of been lurking in my head since my post yesterday. I think, that post could be taken out of context if read by itself. I'm probably the only one second guessing myself! I am not a victim I am not blameless A part I played I played by heart I hurt ones I loved and was hurt by those ...

I know that I set a goal to be positive, just have something on my mind. I don't know how, considering the incredible amount of things I have going on in school and at work. I was supposed to test today at work, but I think they moved it until tomorrow. Back to my "thoughts"... I've tried for a very long time to wrap my head around silence. Why people can write other people off so easily and other people can not. What makes someone cut off communication from someone they supposedly care about? How is that possible? I've dissected it and theorized. Does this person do it for their own benefit? It makes them feel better? Are they doing it because they no longer have any desire to talk to the other person at all? Are they, possibly, doing it for the other person? This theory makes me the angriest. How would they know what's okay for anyone else?!? I have to believe they do it for themselves. I can accept that better. It's surprising to me how many time...

Floating on cloud 9!! If you know me, you know why, if you don't... why are you reading this? :) With all things, there must be balance, however, this is no different. My family is going through a rough patch and I really wish that I had a magic wand to fix everything for everyone. Really just want everyone to be happy... and healthy. It's a choice, and some people's choices just confuse the hell out of me.

Three paragraphs I've written here. About my day. About my thoughts. All erased. Doesn't feel right. Sometimes I wonder what this will be when or if I ever find myself in a serious relationship. Will this blog be embarrassing? Will I hold my head up as a testament to my true feelings at the time? Will I justify or defend or just say, well.... It's me. Will I hide it for a while or will I share it immediately? Will I stop writing so much because I will have better things to do? Will they judge me for keeping a journal? Will they laugh or think it's endearing? I guess that's who I am in real life too. I just kind of put myself out there. I wear my heart on my sleeve and don't hesitate to say how I feel. To a fault I suppose. A sad revelation with my work friend. It looks like a fork was taken and things will never be how they once were. A pattern.... Early night.

Well it certainly helped to spew the negativity onto a blank page and get it out. Big test tomorrow in statistics and Marine Biology. Sometimes I really get into it and sometimes I just sit and read and reread. The subjects start running together. I read and article to move on from your past, gave some helpful hints and tips. Get creative, clean your house, become your own best friend. Well if that's not helpful I just don't know what is. I have a goal of not posting anything whiney for the next week.

When will I learn my lesson to stop putting myself out there to her? Revealing parts of myself that haven't healed yet just to have the scab yanked off, all over again? I'm getting so tired of listening to myself. I'm tired of the emails about the government shut down, of the silence from friends, of the challenge of tests, of the hardships from family, the bills, the lack of partnership, the blood, for fucks sake all of the blood. I'm taking this moment to call bullshit on it all. Fuck it all. Because I know tomorrow I will take a deep breath and face it. I will do this and I will change my situation. I will deal with the threat of no paycheck and not stress about it, I will smile at my friends and continue to be the person that I am, I will open my notebooks tomorrow and love my family no matter what. I will be the person whom love finds. I will be the person someone finds worthy of investing in because I will feel worthy..... Tomorrow. Just curious? BULLSHIT ...

Being alone surrounded by a hundred people. Looking at studying abroad. Would be nice to go to another country for a while. Would be nice to get out of my head for awhile.

So this day was excellent. Physically, not so much. My stomach was incredibly upset with me for a majority of the day. I got a lot of things accomplished and prepared for the week. Funny thing, Bailey was also not feeling well today. I actually look pregnant (more than I usually do) because I'm so bloated. Did a lot of homework today. A LOT! Still have a lot to do. I have homework every single day with five classes. A pretty huge presentation coming up on the Book of Kells. We have to do these narrated presentations and then post them online. I've already done one and I hate the sound of my voice. It's so high pitched when I hear it played back. I do NOT sound like that in my head. Also loving the Khan Academy, big help lately. First big exam coming up on Monday in Statistics. Feeling a lot better about it than chemistry. Still struggling with night time thoughts.

I think from an outside perspective, it might seem that I am depressed, unhappy, and focused on all of the bad. That is far, far, from the case. I use this forum as a place to vent. I write negative, I write to figure out feelings, I vomit prose and write nonsense sometimes to get it out of me. To make it real. I want it to become visceral so that I can acknowledge it and try to let it go. I am very happy. The happiest I've been in a long time. Not because I am content with my life. Not because I've found the best job, the greatest house, the coolest friends, and the love of my life. I don't have any of those things except a great house :) But I am learning to be content in the moment and that is gigantic. I'm far from perfect and still throw temper tantrums and have horribly bad days. But I see the good in every day and every one. Intellectually. I just don't always acknowledge that I do. On the flip side my downward spiral in disconnection is becoming worrisome....