Frame of Reference

I've been on meds for a while now. It seems like it's been a couple of weeks, but maybe not quite. I think they have helped ... quiet me ... in a sense. I know that my issues can not be solved with pills. I know that I am going to need to solve them myself. However, they do seem to be helping me reach a state to make it possible to think about solving problems, if that makes any sense. I had an amazing week last week. I took two days off of work. Very much needed because I do feel that I am going a bit crazy. I enjoyed every moment of the reprieve, however, when I returned to work I felt that nothing had changed. Lots of thinking. Sometimes too much.

If I don't get a grip... Sometimes things can seem very overwhelming and I have a very strong tendency to think the worst or let myself spiral. It's so odd because I am a very smart person. I'm just not a rational person a lot of the time. Sometimes I laugh at the absurdity of luck or direction or paths. If I chose this, which I believe I did before I was born, to learn things... I had higher expectations then, then I do now. If that makes any sense whatsoever. And then sometimes I think... what if EVERYONE in my life were happy. Were secure and stable enough to deal with the problems without any input from me. Where would I be? Is that something that I depend on? Being able to help? What would I do if I didn't do that? Then I stop thinking because the answer terrifies me. I watched J.J. Abrams Super 8 today. It wasn't a great movie. Great for young adults, for sure, but my favorite part was the line the main character said when he's rescuing the girl and...

I had a WONDERFUL day! It didn't start out that way. My tolerance is zero, which is somehow leading to panic attacks, because I literally am unable to "walk away". which I really need to be medicated for. I've made an appointment for next week. It's a serious issue and I realize that. Came home and saw little man and then got ready for my first "hash". I was nervous and honestly almost chickened out twice. But man o man was it an awesome experience. I can't even compare it to anything except maybe a fraternity. Vulgar, running, trails, drunken songs, hazing, sexual innuendos, chalk drawings of penis and boobs and arrows. Changed articles of clothing mid run, there are beer stops, awkward hug stops. It's a huge sense of belonging that I never knew I was missing. I think we covered a good 5 miles over a couple of hours though. We got lost several times. I am ssooo sore, but it's such a good kind of sore! Such a good good kind.