Frame of Reference

Monday's blow. I'd say they suck, but they don't. blow is worse in my opinion. Sucking is divine. I called the Doctor. Still bleeding. Headaches and weird blood pressure spots might be due to anemia. But don't stop taking the pills. That would be worse. This doesn't seem logical or sensible to me. I'm too tired to care though. Feeble protests. Double lives are best spent when you have absolutely no time for them. 14 hour work days can really cut into the party lifestyle that my personality would lead people to believe that I live. It's back to two. I think I've lost a picture for a client. Maybe I will go with it. Maybe this will be a test. PURPOSEFULLY disappoint somebody. Just to see what it feels like. You should earn everything you feel, right? Or make others feel. I mean, it would be stupid otherwise.

And then there was one. But not really. BC, Wren, and Bay are all looking at me with looks full of reproach. The loneliness set in quickly. I know she will be back in less then a week. Being alone, specifically now, really bites. It almost feels like when the electricity is knocked out during a storm. I suddenly find myself with absolutely nothing to do, wandering from thing to thing, subject to subject. Sleep has left me alone ~ Of all things to dream about, I dream of work. I wake up so frustrated and tired. I can feel the anger and I don't like it. I feel anger at things I create as well.

I'm lying to myself. It's not apathy. It's pain, heartbreak, loss, it's selfish and ugly. I pretend I don't feel anything. What are my coping skills? Where are they? Compartmentalize to a fault. Then there is always that voice that whispers insidiously, "You have no idea what pain is. You have no idea what loss is." I don't. Things could be worse. So much worse. But these are my shoes. Tests start in three weeks. You're wrong.

I'm bleeding too much. I'm used to it being heavy, but this is day seven and its too much. My heart fluttered for close to five minutes yesterday. Palpitations not emotions...or photons. I regard it with apathy or maybe quiet curiosity. Just as I did with the stranger trying to come into my bathroom. Or the doorbell ringing at 1:45 in the morning. Or Bailey being yelled at. Or me being told that I should NOT have children. Or that Holly's child would be real and mine wouldn't. And quite possibly the letting go and being let go. Could be the working so hard and having the last four months erased, with nothing to show for it, except a car that starts now and has four new tires. Could be knowing I feel this way, looking at the sunset through glass, and still being certain that I will get up tomorrow to do it all over again. For what?

Sometimes, a picture just explains everything! This isn't mine. Kudos to the owner!

The day was going to be good even though I woke up at 7 in the morning. I had fallen asleep at 8 the night before, so technically it was enough sleep. I had a great morning. Wake up to Bay snuggles. I made coffee and oatmeal. I took a really hot shower. I took Bailey for a walk around the duck pond and snuggled with my kitten friend of the black variety. Stripes was still sleeping and was in no mood to be petted or acknowledged. I walk out to my car and it wont start. Thus began the snowball into hell. A neighbor tried to jump it for a good 45 minutes. Doesn't work. I call the garage that worked on it a mere 3 weeks ago. Can't get to it. I have it towed to a garage that is recommended. I receive no call back. I am moody, admittedly. I am grouchy. I don't answer texts because I don't want to be a bitch and start a fight with anyone. This was a bad move. Fights ensued anyway. BAD DAY Silver lining? This happened on my day off AND I am ending the day with the sa...

I approach mondays like a toddler that has fallen, badly, and is sitting in complete silence, contemplating whether they want to giggle, scream, or act like nothing happened. Yesterday, I did something that I am not proud of. I lost someone's underwear. I tried very hard to right the wrong, but they ended up being disposed of instead of landing in their rightful owners possession. I feel that today, I have atoned for my sins. A very large, entirely full, bottle of wine jumped off of a table and landed on the top of my foot. My foot saved said bottle from shattering and I wear the proof in the form of a swollen, bruised, lump. Pretty much instant karma if you ask me.

I can't draw. I stare at an empty page for minutes upon minutes, adding up to almost an hour. I've come to realize that I need to be in the right zone mentally in order to produce anything. I can't force it. Or should I force it? I mean, no one likes getting up to go to work, but we still do it. We Make ourselves. I'm in a rut. The holidays are coming up. I don't have time for this.