Frame of Reference

I went to a strangers house this evening for a girl's night. I had a lot of anxiety about it beforehand, but not too much. Just overthinking, analyzing, what happens if they say this, what will I do if this happens, etc. But I went. I had a good time. Played cards and had a glass of wine. Met new people, who actually seemed to like me and I them. Even if my humor and sarcasm was a little out of place and I think I stepped in it twice with my witty responses. BUT!! I thought I was hilarious and not at all inappropriate. The crickets that accompanied said retorts, disagree. Damn the crickets anyway. So here is to friendships that are just that. No other connections even if I tried.

I'm stopping this blog, temporarily. I keep cycling between wallowing and analyzing. I'm perpetuating the cycle in my own drama and frankly I'm annoying the shit out of myself. So I'm going to stop and just live without feeling the desire to write and thereby connect to something or people in general. I'll be back when I have something to say again. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ya2Rl1fiJzw

A most excellent day was had. The weather was beautiful. I was very sick from over drinking. I managed to mow the back yard and get a few groceries. Mostly I just hung out on my back porch and played with the boys. I'm grateful for the view, even in the dark. So strangers have moved into Green Pine, I final closing of that chapter of my life. It feels weird, it feels final. Everything has changed and nothing really has at all. This next chapter is going to be much shorter. I can't wait to start the next one after this!

Escape

Today was an emotional day, either because it was the day the patch came off and my hormones are crazy. Maybe I just couldn't keep my guard up well. I was nervous going into seminar in my Geomorphology class but I kind of slayed it. Me and this other grad student really fed off of each other and gave good debate. We actually had to be told to let the rest of the group speak... to which they had nothing to say. Amateurs, just kidding, kind of. Read an article that made me cry about a woman recovering from a break up. How she would pass their spots, hear their songs, but eventually it didn't hurt so bad. How the only thing she wanted was the opposite of silence. But it never happened. The scabs stopped oozing. The silence negated everything that ever was. It was sad and hopeful in a way that someone recovering from tragedy usually is. I wanted to bring the mementos over with a note about how the reminders kept picking at my scabs.  A box of broken promises and memories that ar...

I have a lot in my head, which is nothing new. My horoscope today said that I shouldn't rely on positive thinking. That I should basically retreat to safe places sometimes and reevaluate plans. If we don't have positive thinking, what do we have? That horoscope sucks balls. I saw a pretty hilarious sign in one of the bathrooms on campus. It was located on a condom machine that was precariously attached to the wall. In big blue bold letters it said that flavored condoms are for oral sex only. Non-flavored condoms should be used for sexual intercourse of varying kinds otherwise females could get a yeast infection. The picture of the flavored condom was a banana being suggestively peeled. The flavor? You guessed it, banana split. It made me chuckle but it also made me kind of.... I don't know, nostalgic for the past I suppose. I'm not prudish by any means but I also don't know how I feel about this in your face advertising. Today I am grateful that sights like this...

Nature's sense of humor. Baby got back. I don't want to do this anymore...

You know, he had the best kind of life from just reading about him. I didn't know him personally and I'm sure that parts of it weren't all that great, but man did he live. And he loved every minute of it. To put out a final album and then die two days later in your sleep surrounded by family... if I could pick a way to go that would be up there. It's awesome that he was able to share his talents, I'm grateful that I was alive to experience it. "I turned the world upside down and I did it all for you." "Your eyes can be so cruel, just as I can be so cruel."

I'm getting tired of the titles. I might have to change that up soon. Seems juvenile and isn't getting anything across except keeping a running tally on entries. Today was rough. I almost talked myself into walking out because, I rationalized, the best motivation to change my situation would be to not have a job. What is making me hesitate? What is making me stay? What am I afraid of more? Books. Much like music, they are the most amazing escape. The vacation that I wish I could afford, the job that I wish that I had, the kick ass attitude that I believe lives inside of me somewhere. I find all of those things in books. I've read a lot this past several months/year. I've had a lot to get my mind away from. In no particular order the books I've read in the past 10 months: From S. M. Reine Death's Hand The Darkest Gate Dark Union From Shannon Mayer Recurve Breakwater From Pippa DaCosta Beyond the Veil Devil May Care Darkest Before Dawn Drowning i...

I am grateful that I have the ability to procure myself a new toothbrush after I find my old one floating in Bailey's water bowl like a bloated corpse. My butt hurts. The medicine isn't helping much. Patience I suppose. I will not be eating a salad for a while, that is for very sure. Minimal reduction of hours, full schedule, busy beaver. I like it though, for the most part. Ever think about the reaction you'd have if you saw them in public? Reaction to people's presence whether they show up on your door step or take you out of the equation... what would you do if you saw them afterwards? The stories and poems never go that far. Inspired?

Food Poisoning -- Grateful I can actually follow whats going on in this. Taking a bite of Chemistry. Never have to drive into Pine Lake Estates again. How things change.

Setting Suns

I've thought a lot today. A lot about why I was dropped so easily. About how I gave up. Did I give up too easily or did I really put in the effort. Because I 99% feel like I tried so hard, I tried my best, I gave everything, but there's that 1% that just... it's all doubt. I've thought a lot about my future. I've talked a lot about my future with people that I care about. I don't think you can look at your future without looking at your past. You can fav all of those quotes about letting go, about "not letting the person who didn't want you keep you from the person that does." about "burning bridges" about just letting go. All of those quotes are fine in general. But everyone is different. Everyone takes............... I'm just going to stop....... Taken down the street from my house. A family member is giving up a lot today too and actually had to fork over a representation of what she is giving up. We took this as a memento.

Got out of school a bit early. Orientation and going over multiple schedules and class expectations. I do have homework and I've taken two quizzes today. I believe, surprisingly, that literature is going to kick my ass. Great professors so far. A far cry from last semester. Fingers crossed it works out a little bit better for me. My brain is bit fried. I'm losing words that I commonly know. Forgive the spelling errors, they are mine alone. I'm excited to be back into it though. I'm excited that I'm doing this. I am very proud of myself and hope it leads to great things. This little, well, gigantic, gem of a tree, resides on campus. I love it. I took it at 7:30 this morning on my way to geomorphology and got the sun right behind the branches that created some pretty cool shadow effects. It was 38 degrees!!

Jitters over tomorrow. 8 am until 9 pm theoretically. A long day. And so it starts. I'm excited. First day of school butterflies. Swing set was procured. Now it's just a matter of putting it together. A little bundle of firewood, maybe some s'mores in the future? If wishes were fishes. An alarm system set for install, list two emergency contacts that you can count on to come to your house in case of an emergency.....   I had absolutely no one to write down. Not one person in my life that I could count on to be there for me in an emergency, in case my house was burning down or I was being held at gunpoint. I embarrassingly just handed the clip board to my mother. At least she has friends here. I'm not saying that to garner pity.. it's just a fact. A sad fact and a testament to my personality, but all the same. I'm proud of my family tonight. Despite illness and tempers and 2 year old woes, my sister and her family are amazing. I love them and wouldn't trade ...

Grateful I have blue eyes. As sensitive as they can be, I do like them. Maybe a little TOO expressive sometimes. I'm almost at the verge of walking out of my job. It's so incredibly high school. A former supervisor came up and whispered, "Don't tell anyone I'm telling you... but someone is unhappy about you going part-time and is going to talk to the managers. Just be on the look out." First of all, what does me having that information accomplish? Stirring the pot if you ask me. Which you didn't, I'm just putting it out there. All I want to do is go to school, get my degree and get a better job. I'm moving forward. No one said it was going to be easy. Getting jitters over school. It's crept up on me. My course load is a bit heavy, but I'm ready for the challenge.... I think.

How many alliterations can I come up with? We shall see... Long day, sore muscles, emotional adjustments and fall outs until the bones are set. Headway is being made and it's only temporary. Eye on the prize. I can't believe school starts on Tuesday. My classes are set for 8am to 9pm on Tuesdays. I tried to fill up on the days that I have off of work. It's either going to be a genius move or entirely stupid. Aren't most things in life? Really great if they work and awful if they don't? Two very bizarre texts... I refuse to go down those rabbit holes and will, instead, live with my curiosity and not seek out satiation. I watched Celine Dion's version of Adele's Hello. I thought it would be amazing, nope! I couldn't even finish it.  Grateful for sanctuary and creating a safe harbor... for everyone except myself, apparently. HA HA.

I'm tired. Work is being overly complicated. I like the nature of this place that I live in. Sometimes. I love my family unconditionally, however, sometimes... they are hard.