Frame of Reference

April has proven, in recent years, to be my most difficult month. This year has proven no different, this month no exception. It is with fingers crossed and positive thoughts that we greet this turning on the page of our calendar. After all, we wish each other only the best

The end of April belongs to these two --

Well that wasn't the smartest decision I've ever made. I got an 87% on my geomorphology final. I should have gotten an A but it's okay with me considering I pulled such a long shift and was very tired. It's surreal putting all of my notebooks and lab notebooks away. School starts in a mere two weeks again but I won't be using the same stuff. I've been going through my external hard drive while I'm at work. A girl can only study for so many hours and with no internet my choices are limited. I've been needing to do it for a while. Pictures hold such a special place in my heart and I've taken MANY! Besides, it's a good thing to keep my mind occupied. I've been thinking about taking up drawing again too in the intermittent time. I am definitely one of those people that need to keep occupied. My thoughts are scary when left with too much empty time. No C, M, or H. Am I better for it? Definitely not. But I hope that they are. It's a comforting...

Yeah, I'd love to work a 16 hour shift from 3pm to 7am and then take a geomorphology final at 8 am...said NO ONE EVER!!! What was I thinking? I was thinking I could be helpful, help a fellow employee out, get on the good side of karma and such. Silly. I'm very nervous about this round of finals for some reason. I don't usually have test anxiety but it's hanging around like a bad hangover.

Getting settled into my new life. Routine. New is the new old. Meeting new people. Interesting. My wall is stronger and my trust is Non-existent. Exploring new music that’s older. Metallica, Kid Rock, Avenge Sevenfold. Making a plan with the knowledge That plans never work out. Kind of found the perfect job For my situation Who’s counting chickens? Who’s playing with jinxes? I won't say that it doesn't suck seeing her It does, but I think the period of  Mourning is over. It's dealing with Reality. And the reality isn't mine. So this is what I have and I will enjoy it while I have it because this?? This is temporary. 1.5 years. That's the lease. So why still look?? Human nature astounds me. Especially hypocritical tendencies. Are you proud of your actions and choices? I am. Great day despite a 12 hour schedule. Backyard bbq and water guns/balloons. 

A giant rift has been torn in the fabric. It physically hurts. Last day of classes. Finals next week. It's hard to believe I made it through my first full year. Just 1.5 more to go. Beautiful days. Discovered the origins of Charlie Murphy. Game, Blouses. So bizarre the way things turn out. I still wonder what happened? What did I do? Rabbit holes of Florida. What would have happened if I had never come here? But I did. Why the hell is EVERYONE 27??

I still feel like I’m fuzzy in the head. Sometimes things happen around me and I feel like I should be more affected but all I can do is feel the weirdness. Honestly, I prefer it this way. I really feel like I’m in the moment though. Like Andy Whitfield, “Be Here Now.” I’m trying not to think about the past or the future. Just take it day by day and you know what? My days turn out pretty good. Even when really shitty things happen, well sometimes you just have to laugh about it. Getting turned onto metal. Who would have thunk it?

I got a letter in the mail today from my doctor It says that the Xulane patches have been linked to depression and suicidal ideations. Go the 21st for re-evaluation. I live in the twilight zone.... Bull Mastiff with nose in my crotch Cards against Humanity A seven year old obsessed with Mine Craft A two year old with obvious signs of abuse Wanting nothing more than to sit by me Co-worker asks "What's scientific about the environment" when I divulged I was studying Environmental Science Sons of Anarchy A mother dating a trucker A sister clinically depressed Who I never see Genius nephews Finals Week Can't get retirement because I'm still employed with the govt??? I'm LOVIN' IT!!!!!! Borrow money, nothing makes you feel like that Bread with cream cheese, chopped onions, and cheese?? Have to unfollow to stop seeing pictures of parties And women getting attention who's seven years younger than me Alanis singing Havoc and STILL you ar...

This is my temporal property and I don't appreciate trespassing The signs are posted You can't satiate your voyueristic tendencies by looking through this peep hole and then pretending I don't exist in the real world That's messed up You're not the person I thought you were and I'm not the person you pretend that I am This viscous hole keeps sucking me back in But I am making progress Even if it's three hand holds forward and sliding back two I might scream at the glacial speed or take a break to catch my breath but I will not stop I'm getting too old for petty narcissism This is the bed that I've made I hate the sheets so I'm sewing a new set The old ones keep me warm but while I'm at it I'm going to build a new bed Free of tear stains, blood stains, love stains and memories It's a testament of character what you hold onto and what you let go how you cling to it and the grace of it...

A page torn from it’s binding I hold in clenched fists Honor requests of silence and separation From myself or everyone It’s not me and I will remain who I am I wrote the words in blood and I meant them “Don’t give up on me” and I won’t, will never years from now you will see me and I will hand over the page that I hold, that I tore out, everything true unconditional I spoke and you scoffed A paradigm of miasma and good times I am me and I will remain who I am But I will learn and change that won’t change me Quick witted and such a good kisser You’ll read the words written on the crumpled paper And I’ll have my happy ending