Frame of Reference

Everything is going along swimmingly and then a trigger. I either bring it upon myself or it is brought upon me. I think I am very mentally exhausted or I am having a break down. Happened twice today. Earlier a huge wave of sadness and just missing this kid. I wanted to drive there and just give him the biggest hug. I made a fool out of myself, of course. Kind of my thing now a days. Just broke down KNOWING, telling myself how ridiculous I was being. Just now happened again and instead of getting all crazy about it and saying things I will regret and not being able to say the right things, I need to type. I need to get this out and be able to look back at it and say, "Wow, look at how far I've come. At least I don't do that any more." A stupid remark about friendship and exes and their friends, just crushed me. I was standing on the shore just fine, admiring the incredible view and got knocked off of my feet by this tidal wave that I didn't even see coming. Now ...

Today was a day of adventure. I rallied the troops, some unwillingly, and convinced them to come with me to check out some scenery at Red Rock Canyon. Map quest said it was only about 30 minutes away from the strip so we rented a car and headed out. We rented a black convertible V.W. An experience I will not forget anytime soon. Thank god the temps stayed in the low 70's.  Afterwards we decided to try our hand at the Grand Canyon which we were told was only about 2.5 hours away. We met with some frustration because navigation doesn't work in the middle of the desert. We crossed the Hoover Dam... which isn't what it looks like in the movies at all. Apparently it's a 'target' so access is limited and heavily patrolled by law enforcement. Can't even really see the dam itself, just a small cross walk in the middle of mountains. But anyway, we got to the grand canyon around sunset and I was SO excited to take pictures. What an amazing time of the day to ge...

Today was more of a low-key day. My fellow travelers didn't wake up until well after 12:00. Two of us went and got breakfast and then hung out by the pool. I did get in and I swam around a little. My allergies are not acclimating as quickly to the elevation or dryness as I would like them too. Bloody snot, dry nose and skin, and intermittent congestion are my daily battles. After pool time everyone decided that they hadn't slept long enough so they took a nap. I felt myself getting restless and got up and went exploring a bit. Got a taco, even had onions on it. Looked at the scenery and just kind of took it all in. It's only in the mid 70s here which is beautiful but is kind of hard to dress for because if you plan to be out after dark you definitely need a light jacket but you don't want to carry one around during the day. It's a rough life, ha ha. The countdown edged closer to Britney and I had to rally the sleeping zombies. You would think I was on a senior cit...

We woke up really early for being on vacation, around 7:30 in the morning. I think it was the excitement of starting a full day. Everyone took far too long to get ready for my taste, but I tried to practice patience. They were dead set on going to the Bellagio and eating at the buffet. The walk from the Mirage to the Bellagio was sensory overload. We passed Caesars Palace and I fell in love with all of the Roman/Greek statues and fountains. We got a drink outside of the Bellagio that was the best drink I've ever had in my life! This guy made everything by hand! The lemonade, the muddled mint leave, smashed pineapple and lemon pieces, etc. It definitely showed in the price but it was worth it. Best drink ever! After eating way too much we went back to recover at our room (i.e. nap!) before the first of two shows. After about 2 hours we were back out onto the strip and heading towards Harrahs. I was a bit skeptical about this show, what do I know about menopause? But the women were ...

Our journey started off with good and bad juju. My classes got cancelled so we were able to leave 5 hours earlier than expected which was awesome because we could find a hotel and get some sleep instead of waking up at 1 in the morning and driving. The bad news was that a huge line of very bad storms were coming our way and we were going to drive right through them. It was not nearly as bad as expected. We didn't even get rain until a few miles outside of New Orleans. Once inside of the city there was about 15-20 minutes of white knuckle driving and going only 30mph on the interstate, which is a surreal thing to do. It was very nerve wracking being away from my sister and nephews and people I cared about in P. We kept in touch every 10 minutes or so and that helped immensely. We made it to the airport the next morning. First time in a cab for me! I liked not having to drive or worry about parking. Felt a little bit like a celebrity. Made it through security and the airport with n...

Things I vow to NEVER do in a relationship/friendship Make them feel small Disappear on them  (which is different from leaving them alone) Tell them they are 'too hard' to love Make them feel so incredibly unworthy of being loved Say they are 'too much' Call them selfish or self-centered Go to bed angry Tell them I don't have to explain anything or myself Say "figure it out yourself" Make them feel stupid for not understanding Be more open Communicate effectively Take their feelings into consideration Will not enable bad behavior Establish boundaries with them and others Never be ashamed of them Never ask them to change or act differently Make my love or feelings or respect evident Be supportive Never compare them to my exes or other friends

I had my hands full this morning, my backpack full of homework I'm trying to get done before my trip and my favorite mug of coffee. He was sitting in the passenger side looking up at the moon. It was so big hanging in the sky. I got in and turned the windshield wipers on, not saying anything. There was a lot of condensation on my windows and I rolled them down so I could pull out of my driveway. The wind tousled his short brown curls. He looked to be about twenty but it was dark. I noticed he had dimples just like mine when he looked over and smiled at me. I wasn't in a very talkative mood, my mind was occupied with texts and frustrations of not being able to communicate clearly. Ironic, right? I think he sensed that. "The moon sure is beautiful this morning," he stated. "Mmmhhmmm," I replied. "I think she knows everything that you're trying to say." He was still staring at the sky. I sighed, "How's my grandma?" I didn't k...

A bittersweet holiday. I am happy seeing everyone going out and having fun today/this evening, even with friends. Kind of sad that I didn't have plans, brings up past valentine's, but there is always next year!! Refuse to fall into the self-pity, I'm single on Valentine's day stuff I see running rampant as well. Be happy for everyone and trudge on, I say. I got a lot of homework done. Trying to work ahead a bit so that I do not fall behind when I leave in a little over a week.

A blinking cursor is sometimes too intimidating of a thing.... I would rather open a vein and bleed out these thoughts That refuse to be put into words, if only they were coherent Releasing of pressure, I learned about it in class but can not remember the formula. It's okay as long as I don't use conjunctions. See what I did there? A fleeting smirk kissed on lips too long set in a straight line. But I don't have enough blood to spare. It keeps running from me, my body is hostile and can't seem to create a safe haven. I thought it would be more viscous like my unwillingness to cope with sickness.  The cursor still blinks even after you type words.

I was making my way to the end of the pier and saw God waiting there for me. Her bare toes were grazing the surface of the frigid waters and her long brown hair was blowing gently in the cool breeze. I ran up next to her and stood for a moment, catching my breath. I sat down heavily, "I just ran" I breathed. "That's evident," she said without looking up from the water. "It's the first time I've ran since my foot surgery." "I know." "It's really annoying when you do that." I said, looking at the water myself "Do What?" "Act all knowing." I replied. "I'm not acting" she said and looked at me with a straight face. I met her gaze and we both smiled before breaking out into loud laughter. "I met with my Chemistry teacher. I sat down and started talking about my test grade and what I could do to improve." I paused and swallowed loudly. "Then I started just crying. I kep...

I quoted a song in my last entry. It's a great song, Freddie mercury and Michael Jackson. It's awesome to read article after article in the news that the entirety of North America (statistically speaking) thinks that what you do for a living is a joke, laughable, and impinging on the rights of citizenship. Yeah, can't wait to wake up and go to work.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92rEVoB3RoU At least there is music.

Thirteen hour days at school aren't something to shake a stick at, whatever that means. My brain is fried and yet I still feel a tugging. I'm not ready to get up yet and do anything, metaphorically speaking. I'm still lying in the grass with my chinked armor by my side. I daydream and that seems safest. No talking seems even safer. Just silence and hooded glances. There is more to life than this....

I'm going to get this out so that it doesn't live inside of me, so that I'm not carrying it around with me. I'm going to set it down and leave it right here. I hope that it dies. I've prayed more in the past year than I have in my entire life. I literally got down on my knees, bowed my head, sat cross-legged, went to church, stared at waves, screamed at the sky... all sorts of praying in all kinds of ways. I prayed over and over and over again that the person that I loved would love me enough to want to be with me. Would remember the promise of forever. I prayed that my phone would beep. I would pray that every weekend she had free, she would choose me. I prayed that she would want to choose me. I prayed a lot for forgiveness. For my past. For making her give up. Every weekend that went by hurt more and it was supposed to start hurting less after awhile. Right? I asked God for understanding. How could someone I love so much not love me back? Not love me enough t...

Well, I bombed my tests. But that's okay. Learning experience and all that. The tumors are benign, just gotta keep an eye on them. Now my feline is .... not acting right. I bought the plane tickets today, it's official. Vegas, here I come! Cheers to going places that you've never been before! I think there is this concept that..... I'm gonna stop right there. There's this song in my head. Rest stop by matchbox twenty. This song has always always stuck with me. I think kind of in every phase that I've gone through, since H and M and C... I think different parts of it mean different things at different times. For some reason the visual of this song is so strong. "Wondering what you were thinking, when it came to mind, that I didn't care".... Where's the line for being responsible and level headed and then saying "why not"? I think people really show themselves for who they truly are after a break up. I'm not just talking ...

I had a stream of consciousness kind of day. By that, I mean, I was present and lucid but it sometimes seems as if things just... stream by. I'm not affected much. This usually happens when I am very tired. I think it's interesting to sum up the information I came across in a similar fashion to how it sounded to me... We need a new coffee machine You need to divide the epochs to get to minutes then you divide that by the total to get the percentage  ~You want me too, don't you?~ ~Every time our horns are locked I'm towel throwing~ Test is on Friday Infiltration is a part of the Hydrologic Subsurface profile Vadose zone along with aeration and capillary fringe One of the screens that filter your wiper fluid It's blocked, we went ahead and fixed that for you You've lost six pounds since November Blood pressure is low, are you tired? Shit, I haven't eaten ~Guilty as charged, you were on my mind~ ~I'll stand by you~ Did you ...

I cut all of my hair off. I feel better. ..... There is a winter rose and it is beautiful. Testing starts this week. I have two big ones. ..... Two lumps on her ribcage now. Not painful. Consult on Wednesday. Ginger flashbacks. Positive thinking. ..... More work