Frame of Reference

I can't stomach going back to work tomorrow. My eye has been twitching for two days. My stomach is cramping. How sucky is it that I am dreaming about serving rather than showing up for a government job?? 2:30 comes too soon. Company is here. Within 10 minutes of arriving she's talking of redoing everything that I am.

i want to insight a fight so i might be hit i want to bleed and fall down with the impact of it all

Today sucked. It was a bad day. I did get Tegan and Sara's new CD in the mail which was retro and fun. They also had a magazine to go with it, a la TEEN BEAT or TIGER BEAT, I can't remember. Very 80's early 90's. do you remember, i searched you out how i climbed your city's walls? do you remember me as devout how i prayed for your cause? I was used to standing in the shadow of a damaged heart Learning all I know now, losing all I did you claim to self restraint, you follow the plan you put the brakes on this But my favorite song? "How come you don't want me?" I'm sore today. More than I was yesterday. I think it might be stress because I also had a major nose bleed. Not all nose bleeds are gushers. This one was. I felt it. A pressure right between my eyes and then an audible popping sound. I thought my sinuses might just be draining. I put my hand up to my nose and my palm filled with blood. The bright red kind, not the dark black kind.  ...

Listening to Tegan and Sara's new album. I'm a little sad they are streaming it before it's released. I think the anticipation of waiting for a record to come out and then having it be that day, having it be a GOOD DAY because you're favorite bands' record came out. Streaming it before is like peeking at a christmas present. Kind of deflates the anticipation balloon. All that aside, I really do love it. Not the broody, self deprecating Tegan and Sara, but what makes this so enjoyable is that you (or I, rather) can really, really tell that they had a good time making it. You can just hear it in their songs, their voices. Recovery is going well. I'm hanging in there at work. Need to be dosed with extra strength Tylenol, but it's going. Not waking up at 2am has really made me realize how much I hate it. How much it messes with me physically and emotionally to have to do that. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. Sucks. Doing a painting for my b...

So I woke up to this when I went to brush my teeth: A black tongue. I had not partaken in wine, nor kool-aid, nor a sucker. Not anything that color. I woke up at 7am to my tongue being black. I freaked and immediately jumped online....after sending my mother a picture of my tongue, screaming in text, why my tongue my be black. Her response? Google it. So google it I did and I very quickly found the answer. Last night I took a pepto bismol chewable tablet. Apparently something in my system or something that I ate had sulfur in it. The bismol reacted and VIOLA -- black tongue. It came off after repeated brushes but it scared me nonetheless. An altercation was had and I had a pretty crappy lunch. I didn't eat. I decided to try and cheer myself up by using a gift card that I got for christmas at starbucks. I pulled up, ordered, and drove to the window. Upon getting my drink I was waved forward and told that my order was taken care of by the lovely lady that was in front of me. I...

I think the furry friends are making sure I am still breathing. No matter where I go there is always a cat right by my head. The bottom picture is 2 of the four incisions. The bottom one is actually my belly button. I was told they weren't going to go in there. But sure enough, it's glued shut and bruised. I wonder if it's going to be permanently disfigured. I hope not. Also gives me the creeps every time I think about a robotic arm going inside of me through my belly button. It's such a sensitive area for me. Overall the gas was the worse. When they inflate your abdomen there is nowhere for the excess air to go. It just has to reabsorb and it's a slow and painful process. I'm not worried at this point, it hasn't even been a week yet, but it's a very weird feeling to not be sure when I have to urinate. I don't feel that sensation I just feel a pressure. I'm not peeing on myself or in the bed, I can still tell but it's not the same...

So it's the day after and I am done with surgery. The day before I couldn't eat any solid food. It was horrendous. I could have done it, but then around 1:30 I had to start antibiotics. They made my stomach so incredibly nauseated and then I started floating. Too much liquids in my stomach. Around 5:00 pm I had to start a bowel cleanse. Where you drink 2 liters of a solution that cleans you out. It didn't work for me. I drank about 4 8oz glasses and then I had to lay down. My head hurt, everything hurt. I sat my alarm for 8pm so I could take the final round of antibiotics but I slept through it. I woke up after midnight. THEN I started to go to the bathroom. But not even that much and I couldn't drink any more solution because I couldn't have any liquids after midnight. I just crossed my fingers. They brought me back around noon and started the IV. I chatted with the doc and I think the positive vibes were flowing. She said it would take about an hour. I woke up 2...

My day started at midnight with cramps. I stuck it out until 8:30 but then I couldn't do it any longer. I had to bail. I feel horrible about it. On one hand I couldn't even stand up straight and I was very pale. On the other, I haven't yet been there a year and here I am leaving early 2 days before I'm taking leave for surgery. I went home and sat in almost boiling water then layed on top of my heating pad before I had to go to the hospital for pre-op. Nothing too exciting except a medical question based interview, a urine sample, and 5 vials of blood. (I really don't think that was wise... considering). I have to say I love this ace bandage sticky thing a lot better than the band-aids. Didn't hurt at all coming off. No bruises.  I listened to Justin Timberlake's new song. Suit and Tie. I'm not a big fan of that style of music, but I'm glad he's making it again. I also listened to Tegan and Sara's new song. I'm a Fool. WOW!! W...

A bit better, although the anxiety is going up. Tomorrow is my pre-op. Blood work, urine samples, the whole nine. I've done this all before. Several times. I'm not sure why I'm so worked up this time. After tomorrow is the fast and cleanse. That'll be fun. Although I feel really stupid when I'm confused by the instructions for the fast. I can have broths, juices and 'CLEAR JELL-O'? But that doesn't make sense because I can have KOOL-AID and grape juice which both have dyes in them. Maybe that means jell-o with nothing in it, like fruit. I either make things much harder than they should be or I am too literal sometimes. Probably both. I think I plan on documenting this bad boy with photographs. We shall see.

The walls are pushed and cave in on the pusher. The days just keep getting worse. I got a new car. Reliable. Yet another night I go to bed feeling... something ... I don't know what. Something to bring tears to my eyes.

Wren has an infection. They were both troopers, though, even if my mom did have someone take her out of and put her back into the car. It got done and she has medicine now. Also prescribed a diet. I'm going to have one pissed off and grouchy kitty on my hands. 5 days and I'm pushing against the walls.

I thought it would be cool to document the week leading up to it. But, alas, nothing very exciting happens in my life. I had a frozen soup dinner tonight. Bertolli lobster bisque. It was pretty bangin'. Could have done without the carrots but the celery was a surprisingly nice touch. The day was shrouded in fog. I loved it. Really adds such a mysterious air to everything. I don't think anyone else liked it. I did though. Very much. It's the little things in life like that. It's the contrast to the sun. People can worship the sunshine and the light but you have to appreciate the opposite as well. It boggles my mind how sometimes that is just completely overlooked. Dance in the rain, look for fairies in the fog, kiss in the snow, bask in the sun, play tag in the dark. Most of nature is worth loving. Sucks that I had to spend most of it indoors actually working. My furball Wren has to go to the vet. I think something is amiss with her nether region. Unfortunately, my mo...

I found out yesterday that I am going to have surgery next week, next Wednesday. This is the robot thing that is going to be delving inside of my stomach. It's called the Da Vinci. The name itself kind of gives me a good feeling about it despite it's spider like appearance. I'm also looking forward to the not working for two weeks part. I'm very tired. I get to keep everything though, except the tumor, of course. That's the only thing being removed. I was, admittedly, worried. My car is being a pain in my ass. I just got my oil changed last week and now I have a leak in the radiator or whatever. It's leaking coolant. Not to mention the nail in my brand new tire. Song of the day -> Shady Love by the Scissor Sisters

A whirlwind week. I have decided to start of the new year, sick. I am very sick. The nosebleeds have started again. I can't breathe. Mostly just symptoms of a sinus infection. I hope this is not a sign of things to come. This is the finished drawing that I did. Christmas gift commission. Colored pencil on brown canson paper. I'm okay with how it turned out. Could always be better.