Frame of Reference

This is when 'we' put the blinders on and trudge through. I have four, yes four, exams this week and that is NOT counting finals next week. I also have a project in GIS due that is worth 20% of my grade. I feel as if I have forgotten everything I've learned this semester over Thanksgiving break. Hopefully it'll all come back to me, it's all coming back to me....... nnnooowwwww. (Celine) Quite a bit of doctors appointments that I am stressing over. Noah being put under is really keeping me up at night, but I know that it has to be done. I can't stand him being in pain. And then there is the constant nagging of... am I doing too much? Should I just let the kid be? But he is excelling beyond anyone's imagination as far as speech therapy is going. Should we do OT? Well, it's just an evaluation, right? His speech therapist said she doesn't see him staying in the program beyond December, he has caught up that quickly. I am beyond proud of that little guy....

Isn't it ironic... Finals 18 credit hours 2 classes at the same time people telling me I'm so stupid zero self-respect second guessing every decision every word every silence I've never felt such a duality in my life One half wants to talk, to explain, to beg, to theorize, and speak, and ramble, to talk The other just stares into space, literal planets and stars.. with their hand over the other's mouth.

Yesterday was a little bit rough. I got home from work around 11:10pm. I don’t remember falling asleep. I was able to put my clean sheets on the bed and that was heavenly. I love clean sheets! My alarm went off at 7:30am and I rolled out of bed. I always smile, at least on the inside, because I get asked how I just ‘wake up’ so easily. I guess I do because I have to. I’ve worked on this GIS lab for 4 days now and I just had this itchy feeling in the back of my head that I needed more time. So I skipped cartography lecture and went straight to lab. THANK GOD I MADE THAT DECISION!!! I was in lab for 3.5 hours. I had to leave that lab by 1pm because I had to go home and change into my uniform to be at work by 2:45. I was sweating and getting so frustrated because the computer would lag and then freeze. I finished the lab, thankfully. Just in time. Now for an 8 hour shift. Rinse and repeat.

I had a professor remind me that writing every day is extremely beneficial. I know this, I just don’t sometimes. Whether it’s a lack of subject matter or the feelings just aren’t there, who knows these things? I am disappointed in the results of the election. Here I am: A female, queer-friendly, environmental science major and our president supports conversion therapy, inequality for male and female pay scales, and thinks that global climate change is a ‘farce’. I do realize that there are a lot of checks and balances in place. I also realize that the senate and house are republican as well. He’s basically surrounded by nothing but ‘yes’ men and he’s proven to be a bully when he doesn’t get his way. Awesome. The work front is getting a bit insane. I worked 50 hours last week, 56 this week. Only one day off during the week. I’m tired. I did make a 100 on an exam and a 97 on another exam. I think I am hyper focusing on school because everything else is a little…. Murky and slimy. Av...

My professors are constantly using semi colons (;) or (i.e.) It drives me crazy. In slides... that's unnecessary. We all know that these thoughts are bullet points. Nothing is continuous. Nothing is continuous... that's a laugh... right? It's like my use of the three dots (...) It's because my thoughts are... spread out, per se. My grandma. Randy Travis. Adoption. Emergencies. Drugs. Money. Bills. Sex. Trades. It's all just another day... But you try to slow it down and explain it. You try to press pause. You try to grab someone by the collar and ask them to just LISTEN!!! But your voice is too quiet. Their volume isn't up enough. Their problems outweigh yours. Such is life.