Frame of Reference

Middle Finger to ---> Back spasms Government shutdown Working for free Bills Medicaid Babies not getting correct insurance Corporations Complaints Corn Tortillas Hair that is too long to wear down and too short to be put up Leave without pay No sick leave No calling in No gas No money Laundry No saying goodnight Bad dreams Weird noises in one's head Panic Attacks Sore feet Getting in trouble at work Angry passengers Angry coworkers Anger Sleep deprivation Dissatisfied family members Lack of creativity Lack of resources Lack of energy His expression says it all.

Work went by pretty fast today. They have minimized the work force because everyone is in training. Things have to get done before Tuesday, apparently. Fox news plays all day in the break room. Congress this, Republicans that, Obama said this, worst case scenario that. Headphones in and Britney is doing it again before Imogen is Sshhhing me and Savage Garden fights with the Shiny Toy Guns. Kiwi bread is delicious and I'm becoming quite the chef. This made me laugh and heaven knows we could all use more of those.

This past Wednesday (yesterday) I submitted three drawings. They weren't new. In my self sabotaging, lazy, unstable way that I have...I was unable to create anything new. So I ransacked my sketchbook and "spruced" up some older drawings. They were juried, judged, and accepted. I feel accomplished and proud. And yet... We didn't hear anything this week about layoffs. Apparently they are going to wait until Monday to see if the entire government will shut down, will enact a stay of execution, or will cancel it all together. All of this politics have honestly made me sick of the whole thing. I was just reminiscing about Jake's. I was cleaning my closet and came across my stash of brightly colored staff shirts. It was a time in my life. A clearly defined one with a beginning and an end. I liked it. I miss it.

You'd think that growing up with three women (four to six if you count our four legged members) I'd be used to the hormones, mood swings, anger, out bursts, vanishing food, and laughing fits. But no, I'm not. I don't think I ever will be at this point. Women are fucking nuts. Myself included. I suppose we have to be. So I was told it's a high possibility that I might lose my job, along with 17 other people, due to government budget cuts and "restructuring". Awesome. I could take this as a sign that the powers that be agree with me in my disgruntlement. They are giving me an out, per se. I, however, don't think they are taking my bank account and bills into consideration. Also, a former employee has committed suicide. I didn't know him very well but I did share the same space on occasion. My drawings are going to be juried on Wednesday. I'd post pictures, but I don't have any, because there are no drawings. I'm stressing myself. I ...

I traveled 4.5 hours north to see Tegan and Sara in Tuscaloosa, Alabama on Monday. I wasn't supposed to be alone, but due to a series of events, I found myself driving solo. I will admit that I was upset and angry and feeling sorry for myself at first. As time went on, the miles ticking away, and the amount of bugs on my windshield increasing, I fell into it. I fell into the rhythm of the trip, of being alone, of being in control. It reminded me of past road trips and it helped me.... center, per se. I jammed to music and gazed into empty buildings with broken glass, ghost towns. I played "speed trap" with local cops and ignorant drivers and tiptoed through questionable bathrooms and scary gas stations. I felt my age when a fellow concert goer was reading Harry Potter and I ran to the front row against the "bar" like a teenager myself. I sang along to ever song and rolled my eyes at the crowds antics. (Really, what makes someone scream, "I love you"??)...

What happens when the naive, romantic, loses faith?

It's simple, just find out who you are. Be good with you. *blink* Isn't that the meaning of life? Aren't we ever changing? How can I be expected to do that?? It's like picking what I want to be when I grow up!! Fuck that. And while I'm on my soap box... It's OK to be immature! In fact, it's fraking encouraged. If you cant let go and be a kid and turn off the adult, then that's a problem. If you can't enjoy the simple things in life, throw a water balloon, fart while someone is saying something serious, laugh at yourself, or play a game with your spouse, then it's not worth it. My pinky and ring finger are still numb and my head feels like it's stuck on a spike. Literally, the back of my head feels like a 2 foot pole is stuck in place of my spine, and it's sharp. Every time I move my right arm I feel a clicking behind my shoulder blade. But sleeping with this guy?? It's a reason to wake up every day. To see his smile and hear ...

I have so many questions. Silence. This seems to be a recurring theme. My right arm, from the elbow down, keeps going numb. Like, it's falling asleep. So am I transferring my anxiety to where it's manifesting itself physically? Why keep at it? I hate being aware of time. Pavlov. What did we do when people weren't sought through electricity? Is this the learning curve. The core? Is this going to make me the person? Nothing comes for free, but what about love? Isn't it freely given and received? Does it exist? Stupid love songs.

Battlestar Galactica  If ever there was an escape...

Someone at work told me that I'm letting a golden opportunity pass me by. Artists are naturally tortured and do their best work when their emotions run wild. I'm not channeling my inner turmoil and the things that I'm feeling into my work (art wise). They suck, and I could either wallow in them or learn from them and turn them into something productive. I think the best I can hope for is to feel them and "try" to make something of them. I made coffee today.... I filled the water, I put a brand new package of coffee in, closed the lid, pressed start, and walked away. Without anything for the coffee to go into. So it went all over the counter and the floor. Lots of fun trying to clean that up at 3 in the morning, trying to be quiet. At least I didn't wake Caiden. He hasn't been sleeping through the night. Everyone thinks he is teething. Who knows. I just know there are too many Chiefs. The most random song floated into my head today. I have no idea what so...

So... Now What?

I have a hole in at least 70% of my bottoms. Jeans, shorts, work pants, you name it... holes. Caiden got his first set of shots yesterday. I held his hands. Rude people on a daily that make you misstep. "How was work?" I'm still breathing. Sometimes 2 hours of nothing but the 10 people you work with and 8 you don't like. The silence and the pacing get to you. The idiosyncrasies and the stupidity, not of passengers, get to you. Look for security and just end up swimming in a pool of fear and anxiety, but you filled it. It's your hose that filled the hole. IT'S SO STUPID A SONG CAN MAKE ME CRY!!! I'm stronger than that. I'm stronger than this. But what if I'm not? And why does no one believe me? Have I been talking Japanese this whole time? Have you only had to go by my actions this entire time? My words mean something. At least to me. Self involved... Lorde Royalty Good or?

I've never been one to suffer with back pain during "that time". This month, I was treated to that fun little experience. Either that or I have a roaring kidney infection, which I highly doubt. It feels as if someone with cleats is grinding my kidney, hip, right butt cheek, into the ground over and over without ever letting up.  In an ironic twist of the fate, I got to see a possible future of mine. I worked with an elderly lady at the gallery today. She never stopped talking. She never stopped talking about her ailments, her surgeries, her hospital stays, her husbands injuries, her neighbors surgeries. I thought, "Oh my god, if I don't stop complaining about myself and giving into my hypochondria ways, that's me in a few years!" .... And then I blog about my pain. Makes me laugh. At least I'm self aware. Bailey has become my permanent bed partner. Sometimes B.C. will get in on the action. I love how most nights I'm aware of where they are wit...

It's a paradox. Knowing that I have security, a retirement, insurance, a decent salary and then getting told every day to "get out while I can", "don't stay here", "people come here to retire". I do see that. I feel it most days. And the so called security is what I've rebelled against for so long. I don't know what to do. There are drawings that need to be done, and I have ideas. I just can't seem to execute. I feel as if my creativity and drive are stuck in this quagmire of emotions that everyone around me, and me, has created. But logically I know that I am in control of my own emotions and happiness. Logically I know a lot of things I shouldn't be doing, but do them anyway. It's crazy, since I've given up job #2, I seem to be a lot more tired than I used to be. I need my emotions and my brain to get along, I need to create a bubble of peace amidst the chaos and negativity and just be positive. Yeah... I'll ju...