Frame of Reference

Two weeks in and going strong. I only know what day it is because I have to write it down all day long. Not sure how long I can keep up this pace, I feel like I'm in a perpetual brain fog. I had to stop doing my homework for a bit because I was just making incredibly stupid mistakes. It's going to be important to have something else going on, as crazy as that sounds. Something to get my mind off of work and school. I'm digging the picture taking right now.

A lot has happened this week. Some things I still haven't really processed, some things are causing me to just put my head down and truck on through. There are things I don't even want to write about because I feel contaminated enough by them and I don't want to keep feeding the source or picking the scab. Suicide is a baffling thing. I went to a friends house and two or so hours after I left the guy I knew killed himself. There was obviously things that were very broken, unbeknownst to me. In a way, in a very selfish way, I'm glad that I didn't know him better. I didn't cry and I don't feel like I am going to. I'm struggling financially but am working on getting that under control. Stupid bills and stupid situations that eat into your budget. Work and school, school and work.

I think it's true what they say... when you stop trying to fix things, things fix themselves. I'm not sure if they really said that, but it sounds like something this mysterious "they" would say. I've enjoyed my two week break more than I can put into words. Went tubing down the river, got an overdose of Vitamin D, played with the boys until we ended up exhausted on the floor, watched movies, went out on the town, hung out with some amazing people... Yeah, bad shit happened too, but why write about that? Pounds keep coming off and I am feeling good.

Some more pictures that I've taken at my place of employment. A perk of the work, to get to watch storms come in. Box cars on the trains that have been 'tagged'. I like taking pictures. How do you have a conversation without actually saying anything... with weight? How can one stupid emoticon be forever changed in your minds eye? So I'm getting everything ready for my fall semester. It feels odd school shopping next to elementary school kids. Maybe I should go to staples instead of Target. Nah, I don't hardly care. Remember when I said this semester was going to kick my ass? Check out the hook while my d.j. revolves it: Weather and Climate Weather and Climate Lab Geographic Systems Information (This is GIS which is digital/satellite technology) GIS Lab Conservation of Nature Cartographic Skills Cartography Lab Goodnight Duckie

I took this picture at work. While I love storms and rain, I am finding myself looking for the sun. Don't we always want what we can't have? So you were right. I shouldn't have pushed for a response. It didn't help. But I was right too. It wasn't cruel intentions. The silence however... I keep coming up with scenarios. Maybe she's with a friend. Maybe she's with her family. Maybe her phone died. Maybe she's scared of the response. Maybe she's scared of her own feelings. Maybe she doesn't know what to say. Maybe you're right, silence is her answer. It takes 5-10 seconds to respond. There are 86,400 seconds in a day. I hope you're wrong in that she's laughing. I hope you're wrong that it's all a game. I am right in not playing the victim this time. I am right not to play the pity me card. You are right to suggest that I delete everything, just like with the other. I am right to stand up for what I believe in. I am ri...

So I passed Chemistry II. I am elated and overjoyed. Technically, I should have passed with a higher grade. There is some grumblings about how the professor offered this extra credit (I did 30 extra homework problems) but then didn't count it towards our final grade because "it wasn't a true testament of our performance." But, I don't care... I mean, I do, but not enough to get all riled up about it. I went out and celebrated last night. I had the best time that I've had since... Started at World of Beer and ended at Fish House. It was kind of cool with the rain, not many people were there. I actually danced until I worked up a sweat. I'm such a horrible, HORRIBLE dancer but I didn't care. I played it safe and had a designated driver, I slept at a friends house, and it was actually a full night that I got out of my head. Of course there was talking but it didn't... anyway, found out even more connections and how small of a word it really is. I...

I like the dichotomy of water birds. They can live in both the sky and the water and neither one really makes sense. They look too big to fly and then well you have feathers. Really amazing creatures. "Why is this so hard?" "Because, honey, you literally gave your entire heart, you stupid thing. You gave it all to someone else and it got broken. You found yourself suddenly looking at a thousand pieces of glitter and you have to pick each piece up individually. You think that even sounds easy? You think half-way through any sane person wouldn't look around at all the pieces left and just start crying because it's just so much?" "Well give me a fucking vacuum!!!" "I wish I could. I wish I could get down on my hands and knees and help you, too. But only you can see the pieces." Kind of a rough day with my thoughts. Staying busy. Wednesday happens to be the day of reckoning. I can honestly say that I am a bundle of nerves a...

Had a river trip today. Very small, a little stressful. Overall didn't let one person ruin it. Got myself a cherry red complexion and lots of vitamin D. *On the river *Taken at the port Facebook keeps reminding me about the anniversary of the Tennessee Trip. Really good times, I only think back on it with love and fondness. And I paid off the loan for it recently, high five to me! Just kind of bittersweet. Which I think is totally understandable. Sometimes I wish I could put it all into words and sometimes I'm glad that I can't. Maybe things just need to be felt in the moment and let go. Not written down to be agonized over or analyzed or even treasured. Reminds me of Tegan and Sara. They explained that it's hard to sing some of their very first songs. They were very emotional and very lyrically heavy and they just aren't in that space anymore. So it's hard for them to connect to those songs and sing them in such a way that fans might expect. After a lo...

Summer days spent at the park. I had a dream that I saw you. I hugged you, you hugged me back, like last time. Then you started crying. I have no idea why. One with nature tomorrow. First Saturday off in a long time. Tubes for three, Alex. Let's get this creativity train moving. Gotta listen to this song-->  Vallis Alps

So, I've been reading a lot of stuff lately. Stuff that says when you break it off with someone...you aren't allowed to contact them. When the person you broke up with tells you that they still love you, you can't check up on them. When the person you broke into a thousand pieces is trying to move on, you shouldn't send them pictures of things that they will never have again. I mean, that's cruel any way you look at it. I've been trying to look at it a thousand different ways but it's still cruel any way I look at it. Today was the last final of the semester. I bombed it. I killed my stats final. Made a 97%. I have been strutting my tail feathers like a peacock let me tell you. But today? Not today. It was a massacre and I, along with 75% of my class was the bloodiest victims. So it is a waiting game. We wait until Wednesday. Pass or fail? Make it or not. Worthy or not. I'm tired of.... being tired. Space of the outer kind.