Frame of Reference

It's not a 'fear of missing something' it's a 'fear of disappearing'. There seems to be a lot of negativity in the air. Crackles and suppresses. Music helps but can be too serious. I don't even miss you. I feel like a sculptor sitting in front of a mound of clay. The clay is my anger, rage, sadness, boredom, (insert descriptive emotion here). I don't know wether to try to make something out of it, (ppsssttt, I'm not a sculptor), throw it all out, or just stare. I know the longer I sit here the harder it's going to get... literally. See what I did there?

An amazing day. One I want to remember. Today was a good day too. We got up with the intention of going to the zoo, however, the weather had other ideas and decided to storm. We thought we would investigate the parks in Alabama, unfortunately it was raining there too... so arcade it was. I got very snippy with a woman as we were leaving. I am normally not so petty, but it just rubbed me wrong. We were leaving and this woman hit her husband and pointed, "I love it. I bet she spent $40 and there they go leaving with a 2 cent plastic toy." I grabbed the boys hands and turned around, "Actually I spent only $10, however, the hour of entertainment these boys got was worth twice that." So weird to think about life, the big picture. How boring and how exciting it can be at the same time. How quickly things change, what I've done to change my own life. How fate has done things, maybe a more powerful being, maybe coincidence. Who knows? Who has come into my life and w...

Between the land and the skies is where I remember you. When I come home from work or even taking the garbage out, the boys get so excited to see me. I love it. I don't take it for granted and I revel in it every single time. However, I'm also dealing with a bit of guilt over it. My sister should be the one getting hugs, or hell, their father should be greeted in such a way. Maybe someday... They are doing well. There is sadness and struggle with understanding. The oldest asked me the other day, "So, mommy never got better, did she?" It's moments that make me catch my breath. I can't be anything but honest, though. The future is exciting and scary all at the same time. I wish that I had words to express how suddenly not being self involved feels. Maybe someday...

Wow, is all I can say. https://youtu.be/hzwTGpiv7Zs "I know that you'll choose where you'll want to be. Choose the heart of gold and not the one for free. Choose the heart of the past belonging not to me." ~ Copper Wimmin

Panama City wasn't what I thought it would be like. Granted, we were on the outskirts near the port, however, it was... just different than what I had in my head. Not the best news from there, we will be back to fix the problems that have developed. Tomorrow is going to be interesting. Contact with the father and another road trip. I am so incredibly anxious and disagreeing with the whole thing but the options are pretty much nil. I hate being put in these positions. Positivity though and not going to bed angry. I am loving that part and grateful for such anchors.

...but you really dodged a bullet. Isn't it funny when you feel like being a masochist and look up things on social media that you have been avoiding for months and sure enough there is shit on there that just... I didn't want to see? So why do we do it? I can honestly stand here, typing on my computer, and know that in the very depths of my soul and heart that I am happy for her, that I want nothing more than happiness for her. That's where I need to leave it too, right here. It doesn't affect me in the slightest, in the least. I am so happy with where my life is right now. It's like a limb that I don't have, nor want, any more. So life... Life suggests that we wake up before the sun tomorrow and head to Panama City. What such adventures await us there? We shall see.

I think it's the first time that I haven't immersed myself in emotions. My sister's death is like a pool that I occasionally walk by. I know it's there all of the time but if I don't see it, then I don't think about it. I'm just trying to focus on the boy's and accepting Matt's absence and what that means for them. I think other aspects of relationships have suffered because of this. It makes me sad but I don't really know what to do about it. It's a very bizarre feeling, but not one that I bathe in either. It's so hot these days that the youngest is basically living in boxers. He has a body temperature like his mother, always, always hot. The oldest is the opposite, always cold, like me. I read that the powers that be are going to bring back The L-Word. That's amazing news and a bit odd seeing as I just started watching it again, sporadically. A bit of attention on my flickr page, specifically my 365 project that I never finished....

I wish I could understand the headspace of people who leave. No word from him, lots of hims, her. I'm not sure the individual even matters after a certain point, it's the act. How do they look at themselves in the mirror? What does it feel like to completely turn away from someone. Do they justify it in their mind by telling themselves it's better for the person that they leave? It's the 'right' thing? The people are better off? They only cause them pain? What do they say to themselves in their head? I wish I could know what it feels like. I wish I could know what a lot of things feel like. Don't get me wrong, leaving is certainly the best option sometimes, but not without a word. Not without a goodbye, not without a reason, not without ... something. I don't want to make up excuses. I don't want to say words that aren't true to make them feel better. But I will, because they never deserved to be walked out on. They ask everyday, so do I, in a ...

Ceiling of a warehouse. It's slightly tilted to the right, drives me crazy. Kind of a pleasing asthetic in my opinion though, the synchronicity. It was a beautiful evening tonight. Reminded me of driveway drinks and good times. They taste different now, the memories. I don't feel myself fighting to have those moments back or to have that life back. I feel like I can just, be happy I had them. Still sad but it doesn't feel like a wistful sad anymore. Great holiday, this past fourth. My sister loved fireworks. So does her oldest son. The two boys are a good balance. Yin and Yang.

The desire to fill blank pages causes an affliction called stress An alarm going off that's echoed against grimy walls Dulled duress No longer empty however always long and hollow halls One girl wrapped up in an archaic flowered dress Not like a gift but like a bandage over open wounds Forced to walk across shifting black sand dunes Her shadow the only other presence in reflection A sight to be seen but it's all beyond detection By you Anyway