Frame of Reference

A little intense and some ups and downs. Exams are about to start in school. I don't feel ready. I feel a bit distracted. Organizing and purging is going well. A lot of trash!! A lot of folders and paperwork and things found that have been missing. We have officially entered the phase of: :Adrienne, I can't find (insert literally anything). :It's in your room buddy. :NO it's not! :Yes it is, I just saw it. Look please :I did look! I can't find it anywhere!!! I walk into their room and it's right in the middle of the floor. *sigh* But I love it.

We are well into the second week almost third. The boys are adapting better than I ever imagined with daycare and babysitters and the musical cars. The questions have lessened quite a bit. The school work for me, on the other hand, has increased substantially. My first exam is this Monday and I am not ready for it. The time I spend not studying is so worth it though. I'm just trying to keep my eye on the ultimate goal. We are on a completely new schedule of bedtime, brushing teeth, and waking up way too early in my opinion. Though I know it's the 'normal' time for toddlers to wake up around 8-9 especially when they go to bed around 9.

Well, I didn't make the 'every day' post thing that I wanted to do. Extenuating circumstances that I didn't plan for kind of happened and now even more of my time is taken. We are just going to roll with it. The times of sadness that such a little heart feels is heartbreaking to my own. Nothing about this has anything to do with me but I can't help but wrap them in love.

We are doing it. As long as you don't look at the whole picture it's okay. You just have to focus on one day, one week... sometimes one moment. But we are doing it. And they are so happy. Aren't questioning as much as I thought but it has only been a couple of days now. Tomorrow starts the wonder week.

It's Friday the 13th and the moon is almost full. I had a good day, if a bit stressful trying to figure out daycare and my school schedule and my work schedule. I can not BELIEVE how expensive child care is. Holy shit and I mean that with a thousand exclamation points. My world is changing. Too much love for me to complain terribly so though.

It was an interesting day... I dunno, everything is up in the air and I feel like I'm just watching the pieces and waiting to see where they fall. I hope it's all for the best. I have a lot of really mean spirited things inside of me that I want to get out but I know that it would hurt more people than it would help for me to write it down. Little boy hair cuts, baths, popcorn throwing. It's all good.

Had a very shitty night. Instead of rehashing all of the anger and disrespect that went on, I will instead... take a deep breath and move on from it. Another long day of school and working until 11pm. I will get used to this, I really will. Someday. I wanted to scratch out the eyes of my Botany professor. He was literally teaching us the structure of a grid. Yeah, the grid you learn in middle school. I'm quoting directly, "This line here, well this is the Y axis. And the horizontal one is the X axis..." Oh baby jesus, I am NOT paying for a middle school education or a bird course. He's kind of perverted and creepy and only makes eye contact with one student, right in front of him. It's awkward for the entire class but I can't imagine being that one in front. Yikes. I had a dream about an email and it was so beyond amazing and just.... a dream. It was just a dream. *sigh*

just... tired

I woke up at 7am to start my day. Went to school until 2:15 and then took off towards work. Work until 11pm. Get up at 6:30 to go back to work and then school at 4pm. I currently have a headache. Tension, dehydration. It's so cold that it's hard for me to drink and everything is drying out. I need to procure myself a humidifier. It's balls waking up with such dry mouth and nose and eyes. I won't even get into my school. I'm overwhelmed as it is just thinking about it.

Bridget Jones' Diary

I got nothing. Last day before entering 'the suck'. I'm tired.

A little bit late with this one. Working overnight shifts really screws up one's day and clock. I can't seem to sleep when I work overnight. I'm exhausted physically but I can only sleep until about 11 or 12. I tried to nap around 6pm but I didn't really fall asleep until 9, about 30 minutes before I had to get up. Of course. School is starting this Monday. I'm nervous, excited, ready, not ready... I dunno. I'm holding off on buying books until I get a feel for if we are going to really use them. It's fucking freezing outside, literally. 28 degrees with 20 mph winds. I'm curled up beside this tiny little heater dreaming about being curled up in my bed.

I'm still battling the stomach bug. I get hungry, I get sick, I get a headache, repeat. Crazy dream about being in a building, a large building. I look outside and it's a beautiful day but I sense something is wrong. Something is coming. Next thing I know a huge wave, a la Poseidon completely smashed us. It caused chaos across the entire globe, odd. We turned into a Zion, complete with frantic coupling and such. Things turned into slow motion and the song from wonder years started playing. I woke up to the lyric "And what would you do... if I sang out of tune... would you get up and walk out on me." The test went well, I think. Get the results on Monday. It was kind of ... eyebrow raising. I was the only one in dress pants. Everyone else was wearing jeans and a t-shirt or hoodies. Hhhmmm. The only red flag is that I will have to go to the academy 3 hours away for 3 weeks and how exactly am I going to go to school during that? That's only if I pass the test and g...

No surprise, I got called into work. I said no. Looks like I will be pulling an all nighter tomorrow though. I'm really nervous about tomorrow. Trying this writing every day thing, if it's not obvious.

I really hope that I haven't taken a huge step backwards. I honestly feel similar to the way that I did before I met Heidi. I got to sleep in, well these days, 9:30 is sleeping in. No phone calls from work, thankfully. They say if you love something, set it free don't keep it tethered to the limbs of a tree even if they are the arms of a Willow and can stretch farther than the eye can see.

It hit me around 8pm last night. My stomach started hurting and I threw up twice. I hate throwing up. I always fight it even though I know I feel better after. This wasn't like that. My head started pounding. I didn't sleep. I got a phone call at 7am calling me into work. It was my day off. I leaned over and threw up in the trash can next to my bed. I kept dreaming about drainage ditches and crawling through them/getting stuck. Another phone call and a text at 8am saying that no one else can come it and the Coast Guard will have to be called if I don't show up. I roll back over, alternately sweating and freezing. I don't care. At 9:20am I consider throwing my phone against the wall, it won't stop vibrating. I tell them I'm sick. They said there is literally no one else. I said I will sit in the chair and throw up all day but I am NOT staying for 12 hours. I didn't get relieved until 10 hours after I got there. I told them it was going to be my last day. I do...

I stepped funny on my ankle today in the rain, at work, doing another 12 hour shift. It didn't hurt at the time but each hour that has gone by has seen the pain increase. I can't help but imagine that I tore something and there is internal bleeding that will form a clot and kill me in my sleep. I keep replaying the "Okay, you're right. Goodbye then." in my head, over and over, ad nauseam. I only said it because I didn't want to fight. But like with everything else, I didn't fix it. I didn't explain.