Frame of Reference

I just got off of work. I'm in the state of beyond tired. I can't even be sarcastic. I have the desire but I lack the brainpower. I gave my notice yesterday. I haven't heard of more dissatisfied people in my entire life. Not because I am going to be absent, but because they are just not happy with their jobs. Maybe me changing things up is just the catalyst for others to realize their positions. Maybe it's like when someone dies and you realize life is short. Makes you think. Either way, It is what it is. I don't know. I almost feel like I am in constant state of tension, but not stress, well kind of, more like nervous energy. Could be lack of sleep. Could be crazy thoughts. Could be, could be, could be. I keep looking for numbers. My life is inundated with them. Inputing numbers, numbers on the clocks, numbers are zero and I want it to be 1, numbers left in a song, numbers left on my gas tank, my speed.

There is a new song, " Waiting Alone" , by Shiny Toy Guns. It's been on repeat. I haven't listened to a song on repeat in a long time. It reminds me of when I first discovered them. Where I was in my life. Things are going to change. The silver ball is moving faster. I suppose it's always scary. I've never been afraid to take chances, though. Never afraid to take off on my own. Never afraid to try.  Something is different. 

I was given a twelve cent tip on a check that was 111.00. I was told that the cook obviously had a hard time reading my handwriting and that I needed to work on that. His steak was medium well instead of burned. I think the worst part was they all got up and left their teenage son, who obviously had no idea what he was being asked to do, give me the money for their check. So not only were they being assholes, they were being cowardly assholes. I've taken a leave of absence.

I never saved anything for the swim back If you're going to pretend like you don't care, don't look up.   but the mirror shows me looking out, bemused, into a blank place that could be anywhere.

I look up at the sky and see all of the stars floating in transcendent glory among the gods that mimic the cosmos on my skin with scars their contributions gazed upon we applaud But I'm not sure of where this story is going the roads are covered and diverge in no pattern that I can discern. Guess its all for showing these random acts of trivial blood letting doesn't matter

I had a very bizarre dream last night. I was in my driveway. It was hot outside and I saw a tiny egg almost the size of a robin's egg. I picked it up and it was broken, hollow. I turned it over to set it back down and yellow yolk started dripping out. I grimaced and then a body started slinking out of the cracked shell. The body was almost boneless, like newborns seem to be. It was a baby duck, and much larger than the actual egg that I was holding. It was covered in yolk and couldn't breath or open it's eyes. I remember thinking, "well shit". I cracked open the now, much larger egg, so that it was more like a bowl. I scooped the baby duck inside of it and carried it to the sink in my kitchen where I gently ran warm water over it and washed it off. I kept telling myself it was probably dead or if not it was going to die very soon. The body was warm and lo and behold it opened it's eyes. Then I thought... "What the hell does a baby duck eat?!?" There...

Still feeling ill. It's always fun to wake up at 3 in the morning, sweating, sick to your stomach, not knowing if you are going to throw up or need to use the bathroom. I highly recommend it, to everyone. I'm setting this up as an excuse for the HORRENDOUS editing. I've had this concept in my head for awhile. It still didn't come out how I planned it, but the concept is there. I'm in a super critical mood.

Some people feel so right about things. But when you feel like you are a thousand percent sure of yourself. That you've made the right decision... there is ALWAYS going to be that tiny measure of.... "wait". I think that wait is a person. I think that person is just waiting for the always right person to turn around.

What is the ultimate betrayal? My feelings at the moment? One's body. It's a completely helpless feeling to be trapped inside of something that is hurting you. Stupid. Funny conversation: Mom: When are you coming home? Me: As soon as I can. I just have to sweep. Why? Do you need something? Mom: Nope. I heard a noise in the living room. All the animals are with me and my door is shut. Heads up and good luck! Me: Oh my god, you're just going to let me walk into something? Mom: Of course not, that's why I'm telling you ahead of time!

I love it when medicine makes you sick. One of the stupid ironies of humanity I suppose. Or maybe it's just the checks and balances of the world. Great cures and strides in health and prolonging life with the pitfalls of side effects and consequences. It's fitting, actually, the more that I think about it. Some more pictures of the great flood of June. The portent to the end of the world. Ha!

Pensacola made the news. We got a little bit of flooding. It was the weirdest thing. Even the meteorologists were flabbergasted and kept saying they "didn't see this coming". I wish I could have gotten better pictures, but there was no way I was going to risk getting any water on my camera. I had to abandon my car on Saturday because I stupidly crossed a section of road that was flooded by a creek that had crested and wasn't about to drive back across it after I had to turn around. I parked it in a neighborhood and asked for rescue. I got it back today, no worse for wear. My poor car. I'm still a bit sick. I think I should be better by now. I got some OTC stuff, on top of my antibiotics. I got a lot of rest this weekend too so maybe tomorrow it will be better. Maybe it's slow. More pictures to follow. Later. I'm tired.

So I had a couple of tornado dreams that were super realistic. There was one where a young woman committed suicide by walking out into the desert and getting sucked up into the so called tornadic funnel. It got me to thinking....  What if these dreams of tornados is just my brains way of logically making sense of aliens? People don't just float into the air, so there must be a scientific, logical explanation that my brain or mind needs to grab onto, to make sense of things. But what if it's not real? What if I'm not afraid of storms? What if that's my own projection? It just got me to thinking. Lately.... The tornados have been forming in cloudless skies.. In my dreams of course.

Turned to Her Eyes stare Like I don't care Sometimes it's even too much of an effort to flip off the world. It's easier to just stare. With your mouth closed. Blink occasionally. Your arms by your side. Shoulders slumped. Just remember, don't see anything. I had a crazy dream. I was elevated. Like flying but I wasn't flying. I was being carried, but not. Like in the movies when a wizard or a witch makes someone float. I was outside and I was going very high. I was pretty calm about it but not at the same time. There was a voice, a presence with me. I remember very clearly this female voice asking, "She won't drop you, will she?" Without hesitation I fix my eyes on the tiny houses below me and nod my head, "Oh without a doubt she would." And then I'm falling. I know I'm not going to stop right before I hit the ground, like in the movies. I'm going to die. I wake up before that happens though.

I hate going to the doctor. It's ironic seeing as I've worked in the medical field most of my life. It's not the medical aspect of it though. It's the people. I know that's a really bitchy and snobbish thing to say. But waiting room people are a different breed. The whole atmosphere is "sick". I'd rather be on a bus, a crowded elevator, an assembly, anywhere would be better. Maybe not a funeral though.... hmmmm. Even then the aura is sadness, not sickness. It makes me feel physically.... sicker than I feel originally. So I have strep. While lying in bed I had a funny feeling at the back of my throat. I went into the bathroom because I could feel something coming up ... or down. It was a huge piece of snot but so fibrous and thick it wouldn't even go down the drain. It looked like a dark green tumor with white tendons and veins running along it's surface. Don't worry, I wanted to take a picture but I didn't. Boundaries and all. America...

For three days I've been fighting allergies, so I thought. I now have blisters on my throat and I am pretty sure I am running a fever. I haven't been sick in a very long time. I've learned as I get older, my ability to tolerate sickness has all but disappeared. I am grouchy, whiny, needy, and basically like a toddler. I want affection and then I want to push it away. I want food and then I take one bite and I'm not hungry. I'm on the verge of tears and my body feels overly sensitive to everything, even air. I am bossy. (more than usual). Oh well. I hope that the NyQuil works a miracle.