Frame of Reference

Does everything happen for a reason? Is it just a little too coincidental that I am struggling with the possibility of never being able to have children. Of wanting a child. Of lamenting my stupid uterus when I get a text, "Your sister is pregnant." I think it's too early to feel anything right now. I think that in this situation only time will tell what is going to happen. The odds are stacked up very high. But still, weird. Even though I may verbalize that it's too early. I'm cycling through a gamut of emotions. Some aren't very pretty. As Kelly Clarkson would say, "It's my dark side." I've visited it a lot lately. My aunt is going to have to have surgery after all.

I saw the doctor for my results. I was already sitting down so she didn't have to ask me to do that. I could tell by the way she kept looking in my chart and flipping pages that it wasn't going to be "nothing". It boils down to - I have a tumor. It's the size of a peach pit.   I I hope it's THIS But we won't know until it's looked at. Since I am having such bad symptoms, surgery is looking like my go to option. If the arteries are 'over' connected to this thing, a hysterectomy is the fall back.  I keep thinking about babies. One baby. My baby. Even if it never happens, or is meant to happen...I don't want that option just taken away. I don't want a part of me taken away.

Never forgive, never forget. I think if you've truly hurt someone, they can tell you that they forgive you. But I don't think that really happens. Maybe it's just some people though. I feel like I am just hardwired differently than most. I'm naive I suppose. I always think people are good. But then again, that's not true either. I think that once I've trusted someone, I'm always going to. Early morning ramblings aren't a great idea. Like ever, ever, ever. Think I'm going to go watch the meteor shower for a minute or two.

I never realized how silent it is when you find yourself alone. On my days off I have the whole house to myself. No one talking. It's nice, to a point. Sometimes at odd moments I realize how quite things really are when no one is interacting. I usually play music all of the time. Sometimes not. Abnormal test results for me. I have to go back on this coming monday and have a chit chat. See what things are going on in my body. I always knew I wasn't normal. He He. New drawings are being started.

Her body decided to heal itself and she was let go. I hate that I'm so far away. I wish that I could visit her. She will have to be monitored closely, but right now, it's a tentative relief. I got to thinking... What is the difference between DISTRUST AND MISTRUST? dis trust  |disˈtrəst| noun the feeling that  someone   or something   cannot  be relied  on mis trust  |misˈtrəst| verb  [  trans.  ] be  suspicious  of; have no confidence  in One's a verb one's a noun I suppose. Lesson of the day.

Blood Shot Eyes

FINALLY, I've finished this piece. Not my best work and I admittedly rushed it at the end. But I'm pleased with it and I'll be glad to say goodbye to it. FOR SURE.

My aunt Cherie is in the hospital. She has perforated colon. Of all the things to have, or the illnesses, I think that is one of the worst. She's in ICU. They are giving her body two days to figure out if its going to heal or not. If it doesn't they are going to remove part of her colon and she's going to be on a bag. My heart hurts for her. I am praying (in my own way) for her. My head is so full. Full of thoughts and stresses and wants and new music. Music that makes me think. I think all of my entries are about thinking though. I need to find a new subject to write about. But then again, they say, "write what you know." I know my head is an endless cavern of boxes and boxes of thoughts. I just get lost sometimes.

You're making it worse When you tell me I had my chance A lot of breaking up. A lot of tears. A lot of thoughts in my head. A lot of driving and not remembering the drive at all. AT ALL.

When I heard you Calling I Covered My Eyes to your Alibis. You're Playing With Fire and the only direction you're falling is Down. In This Moment I'm taking your hand and we are Leaving Tonight. I just Need One Promise... kiss my lips and whisper, Tell me that we are going to take The Long Way Home.

Sometimes words come out before I am ready. Giggles bubble over at the most inopportune times. Memories come unbidden and tears flow despite heavily guarded walls. The nature of the beast. Then sometimes you wake up from that feeling better. Theraputic? Who knows.

No happy endings. Emotions suck ass. I would reach in a pull them out. Like a chord that has been mis-wired. I would cut it out with a scalpel and stitch the resulting opening. I'd hide the scar. A dog died. Kind of affecting me more than one would imagine. I think it's everything else. I think it's a straw.

Nothing like coming home and walking into your room only to suddenly remember that you had decided to wash your sheets today. You are so tired that you stand there for a good two minutes seriously considering just falling onto the bare mattress. But alas, responsibility and adult-hood kick in. They should make a cream for that shit. I don't know why, I don't know why now, but this is really.... speaking to me. Amazing. Who am I? Who am I but the bringer of bad memories. The harbinger of sadness. My whole life I've always thought it was HARBRINGER...not HARBINGER. Harbringer makes more sense to me. Bringing something and all that.

You only look when your sleeve is pulled What about the times when no one is looking at you The times when you are alone in your car driving in the dark and you realize the music isn't playing Maybe it is in your head Or the headlights on the white lines Make their own music And you have heard it this whole time You just haven't been listening Because No one has asked you to