Frame of Reference

Floating on cloud 9!! If you know me, you know why, if you don't... why are you reading this? :) With all things, there must be balance, however, this is no different. My family is going through a rough patch and I really wish that I had a magic wand to fix everything for everyone. Really just want everyone to be happy... and healthy. It's a choice, and some people's choices just confuse the hell out of me.

Three paragraphs I've written here. About my day. About my thoughts. All erased. Doesn't feel right. Sometimes I wonder what this will be when or if I ever find myself in a serious relationship. Will this blog be embarrassing? Will I hold my head up as a testament to my true feelings at the time? Will I justify or defend or just say, well.... It's me. Will I hide it for a while or will I share it immediately? Will I stop writing so much because I will have better things to do? Will they judge me for keeping a journal? Will they laugh or think it's endearing? I guess that's who I am in real life too. I just kind of put myself out there. I wear my heart on my sleeve and don't hesitate to say how I feel. To a fault I suppose. A sad revelation with my work friend. It looks like a fork was taken and things will never be how they once were. A pattern.... Early night.

Well it certainly helped to spew the negativity onto a blank page and get it out. Big test tomorrow in statistics and Marine Biology. Sometimes I really get into it and sometimes I just sit and read and reread. The subjects start running together. I read and article to move on from your past, gave some helpful hints and tips. Get creative, clean your house, become your own best friend. Well if that's not helpful I just don't know what is. I have a goal of not posting anything whiney for the next week.

When will I learn my lesson to stop putting myself out there to her? Revealing parts of myself that haven't healed yet just to have the scab yanked off, all over again? I'm getting so tired of listening to myself. I'm tired of the emails about the government shut down, of the silence from friends, of the challenge of tests, of the hardships from family, the bills, the lack of partnership, the blood, for fucks sake all of the blood. I'm taking this moment to call bullshit on it all. Fuck it all. Because I know tomorrow I will take a deep breath and face it. I will do this and I will change my situation. I will deal with the threat of no paycheck and not stress about it, I will smile at my friends and continue to be the person that I am, I will open my notebooks tomorrow and love my family no matter what. I will be the person whom love finds. I will be the person someone finds worthy of investing in because I will feel worthy..... Tomorrow. Just curious? BULLSHIT ...

Being alone surrounded by a hundred people. Looking at studying abroad. Would be nice to go to another country for a while. Would be nice to get out of my head for awhile.

So this day was excellent. Physically, not so much. My stomach was incredibly upset with me for a majority of the day. I got a lot of things accomplished and prepared for the week. Funny thing, Bailey was also not feeling well today. I actually look pregnant (more than I usually do) because I'm so bloated. Did a lot of homework today. A LOT! Still have a lot to do. I have homework every single day with five classes. A pretty huge presentation coming up on the Book of Kells. We have to do these narrated presentations and then post them online. I've already done one and I hate the sound of my voice. It's so high pitched when I hear it played back. I do NOT sound like that in my head. Also loving the Khan Academy, big help lately. First big exam coming up on Monday in Statistics. Feeling a lot better about it than chemistry. Still struggling with night time thoughts.

I think from an outside perspective, it might seem that I am depressed, unhappy, and focused on all of the bad. That is far, far, from the case. I use this forum as a place to vent. I write negative, I write to figure out feelings, I vomit prose and write nonsense sometimes to get it out of me. To make it real. I want it to become visceral so that I can acknowledge it and try to let it go. I am very happy. The happiest I've been in a long time. Not because I am content with my life. Not because I've found the best job, the greatest house, the coolest friends, and the love of my life. I don't have any of those things except a great house :) But I am learning to be content in the moment and that is gigantic. I'm far from perfect and still throw temper tantrums and have horribly bad days. But I see the good in every day and every one. Intellectually. I just don't always acknowledge that I do. On the flip side my downward spiral in disconnection is becoming worrisome....

I want to stop thinking and feeling. Unless it is school related or concerning my nephews, I am pressing the pause button. A moratorium .  A really good friend of mine at work (who is male, which is significant) has stopped talking to me. Even going as far as switching positions with other people just to avoid being around me. I don't feel that it is justified and I am incredibly sad and bothered. I'm trying to be an adult about it and let him do his thing. Hopefully he comes around ... That's what adults do, right? Wait?  I think it's one of the most vile weapons of human kind, aside from the obvious murder/abuse/etc. I'm talking about close friendships/relationships. When you go silent, that's incredibly cruel. But maybe I'm wrong. I just know how I feel. Not anyone else.  Havoc Alanis Morissette I thought i had handles on this I could soften my guard behind false confidence Just when I found humble pie insipid  Exempt from this blind si...

I keep asking myself, "how do you miss me?" Like an addiction? The destruction? I've been right where you left me. The wall I took down for you? I'm in the process of rebuilding. Today was a rough day at work. I didn't sleep well the night before so I was very tired today. I feel like as soon as I fall asleep, my alarm is going off again. I was called a "Pathetic Human Being" today. It was over something so trivial as shaving cream and I laughed at the time. But I would be lying if I said it didn't effect me. Of course it does. Keep getting reminded of things I can't have/experience. Bitter sweet. Most gorgeous evening, however. Complete with open windows, animals roaming, fresh stuffed salmon and asparagus. Lovely company. I look forward to the day that I can start over building a life with someone.

I had the most AMAZING, awkward, uncomfortable, scary, and realistic dream that I've had in a very long time. This happened during my nap today. I haven't been feeling well and the weird medical thing has reared its head again. But my dream... I was in the airport and the windows were larger than normal and faced the water. There was a storm coming. The sky was black. I saw water spouts, six of them. I got on my radio and warned my fellow employees. They started evacuating everyone, but I was staying and helping everyone get out safely. It came down to me and my supervisor and about 30-50 passengers. The storm was on us and the tornados were already eating the building. We ran to the center and got everyone down and covered. The windows crashed, the walls and roof vanished. I remember the glass cutting deeply into my arms. Suddenly it was over. My boss and I stood up along with only about 5 passengers. I didn't question where everyone else went. The airport was just a pi...

I think a very tragic thing is not being able to get someone that you love to understand where you are coming from, or to understand where they are coming from. The best scenario is to just agree to disagree and move on from there. A sign of maturity is to realize that life is too short, hold no ill will and accept it. I wish very much that I could change the past. But I'm not going to dwell on it any more. I honestly don't have the time or energy. I'm focusing on my future and enjoying the present. Sending the most love to everyone and loving myself.

Today I am just out of words. But these words that I read, kind of touched me in a way. The test today? Not feeling great about it. Trying to just put it out of my mind, it's not like I can change anything at this point. Now to focus on test at work, probably tomorrow. Not caring so much about it but will focus some of my attention on it. Suppose I have to. Fleeting questions that I will leave unasked. Why do you still read this?

Well tomorrow is the day of my first Exam in the hardest subject that I am taking. I've studied, but I am also one of those people that will second guess myself if I study too hard. I don't cram well. I've done everything I can do and I will do my best on the exam. That is all that can happen. Going to step on a miniature soap box, a lego sized box if you will. What does it say about the people who list their accomplishments for the day on social media? I'm not talking about a  blog, because this is personal and it's not meant for the world. I am speaking of Facebook and posting things such as: I finished my laundry, went to the gym, got the oil changed, and made dinner. What kind of response are they expecting? Do they want acknowledgement for living? Do they want a pat on the back for accomplishing daily routines? I don't get it. Are these the type of people that got participation trophies? Like, good job, you woke up today and you did it GREAT! Irks me. Whic...

Today was better than yesterday. I felt rested, but 230 is still too fucking early to wake up in the morning, I don't care what time you go to bed. A very, VERY, attractive young man flirted with me today. I shrugged it off because I just don't trust that guys like or see me in that way. At all, ever. It was very subtle and it didn't really affect me until hours later. I had to pull him to the side and spend about 15 seconds with him and as he was holding out his hands he got this lopsided grin and said, "Well this is the third time I've gotten you." I looked up and into his eyes because I don't really make eye contact with people at work. They want to get on with their lives, we want to get through the day. It's an understood relationship, but he made me look. I saw his smile was genuine and I smiled back, "Oh yeah?" I didn't remember him, I interact with hundreds of people a day. "Yeah, kind of gives me a reason to look forward t...

Yesterday was a very rough day for me. I had a meltdown, there were tears. I let the school homework and subject matter get the best of me. I think it was a combination of feeling incredibly stupid, incredibly exhausted, and incredibly stressed. I am doing everything that is possible in order to study for this exam that I have on Wednesday. So today I took a break from it. I recalibrated my settings and really needed to just refocus myself. I needed to do something that I am actually good at. So, I did yard work today. :) A lot of it. I am physically tired now instead of just drained from work and drained from school. It is a good feeling.  The weather is beautiful and I have my door open. I finished the homework that I struggled with yesterday so I can no focus on just studying and doing problems that don't count but that will help me. I've also discovered the area that I need the most help in and it's not that huge so I am trying to focus on that comforting fact. Here a...

Homework, homework, homework. My life. I didn't get as far with my homework as I thought that I would. I'm going to finish my goal of having it all done tomorrow so I can create study time for Chemistry. My art class actually took so much time today which surprised me. But I am COMPLETELY done with it until Monday. Tomorrow I will be hitting Statistics and Marine Biology. A curveball in my direction? I am getting tested at work next week as well. Just what I need. But I will knock it out, cause it's what I do. Tomorrow is a ... tense... day. If you are traveling, I beg of you, please be nice to everyone!

Today hasn't been much better in the way of having enough energy to write this thing. However, I take pride in making entries and creating a time capsule of my life. After school today I had to ask myself, "What the hell was I thinking?" I have a full time job and I'm doing school full time? I have my first exam one week from today in a subject that I am not confident in at all. My plan is to get everything in my peripheral classes done in the next two days and then focus EVERYTHING that I have on Chemistry. I hope that tonight I have dreams about Greek art because I've been doing math the past two nights in my sleep. Just keep on keeping on and get through it. You have to wake up and keep going. I'm too tired to articulate exactly what I am learning, just let it be known that I am learning a lot (I'm not talking about educational information, this is learning about me and who I am). Who would have thunk that I just have to take a pass on being deep? Did ...

It's all systems go all of the time. Family-ish people came to visit and that was a whirlwind of stress as was Labor day travel at work. Managed to fit in mowing my yard, though. My day off, I woke up at 7. Wtf? Got Bailey's nails trimmed, picked up boys and hustled to the zoo (by myself). Ate at McDonalds, that was fun. Noah's first haircut, also fun... And I'm too tired to finish this post.

I didn't look at her facebook page today, at all. A very tiny inconsequential step, but it feels like a huge, giant leap to me. I feel crazy and I feel too much when it comes to that. A great visit if not a bit stressful. Compressed all into one day is a bit much, especially with two toddlers that are on a wonky sleep schedule. I feel like I'm running on fumes, always running. I need to just sleep for a full day!! I don't see that happening any time soon though.

Did you know that there are gill pouches and a tail on a human fetus? How about remnants of leg bones on a dolphin fetus? All of the above gets absorbed in development yet harkens to the theory of evolution. How about the ancestors of whales are descendants of pigs and hippos? Yes, interesting stuff. It's been a time consuming week. I volunteered for overtime on Friday because I desperately need money. The one 13 hour work day and I forget my music at home. Typical. Every night is homework night, there is always something to do. Visitors should be here in about 30 minutes. Kind of nervous, kind of... I don't know. I will look for positive... I will enjoy seeing the grand babies interact with their grandparents. Sleep is a long lost concept to me but I catch it when it will let me. "If you can love the wrong person that much, imagine how much you can love the right one" ~anonymous. How do YOU show someone that you care?

A rough day physically.

Yesterday was a rough day. Major cramps and dealing with financial aid. I was actually told that if my aid doesn't go through, that I would be kicked out of my classes by the end of the week. Lots of hurdles, lots of praying, we will see. Chemistry continues to kick my ass, but today's lecture was better. Apparently I am much more suited to abstract thinking than literal thinking. I can isolate isotopes and do all sorts of things with atoms and cations and anions. You want me to tell you the volume of water after I've boiled it in a beaker? Forget about it. This was literally a question on my quiz: The equation for photon energy, E, is     E - hc/y Where h = 6.626x10^-34J * s (Planck's constant) and c = 2.99 x 10^8 m/s (the speed of light). What is the wavelength, y, of a photon that has an energy of E = 3.99 x 10^-19 J? Express your answer numerically in meters. This was my face  0_0 This was my face after 20 minutes of thinking about this problem 0_0 ...