Frame of Reference

There is this woman that I know. Not very well or anything... but to an extent. She married another woman who was 'evil' (Although there are two sides to every story). This woman had kids and the one that I know grew attached. They were only married a year and only knew each other 2 months before that. Anyway, she got out of that situation and is filing for divorce... but she's already with someone else. I'm not judging and I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that in the least!! I just want to know how. How do you commit yourself to a person, a relationship, a family... and then just stop? How do you just start 'loving' someone so quickly? How do you look someone in the eye and say "I would have given you everything" and then not even give them the time of day? I want to know how everyone else does these things. How can I??

For a moment I smiled The happiness I felt couldn't be withheld. For a moment I forgot what it was like to be on this constant cliff I call my temporary home Temporary but I've put up posters Don't worry, the unframed kind with thumbtacks in each corner I forgot what it felt like to have tears always at the back of my eyes, to always hurt For a moment For a moment there were no sharp corners no new love for me to trip over no dark phones shadowing my thoughts no empty space for my monster to run free I held my breath and smiled Then laughed, the kind that makes my stomach ache in a good way and my cheeks sore and stiff For a moment I was free of everything and it felt warm, because I'm always cold. Just for a moment. Then I woke up.

I was asked today if I was Jewish, "Because you have that large nose". I was also told that I made a fellow co-worker uncomfortable because of my sexual orientation. First of all, I've never once disclosed it to this man nor have we talked about significant others to each other. In fact, our limited conversations have included the possibility of Bigfoot (which he believes in) and music. I didn't even bring up Tegan and Sara!! I'm not offended, in fact, I'm uncharacteristically blasé about it. I only mention it because it's interesting conversation topics... Conversations that I'm not having.... with anyone. But I am kicking ass in school and taking names. Not really cause I don't remember names well at all. But go team!

The more I let go, the more calm I feel. Crazy days. Saw a couple fighting. They were both walking down the street and one turned around and started walking the other way. Something was said to stop her, but for a moment.... I dunno, I was rooting for her to keep walking. The light turned and I had to leave. I felt instantly sad. Sad that any couple finds such struggles in their relationships. Sat for 3 hours in front of an open gate. Yeah, bad ass right here, I guarded a gate. A lot of struggles lately closer to home. It's hard. Tests next week, already?

I've been at a loss for words lately. Possibly the Biostats or the Chemistry. I'm on twelve pieces of notebook paper and have only completed four problems. Don't get me wrong, I like it though. Never thought I would utter those words about math. It's all the teacher. Otherwise I've been working, 44-48 hours a week. But it's so mind-numbing and I can only do so much homework before my brain starts to melt. I can't let myself think though. It's getting more scary by the day up there. Flip the record. Change the record. I don't know if what I'm doing is even.... I just want to leave people better than I found them. I want to leave this world knowing that I was a good person and I tried. So I read, and I color, and I do homework, and I listen to music, and I go to work, and I go to class, and I play with two of my favorite guys, and I watch movies, and I watch t.v. shows, and I walk, and I take pictures. It's just all a waiting game. ...

I'm in the suck. That's a line from a movie, a decent one. My days are completely full and I only hope that this is all worth it. I believe it to be so. I have to believe it to be so.

I loved that show. I loved the character that got stabbed by the knife that was used to cut her birthday cake. What a way to go. Speaking of Emergency Rooms, I found myself in one last night. Got a shot in my ass and a round of antibiotics that are so strong I'm having a hard time eating. Which hey, pounds off, am I right?! I have an infected cat bite and those are just something you apparently shouldn't 'wait to see if it heals'. Google cat bites. I felt guilty for even being there but with my crazy schedule I can't exactly go to a walk-in clinic. My guilt also dissipated soon after a 66 year old man checked in after me because he had hiccups that wouldn't go away and he couldn't fall asleep. I couldn't make that shit up! I also learned that antibiotics negates the effects of birth control for a full cycle. Who knew?

I never felt worthy of her love, but man did I feel lucky.

Totally spaced going to my Biostats class. Thought it started next week, shit. Finished my budget proposal for researching "sea lice" on Johnson's Beach. Interesting stuff. Downside of knowledge is that the world becomes a scarier place every day. Sea lice have been around for a long time. In the 1900's they called it a sea rash. Even today, many people will vacation here, go home to their corn fields and think that they have some sort of rash or disease from the sand or the water or who knows what. Measles? Kind of looks like it. But the reality is even more disturbing. Sea lice are baby jellyfish, sea anemone's or Portuguese man of war. They are so small you can't see them. They like to get in between your bathing suit and your skin and they sting, just like their mommies and daddies. Kind of makes you not want to get in the water, right? I picked up a really interesting book. It's called Brain on Fire . The brain is a scary thing when it comes to mess...

I was lucky enough to see the fly-over this evening. It was a tribute to the fallen blue angel pilot that died in Nashville. Fat Albert was flying with a single blue angel plane flying on his wing. I never want to be the girl that I was. A lot I want to write. A lot that probably shouldn't be written. Still believe anything is possible. Hang on.

Today is one for the books. I couldn't pay my house payment when it was due. People not being able to contribute. I got my card stolen and $200 taken... that I didn't have. I got my school calling me about late fees and I'm going back and forth with my retirement and my old job. Bills keep coming and phone keeps ringing. You know what? It's gonna be okay. I woke up before sunrise and the guy I'm working with is pissy. They messed up his paycheck. Probably mine too but won't know until tomorrow. He stole his. I get 'talked' to because I documented something that could potentially get someone else in trouble. I was so sick last night. The cramps are getting bad again as is the bleeding. Two weeks now. An hour in the bathroom sweating like I'm doing pushups in the Sahara. It's gonna be okay. I got a text that we have no food and the card that got reloaded today has been lost... again. My attempts at positivity and willingness to help short ...

I was robbed today.

It's just the little things in life. I think happiness is realizing all of the little moments that string themselves together. I see motivational quotes on a daily basis: "If someone wants you, they will make time for you. It's all about priorities." "Stop chasing people who don't want you." "Let go." All kind of silly in the end. You have to change the record in your own head. A quote isn't going to do it. But they are fun and have their place. Time away from social media is definitely beneficial. Change the record.