Frame of Reference

There is a part of "Rules of Attraction" where one of the characters narrates his trip abroad. It's in fast forward and it's clips. Cliff notes on speed and shrooms at the same time. Sometimes, when I look back at my day or the week or the year, that's how it is in my head. Clips. Brief narration. Fast forward or slow motion. But it's all pushed together and it's almost as I'm a casual observer. I think I even add and splice and edit to my liking. Sometimes it's scary what I've made up for my childhood and what's really real. Apparently this isn't an uncommon thing. We are all guilty of taking parts of stories we've heard our parent's tell or friends tell and we add it to our memories. Still... Blue eyes stare back with pupils shrinking growing and shrinking never blinking Golden hair dirtied with browns mismatched and a jaw too tightly clenched with ruby kissed lips Naturally Another deep breath and scream secretly...

So one year apart. Actually 364 days, but still... a bit uncanny, don't you think? I'm tired. Go through the motions of a job. Go to school? Study what? Become this? A thought. Why can't we all do what we love? Because know one would love picking up garbage but it has to be done? Is this what the Romans dealt with at the beginning of civilization? Too much. We should all live on a ranch. Maybe. Not enough room? Enough room in one's heart to reconsider their opinions? Everyone is entitled.

Buffer? Maybe. Not even needed. Good times and great stories. Some I've never heard of. I'm a collector. Of Stories. In the past, not the future. I live in the now, however. Which is very hard for some people. Not in the now. In the when. And beef. No question of where it is.

I'm watching Blue Valentine. I'm listening to Caiden and Noah cry. Holly and matt yell at each other. Reading about Ben Sauer. Then listening about finances and relationships. Ashes and silence. Relationships and lack thereof. Michelle Williams is too good. It's too heavy. All of it. So heavy.

I think I say good morning at least 700 times a day. No exaggeration, no lie. I'm even accounting for my breaks and my downstairs time. So we if do double, at the VERY LEAST I say it 700 times.

It's been a crazy week. I haven't even had the worst of it. Hearts go out and yet still beat within. Happy Birthday. I passed my test with flying colors. Okay, a few colors ran together but still... I passed. I wanted to celebrate. I wished myself good luck and came through all on my own. No big deal. War of the fleas and feline UTI's. Downfall of spring. Sucks easter eggs, or clovers. Trix. The painting is proceeding. I got "talked to" because my cards at the gallery are printed on white paper and not card stock. I raise my brow in disdain at such rules in an ART GALLERY. We are free spirited, not to be held down by such petty rules. Besides, card stock is so antiquated. I should print them on card stock in rainbow colored ink. Rebel with a cause. The aunts get here on friday. I'm reminded of Practical Magic yet with more margaritas, less death, and more crazy. Probably less black but I just looked down and saw I'm wearing black shorts and a black...

My big test is tomorrow. The goliath of tests. I'm just the smaller man with the rock in the sling.

Zillow, Credit Cards, Circumcisions, oh, my! A great idea for a painting lives in my head. Yet, my fear makes my hands tremble at the thought of touching brush to canvas. How to overcome? How to find confidence and faith in silence. Basis of religion. Does anyone really ever hear a response when they pray, or is it faith? Pork chops, Potatoes, and broccoli. Top Chef, here I come! I could use the $10,000. In my dreams. Venice? Not for me but vicariously. Love always is? Or is it? A blistered nose and community service. Or is it letting someone in and having them feel involved? Who's responsibility does it become? Where is the invisible line between love and friendship?

He was born on April 28th, just one day away from being born on Caiden's birthday. I'm glad they weren't born on the same day. I still think a day is too close. In a very funny (albeit, tragic) twist of fate, there was a flood the day after he was born. Lots of destruction here and he almost didn't make it home from the hospital due to washed out roads and closures. (Noah). Also an oddness of the birth, witness the "True Knot" in his umbilical chord. Apparently they are rare and very scary because they could cut off nutrients, blood, wrap around the neck, etc. But sometimes... everything turns out okay. Wren is sick. She goes to the doctor tomorrow. I personally fear that she has been taken over by "Body Snatcher" like aliens. Long probes of unknown origins included. It's stomach turning. Test this week at work. I hate the stress it brings to everyone. It's undue. I need a new job. The suffering ended and that is good. The void le...