Frame of Reference

When all of the answers point to no. When your gut says no, the universe says no... "I love you"... "That's a shame"... I need a tattoo to validate all of this nonsense. I need something I can carry on the outside so I can let go of this on the inside. Lies.

Tonight was incredibly hard. I cleaned a lot of the clothes out and I couldn't block it out. I couldn't block her out. I couldn't block out the fact that we called ourselves the three musketeers. We had some pretty shitty luck but we were ALWAYS there for each other. I remember writing to her while she was incarcerated about my feelings and complicated love. She thought I was being silly but she was on my side. Even if I was wrong. I wrote her all the time. One for all and all for one.... right?

You can't say something and have it be true. You can't just utter the words "I'm over it, I don't care, goodbye, whatever, I'm letting go..." and have them stick. They will for a moment. I've learned I have to keep saying them over and over. I've also learned when you say goodbye you can mean it, but it doesn't take away all of the feelings. It's so surreal sometimes. My sister died. The amount of things she's going to miss is mind boggling. I try to think about the things that she did get to experience though. Having kids, feeling love, being in love... I guess we all digest things differently. There is no right or wrong answer. It's like the edges of a dream that's slightly out of focus. There's a lot of mornings I wish I could just turn over and say "Not today." I suppose that's not possible and it would only be postponing the inevitable shit one must muck through when they lose someone. I honestly do...

It's train tracks and a train reflected in a puddle that's also reflecting the sunrise. I don't think a lot of people 'got it'. Today was a fucking roller coaster. I brought the boys to see their dad against A LOT of people's advice. I just thought it was the right thing to do. Turned out all of the paranoia and fears were for nothing... so far. I mean, words are words. Actions speak. So does the sadness I see and the love. It was a good thing and it meant a lot for all of us.

So, I finished OITNB. I watched the Shack, XXX - Return of Xander something or other, War Machine, Girl Most Likely, Handmaids Tale. I've read two books, Extracted and Queen's Choice. I think I need to get into the real world a bit though. Stop escaping and start getting ready for school at the end of the month. I have evaluation results, pre-k orientation, registration, dental appointments 2.5 hours away.... real world... shit. So why not dip my toes into the pool of creativity?

... you lose some. It's like finally being able to verbalize some of the feelings inside and allowing a bit of vulnerability to peek out only to have it punched in the nose. Did I steal this? Did I do this? A blinking cursor Black phone screen Deleted numbers Stupid choices Expectations Headphones Bruises Kissed knees This Darkness though I feel like a stoic observer watching it consume Maybe it's just how compartmentalizing feels Then what is the anger when I see a picture? Who am I even angry at?

Last night was a rough one, especially with the oldest boy, but I was hurting too. When he hurts, I hurt. I know there will be more nights or even days that will be hard. We just have to stick together.

We told them... Didn't go how I thought, but then how are these things supposed to go? No rules.

Not the greatest of mornings. Got away a bit with the boys. Cramps are not helping me right now. I had the strangest and most vivid dream last night. I dreamed about a baby. I felt like my mom had the baby but I never saw my mom. I was just holding this baby girl. Her eyes were uncanny. HUGE. You could see stars in her eyes... like that owl. Anyway, I walk down some stairs. There was another woman there. Very dark complected, hispanic features. She sees this baby and starts crying, she's so happy and joyful and overwhelmed. You could feel the love. This woman never makes eye contact with me, just with the baby. I almost feel invisible, literally. The baby is watching me the entire time. I vaguely hear the woman say they are going to name her "Marisol". The eyes of the baby shrank to normal size and I woke up.

Sleep doesn't come easy these days. It's almost as if I'm fighting it. Which is stupid because when I'm asleep I'm set free from my mind. Why fight that? Why resist escaping? I haven't had a breakdown since that night. I did lose someone whom I thought was a friend. Kind of a double blow, especially on the night of the service. I'm sure there is a silver lining there though. I already know what it is, I just don't want to give voice to it, or it will be real. I suck at letting go of people. This next chapter is already seemingly daunting. A pile of paperwork a half-inch thick was plopped in front of us. We get to pay $400 for someone to read it and make a decision. It's all so silly to me. First night of work. I got lost in walking and the water. If anyone were to ask me what I was thinking about I couldn't have told them. Nothing? Everything? Every little mean word I said, how she'd crawl into my bed when she was little... every.... sing...

The walls are closing in tonight. I need people the most and it's a night where no one is to be found. So many "I'll be there"'s and "Call me whenever"'s and yet here I sit. On my bed, looking at a closed door. Tonight I need people the most and it's just me. A familiar feeling. I don't know how to ask. I want someone to know that... for tonight, I'm not okay. Don't leave me alone, please. So many questions, second guesses, decisions, people, texts, silences.... and closed doors. Passive aggressive threats and vague rage. I wish someone could just know. Could just feel it and wrap me in a hug and not let go. I am a rock for many but I need one too... tonight. What do you say, anyway?