Frame of Reference

A lot going on. Memorial Weekend at the 'port. Not as many interesting people as I'd thought there would be. More queens than anything else. Can anyone say "attitude"? My baby boy Caiden has been down for almost a week. I simply can't put into words the love that I feel for this little bundle of joy. I also can't explain how my soul cries thinking about the life that he is going back to. The people that he will be surrounded by. I don't want to let him go. I want to hold him and teach him things and watch him when he smiles for the first time. I want to show him the moon and feel as his grip tightens. I want to watch his facial expressions when he tastes something he hates or loves, or when he walks in shoes! I can't hand him back and watch him go away from me. Its such a different kind of pain and sadness than anything that I've every felt before in my life. I can't believe I'm crying typing this. Wow. Who would have thought. Okay B...

Every day people at work ask me what new art I've created. I look dejecteded and ask them when they think I  have time to do this? I went to the gallery to "train" which is completely volunteer but required. I was at the airport from 3:40 to 12:30 at the gallery from 1:30 to 5:15 and then at a gallery meeting from 5:30 to 6:30. The meeting lasted until 8:30 but I had to leave before even a quarter of it was done. I got home, ate dinner, and crashed. I'm supposed to have a tattoo drawing done and a tutu drawing done and I keep telling them that I am a bit overwhelmed right now. They are understanding I think...but that doesn't stop them from asking me EVERY DAY how the drawings are coming along. Well..they aren't. Because i have to sleep. I have to. And my sciatica. Don't get me started. I'll just cry. SSDD

Every year for many years now, I've always made a New Year's resolution to sell a piece of my original artwork. Not a commission. Not something that someone has specifically asked me to draw. But something that I sat down and came up with on my own. Well, I can cross that off of my list now. I sold a painting at the gallery on Friday! I'm still in shock. It seems like everything is just happening so fast. But there are so many things I still need to do and to buy. I'm in a constant state of overwhelming emotions, zombie tiredness. My patience is under the zero mark with my fellow humans, co-workers especially. I know its me. I know logically, it's a lack of sleep, a constant state of anxiety. Constant desire to create more art and not having time to do it. Passengers' bad attitude, boss at job #2 being unhappy, loved ones being unhappy and now training for job #3. Aunt still here and nephew on the way in a week. I have a yearning for a zen sand garden with ...

First Gallery night. A lot of people from my airport job showed up. Meant a lot. That was really special. My mom was there and my aunt Cherie. A great family friend, Millie, was there. Cary, kids, friends from Gulf. A great evening, even if I did have to cut it incredibly short. The love was felt. The night was had. A new addition. A cool photograph of a wall the Madster and I contributed to. fin

Things have been kind of crazy. Crazy good, crazy scary, crazy... apathetic, if that makes sense. I have Gallery Night this friday. I'm really hoping that I have a new painting or two ready for the wall. I don't know though. I just have no time. And now my aunt is here. And layered on that..my sister is going to be here after that. Expectations for myself.. It's just.  I feel... so tired.

Well, this is what I made. I have more ideas in my head, but absolutely no time nor energy to get them done before Sunday. Acrylic and spray paint. I got my wall up. It looks pathetically bare. But it is up and that is more than I had a day ago, a year ago. It's so funny because every time I write my New Year's resolutions, I always write down... "Sell a piece of artwork." I have no expectations of selling anything, but I think it's a huge step in that direction. Like, I'm actually doing something instead of just talking about it. I couldn't have done it without people in my life cheering me on and being supportive. I tend to put myself out there and then at the last second give up.  Thank you Cary for making me sign up and supporting me and pushing me forward. Thanks mom for putting up with my bitchy attitude and sulking moments. Thank you Bailey for being there when I threw my paint brushes and not judging me.  Thank you B.C. for ke...

I had the interview today. I raced from job #1, battled for a parking space 2 blocks away, in the rain, and jogged up to the gallery. The interview went well. Going to be a lot more involvement on my part than I ever expected, but.... I got in. My wall is going up on Sunday and I'll have it for a year at least. Then I was on to job #2. My problem?? I only have 3 paintings and 11 feet of wall space. Fuck! I'm burning my nonexistent candle to produce something..something else for Sunday. The adrenaline and anxiety has made me nauseated. I don't know if I can do this.

Is that a 10th away from Friday the 13th? Tomorrow is the interview for the gallery. "It's informal but expect it to last about an hour." What kind of interview lasts an HOUR?!?! I'm honestly trying really hard not to think about it. I guess I'm trying really hard not to think about anything. Just wake up, go to work, eat, go to work, home, eat, sleep. Bailey did get a bath today. I suppose we both did. It was a small moment of a great time! Sometimes when you are so far into your head, so far into music that it is distracting you from what is going on inside of you...it makes the outside move in slow motion. I wish I could bottle that. Those moments...those moments are sacred. It's the little things that are so important to one person and so trivial to another.