Frame of Reference

Sometimes I feel very confident in who I am. Where I am. What I am doing. Other times I see people or read about people and I am blown away by their seemingly inexhaustible confidence. I don't compare myself to them, but it does make me question my own. Only sometimes. Are we all right where we are supposed to be? I suppose. I mean, philosophically speaking, if we weren't where we are now, we wouldn't be who we are right now. We would be a different person who would be doing the right thing for them right then. The question is moot. It has no wrong answer. Veritable catch 22. But I think we are in charge of our happiness for sure. You can make the money, buy the cars, see the sights, get the education... but then what? I know in the very core of my being that I want to be in love. I'm not talking about knowing what love feels like. I know that feeling. I like that feeling. What I am talking about is being in love all the way!!! Not drowning in someone so completel...

I shouldn't have asked. I value your opinion and what you think matters almost too much to me. That's probably the problem, you see. I come to you, vulnerable and asking what I might be doing wrong. How can I fix this problem that I have? You give me advice which I value yet you cut me down and say I am only giving excuses and that I WANT this problem and then say that it's just not what I want to hear. I guess you're right when I think about it. I don't want to hear you THINK i'm just giving excuses. I don't to hear you THINK I want to be fed some kind of positive new age bullshit. But I will leave it here. I will take advice to heart and apply said words. But I will leave everything else here where I usually do. Go into tomorrow fresh. A piece I thought of as I sat staring out of the window on my break today. I slip under your sheets or mine, it's a twisted mind to create such a vessel for transformation How lying horizontally can transport...

I had a pretty great weekend. Seeing as my weekend is in the middle of the week, per se. Crazy dreams and watching movies. Lunch with Cary and a teenager. The detachment and mumbling brings back memories. I love them though. The people, not the memories. I don't envy the period in time. It's a roller coaster of hard knocks and lessons learned that leaves scars not shown on skin. Also grateful to experience secondhand. A privilege. All the children in my life, is a privilege to experience. Another poem? I maintain my innocence in this court of criminals.  I've broken no laws, only trusts. A crime I pay for in blood as I clutch the shards of my broken heart and watch the red run down my arm. So I sit on the stand and listen to the conviction Being read so often I know it by heart But it's not my conviction of love and intention It's a mirror of the past  A time that moved so incredibly fast But not one I'm connected to Only one tha...

I am changing. I've been told that I say that often. I suppose that is true as well. I think everyone changes, all of the time. Sometimes, you just feel it more than others. I haven't given up on the story. More to come. A poem about Codependency: An Age of Addiction I close this chapter on an age of addiction that I wasn't aware of writing. An affliction that I was  unaware of hiding. If I didn't make myself useful, Than what use was I? A need to be needed left unchecked, unheeded. By standing tall myself, I let no one stand at all. Afraid to let go of you. But not for you, for me. I knew you were going to fall. I knew that you would be okay. It was my own fear that I couldn't see, A windowless hall. We are all our own person and that is all we need to be.

Story of my life it seems. Bad Timing: All started when my cousin and I wanted to run away and get a cool, loft apartment. We were 10: Bad Timing. Joining the air force when my grandmother was diagnosed with a fatal illness: Bad Timing. Many jokes: Bad Timing. Find love, she's not ready. Find love, she's married. Right jobs, wrong time. Right time, wrong jobs!! Buy house, want to travel. Want a baby, body done: Bad timing Experimenting with hallucinogenics, good job: Bad timing Good girl in your 20's: BAD TIMING Being selfish ANYTIME = bad timing