Frame of Reference

I find myself regurgitating the same words and thoughts over and over. In my head, at work, on paper, in text. So then, sometimes, pictures are wonderful replacements. 

I currently can NOT breathe out of my right nostril. I think my right eye is also bulging. I also think one of the grossest feelings is when you go to bed really cold, burrowed under covers and then a couple of hours later, wake up in sweat.. like, literally dripping wet. I learned today that religions where women wear skirts, don't cut their hair, or wear cosmetics.... also don't wear deodorant. Fun fact of the day. I need to have the dog drawing finished by Wednesday. Yikes. I feel like I'm watching the calender for the year to be over, like I watch the clock at work for the day to be over. Hhmmm.

PROCRASTINATOR be thy name. I've only had this picture for the past 3 or 4 maybe even 6 months. I'm just now getting into it. It figures. I don't know if it's too late. I figure I'm going to finish it even still. For my own sake. I have a goal to work on my art this winter. Maybe during my down time of surgery. I find that whenever I have a spare moment it's hard not to stare off into space or escape into music. I'm not saying that art is work, but when it's a commission, it is. I'm just tired. But I like how this is turning out so far. I'm a little bit encouraged I guess. We will see. It could all fall apart by Monday. Speaking of, that'd be the appointment. I am in love with Pink's video for "Try". I don't love the song, it's good, but the video is breathtaking. So well done. I hope it wins an award for something. Makes me want to play with powdered paint very badly and then photograph it. I need to take pictures.

I've been struggling with a lot lately. However, if a someone was observing me, they wouldn't know. They wouldn't know how I deal with things. How I internalize and process. They wouldn't know that I save the tears for my pillow and I wait until the darkness settles in. I think they would be blind to the fact that I've lost weight. Maybe they would chalk up my staring into space for long moments to daydreaming. Maybe I am daydreaming. They'd be clueless to the almost obsessive way that I laugh now or the aggressive moments that I jump into conversations. It's out of character. But I need to belong. I need to or I'm going to drown. I think I could do something a little out of character just to feel something different that what I've been feeling lately. Isn't that a coping skill all it's own? Distraction? It's not running away. It's dealing. "I've spent most of my time catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek fo...

Monday's blow. I'd say they suck, but they don't. blow is worse in my opinion. Sucking is divine. I called the Doctor. Still bleeding. Headaches and weird blood pressure spots might be due to anemia. But don't stop taking the pills. That would be worse. This doesn't seem logical or sensible to me. I'm too tired to care though. Feeble protests. Double lives are best spent when you have absolutely no time for them. 14 hour work days can really cut into the party lifestyle that my personality would lead people to believe that I live. It's back to two. I think I've lost a picture for a client. Maybe I will go with it. Maybe this will be a test. PURPOSEFULLY disappoint somebody. Just to see what it feels like. You should earn everything you feel, right? Or make others feel. I mean, it would be stupid otherwise.

And then there was one. But not really. BC, Wren, and Bay are all looking at me with looks full of reproach. The loneliness set in quickly. I know she will be back in less then a week. Being alone, specifically now, really bites. It almost feels like when the electricity is knocked out during a storm. I suddenly find myself with absolutely nothing to do, wandering from thing to thing, subject to subject. Sleep has left me alone ~ Of all things to dream about, I dream of work. I wake up so frustrated and tired. I can feel the anger and I don't like it. I feel anger at things I create as well.

I'm lying to myself. It's not apathy. It's pain, heartbreak, loss, it's selfish and ugly. I pretend I don't feel anything. What are my coping skills? Where are they? Compartmentalize to a fault. Then there is always that voice that whispers insidiously, "You have no idea what pain is. You have no idea what loss is." I don't. Things could be worse. So much worse. But these are my shoes. Tests start in three weeks. You're wrong.

I'm bleeding too much. I'm used to it being heavy, but this is day seven and its too much. My heart fluttered for close to five minutes yesterday. Palpitations not emotions...or photons. I regard it with apathy or maybe quiet curiosity. Just as I did with the stranger trying to come into my bathroom. Or the doorbell ringing at 1:45 in the morning. Or Bailey being yelled at. Or me being told that I should NOT have children. Or that Holly's child would be real and mine wouldn't. And quite possibly the letting go and being let go. Could be the working so hard and having the last four months erased, with nothing to show for it, except a car that starts now and has four new tires. Could be knowing I feel this way, looking at the sunset through glass, and still being certain that I will get up tomorrow to do it all over again. For what?

Sometimes, a picture just explains everything! This isn't mine. Kudos to the owner!

The day was going to be good even though I woke up at 7 in the morning. I had fallen asleep at 8 the night before, so technically it was enough sleep. I had a great morning. Wake up to Bay snuggles. I made coffee and oatmeal. I took a really hot shower. I took Bailey for a walk around the duck pond and snuggled with my kitten friend of the black variety. Stripes was still sleeping and was in no mood to be petted or acknowledged. I walk out to my car and it wont start. Thus began the snowball into hell. A neighbor tried to jump it for a good 45 minutes. Doesn't work. I call the garage that worked on it a mere 3 weeks ago. Can't get to it. I have it towed to a garage that is recommended. I receive no call back. I am moody, admittedly. I am grouchy. I don't answer texts because I don't want to be a bitch and start a fight with anyone. This was a bad move. Fights ensued anyway. BAD DAY Silver lining? This happened on my day off AND I am ending the day with the sa...

I approach mondays like a toddler that has fallen, badly, and is sitting in complete silence, contemplating whether they want to giggle, scream, or act like nothing happened. Yesterday, I did something that I am not proud of. I lost someone's underwear. I tried very hard to right the wrong, but they ended up being disposed of instead of landing in their rightful owners possession. I feel that today, I have atoned for my sins. A very large, entirely full, bottle of wine jumped off of a table and landed on the top of my foot. My foot saved said bottle from shattering and I wear the proof in the form of a swollen, bruised, lump. Pretty much instant karma if you ask me.

I can't draw. I stare at an empty page for minutes upon minutes, adding up to almost an hour. I've come to realize that I need to be in the right zone mentally in order to produce anything. I can't force it. Or should I force it? I mean, no one likes getting up to go to work, but we still do it. We Make ourselves. I'm in a rut. The holidays are coming up. I don't have time for this.

Does everything happen for a reason? Is it just a little too coincidental that I am struggling with the possibility of never being able to have children. Of wanting a child. Of lamenting my stupid uterus when I get a text, "Your sister is pregnant." I think it's too early to feel anything right now. I think that in this situation only time will tell what is going to happen. The odds are stacked up very high. But still, weird. Even though I may verbalize that it's too early. I'm cycling through a gamut of emotions. Some aren't very pretty. As Kelly Clarkson would say, "It's my dark side." I've visited it a lot lately. My aunt is going to have to have surgery after all.

I saw the doctor for my results. I was already sitting down so she didn't have to ask me to do that. I could tell by the way she kept looking in my chart and flipping pages that it wasn't going to be "nothing". It boils down to - I have a tumor. It's the size of a peach pit.   I I hope it's THIS But we won't know until it's looked at. Since I am having such bad symptoms, surgery is looking like my go to option. If the arteries are 'over' connected to this thing, a hysterectomy is the fall back.  I keep thinking about babies. One baby. My baby. Even if it never happens, or is meant to happen...I don't want that option just taken away. I don't want a part of me taken away.

Never forgive, never forget. I think if you've truly hurt someone, they can tell you that they forgive you. But I don't think that really happens. Maybe it's just some people though. I feel like I am just hardwired differently than most. I'm naive I suppose. I always think people are good. But then again, that's not true either. I think that once I've trusted someone, I'm always going to. Early morning ramblings aren't a great idea. Like ever, ever, ever. Think I'm going to go watch the meteor shower for a minute or two.

I never realized how silent it is when you find yourself alone. On my days off I have the whole house to myself. No one talking. It's nice, to a point. Sometimes at odd moments I realize how quite things really are when no one is interacting. I usually play music all of the time. Sometimes not. Abnormal test results for me. I have to go back on this coming monday and have a chit chat. See what things are going on in my body. I always knew I wasn't normal. He He. New drawings are being started.

Her body decided to heal itself and she was let go. I hate that I'm so far away. I wish that I could visit her. She will have to be monitored closely, but right now, it's a tentative relief. I got to thinking... What is the difference between DISTRUST AND MISTRUST? dis trust  |disˈtrəst| noun the feeling that  someone   or something   cannot  be relied  on mis trust  |misˈtrəst| verb  [  trans.  ] be  suspicious  of; have no confidence  in One's a verb one's a noun I suppose. Lesson of the day.

Blood Shot Eyes

FINALLY, I've finished this piece. Not my best work and I admittedly rushed it at the end. But I'm pleased with it and I'll be glad to say goodbye to it. FOR SURE.

My aunt Cherie is in the hospital. She has perforated colon. Of all the things to have, or the illnesses, I think that is one of the worst. She's in ICU. They are giving her body two days to figure out if its going to heal or not. If it doesn't they are going to remove part of her colon and she's going to be on a bag. My heart hurts for her. I am praying (in my own way) for her. My head is so full. Full of thoughts and stresses and wants and new music. Music that makes me think. I think all of my entries are about thinking though. I need to find a new subject to write about. But then again, they say, "write what you know." I know my head is an endless cavern of boxes and boxes of thoughts. I just get lost sometimes.

You're making it worse When you tell me I had my chance A lot of breaking up. A lot of tears. A lot of thoughts in my head. A lot of driving and not remembering the drive at all. AT ALL.

When I heard you Calling I Covered My Eyes to your Alibis. You're Playing With Fire and the only direction you're falling is Down. In This Moment I'm taking your hand and we are Leaving Tonight. I just Need One Promise... kiss my lips and whisper, Tell me that we are going to take The Long Way Home.

Sometimes words come out before I am ready. Giggles bubble over at the most inopportune times. Memories come unbidden and tears flow despite heavily guarded walls. The nature of the beast. Then sometimes you wake up from that feeling better. Theraputic? Who knows.

No happy endings. Emotions suck ass. I would reach in a pull them out. Like a chord that has been mis-wired. I would cut it out with a scalpel and stitch the resulting opening. I'd hide the scar. A dog died. Kind of affecting me more than one would imagine. I think it's everything else. I think it's a straw.

Nothing like coming home and walking into your room only to suddenly remember that you had decided to wash your sheets today. You are so tired that you stand there for a good two minutes seriously considering just falling onto the bare mattress. But alas, responsibility and adult-hood kick in. They should make a cream for that shit. I don't know why, I don't know why now, but this is really.... speaking to me. Amazing. Who am I? Who am I but the bringer of bad memories. The harbinger of sadness. My whole life I've always thought it was HARBRINGER...not HARBINGER. Harbringer makes more sense to me. Bringing something and all that.

You only look when your sleeve is pulled What about the times when no one is looking at you The times when you are alone in your car driving in the dark and you realize the music isn't playing Maybe it is in your head Or the headlights on the white lines Make their own music And you have heard it this whole time You just haven't been listening Because No one has asked you to

I woke up with a sore throat. I think it's allergies, but still. What a way to start the day. I went to the doctor. I have a test coming up in a couple of weeks. I killed the muscle in the bottom of my foot. Even when I'm lying down I can feel it ache. I'm full of complaints. Full of shit. Full of a lot of things. I did a couple of versions. Saw something similar in a stumble and thought I'd try it. I was kind of going for vintage. The shape of my eye looks like a bird pecking at the ground. Or a penguin on it's belly.

I wake up before 3 a.m. The world feels differently than it does during the day, or night even. I feel differently. I drive to work in the dark. I have lunch when most people are waking up. I watch the sunrise at the same time I watch planes do the same. The stars disappear and so does the person standing in front of me. So do the thousands of images I search. I climb into a hot vehicle and drive to another destination of responsibility. The sun follows me in the sky. I think that thoughts have left me. I stare ahead blindly. I hate when my brain stops and I am forced to fall back onto nothing but emotions. It's too raw for me. Too much. I think about home and turn my blinker on. I don't want to go. Either place. But I sit in a chair that swivels and numbers start dancing while I form them into pretty lines with happy periods. The volume in my headphones goes up of it's own accord. I watch peoples lips move and imagine my own dialogue. I leave and it's me following ...

I went running today with Bailey. It was easier said then done. Flowers and pee spots were way more interesting than fitness in her opinion. She's here. I think that's why. I need to exhaust myself even more than I already am. I might be taking it a little far. No rest for the wicked. Tegan and Sara released a song today. It's called CLOSER. LISTEN I think I'm in love with the 'lilt'. I said that word so much in my head that I had to look it up to make sure it was a word. I'd be really interested to see them perform this live. Wonder if they'd move around, maybe even, bounce rhythmically to the music, perchance?

I want to start by saying that I DO think it is completely self involved to want recognition. You do something because it's good. It's good for other people. I don't do things...well....I don't know. I've just been thinking a lot lately, which, we all know, is never good. I just...I'm just... I always... fin before it ever starts

You know the first thing my mother said when she saw this picture? "Wow, your nose really is crooked! I wonder if that happened when you fell off of the curb in your walker." Because I wasn't self conscious about my schnoz as it is. Oh well. You are tired, (I think) Of the always puzzle of living and doing; And so am I. Come with me, then, And we'll leave it far and far away - (Only you and I, understand!) You have played, (I think) And broke the toys you were fondest of, And are a little tired now; Tired of things that break, and - Just tired. So am I. But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight, And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart - Open to me! For I will show you the places Nobody knows, And, if you like, The perfect places of Sleep. Ah, come with me! I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon, That floats forever and a day; I'll sing you that jacinth song Of the prob...

I needed this past weekend. Which, wasn't really my weekend because, technically, tomorrow is my friday, from my first job anyway. But emotionally speaking, needed!! Crazy news. The restaurant that I used to work at and only recently left has been shut down. Apparently someone bought the place and closed the doors. They didn't even give the servers or staff a warning. Just called them up today and said they were closed forever, effective immediately. Makes one wonder. I guess the world just works in mysterious ways sometimes, for some people. Mainly me, because on here, it's all about me. A gentleman informed me today that I looked like "The blonde girl from the Lindt chocolate commercial that has that tennis player in it." I raised my eyebrows and said, "Huh, I'll have to check it out." For all I knew, it was far from a compliment. After viewing it, I'm not sure what to think, really. THE COMMERCIAL But, it is very funny!! "Nope, my c...

This was my horoscope for yesterday ... Feeling tired? It's no wonder -- the pace (and the hours) you've been keeping lately are not conducive to staying alert and awake throughout the day. If you can't seem to get revved up to start your day, then sleep in a little bit longer. If you can't sleep in a bit longer, then promise yourself that you'll make time for a nice nap this weekend. They say you can't really catch up on sleep, but you need to get some more sleep in order to get back to feeling normal. It made me laugh. Unfortunately I didn't heed the advice and I am dragging right now. I seem to be in the middle of a headache storm. Its more like a tropical depression of storms. As funny and as probably inaccurate as it sounds, my headaches feel deep. Sometimes I can rub my temples or the back of my neck, but these headaches aren't on the surface. They are deep. I can't describe them any other way. I might have to resort to an energy drink to...

I have a scab in the shape of Africa on my knee. "I scraped my knees while I was praying" ~ Paramore I had a another test today. Of the literal kind. I passed. The words were only black and white. The answers were only wrong or right. People kept walking up and down the hallway. Shutting doors and whispering words.

For some reason, I don't know what that reason could be, this reminds me of myself. (I'm being sarcastic about the not knowing part.) I love this picture. :)

Yesterday was almost unbearable. I've had several really bad months. I hope it's not a sign of something bad. I should really just go to the doctor. I remember downloading Sleepthief several years ago. Just one song, Eurydice. I have no idea why I didn't delve further since I really enjoyed that song. But I have and I think they are great! Kind of similar to Oceanlab in my opinion.

It looks like Isaac has shifted way west. I feel for New Orleans. It's creepy that the anniversary of Katrina is this week. What are the odds? Probably pretty high considering hurricane season is so short, and the gulf coast is so small, relatively speaking. Our neighbors have their windows boarded. They did this yesterday. Watching them gave me a lump of dread in my stomach. I can't imagine being closed up in a house with no windows... on purpose. The horizon was a muted pink last night as I drove, almost in a daze. The clouds were like paint from a hurried brush stroke and I couldn't help but imagine.

It was a night of clock watching. I'd wake up and grab my phone, checking the time, thinking I was late and had overslept. Only to realize that 30 minutes had passed since the last time that I looked. Not only that, but every time I did manage to sleep, I dreamed of traveling in a caravan like in medieval times. I was set a task to watch for a certain person. There is nothing quite like being stressed while you dream. Hopefully I can come home and catch a nap. A month or two ago, the clinic in Tennessee called me and told me that a dragon picture, that I drawn for them, was stolen. Would I remind replacing it with a drawing of a new dragon? Sure I said, no problem. I received a text yesterday asking about the progress. My initial reaction? "Funny you should ask! I'll have it out soon." Yikes. I forgot. Watching Isaac. If you were to visit a local Wal-Mart here, you would think Isaac was an asteroid not a storm. One lady had three buggies full of nothing but water. A...

A bruised heart soars at nodded acknowledgements given with mirrored smiles While Clouds form beneath layers of not yet regrets but decisions that made us who we are The cicadas sing and the crickets play in the after dusk orchestras Mostly unnoticed by those traveling and focused on other things less important Eyes search stars and stare at alarm clocks in disbelief or silent resignation It's hard to tell what lies beyond the surface of scattered thoughts maybe hazy dreams Distant smells barely remembered leave shaken confidence and drenched sheets A past replayed and instances changed only behind closed lids afraid to open

So I was on the hunt for an item. It couldn't be taken. It was a cigar lighter a.k.a. a torch lighter. In my defense I didn't really look at it. I just glanced and saw two huge red eyes and a red beak. I held it up to my trainer and said, "Awww, look! An owl!" When she looked at me with raised eyebrows and then doubled over in laughter, I turned the object over. I quickly realized I was holding a woman's torso with HUGE boobs, and what I thought was the beak, was her bikini bottom. I'm pretty sure I turned as red as the bikini, but I did try to laugh it off. I'm just sure I'm going to be hearing about this for a while.

I have a thought in my head. That I should keep both jobs to keep me busy. To keep my mind off of things. The only problem is that I'm not exactly in the best shape for it. The solution is to get into better shape. Obviously. I am so over the rain. It rains every day and has for two months now, so it seems. I wish we could send it to the people who need it. We certainly don't. Our grass is dying because its becoming swamp. Thats how the world will end. Extreme weather. I worked a little bit on the drawing of the dog and I have an idea for a necklace I started yesterday. But mostly I slept.

It was official yesterday. I was offered a full-time position. A couple more months and I could technically transfer anywhere in the country. It's exciting and daunting. I have mixed emotions obviously. I don't think that I have even processed them fully. Nobody seems to understand my hesitation at being completely ecstatic. Oh well, I've always "over thought" things. My legs are still giving me trouble. I'm taking vitamins and trying to drink more water, but it doesn't seem to be helping much. I keep having flashbacks to when I got all of the testing done a couple of years ago.

How many signs can one person come across? I am so incredibly conflicted. Do I even believe in signs? Lately it's been so in your face that it's hard to shrug off. Am I creating them? Am I just noticing things because of my thought pattern? Ah hell.

I'd put my wishes on feathers of birds that I see fly above me and give every last breath left in my chest to carry them on push them higher and farther away above the clouds that I can not see and the mountains I want to climb Over the oceans that I will never cross and beyond horizons I'm not sure even exist but only in dreams This is the mural that I did in a nursery. I tried to keep the colors light which looks like shit in photographs but a lot more vibrant in person. They like it, they chose it, all that matters anyway.

I received a phone call about a meeting that is to take place on Tuesday. I'm worried about it. Of course my over active imagination is not helping at all. I turn with eyes closed and feel sheets slide over me like rivulets of water made of cloth and silent whispers which fills the void where things were meant to settle My lips part and a sigh escapes, echoing as if mimicked prayers were being chanted over moist tongues and teeth I wish that I could close my eyes tighter against it all or at least have my whispers answered, even by silent lips and eyes that are not my own. For now I have sheets They don't mind when I clench them in my fists during nightmares, recent and often, or drench them in sweat during anxiety filled fits of delusions and chases. I push them away and steal them back again over and over.

Do you think it's possible for a heart to break without being aware of it? Maybe it happens so slowly and over such a long amount of time, one day you just realize... wow. It reminds me of that Matchbox 20 song, Rest stop -> "While you were sleeping I was listening to the radio and wondering what you were dreaming, when it came to mind that I didn't care." I didn't research the lyrics so they might not be 100% accurate, but the sentiment is there. It's a truly sad, sad song. I'm eyeing St. Petersburg but Atlanta might be a better bet. All depends on work. I 'stumbled' upon this really cool website. It's pretty trippy. It's called  SQUAREEATER Put your headphones on, click, and away you go. I've been looking for something like this for a while. The only downside is the limited selections. After a couple of repeated listenings, I'm ready for something new. I have the most effects when I'm really tired, which is all the t...

I've been eating bananas for breakfast as of late. The bottoms of my feet and my calves keep cramping on me. I'm a little confused as to why. When I was at the restaurant I walked around a lot more than I do now, though I do walk a lot now, but still. I also do not consider eating at 2:45 am breakfast. It just is. Everything just is. Life just is. It's more shit every day. You deal with it and move on. Secret of life? Figured out. Booyah.

My mom said there would be days like this. Not only my mom, some other people that I hold very close said it too. And when it can't get much worse.... your cat pukes on your pile of clean clothes. It's the part in italics. $400 worth. Sucks. ma li cious  |məˈli  sh  əs| adjective characterized   by   malice ; intending or intended to do harm  :  malicious  destruction   of   property .

Its all about .... checking out. My system is on autopilot. I've switched off and I'm looking out of the window. I keep telling myself that I just have to make it through this. It's just temporary. Now I just have to start believing it

I survived. That's really all.

In a little over 4 hours, it will have officially started. I'm having those same panicky thoughts that I've had before. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? The restaurant people contacted me. They said they missed me and congratulations and asked if I was coming back anytime soon. A part of me wrote a text back that said 'yes'. But I just looked at my phone and the blinking cursor for a few minutes before turning the screen black and slipping it into my pocket. What am I doing? I listen to music. Fun. Some Nights. "Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck". "Some nights I wish my lips could make a castle." I watched the music video for Alanis' new song "Guardian". It reminded me of my grandmother. It also reminded me of Natalie Merchant and the 90s. I watched the music video for Pink's new song "Blow me one last kiss". I liked the part when she was in a suit, dancing. It mostly made me squint because the ligh...

Well, I made it. I made it through 7 days of grueling, brain sucking, data processing, knowledge learning. It wasn't horrible. It wasn't like school though. Whatever it was, I made it. I passed. I am incredibly proud of myself. I think my family is too. They tell me they are anyway. I guess its narcissistic, but, I mean, maybe I expected more excitement from my peeps? I think they were more excited on opening night of Magic Mike than the day I officially became an officer. Oh well. Maybe after high school graduation, any sort of achievement is a tad anti-climactic. I met with a client yesterday. I'm going to be painting a mural in a nursery. Finally. We will see how that turns out... especially since my mornings are going to be starting at 245 a.m. now.

I still have three more days of class, however, testing starts tomorrow. I haven't had so much information crammed into my head in a long time. Especially visually. I'm on information overload, not to mention emotional. So I'm going to abandon everything. I'm pressing pause. I'm going to look at silly things, watch funny movies, and craft. So here are my "Try no to smile" contributions. I absolutely hate those family stickers. But in this case, pure genius! Go New Jersian! I will admit, I actually laughed out loud at this one!! This reminds me more of .... people that I know. But I've run into this tear jerker of a problem a few times myself. I have hit NOT TODAY or LATER for like, a year now.

Its odd how light can affect emotions so entirely. How, when the sun goes down, things feel different, on a visceral level. As soon as the sun comes up, it changes. We view it differently. I think nights are dark for me. No pun intended. It's hard and its stormy. I think I survive nights. I unconsciously breathe a sigh of relief when daylight is registered by my eyes. Even the grayest, dimmest, shade of sun is a ray of hope. Of a new beginning. As soon as the lights go off, I get tense. My body is just waiting, hoping, rushing the night. It doesn't make it come any faster though. Maybe we are all just waiting...

Well, the first day of class is officially over and under my belt. It was about as awful as I thought it would be. Lots of inane questions, lots of tangents. What could have been a 5 hour class was stretched to 8. The positive side? Only six more days. Then I have 60 hours of training before I can get certified. Why am I doing this again? I jest ... mostly. I wanted to tell the girls making up theoretical situations and wondering what we would do if certain situations presented themselves to stop! I wanted to say "How about we cross bridges when we get to them instead of diverting rivers and building imaginary ones?" Then I thought, WOW ... I should write that down. So I did. And then I proceeded to doodle about 50 geometric diamonds on my notepad. 

My sleep pattern is mightily screwed up. The night before last, I woke up every hour, almost on the hour, like clockwork. Each time I looked at the clock, I knew for sure that it was time to wake up, but only sixty minutes had passed from the previous time I had looked. Last nigh I woke up at least 4 times from a very deep sleep to pee. It's insane. I feel more frustrated than I should though. I think it's because my throat is sore and I know that not getting enough sleep can lower your immune system. I read somewhere that you shouldn't get mad at your body or brain because it will make any symptoms that you might be exhibiting even worse. It'd be like yelling back at a bully in school. If you give them attention then it will only get worse. So here is me, loving my body and it's decision to not sleep well.

I think that our human ability to forgive and to accept and to change our minds is a fault, to a point. When someone has hurt you, and yet twenty minutes later you are okay with that person, what does that say? I don't understand. I want to and at the same time, I do not want to. Sometimes not knowing how something works is better. Another defense mechanism we all have, I suppose. If we knew, if we had that knowledge, then we wouldn't have hope. It's kind of like believing in Mr. Clause. Wow, I am WAY too deep for it to be four in the morning. Snap out of it!!

I've become Zooey Deschanel's in Failure to Launch. There is a Mockingbird harassing my cats. Just one. All day. To the point where they are afraid to go outside. They creep low to the ground and the bird dive bombs them. It's not funny. I'm going to chase that bird away. I've been shooting at it with plastic bb's but I'm going to have to up the ante. I try to tell the cats that they are bigger, they can totally take the bird. But this isn't a normal bird. This bird is on a mission and nothing will distract it's attention from it's mission. Stupid bird focus. It's to the point where I will leave my meal untouched if I hear the screeching of this psycho fowl. The terror is still present. So is the itching tension that sits right beneath my skin. What have I done? I just have to see it through. I have to stick to SOMETHING in my life. I can do this. But why? Life is short. Ugh, fuck.

What is in a word? How can one word describe something so totally. I suppose it's like the word "love". The word today is "ABJECT" used in conjunction with TERROR. Conjunction Junction what's your function? ab ject  |ˈabˌjekt; abˈjekt| adjective 1  [  attrib.  ]  (of a situation or condition) extremely bad, unpleasant, and  degrading   :  abject  poverty. •  (of an  unhappy  state  of   mind )  experienced  to the maximum degree  :  his letter plunged her into abject  misery . •  (of a  failure ) absolute and  humiliating .

I'm feeling panicked and claustrophobic. Everything inside of me is second guessing and rebelling. I'm trying to talk myself down. I try to tell myself to take it moment by moment. It's fine. So many people would kill for this. But not me. I crave freedom. I'm trying to be grown-up about it. SUCKS! Fword times a thousand.

I've forgotten what it feels like to go through the process of having one's body adapt to things. A new workout schedule, a new diet, a new sleep pattern, etc. I've forgotten what it feels like to wake up at 3:45 in the morning. My body hasn't adapted. I'm floundering a bit. I find myself looking up more and more. I watch the clouds. I look at the stars. I turn my face towards the rain. My eyes chase the lightening. I turn the volume up louder. I just wonder ... I feel incredibly vulnerable. Time to restock the bricks and invest in cement.

After the novelty of wearing a uniform wears off, one realizes, it is very hot under all of the "cool" factor. I'm more nervous today than I was on Tuesday.

I wish I could turn around without feeling like I've done something wrong. Can you even see yourself? I keep looking at the moon and thinking of the mice. Every night. I look for refuge in all of the wrong places. Even music gets lonely. I wish it wasn't so easy for people to hurt. I wish it wasn't so easy for people to hurt me because they are hurt by something else. I wish that I knew how to change that. Desert of Sadness by DJ Dado

Well, I did it. I took the oath and everything. It was a bit odd and surreal. Very casual and laid back. It's frustrating when you are in a group because there is always going to be that one person that asks WAY too many stupid questions and gets the speaker off on this tangent that isn't even relevant to what is being said. I hate it when that happens. I bet that lady tacked on two hours of unnecessary time to the whole shebang. The timing is all nebulous. I really have no idea what is going on. It seems like for a place that is founded on procedure and organization that there would be a little bit more information to give us newbs. Oh well, I guess you earn the right to know. Unfortunately the other person that was supposed to go with me to my specific destination dropped out. So I'm riding solo. I don't know if that is going to be a blessing or a curse. I don't even really know what is going on. Signs keep coming and tempers keep flaring. I'm trying my bes...

It didn't end how I expected it to. I thought there would be more fanfare, more acknowledgement, more... something. There wasn't. There were no hugs, no cake, no whip cream to the face. Five years and a quiet exit through the back door of the kitchen. The more I think about it, the more I think how appropriate that is. I left how I came ... silently. I'm so nervous about tomorrow. My head is full of such conflicting thoughts and emotions. I keep hearing and seeing signs. It's frustrating. It's frustrating not knowing the future. A car accident happened in my rearview mirror on Friday. I watched it unfold in slow motion. I am so lucky that I didn't get hit. It's almost eerie how I didn't. A domino rear end. A lot of strange things are happening. I try to be realistic but keep an open mind. It almost feels like someone or something is really really trying to get my attention though.

I just got off of work. I'm in the state of beyond tired. I can't even be sarcastic. I have the desire but I lack the brainpower. I gave my notice yesterday. I haven't heard of more dissatisfied people in my entire life. Not because I am going to be absent, but because they are just not happy with their jobs. Maybe me changing things up is just the catalyst for others to realize their positions. Maybe it's like when someone dies and you realize life is short. Makes you think. Either way, It is what it is. I don't know. I almost feel like I am in constant state of tension, but not stress, well kind of, more like nervous energy. Could be lack of sleep. Could be crazy thoughts. Could be, could be, could be. I keep looking for numbers. My life is inundated with them. Inputing numbers, numbers on the clocks, numbers are zero and I want it to be 1, numbers left in a song, numbers left on my gas tank, my speed.

There is a new song, " Waiting Alone" , by Shiny Toy Guns. It's been on repeat. I haven't listened to a song on repeat in a long time. It reminds me of when I first discovered them. Where I was in my life. Things are going to change. The silver ball is moving faster. I suppose it's always scary. I've never been afraid to take chances, though. Never afraid to take off on my own. Never afraid to try.  Something is different. 

I was given a twelve cent tip on a check that was 111.00. I was told that the cook obviously had a hard time reading my handwriting and that I needed to work on that. His steak was medium well instead of burned. I think the worst part was they all got up and left their teenage son, who obviously had no idea what he was being asked to do, give me the money for their check. So not only were they being assholes, they were being cowardly assholes. I've taken a leave of absence.

I never saved anything for the swim back If you're going to pretend like you don't care, don't look up.   but the mirror shows me looking out, bemused, into a blank place that could be anywhere.

I look up at the sky and see all of the stars floating in transcendent glory among the gods that mimic the cosmos on my skin with scars their contributions gazed upon we applaud But I'm not sure of where this story is going the roads are covered and diverge in no pattern that I can discern. Guess its all for showing these random acts of trivial blood letting doesn't matter

I had a very bizarre dream last night. I was in my driveway. It was hot outside and I saw a tiny egg almost the size of a robin's egg. I picked it up and it was broken, hollow. I turned it over to set it back down and yellow yolk started dripping out. I grimaced and then a body started slinking out of the cracked shell. The body was almost boneless, like newborns seem to be. It was a baby duck, and much larger than the actual egg that I was holding. It was covered in yolk and couldn't breath or open it's eyes. I remember thinking, "well shit". I cracked open the now, much larger egg, so that it was more like a bowl. I scooped the baby duck inside of it and carried it to the sink in my kitchen where I gently ran warm water over it and washed it off. I kept telling myself it was probably dead or if not it was going to die very soon. The body was warm and lo and behold it opened it's eyes. Then I thought... "What the hell does a baby duck eat?!?" There...

Still feeling ill. It's always fun to wake up at 3 in the morning, sweating, sick to your stomach, not knowing if you are going to throw up or need to use the bathroom. I highly recommend it, to everyone. I'm setting this up as an excuse for the HORRENDOUS editing. I've had this concept in my head for awhile. It still didn't come out how I planned it, but the concept is there. I'm in a super critical mood.

Some people feel so right about things. But when you feel like you are a thousand percent sure of yourself. That you've made the right decision... there is ALWAYS going to be that tiny measure of.... "wait". I think that wait is a person. I think that person is just waiting for the always right person to turn around.

What is the ultimate betrayal? My feelings at the moment? One's body. It's a completely helpless feeling to be trapped inside of something that is hurting you. Stupid. Funny conversation: Mom: When are you coming home? Me: As soon as I can. I just have to sweep. Why? Do you need something? Mom: Nope. I heard a noise in the living room. All the animals are with me and my door is shut. Heads up and good luck! Me: Oh my god, you're just going to let me walk into something? Mom: Of course not, that's why I'm telling you ahead of time!

I love it when medicine makes you sick. One of the stupid ironies of humanity I suppose. Or maybe it's just the checks and balances of the world. Great cures and strides in health and prolonging life with the pitfalls of side effects and consequences. It's fitting, actually, the more that I think about it. Some more pictures of the great flood of June. The portent to the end of the world. Ha!

Pensacola made the news. We got a little bit of flooding. It was the weirdest thing. Even the meteorologists were flabbergasted and kept saying they "didn't see this coming". I wish I could have gotten better pictures, but there was no way I was going to risk getting any water on my camera. I had to abandon my car on Saturday because I stupidly crossed a section of road that was flooded by a creek that had crested and wasn't about to drive back across it after I had to turn around. I parked it in a neighborhood and asked for rescue. I got it back today, no worse for wear. My poor car. I'm still a bit sick. I think I should be better by now. I got some OTC stuff, on top of my antibiotics. I got a lot of rest this weekend too so maybe tomorrow it will be better. Maybe it's slow. More pictures to follow. Later. I'm tired.

So I had a couple of tornado dreams that were super realistic. There was one where a young woman committed suicide by walking out into the desert and getting sucked up into the so called tornadic funnel. It got me to thinking....  What if these dreams of tornados is just my brains way of logically making sense of aliens? People don't just float into the air, so there must be a scientific, logical explanation that my brain or mind needs to grab onto, to make sense of things. But what if it's not real? What if I'm not afraid of storms? What if that's my own projection? It just got me to thinking. Lately.... The tornados have been forming in cloudless skies.. In my dreams of course.

Turned to Her Eyes stare Like I don't care Sometimes it's even too much of an effort to flip off the world. It's easier to just stare. With your mouth closed. Blink occasionally. Your arms by your side. Shoulders slumped. Just remember, don't see anything. I had a crazy dream. I was elevated. Like flying but I wasn't flying. I was being carried, but not. Like in the movies when a wizard or a witch makes someone float. I was outside and I was going very high. I was pretty calm about it but not at the same time. There was a voice, a presence with me. I remember very clearly this female voice asking, "She won't drop you, will she?" Without hesitation I fix my eyes on the tiny houses below me and nod my head, "Oh without a doubt she would." And then I'm falling. I know I'm not going to stop right before I hit the ground, like in the movies. I'm going to die. I wake up before that happens though.

I hate going to the doctor. It's ironic seeing as I've worked in the medical field most of my life. It's not the medical aspect of it though. It's the people. I know that's a really bitchy and snobbish thing to say. But waiting room people are a different breed. The whole atmosphere is "sick". I'd rather be on a bus, a crowded elevator, an assembly, anywhere would be better. Maybe not a funeral though.... hmmmm. Even then the aura is sadness, not sickness. It makes me feel physically.... sicker than I feel originally. So I have strep. While lying in bed I had a funny feeling at the back of my throat. I went into the bathroom because I could feel something coming up ... or down. It was a huge piece of snot but so fibrous and thick it wouldn't even go down the drain. It looked like a dark green tumor with white tendons and veins running along it's surface. Don't worry, I wanted to take a picture but I didn't. Boundaries and all. America...

For three days I've been fighting allergies, so I thought. I now have blisters on my throat and I am pretty sure I am running a fever. I haven't been sick in a very long time. I've learned as I get older, my ability to tolerate sickness has all but disappeared. I am grouchy, whiny, needy, and basically like a toddler. I want affection and then I want to push it away. I want food and then I take one bite and I'm not hungry. I'm on the verge of tears and my body feels overly sensitive to everything, even air. I am bossy. (more than usual). Oh well. I hope that the NyQuil works a miracle.

How about you try this on for a change Fall up and touch the floor when you land Shatter the thoughts you hide behind and reach for the shards with a bended and bloodied hand

Memorial Weekend. I didn't get home until after midnight last night. There is nothing quite like being exhausted but with money in your pocket. So getting stuck at the Florabama for 20 minutes wasn't entirely intolerable. I also found it quite amusing how drivers were getting totally pissed and not letting anyone into the incredibly long line of cars. The heat is making everyone crazy.

I stood on the edge of the pond. I looked down and I thought I could drown in the sky, for a moment.

It's been a while since I've felt like throwing my arms back. Letting the tide take me away. Falling backwards into a field. Staring at the stars so long that they move across the sky while you watch. Turning the volume up so loud that you can't even hear yourself. It's been a while.

I've been a little behind lately. My hair is growing very long and blocking my view of what is right in front of me. A week or so ago the subject of concave chests came up at work. This syndrome was thrown out there and now I can't get it out of my head. I know it sounds like a simple case of hypochondria, but this one is nagging at me. Of all of the "indicators" the ones in red are ones that I have... Aortic aneurysm or dilation Arachnodactyly GERD Bicuspid aortic valve Cysts Cystic medial necrosis Degenerative disk disease Deviated septum Dural ectasia Early cataracts Early glaucoma Early osteoarthritis Ectopia lentis Emphysema Eye iris coloboma Above-average height Heart palpitations Hernias High palate Hypermobility of the joints Kyphosis (hunched back) Leaky heart valve Malocclusion Micrognathia (small lower jaw) Mitral valve prolapse Myopia (near sightedness) Obstructive lung disease Osteope...

I feel like I am approaching zombie mode. As Buffy would say, "I'm just going through the motions". Great.... now I want to hear the soundtrack again. It's been ages. Spring break has broken. It's been crazy at the restaurant. I hope I've made the requisite cash for taxes so that I can slow down. I haven't had enough time to even check. I'm thinking if I don't soon then my body will for me. But I also feel like I should take advantage of this time and make as much as I can while I can. It's a catch 22. Carpool confessional is hilarious! If nothing else is going right then I know I at least have Tegan and Sara to cheer me up. What's a great song right now? Cough Syrup done Glee style ->   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDFBnpmiIz4

I'm feeling better. Maybe my illness was a fluke. In my defense I do still have coughing fits. They are just really random. Work is going okay. Had a really boring meeting yesterday where the other person I work with and myself were trying to figure out software problems. The 'man' that chose the program was just interested in what it was doing for him, he wasn't that concerned with our end of things. My favorite quote from him -> "It's like I have a new toy and I don't know what all the buttons do yet." I rolled my eyes and thought to myself. 'Your toy sucks and I have no interest in playing with it.' I also asked another coworker what her 'official' title was. Her response, in complete seriousness, "At work?" I paused before replying.... "Do you have a title outside of work??" Made me laugh! :)

I told myself that I need to do everything to make as much money as possible. I think this past winter has traumatized me. I'm so afraid of not having enough, or being late on a bill, or whatever. So I've worked two jobs for two weeks now. No days off. This past weekend I've worked four 18 hour days. This morning I felt okay. I stopped at a gas station and got an energy drink because I was dragging a little bit. I went to lunch and got a book. I came back and started working and started coughing. I couldn't stop. I just felt like I was coughing constantly, which made my head start throbbing. I got sent home. I am grateful because I went straight to bed. I'm also feeling guilty because I did this to myself. I wanted to make extra money, not cause myself to lose money by getting sick. Stupid.

It's prime time flu season. A lot of people are sick. I don't feel great myself. My chest has been feeling funny. Like a tightness. Other than that, I am tip top. Bailey's mohawk is fading. I'm thinking blue or teal. Now that I have a job, my life has gotten boring. Not that it was the epitome of excitement beforehand, just seems like I don't do anything but work and come home. I'm going to chalk it up to ACCLIMATION. I'm still getting used to the new routine and all.

There are people who hate holidays. No matter what it is celebrating, there will be people not interested. I like Valentine's Day. I like love and I like celebrating that. Even if it's for a little kid or the love of your life. You don't have to give into the commercialism. It's not even about gifts. It's only about acknowledgement. That's just my opinion though.

This past weekend I shaved Bailey and gave her a purple mohawk. I think she looks adorable. Other people don't really agree, but .... that's why I do it. Today is the medical evaluation. I'm a bit nervous. I don't know why. I think I'm transferring my anxiety onto this appointment. The restaurant called. I think I am going to attempt to 2 job it. I know it turned out so well last time I attempted it.

Yesterday, Bailey and I decided to take a walk. A seven mile walk in a state park to be exact. We got lost and ended up walking over 10 miles. I'm not sure if that number is correct, but that is what it felt like! I know that when you get lost, the sanest option is to back track. We were both sweaty and tired and just wanted to find the car. I was smart enough to pack water for us both, so we were good on that front. While we were walking with out heads down, we came upon a woman. She was lost as well. She said she was going to walk with us in the hopes that I knew where I was going. I said that was alright with me. Looking back, I couldn't have made any other choice. I couldn't tell her that she had to find her own way. There is only one way out after all. However, I very quickly realized the situation I got myself into : Lady: "So, since you are my 'angel' that is saving me from being lost, I have to ask... Are you saved in the name of Jesus Christ?" ...