Frame of Reference

My ear is infected, maybe. It's swollen, red, and hot. It's not draining though. I've been doing salt water soaks which helps. I'm not taking this bad boy out though, well unless my ear starts to fall off. No reason to be silly about it. My weekend was physically relaxing. I decided to let my body recover from the constant exercising . I still watched what I ate and I did walk a mile or so, but just walked. I'm ready to jump back into it this week though. I've come to really like how my muscles ache just a little bit. I know that sounds crazy. I also did get to see "Wanted". I thought it was good. Most of the effects have been done before and I really didn't like the ending very much. I think, maybe, it's a movie that you have to watch more than once to really appreciate it. I'm really excited about my trip but I haven't heard any news from dear old 'dad'. Will I still go if he doesn't want to see me? I think I need to.

Personal things taken too far None of my business-----I shouldn't look Only connection, abandonment hurts but not as much as words do Hit - me -, kick - me -, throw your words at - me - Opinions are free and a right we all have Innocent bystanders don't deserve words like that Don't take it personally, I know I shouldn't----but it is It's because of me the words are spoken even if they aren't about me specifically Instinctually hurt rears it's head sucker punch to the gut Then anger takes notice and jaws clench The person I care for doesn't exist I want to scream until my face turns red and I can't breathe Innocent people, the story is unknown assumptions make asses of people  and the fire is spreading It's ironic. I noticed a riff, some angry words were said I sat and worried, I didn't want the friendship to end Sure, she never liked me and has said some pretty terrible things about me. I could and can handle that. For some reason, no matte...

Good days and bad days, emotional ups and downs...gotta love being human. I find the quirks of psychology very interesting. How do we shift moods so easily and sometimes with no discernable reason? Today is a good day so far. I'm not having a terrible hair day, my clothes look decent, and no dramas have suddenly popped up (knock on wood). Look for the silver lining and don't take it for granted. Focus on the positive. It's okay to acknowledge the negative, but try not to focus on it. Confusion however is another matter entirely. I find that I have to chew on that for a LONG TIME. I find myself visualizing the different pathways and consequences. Time consuming and sometimes frustrating. Life wouldn't be interesting without ups and downs though, right? In other news I really want to see WANTED this weekend. Hopefully we'll make it to a showing. I'm dog sitting and walking. Gotta make some cash to buy some tires and get maintenance for my car. If anyone has some...

I got an email from James again last night. This is it in it's entirety: "The clouds are like puff balls going across the sky really fast then they slow down and go slow. How about where you are?" Upon first reading this I thought "What is this person on??" But after thinking about it for a while I realized that....I always notice the clouds. I always thought of it as a quirk, to stare at the sky and just watch them. Then I think, am I creating this parallel because I want some type of connection? What if it's just ramblings. What if it's not? How can simple/random sentences like that be so thought provoking? Why does thinking about it scare me? What the hell am I afraid of? So I stumble across this rope that represents my father. I stand and look at it. I pick it up and let it rest in my hands.....but I don't hold onto it, I just let it lay there. I know that if I close my hands and hold onto this rope...that if it's yanked away it will rip my ...

Lost girl protects what is precious to her Can you say the same for yourself sir Hidden pockets of misery and divine Islands of hope if only they could shine Lost girl pushes away heartfelt love Not deserved, bloodied and shoved Unexplainable expectations she's given A heart not beating, held broken, riven Lost girl bites back urges to cry A scream past parted lips, only a sigh Shaking inside, flying apart, unraveling Logic and reason, following, traveling Lost girl can't tread water any longer Deep breath, under, float, stronger Leave behind all that exists here Keep it safe, hidden from fear Lost girl wants to turn back, embrace Behind closed eyes, only her face Accept what's been said and done Move forwards, towards the rising sun

It was supposed to rain today, but it didn't and that disappoints me. I think a great, rockin ', thunderstorm is needed desperately. The air needs cleaning, it's getting too heavy and acrid.  My dad wrote again. He mentioned getting a father's day card from his sons for the first time ever and how happy he was about that. Suspicious. I feel no need whatsoever to acknowledge him being a father to me. I want to meet him and I want to look into his eyes. I want to see the person that helped make me. But as far as feeling any sort of bond or kinship, nada . That's not to say it isn't possible. I feel strongly that you can have a connection with someone without ever meeting them...but there is always the possibility that it's your imagination filling in huge gaps of what this person is really like. The Internet really allows people to be whoever they want. Even phone conversations allow your imagination to go wild. You could be imagining the person on the other ...

Sometimes things are just eerie, like my horoscopes: Sometimes you impulsively take the most direct course of action before checking in with your feelings. But just because you are heading in a particular direction with conviction, this doesn't necessarily mean you're following your heart's desire. It's time to look beyond expediency and take more subtle concerns into consideration. Life is sweet, but crazy -- and you're not sure how much more crazy you can take! The good news is that your capacity for absorbing madness isn't anywhere near full quite yet, so keep it up!

"We are all apt to believe what the world believes about us." - George Eliot ....So change the world's point of view, I say. It has been so beautiful in the afternoons these past couple of days. The other night we were outside with Bailey when she yelped. I looked down and I saw a bee buzzing around her. Sure enough she had gotten stung on the leg. I had to pull the stinger out even. I watched her to make sure she wasn't going to have a reaction. Poor thing. She didn't know what was happening and kept whining and licking her leg. After a few minutes, though, she was calming down. That is until my mom started giving her attention. She milked that up like crazy! She wouldn't even walk. Such a baby. :) Human emotions are...overly complicated. How can you feel so proud and yet feel jealous and sad at the same time? I don't think it should be allowed. I want to feel proud of people's forward movement. Accomplishments are piling up like no one's business...

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.... I've learned that you just can't please everyone. Growing up in the kind of environment that I have, I really try to do that...even at the cost of my own happiness. I pretend to be strong and then when I'm by myself I play the victim, the 'why me' - 'life isn't fair' card. But in reality I've brought it upon myself. No one is making me feel this way, except me. No one can take someone elses place. It's literally impossible. It'd be trying to fit a circle through a sqaure peg. This isn't going to happen. That does not mean that a circle shape isn't going to be created as well. Can you consider that your view of how things work is very limited and closed minded? I'm standing in fragments and I want to make things easier. Am I manipulating? Possibly. I was unaware though. Does that make it right? Definitely not. I'm trying to examine my feelings. What do my guts look like?...

I've been in my head a lot today. I keep trying to tell myself that anger is a form of healing. Maybe it's necessary. But lashing out isn't. 

"And barely symphonic But strangely ironic Moments contained in one glance Oh how I adored you But now I'm ignored by you Nowhere a tint of romance And now it's vaguely familar I think I remember sharing every single intimacy It doesn't seem so strange to me that we barely entertained Even the politest of phrases But sometimes at night I conjure you up in my mind" Where You Want to Be - Darren Hayes I don't know how I could have missed this...maybe I was just in a different place when it came out and I didn't notice. Anyway, I'm talking about the book "The Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield. I just started it so we'll see, but I have really high hopes. It's sort of a spirituality, insight kind of book from what I gather...but with a fictional twist. I'm hoping the more educated I become on self-awareness and spirituality the more I can understand and put into words what it is I am feeling. It's like being a baby and having ...

I've been blinded a little I think. I've been so concerned with trying to center myself. I see color, and I strive for happiness.  But I didn't take into consideration what this might look like. I ran into this problem a lot with my mom growing up. We would get into heated arguments about things and I would spout out "You can't be this upset about something so trivial" or..."I can't believe you have so much anger about this." Whatever 'this' may be. My mom would look at me with tears in her eyes and just shake her head. "Don't you care? What does it matter how small -YOU- think it is? Can't you just see for a moment how it affects -ME-?"  I am selfish. Sometimes the big picture doesn't matter. What does matter is how someone feels about something. I realize that me being happy and seemingly 'okay' is maybe a slap in the face. Maybe it makes it look like I don't care or never did. But that's not true. ...

I woke up this morning and I swear I heard a song. The thought made me smile sadly. My clothes are swallowing me whole. I can almost jog a whole mile without stopping now. I like the feeling of pushing my body to it's limits. It's true what they say...clears the mind. I don't get much sleep but the sleep I do get is completely consuming. I dream more. Sometimes it hurts to wake up. My piercing is healing nicely. It's still tender of course, seeing as it takes about 3-6 months to heal. I like it a lot though, except when I get it caught on my shirt or whack it with the phone. No pain, no gain..right? I finished everything up for the clinic (hope to have pictures soon) and I've also finished the father's day commission I was doing for someone. I really surprised myself with that one...took about 2 1/2 hours...usually I'm such a horrible procrastinator...takes me forever. I've discovered some great new music lately. Alanis Morissette's new album isn...

So this is INCREDIBLY rambly...just had to get some things out! Life is.... interesting I feel..... everything One moment I feel very adult-like. I have responsibilities, a career (even if it's one I don't like). I have bills to pay and I'm budgeting my money. I make wise choices and investments. I help people with their problems and I am a shoulder to cry on. I fix things and I'm in complete control. I know how the world works and I feel comfortable with that. In between this breath and the next I'm on my ass. Things aren't like that at all. Am I just fooling myself? Is it a coping mechanism for us because we are so programed to think that way? Do we really believe we have to be in control of everything? The world is constantly changing, like the ocean. We are constantly changing. I have a childlike desire to see and experience everything. Good or bad, it doesn't matter. I want to feel pain, extreme pain along with happiness and complete joy, e...