Frame of Reference

You know, the past couple of years I have been "anti-resolution", even anti "holiday" to a degree. I've been stuck in a rut, standing still and waiting for something or even someone to make a move. To get this life started again in a direction. I didn't care what direction. I didn't care to stand still even. It takes a lot of effort to move and what if I moved the wrong way, took the wrong path? I just maintained and didn't cause ripples. I didn't rock the boat and looked out for everyone else. If not financially then emotionally. I want this year to be different. I want to set goals and exceed them. I want to move, and it doesn't matter how or where I move. I just want to move!! Not moving is worse than moving in the wrong direction. Financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually. It's all going to change for me. I am very, very confident of that. I'm also going to keep track of it better. I want to learn from the past, not repe...

Wow, I've never come across this poem before. Good stuff. Invictus William Ernest Henley 1849–1903 Out of the night that covers me,  Black as the Pit from pole to pole,  I thank whatever gods may be  For my unconquerable soul.  In the fell clutch of circumstance  I have not winced nor cried aloud.  Under the bludgeonings of chance  My head is bloody, but unbowed.  Beyond this place of wrath and tears  Looms but the Horror of the shade,  And yet the menace of the years  Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.  It matters not how strait the gate,  How charged with punishments the scroll,  I am the master of my fate:  I am the captain of my soul.

"You've reacted enough for both of us." True. I just want and I know what I want. Just two of us for Christmas and I have to work. I'm really looking forward to the Holidays being over. I'm a little tired of the music and the decorations and the well wishes...every...single...day. I think it's just built up anticipation for a climax that is... I don't know. The house is delayed. My muse is teasing me.

It's a mystery to me, all that is going on in the world. I'm in the middle of procuring a house. It's stressful and hectic and it's going to have ripple effects that I can't even imagine at the moment. And in the midst of it, I picked up a Scientology book. Not because I want to join the religious group. It's because the only facts I have about that religion is what I have been fed from the media. It's time to figure out facts and form my own opinion. Just something that's always nagged at me. It wasn't exactly covered in my college religions class. Everything else seems on track. Schedule change for the new year. We will see what repercussions or benefits I gain from that, both physically and socially.

Is the house back on? It seems like they just won't take 'no' for an answer. Does that mean that maybe it's meant to be? That, possibly, the universe is doing something? I'm not sure I believe in all of that. But who is to say? Applying for a collateral duty that would look really swell on my yearly review and get me off of the floor. It's a situation where the government SHOULD be paying for this but isn't, however, I would get off of the floor. I'm going to see what it's all about. E.R. visit for my youngest nephew. 105 fever but nothing they could do for it. He is doing a lot better. They said he had a virus/throat infection. Which, I'm not sure you can have a virus AND an infection, but then again, not a doctor. Insane dreams on my side of the skull. I can't even begin to describe the vivid detail of these puppies. A trip for sure. Nothing x-rated, just crazy detail. For example : Last night I was in a mental institution such as ...

I loved getting an extra hour of sleep. I do not like it getting dark so fast at night. My mom and I were just talking about how neither one of us seem to have time to do much. The boys are so magnetic and draw us both into playtime and interacting. And you know what? Wouldn't change it for the world! House is gone, off the table. Contract rescinded. My foot, however, is becoming a problem. I need surgery again, but I'm not sure that's the fix all. It feels like something else is off with it.

Had one of my nose bleeds last night. Lasted a lot longer than usual, was getting kind of lightheaded. Large clot at the end, came down my throat. That was lovely. I think I managed to gross my loved ones out, always a plus! House is snagged at the moment. I want to walk away from it actually, but a part of me needs to see it through to the end, whatever that might be. Terror, terror, shooting on the news. The world is going crazy. I try not to watch all of the bad stuff and only get the headlines or necessary info from and for work purposes. Watched Band of Brothers. Cried like a baby. Asked my dad if he liked war movies. He doesn't. I kind of wish I could talk to him about his life... but alas. Baby steps. My main men ->

There is a lot of fear and a lot of doubts. It's as if there is a grey mist surrounding us. The world. People. Me. My family. It's possible that it's always there and we just happily ignore it. Not much we can do about it anyway, right? But sometimes it's hard not to get lost in the staring. I find myself staring and my mind plays tricks. Making shapes out of inanimate objects and my imagination goes wild. You think you see something only to have it disappear in a thicker fog. I'm not sure we are going to come out of this patch the same. I'm almost certain that we aren't. The whole thing makes me want to grab hands and hold on that much tighter. To scream at those around me that we should treasure right now. To look around. Look at each other. Admittedly I feel alone in this. I think it's my M.O. Pretty selfish of me to think that I am the only self aware one of the group. Yet it is only me staring into the tendrils of fog most times. Hands wil...

I think sometimes that more than luck is at play. The odds are in - For you or against you. I like lists and I like randomness My foot hurts and has been. Shoes or screws. I had a dream about Julia Roberts, but she looked like she did in Pretty Woman.

It's been a long time. A necessary catharsis. A moratorium of sorts. Put an offer on a house. JUST ME! By myself!! A good investment. I did a lot of research. But it's still crazy scary! ~Boredom with boys~ An art piece got accepted into a show at a completely different gallery. That's always cool. I need to figure out what the next show is and see if I can enter that one as well.

I stand before a parting of the road that I am on. It's not a choice of the one less traveled. It's a choice of learning, understanding, happiness, and joy. I must say that I think I have learned more about myself in the past two months than I have in years of introspection. I am the most self aware person that I know, that it borders on narcissistic. I know every freckle, every scar, every lump, bump, and twitch. It's my vessel for the rest of my life. I want to know how it works, what it's weaknesses are, what it's strengths are. I think I'm digressing. I meant to say I feel different. Is it fleeting? I still cry, but not as much.

I write about walls often. I think it's a very real metaphor for me. Its a means of protection and I think it always has been. I let my walls down for a select few. I get hurt and angry. Not at those people but at myself. At my vulnerabilities. I think it's a constant question of living in safety or living real. Feeling everything. Feel hurt, feel love, feel heartbreak, feel safety, feel like falling. I feel like I sometimes walk amongst the debris of my fallen walls. I think I sometimes look down at my bloodied hands and realize that I've been haphazardly putting them back up, cracks and all. Maybe they don't just protect me. Maybe they protect others from me.

Relationships are so incredibly beyond me. For Example: Bailey -> An incredible dog that we have had since she could barely walk and eat solid food. Loves us and loves my mother. Has recently shown aggression towards Caiden when he crawls towards her food bowl or when she's sleeping. It's not (serious) yet.  But it is quickly going that way. Like she doesn't care!! Wren -> Always threatened members of my family. Scratches and swats at any given chance. Eats the taste of fear for an appetizer. But lets Caiden pull out a fist full of fur and ALWAYS ALWAYS smacks him with her pads, absolutely NO CLAWS. Like she knows!! How freaking weird is that?? Gallery night is this friday. I think I'm going to go. Live it up! Meet people. I have my Octopus up. It's titled BLUE INK. Different from my normal style. A bit more... Tattoo-ish, per se. I am really proud of it. I'm starting another one already. One that I started a long time ago but instead of co...

I woke up to a ring around the moon, got in my car and Guns N Roses was playing Paradise City on Friday the Thirteenth. It turned out to be an interesting day. Noah has colic and severe acid reflux. I haven't been getting much sleep. They are both incredibly precious though. It's amazing to be there with Caiden when he's figuring everything out. I swear you can literally see his mind working and looking for the next thing and the next thing. I am going to be finished with my Octopus tomorrow. I hope to get it framed and in the gallery by next payday. On to the next one. Even dark places can produce things or moments of beauty.

There is a part of "Rules of Attraction" where one of the characters narrates his trip abroad. It's in fast forward and it's clips. Cliff notes on speed and shrooms at the same time. Sometimes, when I look back at my day or the week or the year, that's how it is in my head. Clips. Brief narration. Fast forward or slow motion. But it's all pushed together and it's almost as I'm a casual observer. I think I even add and splice and edit to my liking. Sometimes it's scary what I've made up for my childhood and what's really real. Apparently this isn't an uncommon thing. We are all guilty of taking parts of stories we've heard our parent's tell or friends tell and we add it to our memories. Still... Blue eyes stare back with pupils shrinking growing and shrinking never blinking Golden hair dirtied with browns mismatched and a jaw too tightly clenched with ruby kissed lips Naturally Another deep breath and scream secretly...

So one year apart. Actually 364 days, but still... a bit uncanny, don't you think? I'm tired. Go through the motions of a job. Go to school? Study what? Become this? A thought. Why can't we all do what we love? Because know one would love picking up garbage but it has to be done? Is this what the Romans dealt with at the beginning of civilization? Too much. We should all live on a ranch. Maybe. Not enough room? Enough room in one's heart to reconsider their opinions? Everyone is entitled.

Buffer? Maybe. Not even needed. Good times and great stories. Some I've never heard of. I'm a collector. Of Stories. In the past, not the future. I live in the now, however. Which is very hard for some people. Not in the now. In the when. And beef. No question of where it is.

I'm watching Blue Valentine. I'm listening to Caiden and Noah cry. Holly and matt yell at each other. Reading about Ben Sauer. Then listening about finances and relationships. Ashes and silence. Relationships and lack thereof. Michelle Williams is too good. It's too heavy. All of it. So heavy.

I think I say good morning at least 700 times a day. No exaggeration, no lie. I'm even accounting for my breaks and my downstairs time. So we if do double, at the VERY LEAST I say it 700 times.

It's been a crazy week. I haven't even had the worst of it. Hearts go out and yet still beat within. Happy Birthday. I passed my test with flying colors. Okay, a few colors ran together but still... I passed. I wanted to celebrate. I wished myself good luck and came through all on my own. No big deal. War of the fleas and feline UTI's. Downfall of spring. Sucks easter eggs, or clovers. Trix. The painting is proceeding. I got "talked to" because my cards at the gallery are printed on white paper and not card stock. I raise my brow in disdain at such rules in an ART GALLERY. We are free spirited, not to be held down by such petty rules. Besides, card stock is so antiquated. I should print them on card stock in rainbow colored ink. Rebel with a cause. The aunts get here on friday. I'm reminded of Practical Magic yet with more margaritas, less death, and more crazy. Probably less black but I just looked down and saw I'm wearing black shorts and a black...

My big test is tomorrow. The goliath of tests. I'm just the smaller man with the rock in the sling.

Zillow, Credit Cards, Circumcisions, oh, my! A great idea for a painting lives in my head. Yet, my fear makes my hands tremble at the thought of touching brush to canvas. How to overcome? How to find confidence and faith in silence. Basis of religion. Does anyone really ever hear a response when they pray, or is it faith? Pork chops, Potatoes, and broccoli. Top Chef, here I come! I could use the $10,000. In my dreams. Venice? Not for me but vicariously. Love always is? Or is it? A blistered nose and community service. Or is it letting someone in and having them feel involved? Who's responsibility does it become? Where is the invisible line between love and friendship?

He was born on April 28th, just one day away from being born on Caiden's birthday. I'm glad they weren't born on the same day. I still think a day is too close. In a very funny (albeit, tragic) twist of fate, there was a flood the day after he was born. Lots of destruction here and he almost didn't make it home from the hospital due to washed out roads and closures. (Noah). Also an oddness of the birth, witness the "True Knot" in his umbilical chord. Apparently they are rare and very scary because they could cut off nutrients, blood, wrap around the neck, etc. But sometimes... everything turns out okay. Wren is sick. She goes to the doctor tomorrow. I personally fear that she has been taken over by "Body Snatcher" like aliens. Long probes of unknown origins included. It's stomach turning. Test this week at work. I hate the stress it brings to everyone. It's undue. I need a new job. The suffering ended and that is good. The void le...

Sometimes I get lost in his eyes. I didn't think I could love another human being so much, so completely, and yet... here comes another little baby boy and my heart is already in protective, love mode. Who knew that boys would steal my heart? Isn't it ironic? And then sometimes shit happens. But it's all going to be okay. Family let's you down but they are family and love is unconditional. Friends are friends and whether they want to continue to be your friend is their choice. The world keeps turning and love keeps growing. Grass takes over burned ground. It can be a good thing if it's controlled. Test next week or tomorrow. Birth next week or tomorrow. Death next week or tomorrow.

It's funny how the negatives are so much easier to focus on than the positives. I am an addict for metaphors so I will "liken" it to ... being very sleepy, every nerve in your body screaming for sleep (positive) yet you focus on your brain and the thoughts (negative). Sometimes you should just listen to your body, not your brain or your heart. Just your body. It's the most basic thing that ties you to this world after all. Meta physicists would disagree, but I'm not one, so there's that. I dread going to work tomorrow. Isn't that sad? (negative)

I had a pretty decent birthday yesterday. Sweet gestures were done that made me feel loved by a lot of people. Great pizza and good beer. Next year it's sushi though, I don't care who is invited. With the good comes the bad, it is my family after all. I've found myself in this boat with these people many, many times, so I am hesitant to really say anything about it at all. The possible outcomes are as numerous as the stars in the sky. (Probably not that many, but I really love that metaphor). All any of us can do is wait to see what happens. Am I affected? Yes, but it is not my life path or choices to make and I believe I am semi on the right track. Enjoying the long hair, the 70 degree weather, and smiles from my favorite little boy. Oh, and pie. I am LOVING the chocolate pie.

I stare at the blinking cursor on a white page. Sometimes I invert the colors so the white turns to black, just to give the pretense of change. Sometimes I type words. A lot of them and then hold down the backspace key and watch each letter disappear faster than the one before it.

A new Love. LOST GIRL. Liquid in lungs, not so much!

Do you know what I think sucks?

I went to the doctor yesterday and besides my blood pressure being elevated, I got a good bill of health. I hadn't had an attack in a few weeks. The day after the doctor, I have one. Almost two. I saw the warning signs on my drive to work. I came upon a road construction site where a man stands with a stop sign until a lead car can come and get you to traverse this maze of neon orange cones. I waited for five minutes before I realized that I was making rude hand gestures at the man holding the stop sign. I watched the clock mocking me, each minute bringing me closer to being late. I made an angry and violent u-turn and found another, albeit -longer-, way to work. I told myself to be positive. I wasn't late. I found humor in small things and made polite conversations with almost everyone I talked to. I listened to my music when behaviors were rubbing me the wrong way. It was after my second break it hit me. I couldn't go to the bathroom, either. I was in kind of a stuck sp...

"All of the colors mixed together, make gray." Sometimes there is so much input. So much sensory input that your brain just sees grey. It times out. Can't make sense so it makes sense of what it can. A Fun Fact about me: I do NOT like drama. I do NOT seek it out and I do NOT create it. I do NOT revel in it and I do NOT take pleasure in it. I like simplicity. I always have. I like simple things in life. I like my surroundings to be simple. I think love is simple. I think that I make love so incredibly simple that it becomes complex. I love unconditionally. I will always love the ones I loved and I will always love the ones I will come to love. I do not love easily and I love whole heartedly. I want to be loved the same. Life is complicated. Love is not.

I've been on meds for a while now. It seems like it's been a couple of weeks, but maybe not quite. I think they have helped ... quiet me ... in a sense. I know that my issues can not be solved with pills. I know that I am going to need to solve them myself. However, they do seem to be helping me reach a state to make it possible to think about solving problems, if that makes any sense. I had an amazing week last week. I took two days off of work. Very much needed because I do feel that I am going a bit crazy. I enjoyed every moment of the reprieve, however, when I returned to work I felt that nothing had changed. Lots of thinking. Sometimes too much.

If I don't get a grip... Sometimes things can seem very overwhelming and I have a very strong tendency to think the worst or let myself spiral. It's so odd because I am a very smart person. I'm just not a rational person a lot of the time. Sometimes I laugh at the absurdity of luck or direction or paths. If I chose this, which I believe I did before I was born, to learn things... I had higher expectations then, then I do now. If that makes any sense whatsoever. And then sometimes I think... what if EVERYONE in my life were happy. Were secure and stable enough to deal with the problems without any input from me. Where would I be? Is that something that I depend on? Being able to help? What would I do if I didn't do that? Then I stop thinking because the answer terrifies me. I watched J.J. Abrams Super 8 today. It wasn't a great movie. Great for young adults, for sure, but my favorite part was the line the main character said when he's rescuing the girl and...

I had a WONDERFUL day! It didn't start out that way. My tolerance is zero, which is somehow leading to panic attacks, because I literally am unable to "walk away". which I really need to be medicated for. I've made an appointment for next week. It's a serious issue and I realize that. Came home and saw little man and then got ready for my first "hash". I was nervous and honestly almost chickened out twice. But man o man was it an awesome experience. I can't even compare it to anything except maybe a fraternity. Vulgar, running, trails, drunken songs, hazing, sexual innuendos, chalk drawings of penis and boobs and arrows. Changed articles of clothing mid run, there are beer stops, awkward hug stops. It's a huge sense of belonging that I never knew I was missing. I think we covered a good 5 miles over a couple of hours though. We got lost several times. I am ssooo sore, but it's such a good kind of sore! Such a good good kind.

You know, you think you need closure from something. You need one moment. One sentence that you can keep. You can wrap it up and take it down like a beloved book and open it up, whenever you want to, just to remind yourself that it's over. Because we forget. We all forget. And we can tell ourselves lies, but it's not lying because we don't feel it it's the truth. When my house burned down, I knew it was gone. I didn't see it disappear though. The last thing I remember is flames coming from the vent, then the window. I remember walking in my socks over snow. I remember not being able to see anything and my sister yelling. A lot. How did our dog get to us? I remember silence. I remember sitting in an ambulance. So I had to go back. I had to go back and see it. And the first time it was still smoldering. There was framework left and smoke rising and appliances. So I had to go back again, because my heart didn't believe it. My brain did. My brain is very smart. ...

Sometimes a day is an uphill battle. Sometimes an ally is found in the last place you think. It's bad enough when a storm rages inside of yourself. It's worse when it rages outside with insults and words and actions being hurdled like meaningless debris. Fragments take flight and just when you think you're losing your grip, someone makes eye contact and says "Me too" and smiles. That's it. That's all it takes. That's all it took.

I finally received my new phone! It only took 4 days longer than it should have. First world problems, though, right? I couldn't be beyond more thrilled. I'm also tickled because it's my mothers first time having a smart phone. She has a tablet already, so the transition is not horrible. I think I wanted it for her because of the pictures. We send pictures of Caiden back and forth through our family almost daily, and now she can really see them. And really take them herself, on her phone, and send them to us. It makes me smile. And she can access facebook. She's been away from her friends... almost since Caiden has been with us. I'd like for her to connect more easily when she is out. I'm going to shave Bailey's butt. As I was typing the above paragraph, I noticed her fighting with dingle berries. It's not her fault that it's fucking below freezing and her winter coat is growing out of her ass. We really need three day weekends. The first day (Satu...

I am really digging the song "Pale Shelter" that Tegan and Sara covered. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtO9W6s3SBM "And I can't operate on this failure When all I wanna be is completely in command" ~Tears for Fears Getting some medical stuff done. One test came back normal. Fingers crossed that everything else does as well! Little man is doing very well. He's getting a bit willful, which is to be expected. He's very quiet and reserved 80% of the time, then he gets into these fits where he will scream and make himself giggle or he will babble nonstop or chase Bailey through the house. Kind of reminds me of me. Tomorrow is the first gallery night of the year. I'm a bit inspired and I actually inspired another artist at the gallery. It was all around.... inspiring.

Kind of sad when the highlight of the day is going to the dentist. No cavities for me. Although I got a weird recommendation to use a kid's toothbrush because I have a "smaller" mouth. I was slightly embarrassed but I suppose it makes sense. Whatever it takes to keep me from having fillings and such, I'm on board. Tomorrow is the reception/art show. I stupidly waited until the last minute to try some abstract paintings in order to fill in my empty spaces. We will see how well this works out for me, it's not looking great so far. Going to be a lllloonnnggg day tomorrow.

It was a bit of a rough day today. Work environment isn't great. I don't think anyone is happy... about anything it seems. I try to joke around with them. Make our chats to fill the empty spaces NOT about work, but it always circles around. That's when music comes in. I was almost 3 thousand miles over my "limit" to get my car maintenance done. I have a lot of things coming up so I scheduled it for today. I didn't plan it or what happened. They said it would take two hours at the least. But I did get to see FROZEN with my favorite five year old on the planet. I love his giggle. I love his questions and his theories about how the world works. I just love existing in the same space as him. Makes everything a little brighter. My favorite moment? He had me roll down the window so he could make the "blinker noise" with his tongue when we were turning. My other favorite man, the eight month old, is sick. He's very hoarse and it makes me wince every...

There is a possibility that the wind chill tomorrow evening will be between 7 and 0 degrees. I actually can't believe I'm writing it because that all that people are talking about and I'm a tad sick of hearing about it. I suppose I'll forget in the months or years to follow and it might be slightly entertaining to look back and read. Maybe not. Could be as droll then as it is now. I sold the cat drawing today. Butterfly Kisses. It's surreal to imagine someone walking in to their house and their sits something that I created. Something that someone likes. I don't know, I kind of freak out if I think about it too long. I'm in the middle of an abstract piece right now. It's funny, I really like doing abstract but I don't put much stock in them. I think of them as "filler". I'm taking my time with this one, like a good book, I don't want to reach the end. I want this semi-content feeling to last as long as possible. Bed head is ...

I had a nightmare. It was movie worthy, really. I found myself in a small cabin. I remember shaking my head as if to ask myself if this was real. It was too surreal. The sky was too purple/black. The stars too perfect and the corn fields outside too eerie. I turn around and every motion that I make is in slow motion. A supervisor from work is in the cabin with me. It's his cabin. He used to be a preacher. This is significant. I just.. I can't remember why. He's agitated and worried but trying his best not to let it show. I turn my head back to the window that I was looking out of. I see cornfields. They aren't moving right. There is something in the corn (like the movie "Signs") but it's evil, not extraterrestrial, like demon evil, a la children of the corn. My dream self even half smirks because it's too perfect. I turn my attention back to the cabin and my boss. He's walking around, doing something I'm not paying much attention to. There is ...