Frame of Reference

It should have rained today taken the tension out of the air in tendons Saturated typeface How words are just made up lines and feet that never walk anywhere Not like my heart that speaks without letters or my eyes that sees things between meanings Words have none It's the actions behind them - that's a lie The actions are staring right at you the past clouds eyes like steel lashes You can't even trust what you see Because you're heart keeps whispering unspoken fears of past wrong doings Patience is a word you don't want to hear or read or maybe even see Even disbelieve apologies, just a word Meaningless How many times did she tell him to leave you think I will never be half the man but I can be Inspired in a way Tell me you're in this too

I'm not sure why I am writing. I've literally been writing all fucking day. I wrote an email to withdraw from classes and drop out of school. I wrote an incalculable amount of texts to my boss, my mother, a  friends. Looking for advice, quitting my job, getting invited to a retirement party, asking about a cross-continental adventure. You know what? Life goes on. It will keep going on and it's not going to stop and wait for me to make a decision. No one is going to be effected if I leave... except me. I wanted this. I set this goal of getting a degree and I'm getting in my own way of that. I have to stop expecting people to be decent human beings, decent parents, decent friends. They have no problem with how they are, why am I making it my problem? Because I fucking care. Because I have a bleeding heart. Because I expect so much from myself. So I started writing my report. Writing the emails that apologized for skipping out on class. Taking back my withdrawal. Writi...

Sometimes your best isn't enough. You don't like your situation so you change it. You don't like your attitude so you see things differently. And it's not enough. Today was rough. Tomorrow.... well tomorrow is going to be worse. Some hard decisions. God... I wish things would have worked out differently.

I wouldn't have asked if it wasn't a last resort. I guess I didn't really ask anything that wasn't theoretical. Worked out though. Storms are beautiful when they are raging. Cars aren't so bad. I hate being the first one, just tired. Never give up, never surrender. Deep breaths and keep kicking!! Remain positive even when people are being shitty. People can be very shitty. That's not on me though. I can only control how I react to it and how it affects me. Very cool pictures to come. The boys have become my life. Which I was just recently told: "They aren't yours. You need to live your own life." I didn't even respond. Maybe they are right, maybe they are wrong. I know I absolutely have no time whatsoever to take on another 'venture' but I would really like to do some photography. I'm coming into some used equipment and I love the idea of candid shoots (not portraits) of the little one's. I know it probably wo...

Skipped out on school. Just not feeling well. Kind of burning the candle at both ends. A semi recap of the past couple of days... One of the best books I've read in a really, really, long time!! I don't say that lightly, because I read a lot of freaking books. The only gripe, which is a bit.... morbid and twisted.... is that I didn't know that it wasn't a true story until the end. I would never wish cancer on ANYONE, however, I was so rooting for this amazing character, only to find out that it was completely fiction...  But still. So well written. Awesome, Awesome book!! This is a day in the life of Caiden. I hope to do one with Noah very soon. Ice cream for breakfast. Chips and dip for lunch. Swimming all day. Window shopping with Aunt Cherie. Looking through aquariums. Chinese Food. Comic Book stores. Aunt Danita. Wore that baby out!!! My aunt, after talking and playing with Caiden asks.. "So Caiden is your brother?" I've never felt such ...

Sometimes days run together and sometimes minutes crawl. Still having a bit of anxiety but I think I'm dealing with it better. Getting pulled in a lot of directions but it's nothing that I'm not allowing to happen. I have to get rid of this martyr complex. We are all just works in progress after all, I suppose. I never realized how awkward I am socially. I always knew that I was quiet and shy. Holy hell though, as I am trying to socialize more it's becoming glaringly obvious just how awkward I can be. Exhibit A: Sitting in the guard shack my coworker and I notice two birds on the power line. "Oh look, they are flirting!! He's trying to get her attention. How cute." I said. "How do you know?" He asks. "One is brown and one is red...that's how it works in nature, the male is always more colorful and usually bigger. She's stoic and he's dancing." I laugh And I should have stopped there.... but no!! "Except the angl...

I read “The Light of the Fireflies” by Paul Pen during my VERY short break. To say that it is a good story is kind of an understatement. It’s told from the point of view of a 10-year old boy locked in a basement with his family who are horrifically scarred from a fire. The boy wasn’t born when the fire happened, so he is not scarred. I recommend it. Makes the reader question the limits and definition of family. First day of class. I’m thinking it’s going to be intense, as summer classes usually are, being condensed. I think I will be alright though. I think everything will be alright. No matter what happens. Some stories aren't meant to have happy endings, sometimes they are so good you just keep re-reading them and a lot of stories haven't even been written yet, or might not ever be written. I just can't shake the feeling that my story is.... I don't know. I know where I want it to go. I KNOW what I want.

I had a pretty detailed and vivid dream. One I can't shake. I wrote it all down and then thought better of it. Triple guessing misconceived manipulation tactics. Old dog, new tricks and such. I think if I were to die tomorrow, I would want to ask her why and kiss the ones I love. It's just... so...I just never thought it would have ever ever have happened, not by her. DEEP BREATH AND KEEP KICKING!!! This song is so beautifully sung… the video is incredibly cheesy though. Top on my playlist right now. https://youtu.be/1XEkXvUp8VM

When you fail your chemistry class by 2 percentage points, get a huge medical bill in the mail because you went when you THOUGHT you had insurance and get phone calls from a collection agency from a bill you completely forgot about and you chose to change your job to something that makes over 6 dollars less.... what do you do? Why, you laugh and hug the cutest little boys around and keep going. It's all we can do. I don't think it's the failures and mistakes we make in our life that define us.. it's how we recover and pick ourselves up, if we ever do.

Regret Changed the blade on the lawnmower by myself today. Very cool to get chased by two little boys with no shirts on at the beginning of summer while you're mowing the yard and they are squirting you with squirt guns. I really let myself down in one of my classes. I tried my hardest though, just wasn't good enough, not for me anyway. I miss them. Nick. Driving, school, dating. Does he still like transformers? Does his beagle still watch his six? A lot of rough stuff. Depression, not me. Family. I don't understand it. I wish that I did. Quiet the anger and frustration that lives inside of me. The helplessness. Just wake up...

I don't think I'm the same person that I was at the beginning of the year, definitely not last year, and far removed from the girl who loved working at Jake's and driving along the water's edge after a long shift, stopping for a drink of Chimay and worried about trackers. I think we all change, a lot. This song resonated with me and I think it works both ways. My perspective and then kind of aimed at me too....  Classic example of me reading into things, but in a way it makes life beautiful. Seeing beauty even in sadness. I'll stay away Don't have to face this It's my mistake And no one' s business I am trying not to want to hurt her, trying not to start this up again She's in my way And no surprises It' s been a day Somehow survived it Still I'm trying not to want to hurt her, trying not to start this up again It's the last thing that I need right now Someone to bring me down I've got a rule I made up now, we moved out No way, no ...

My small break from classes. I just THOUGHT I was leaving. That'll teach me, don't make rash decisions. Oh well, no one was harmed in the making of it I suppose, so there's that. "Some peoples bad karma container capacity is astounding!!" ~ Adrienne You gotta make yourself laugh sometimes.