Frame of Reference

This week has been crazy. I don't really have time to think. I kind of love it though. The feeling of being productive and putting in the work for an end goal is satisfying. I only wish I had more hours in the day to hang with the boys. The youngest survived his first week and the oldest is going on over two weeks now. He still says he doesn't like it, but I think he does when he's there. Bit of a mystery with the father, not sure if he went to rehab or if he changed his mind at the last minute. More to come on that. I just don't know. My feelings constantly fluctuate with that male human. Feeling a bit angry this week at my sister. Siblings are supposed to be your team. They are supposed to be there for you when your parents get old and pass. I guess there are a lot of "she was supposed to". I know it will pass and change into something else but that's where I am now. I also find myself short on patience with people. Kids talk in school about their pro...

School has started for me along with my first day of the internship. I thought I'd have more to write, but... I seem to be lacking in that. Suffice to say, I'm so grateful for my past. I learned a lot, embarrassed myself a lot. I wouldn't change anything. I can honestly say now I wouldn't go back to it either, or the people.

I can say this much: When things aren't permanent, or guaranteed, it really makes a person value each and every moment. The good and the bad. All you can do sometimes is take comfort in the fact that what you're doing is right. That you haven't hurt anyone and you have no intention of causing harm or hurt. Sometimes the business of life can get in the way of seeing all of the good in everything. We have reason to be happy and those are the moments that should fill our minds and hearts. Not the fear or the past. I've gotten in the habit of telling them memories when they say they want to see their mommy. Sometimes it's in the form of playing songs on youtube that she loved, or looking at videos that she took of them, pictures. Sometimes we even talk to her at bedtime or in the car. He especially liked telling her about school and that he did not like waking up early. I know it will fade. It's inevitable. Kids are so resilient.

Living in fear is the worst feeling on the planet. Panic attacks are pretty awful but they are fleeting in comparison. This is an emotion that weighs on you, has you jumping at every car door, looking out of the window every 30 seconds. "Battle for the boys". Those are the words handed to us, to me, to her. Officially a court record from 8/10 on. This is not what Holly wanted. They aren't mine, do I have a right to fight? I told my mother. She's just as scared as I am. I need non fear. Confidence. It's a lonely place.

I think I might have compartmentalized certain things. I've tucked them away in a box and shoved them on a shelf. I have no idea what to think, say, or do about it, therefore... We play. School started, that's a fun experience. Finances? Just another fun ball to juggle. Officially rearranged school. I will still be going full time: 14 hours. I'm also going to fit in an internship and my job. 3.5 months of craziness to ensue. I say, bring it on.

There are moments of sentimentality and they add up, sprinkled over moments of quiet and somber memories. I don't think we just 'let go'. It's a decision that's made, for sure, but I think we let go a little bit at a time. I think we can regress and pull back parts we let go. Maybe, when we let them go again it isn't so hard. I'm so nervous about next week. His whole life is going to change and it's awesome and scary. I woke up to an email stating that I've been recommended for an internship at FDEP. I filled out the paperwork. We will see. So many things are in flux and some things don't seem that important and other things seem way more important. Such is life, right?