Frame of Reference

Its all about .... checking out. My system is on autopilot. I've switched off and I'm looking out of the window. I keep telling myself that I just have to make it through this. It's just temporary. Now I just have to start believing it

I survived. That's really all.

In a little over 4 hours, it will have officially started. I'm having those same panicky thoughts that I've had before. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? The restaurant people contacted me. They said they missed me and congratulations and asked if I was coming back anytime soon. A part of me wrote a text back that said 'yes'. But I just looked at my phone and the blinking cursor for a few minutes before turning the screen black and slipping it into my pocket. What am I doing? I listen to music. Fun. Some Nights. "Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck". "Some nights I wish my lips could make a castle." I watched the music video for Alanis' new song "Guardian". It reminded me of my grandmother. It also reminded me of Natalie Merchant and the 90s. I watched the music video for Pink's new song "Blow me one last kiss". I liked the part when she was in a suit, dancing. It mostly made me squint because the ligh...

Well, I made it. I made it through 7 days of grueling, brain sucking, data processing, knowledge learning. It wasn't horrible. It wasn't like school though. Whatever it was, I made it. I passed. I am incredibly proud of myself. I think my family is too. They tell me they are anyway. I guess its narcissistic, but, I mean, maybe I expected more excitement from my peeps? I think they were more excited on opening night of Magic Mike than the day I officially became an officer. Oh well. Maybe after high school graduation, any sort of achievement is a tad anti-climactic. I met with a client yesterday. I'm going to be painting a mural in a nursery. Finally. We will see how that turns out... especially since my mornings are going to be starting at 245 a.m. now.

I still have three more days of class, however, testing starts tomorrow. I haven't had so much information crammed into my head in a long time. Especially visually. I'm on information overload, not to mention emotional. So I'm going to abandon everything. I'm pressing pause. I'm going to look at silly things, watch funny movies, and craft. So here are my "Try no to smile" contributions. I absolutely hate those family stickers. But in this case, pure genius! Go New Jersian! I will admit, I actually laughed out loud at this one!! This reminds me more of .... people that I know. But I've run into this tear jerker of a problem a few times myself. I have hit NOT TODAY or LATER for like, a year now.

Its odd how light can affect emotions so entirely. How, when the sun goes down, things feel different, on a visceral level. As soon as the sun comes up, it changes. We view it differently. I think nights are dark for me. No pun intended. It's hard and its stormy. I think I survive nights. I unconsciously breathe a sigh of relief when daylight is registered by my eyes. Even the grayest, dimmest, shade of sun is a ray of hope. Of a new beginning. As soon as the lights go off, I get tense. My body is just waiting, hoping, rushing the night. It doesn't make it come any faster though. Maybe we are all just waiting...

Well, the first day of class is officially over and under my belt. It was about as awful as I thought it would be. Lots of inane questions, lots of tangents. What could have been a 5 hour class was stretched to 8. The positive side? Only six more days. Then I have 60 hours of training before I can get certified. Why am I doing this again? I jest ... mostly. I wanted to tell the girls making up theoretical situations and wondering what we would do if certain situations presented themselves to stop! I wanted to say "How about we cross bridges when we get to them instead of diverting rivers and building imaginary ones?" Then I thought, WOW ... I should write that down. So I did. And then I proceeded to doodle about 50 geometric diamonds on my notepad. 

My sleep pattern is mightily screwed up. The night before last, I woke up every hour, almost on the hour, like clockwork. Each time I looked at the clock, I knew for sure that it was time to wake up, but only sixty minutes had passed from the previous time I had looked. Last nigh I woke up at least 4 times from a very deep sleep to pee. It's insane. I feel more frustrated than I should though. I think it's because my throat is sore and I know that not getting enough sleep can lower your immune system. I read somewhere that you shouldn't get mad at your body or brain because it will make any symptoms that you might be exhibiting even worse. It'd be like yelling back at a bully in school. If you give them attention then it will only get worse. So here is me, loving my body and it's decision to not sleep well.

I think that our human ability to forgive and to accept and to change our minds is a fault, to a point. When someone has hurt you, and yet twenty minutes later you are okay with that person, what does that say? I don't understand. I want to and at the same time, I do not want to. Sometimes not knowing how something works is better. Another defense mechanism we all have, I suppose. If we knew, if we had that knowledge, then we wouldn't have hope. It's kind of like believing in Mr. Clause. Wow, I am WAY too deep for it to be four in the morning. Snap out of it!!

I've become Zooey Deschanel's in Failure to Launch. There is a Mockingbird harassing my cats. Just one. All day. To the point where they are afraid to go outside. They creep low to the ground and the bird dive bombs them. It's not funny. I'm going to chase that bird away. I've been shooting at it with plastic bb's but I'm going to have to up the ante. I try to tell the cats that they are bigger, they can totally take the bird. But this isn't a normal bird. This bird is on a mission and nothing will distract it's attention from it's mission. Stupid bird focus. It's to the point where I will leave my meal untouched if I hear the screeching of this psycho fowl. The terror is still present. So is the itching tension that sits right beneath my skin. What have I done? I just have to see it through. I have to stick to SOMETHING in my life. I can do this. But why? Life is short. Ugh, fuck.

What is in a word? How can one word describe something so totally. I suppose it's like the word "love". The word today is "ABJECT" used in conjunction with TERROR. Conjunction Junction what's your function? ab ject  |ˈabˌjekt; abˈjekt| adjective 1  [  attrib.  ]  (of a situation or condition) extremely bad, unpleasant, and  degrading   :  abject  poverty. •  (of an  unhappy  state  of   mind )  experienced  to the maximum degree  :  his letter plunged her into abject  misery . •  (of a  failure ) absolute and  humiliating .

I'm feeling panicked and claustrophobic. Everything inside of me is second guessing and rebelling. I'm trying to talk myself down. I try to tell myself to take it moment by moment. It's fine. So many people would kill for this. But not me. I crave freedom. I'm trying to be grown-up about it. SUCKS! Fword times a thousand.

I've forgotten what it feels like to go through the process of having one's body adapt to things. A new workout schedule, a new diet, a new sleep pattern, etc. I've forgotten what it feels like to wake up at 3:45 in the morning. My body hasn't adapted. I'm floundering a bit. I find myself looking up more and more. I watch the clouds. I look at the stars. I turn my face towards the rain. My eyes chase the lightening. I turn the volume up louder. I just wonder ... I feel incredibly vulnerable. Time to restock the bricks and invest in cement.

After the novelty of wearing a uniform wears off, one realizes, it is very hot under all of the "cool" factor. I'm more nervous today than I was on Tuesday.

I wish I could turn around without feeling like I've done something wrong. Can you even see yourself? I keep looking at the moon and thinking of the mice. Every night. I look for refuge in all of the wrong places. Even music gets lonely. I wish it wasn't so easy for people to hurt. I wish it wasn't so easy for people to hurt me because they are hurt by something else. I wish that I knew how to change that. Desert of Sadness by DJ Dado

Well, I did it. I took the oath and everything. It was a bit odd and surreal. Very casual and laid back. It's frustrating when you are in a group because there is always going to be that one person that asks WAY too many stupid questions and gets the speaker off on this tangent that isn't even relevant to what is being said. I hate it when that happens. I bet that lady tacked on two hours of unnecessary time to the whole shebang. The timing is all nebulous. I really have no idea what is going on. It seems like for a place that is founded on procedure and organization that there would be a little bit more information to give us newbs. Oh well, I guess you earn the right to know. Unfortunately the other person that was supposed to go with me to my specific destination dropped out. So I'm riding solo. I don't know if that is going to be a blessing or a curse. I don't even really know what is going on. Signs keep coming and tempers keep flaring. I'm trying my bes...

It didn't end how I expected it to. I thought there would be more fanfare, more acknowledgement, more... something. There wasn't. There were no hugs, no cake, no whip cream to the face. Five years and a quiet exit through the back door of the kitchen. The more I think about it, the more I think how appropriate that is. I left how I came ... silently. I'm so nervous about tomorrow. My head is full of such conflicting thoughts and emotions. I keep hearing and seeing signs. It's frustrating. It's frustrating not knowing the future. A car accident happened in my rearview mirror on Friday. I watched it unfold in slow motion. I am so lucky that I didn't get hit. It's almost eerie how I didn't. A domino rear end. A lot of strange things are happening. I try to be realistic but keep an open mind. It almost feels like someone or something is really really trying to get my attention though.