Frame of Reference

I've been getting lost in their eyes lately. I think I'm trying to escape from the stress of school, bills, life... I love them so much and I find myself wrapping that love around me like a blanket. They are something I never knew that I wanted, that I needed. I don't know if it's going to last. This all could be fleeting and that makes me cherish it even more. Every moment. Sometimes... in their eyes, I see her. Maybe I tell them that they are amazing too often, because I wished I could have told her that more. When they see something beautiful and they are shocked into silence, I hope she sees it too. I don't think that I could have done things differently.... But I wish that things had worked out differently. It didn't. So I choose happiness not in what did happen but what IS happening and what WILL happen. This reminds me of her. I'm not crying, you're crying:   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpQn-vPTnH8

Thunderstorms most of the night led to some pretty beautiful, almost apocalyptic skies this morning.

"Overwhelmed" is the word of the day. Just feels like things keep coming at me and I'm swinging and hitting home runs but my arms are getting tired. I wasn't prepared and no one said "go". I gave little man my sickness and that is the worst feeling in the world. If I could take it back, I so would. I would be sick forever to prevent him being sick one day. BC (biological contributor) is back in the picture. Jury is out on if that's good or bad. At least he's got 3 hots and a cot as they say. Officially applied to graduate. That's an indescribable feeling. I must keep my L-Membership active so I decided I'm going to fix my refrigerator, by myself... next week. I had to order a part. We shall see how that works out. I am currently rotating towels at the bottom and I'm getting tired of it. I also have the freezer duct-taped shut. I know. It needs a fixin'. Not a very productive day for me. I felt I was playing defense when I usually...

I started to write about my day, the past couple of days. The field work that I've been doing, how I just simply spaced a survey I was supposed to take for a class. How my strep and ear infection are doing.... but at the end of the day, all I got: I make some fucking AMAZING cookies. I do that really well!!!

I think the movie, "The Breakup" is one of the funniest, saddest, most realistic movies out there. That line always gets me, "Let's call this what it is". Well, I am calling this wrecked. I am beyond wrecked at this point. I can't even move my head. Pretty positive that I have strep again but too poor to go to the doctor. Driving home after a 16 hour day was a nightmare. But I made it, and the weather was beautiful. I was grateful to step outside when I started freezing. I'm grateful I was in a position to not do much mentally or physically. So, after dead bodies and burning the candles at 6 different ends... I'm calling it. I'm dropping out of school and quitting my job. I'm going to stay in bed for 4 days straight. I'm only going to get up to pee and hydrate. At least, that's what I'm going to tell myself until my alarm goes off at 5:45am tomorrow morning. I might even bring a blanket and just cocoon myself and stare menacing...

He did great. Woke up angry and confused but slept most of the way home. I'm seeing some blood pooling under his eyes and it makes my hackles stand up. Was the dentist too rough?? Did he hurt my little man?? I will find him and I will hurt him, lol. I think it's pretty normal with upper teeth being removed though. He is super emotional tonight. I am loving the cuddles though. The elder lady also got the tube taken out. Spirits are much better, considering. I am sitting in the blue chair that is called key lime. So delicious. Oh right, a paper is due by 9... it might just be that much better.

It's the night before little man's surgery. We are 3 hours from home and I am a bundle of nerves. I don't like this but I know it's necessary. Someone found themself incarcerated. 😐 I wish things were different. Very sad. I know they are going to be okay, it will all be okay. What does one do when they are on duty during post hurricane ghost port watch? This: I've got a thing for glasses.

Today was hard. I watched the sunset and recharged a little bit. Beautiful. It's nice to get lost in beauty.  I had another a dream. While not terrifying, I shall choose to keep it to myself. Self-respect and all that.  What will Nate bring? We shall see.

Just survived this crazy, hectic week. Well, I do have to get through tomorrow which is looking to be an adventure. Storage tanks in Okaloosa County, then work. 16 hour days are no fun. Just got word they cancelled school because of TS Nate. Awesome!! I just hope it doesn't interfere with surgery day. Drainage tube is still in and still lots of pain for the matriarch. Every day is better. All I can say is that my family is doing a lot of spiritual growth this year. Not the religious kind, the existing kind. The processing loss, and tribulations, and still showing kindness when it isn't returned. Earned Not Given I'm really digging "Here's to Us" by Ellie Goulding, however, it totally reminds me of George Michael's "Last Christmas". Awkward.

She's not where they want her to be. They had to put her on oxygen and her hemoglobin levels are too low. There is a drainage tube and it just keeps draining. White blood count is okay though, that's a relief. They are keeping her another night. I'm trying to focus on what needs to be done. My school work, the boys, dinner, etc. I'm trying NOT to have flashbacks and comparisons to my sister. I know that sounds really dramatic but that's where my mind goes. If the word sepsis gets used I'm going to flip my shit. I have an exam tomorrow. I've been studying as much as I can but as far as retention... I don't think it's sticking. I just keep re-reading the same things.