Frame of Reference

I didn't go I think I put down the flag Inadvertently My heart hasn't caught up still stand in the line of fire still takes shots like a soldier But soon I think it will Soon isn't soon enough The flag wasn't white It was yours Painted with understanding and striped with love I don't remember asking For you to put me above We find ourselves here so here we must prevail In our own right In our own way Therapy 109 Evan has been under Dr. Ryelle's care for more than a month. Everything that has been done has been outside of her "comfort" zone per se. An organization approached her, promising her limitless monetary donations and cutting edge technology. The word Nobel prize was thrown around. Looking back, she let her ego decide. Who wouldn't have though? She had nothing holding her back. No family. Her career was her love and she was obsessed with it's progress. The mind.  When she saw Evan on the tabl...

I don't know why, for sure, this just touched me. Work with no pay equals horrible moral. I'm not looking forward to working with my fellow employees. Should declare a moratorium on all such talk. It's the polite that gets me. So much I don't understand. So much that feels uncomfortable. So much that I am curious about that I DO NOT WANT TO BE CURIOUS ABOUT. A lot that I am happy about. A lot that I feel good about. Therapy 108 Dr. Ryelle responds, "And might I remind you, sir, what is at stake with Ms. Evan's precarious hold on life itself? She is holding on with tooth and nail to what we call sanity, as it is. A more aggressive simulation could kill her at worst and drive her insane at best. Especially after what she's been through, I am appalled that you would even suggest it. Sir."  She turns to walk away to check an instrument that is beeping incessantly. Her white surgical coat floats in the air like a magician's cape. A strong...

Rough Day. Every day is a good day. I am physically doing awesome. I have a roof and food and a loving family. There are so many people out there who have it so bad. I have no room to complain, and yet... I hate seeing those that I love in turmoil. I hate fighting and stress and tension. I love my little man and I love sleeping with him at night and taking naps and I love being the only person in his world if only for a few hours. Just him and me. I got my wrappings wet. Therapy 107 I had a couple of hours before "my ass" had to report for work. Enough time to make my appointment with the therapist. Me:  Polite Th:  Polite? Me:  Yes. That's all we have.  Th:  Were you not polite before? Me:  Of course we were! That's not what I mean! It's just, that's IT! Do you know what I mean? Th:  Obviously I don't. Help me to understand. Me:  ... I don't understand either. I don't understand what it is going on. Th:  Do you t...

I woke up dehydrated. My lips were cracked and my head was pounding. Think I'm on my fifth bottle of water. All filled from filter not five actual bottles. Save the planet and all that. Got a lot accomplished at house. Every day that goes by I feel more and more proud. It's so NEAT for lack of a better word. Therapy 106 The table was empty when I got out of the shower. I wasn't surprised and was honestly thankful. As I towel dried my hair I meandered throughout my house looking for Wren. I hope she ran outside or is under the bed. I swear to god that if she starts disappearing at whim then I really will find myself in a padded cell. Which might not be so bad. Three squares plenty of sleep. The theme song to COPS scares me out of my reverie. I stupidly grab my phone without looking at the caller. "Evan? It's Greg." SHIT!! SHIT! shit. "I'm glad you took this call. It was going to be the last one. You've been fucking avoiding this s...

A great book. I want to write an Amazon review, just need to get my words together. A little techy and a little sci-fi. I wanted Harper to be more.... I dunno, she started out amazing and ended up a bit girly, but I can kind of relate to that as well. I really liked this book. Would highly recommend it and in fact have! Can't wait to see what the parental unit thinks. Got a lot of shopping done. It's going to be a slow process and I am okay with that. I want to be smart and make good decisions. I think I've got bathroom stuff for right now. I'm excited. I want to figure stuff out on monday, get things moving and grooving!! I am ready. The focus on something different has really helped me. I just hate that I've had a broken foot, but I'm working around that as well. As much as I feared that this move would tear my family apart, I think (and hope) that it's drawn us a bit closer together. Everything is good and will be good!! Therapy 105 I woke up t...

Evan sat up in bed and rubbed the back of her neck. It was still dark outside but that meant nothing. Her day started hours before sunrise. The time for lovers and vampires , she thought to herself. Her eyes darted to the bedside table where her cell phone usually resided, charging, but it wasn't there. She sighed sleepily and reached blindly under her pillow and then the pillow next to her. Coming up empty handed she dove under the covers and searched the entire bed. The darkness wasn't helping but she was too tired and it was too cold to get out of bed and turn the light on. Wren, her tortoiseshell feline friend and only bed companion, meowed her displeasure at being disturbed. A few second later Evan's head pops out from under the covers and she leans over the bed, the top of her head resting on the floor. Success! She picks up her phone and turns it over to check the time. The display remains dark. The battery dead. She growls, and still upside down, reaches for t...

Evan let the door to her therapist's office slam behind her. She knew it was a pet peeve of Lynns and that knowledge brought her a sense of passive aggressive satisfaction. She reached into her pocket and unwrapped her headphones and picked a song with heavy drums and angry lyrics. If she couldn't express her anger then her choice of music sure as hell could. Traffic was heavy and Evan found herself growling under her breath more than once. The music shifted to a softer melody and with it her mood mellowed. She glanced in the rear view mirror to check the adjoining lane so that she might pass the exceptionally slow motorist in front of her. Instead of seeing a car filled road her eyes locked with eyes of burnt amber. Evan returned her gaze to the traffic in front of her and took a deep breath and then another and then another. She calmly pulled the headphones from her ears and looked in the mirror again. "Why do you still insist on seeing a therapist and spilling all o...

I wouldn't wish for a couch, but these chairs are a bit formal and could be a lot more comfortable. My eyes scan the bookshelf for the 57th time. Th:  You don't seem to be adjusting very well. Me:  No, I'm not. It wasn't my choice. Th:  Are you angry? Me:  Sometimes. Not as angry as I was last week and I don't think I will be this angry next week. Th:  That's a healthy outlook. Why do you think that is? Me:  Resignation. It's also the natural evolution of things, isn't it? Th:  It can be, yes. Each individual processes things differently though. I smirk, which doesn't go unnoticed. Th:  What's funny? Me:  We must have said that "We are just different people" a thousand times. Th:  Ah. Me:  Guess you had to be there. Th:  In the past you mentioned that you would do anything and everything to keep the lines of communication open. Why is it different now? Me:  I think I've grown up. I was lying in bed the ot...

I completed five straight days of work. Mostly sitting, granted, but I still consider it an accomplishment. My foot is swollen and hurts like a bitch though. I keep getting sharp pains where I can only imagine the pin is hitting the side of the cast. Luckily, tomorrow, I go to have my stitches removed and am getting it re-wrapped. I think that will help tremendously. Fingers crossed. I vow that I will NEVER have another Valentines Day like this past one. EVER. A stumbling block in the house department... again. Not going to let it get me down though. Going to get educated and figure this out. I think, where emotions are concerned, mine have dulled. There are times I get overwhelmed and times I become very stoic. I wish I could temper and felt that I have for right now. Just focusing on getting better and working on house. Should keep me busy for a while.

So I am going to continue my hiatus from work, for a few more days. Thankfully. I just wasn't ready. I don't think that I am ready for a lot of changes that are going to be coming my way or that already have. But sometimes you gotta roll with the punches and be grateful for what life gives you. Sometimes great things take time. Although, on the flip side, I believe you can make great things happen. If you want something, make it happen. If you want to be.... nah..... It was a good day today. A great day. I am grateful and fully recognize all of the great things.

How my day went down. A play by play. 2:30a.m. - I don't think I should do this. What was I thinking ?!?! Hit snooze. 2:45a.m. - Don't be a baby, stop thinking about it ! Hit snooze. 2:50a.m. - Get text from aunt. A picture of her "before" her lap band stomach surgery.                  She weighs the same exact amount that I weigh right now. Well that's PEACHY !!                  Shove my phone under my pillow. 3:00a.m. - Just sit up. Sit up and then go to the bathroom. You wrote the email. You can do this. 3:10a.m. - Sitting on the side of the bed. Nope, I shouldn't. 3:11a.m. - Put your shirt on. Get dressed and then make a decision. 3:15a.m. - Brush your teeth AND THEN make a decision. Everything is better after that. From 3:50a.m. until 6a.m. I get to hear how stupid I am. 8:30a.m.   - Starting to throb but not nearly as bad as I thought. I am a badass. I can do anything! 11...

I honestly am not sure what to say about this one.  I've never read a book like it. I related to some of it. A lot, I didn't. I resented, admired, laughed, and sympathized.  I guess it was good based on the fact that it evoked those things. In other news: That's my foot and that's how my foot is going to stay for another 4 weeks. And I stupidly told my work I could go back tomorrow because... why?? Why did I say that? Did I think I needed to prove something? Maybe I thought I needed to be busy to keep my mind off of things, but I think it's too soon. I REALLY think it's too soon. I was feeling all billy badass and now I'm not feeling that way at all. Even a little bit.  However, I'm not a coward. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not that. Shit, what was I thinking?!

Who am I trying to convince? -------- Tomorrow scares me.

I suppose instead of drawing, I've been reading. Well, no supposing about it. That IS what I have been doing. The books have been outside of my normal fare of fantasy, vampires, and otherwise fictional bits of awesomeness. Memoirs and autobiographies, oh my. Why, you ask? You got me. Just what I feel like delving into at this moment in my life. So my opinion on the above book is as follows. I imagine it's what meeting and befriending Mindy is like in real life. Please take into consideration that I have never seen an episode of The Office that she had acted in. I have also never seen the Mindy Project, although, I'm slightly curious about it after reading her book, yet haven't looked up an episode. That being said, I found her abrasive at first and not very funny. The more that I read, the more that her personality grew on me. The funnier I found her quips and I got to know her sarcastic savoir-faire. By the end of the book she was endearing. It's a little bit o...