Frame of Reference

For a while now I've been tasking myself with writing down what my perfect day would be like. If I could have anything, what would happen from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. It's been a fun distraction from the other thoughts in my head. Today actually came pretty close. It was a great day, a really great day.  I took my nephew, Caiden, to the ice cream parlor. He had more fun picking out his flavor and flirting with the server there than actually eating his ice cream. Picking off individual sprinkles had to rank up there pretty high as well. Next time, I will make sure to coax him into something I like as well so the left overs don't get thrown away. I just couldn't stomach the sickeningly sweet "birthday cake". Took Bailey for a walk at a nearby national park. Almost got a ticket. Got a nasty note on my windshield with my liscense plate number written on it. In my defense, I was going to pay on my way out. Bailey was way too excited...

A couple of instances happened at work. I took off my badge and was ready to walk to the office and just let go of all of this. But I was told to take a walk before I even got there. A friendly suggestion by a coworker. So I did. And of course I didn't end up turning it in. It's unfortunate. It's not one thing that sets me off. I don't have one person that says the wrong thing, or I don't screw up and then lose it. It's like it just builds. It starts simmering as soon as I clock in. It kind of makes me frustrated because I want to have more control over my emotions. I did apply for two jobs today and finished a painting for the upcoming show. Also cleaned my house and spent time with family. Ended the day with a summer storm, Raman noodles and Chopped. Could a saturday night be spent any better? (semi-sarcasm)

My cramping has been the worst that it's been in a very long time. I'm ready to just give up on keeping my parts. However, there is still a little part of me that is screaming and holding on to dear life to... possibilities. I'm ready to get out of this rut. I think meeting new people and finding new things to focus on will help tremendously. It's sad though because I was where I wanted to be. Oh well, it's all in my head. Be positive. New people, new feelings, new experiences, here I come. Watch out. I have a show coming up. Title is: "Shades of Blue". I'm not sure what I'm going to pull out of my ass for that, but here's to hoping it's blue. Ha-ha.

We are told at my job, that if a person is upset or yells at us, that we shouldn't take it personally. We have no idea what their story is. No idea what kind of morning that they have had. I agree to a point, we don't know. I don't think it excuses bad behavior. Everything is mental anyway, right? This whole world is our creation. We are responsible for everything that happens to us. All of our choices, the captain of our ship, etc. But you have to trust people. My favorite quote of the week: "You can't hold the door open for people and then get pissed off when they don't thank you. They didn't ask you to hold the door open!!

I was in the break room today and a girl started telling me her drama in the workplace. I kind of just shook my head and said that I didn't want to hear it. That ignorance was bliss. That I didn't want to get involved. There is just too much going on. It's hard enough as it is, ya know? I could see her face fall. I thought she might start crying. I instantly felt bad yet didn't take my words back. I sat at the table and tried to joke with her but she was having none of it. All through the day I'd see her sad Bambi eyes and feel like a tool. Well, karma is a bitch, right? Just happened hours later. I have issues and am told that it rather not be heard. Karma.

I think a huge survival response from our brain is to numb our history. How quickly do we forget physical pain? Emotional pain? I'm not saying we forget them entirely but it's as if our brain rewires those events and makes them less... Yet as soon as we encounter similar moments that caused the pain in the first place, how quickly we are reminded. I don't know. Late night ramblings.

I didn't accomplish that much on my days off. I did house work and played with my nephews. I'm okay with that. A part of me does acknowledge that I seem to be in an artistic rut. It happens. I watched Apocalypse Now. Not anything like I thought it was. It was heavy and depressing but so was Heart of Darkness. We studied it in High School. Martin Sheen was too removed in my opinion. The very beginning of the movie and during the moments you could see his character contemplating Kurtz was the only semblance of emotion, of any kind. I really do get that his character was on the verge of losing himself, but it was beyond that. There was nothing there. Empty eyes. I am so looking forward to OITNB I can't even describe it. I also think I'm going to revisit the X-Files since they are bringing it back. Pop Culture at it's finest. This week is going to be better. I will it so.

I'm not sure what to write about. This is one of those times that I don't think writing about it will help anyway. My job sucks right now. I will leave it at that. I've been having the most strange dreams. A common factor? Cars. In one I was driving on a fairly deserted country road. It was very dark. I kept looking in my rearview mirror. I would see headlights and keep looking back. They would turn off the road. Another pair of headlights. They turned off the road as well. And then I look in the mirror and see a pair of headlights pretty far back. Just like any other, except this horrible, real, gigantic amount of dread fills me to the point that I can barely breath. I can't take my eyes from the mirror and I press the gas pedal to the floor but my car doesn't go any faster. My eyes are on the mirror when the headlights go black. Then I wake up. Last night I'm driving a car in a city. Also deserted but it's daylight, yet very foggy. I'm lost, compl...

"I won't be broken." I tried to explain, when you asked why I read "young adult fiction". I don't always. I mean, statistically speaking, given the amount of books i've read this past year, I've read 2 out of 25 young adult books. But I liked them very much. I think the two that I've read by the same author, has a lot to say. A lot about hope. No happy endings. Real life as real as young adult life can be. No happy endings and yet people are the better for it.