Frame of Reference

I finally got my hair cut for the new year.

It's hard to believe the year is coming to an end. I've started a new a drawing which I am so excited about. I almost hate to finish it because it's recently become apparent that I'm not exactly on a drawing streak or anything. Mini vacation to snowy mountains was awesome even though it didn't quite work out like I had hoped. I will not soon forget the Bailey Event. A vet visit, bookstore adventures, photography, and sleep are in my future for 2011. So is this (which doesn't at all seem pleasant!): Jupiter and Uranus are going to be tag teaming it in your constellation this year. They don't have to, really!!

I cause the fleeing. Not necessary. There is no chasing. I'm always the one being chased in my dreams. I had one of the strangest last night. I'm in a helicopter on the ground, next to a very huge sky rise. A man is piloting the aircraft and he's my brother. We're in a hurry and waiting on a very well-to-do woman and her brother (who is mentally handicapped and in a wheel chair). It's a cloudless sky yet there is...a cloud/substance as tall and wide as the building and touching the ground. It is so dense that it seems viscous. It's greyish black with large splotches of brown. It's moving slowly but steadily towards the building and the helicopter. The wind is picking up and I look towards the building. She's finally coming, pushing her brother in front of her. I hop out and lower the gear to get his chair on. We're all buckled in and my brother takes flight. We almost clear the roof. I can't stop looking at the cloud. It seems to be right on top ...

Some people say, "Just don't think about it." Others deal by writing it all down. Maybe some people even go to therapy and talk about it. I remember driving. I remember listening to crazy songs and looking at the stars. It didn't matter what time it was. It didn't matter if we had something to do the next day. We'd just pile into the car and go. I'd always take my shoes off and put my feet up on the dash board. I'd wiggle my toes inside of my socks and grin at the disdain. I remember even farther back with my grandmother. I remember the little drummer boy was one of her favorite christmas songs. I also remember her singing every single word to Hard Candy Christmas by Dolly Parton. Whenever my grandmother sang, she always danced too. Even if it was just swaying her hips. Most of the times she'd grab me or one of the dogs and twirl around and around. Those were the days when ice cream solved every problem. I guess my point is that I 'deal' by...

This is me, using my words:

You see footprints in the snow I feel snow in the wind with the breath of arctic sighs and whispered goodbyes Talked in circles and no angles born bricks are being carried under the scorn of tendrils that were not always riven When the shadows depart, vexations arrive but the heart swells for moments given Bottomless brown eyes beg for relief for what causes the pain to walk on legs strong in the light but weakened by night

We can put duct tape on our mouths so that we can't talk. Someone needs to invent a duct tape for brains, so that we can't think. It's incredibly frustrating to have thoughts that you can't speak. As a consequence you just end up thinking about them that much more. My stomach is incredibly angry at me, I think. It shouldn't be after yesterday. But here we are again in the evening hours, listening to angry rumblings. Silver lining? I will HAVE to have lost weight after this fiasco. I will continue to stare at this blank canvas. Look beyond the feathers and see the eyes, or see beyond the eyes to the feathers?

I'm having pluming issues. The project is completed and this makes me immensely happy. I am 95% done christmas "gifting". The relative of C should be here in two days. This always makes me shake my head in wonder at the sibling dynamics and how some people just break molds entirely. I wish that I could buy patience for certain people and inject it into them while they sleep. Although, now that I think about it, the laissez-faire attitude does come in certain chemical varieties. Things that make you go, Hhmmmmm. Speaking of, Bailey has taken to squeezing herself under the spare bed. This is a ridiculously small space and I can't even fathom why she would want to experience that. Maybe she likes the dark and quite enjoys the feeling of confinement.

Happy Birthday to Britney Spears!! And to my mom! Seriously, my biggest hero. She's shown me that anything is possible, over and over again. We've been partners in crime, tourists from Russia, Interior decorators, plumbers, vampires, models, Road trippers, vacation planners, Puppy snugglers, teachers, stalkers, and shoppers among many other things. Most importantly, though, she's my best friend. No matter what happens, I know that she'll always be there for me and I her for her. I am so glad that I get to help her celebrate her birthday and I hope that every single one to come is as great. The family pets generously volunteered to model for our annual Christmas card this year. It was rough sailing at some points. My life was threatened and my heart strings were tugged. I escaped with zero scratches and they were amply rewarded with yummy treats for their patience. So, no animals or photographers were harmed during this photo shoot. Though, I swear that you can see Wren ...

A 6 a.m. wake up call to the smoke alarm was not how I wanted to start my day. It is not how I would wish to start ANY day! I was told that I handled it well, but I was falling apart inside. My entire body shivered for what felt like days. And then it was over. I received the most amazing compliment about my pictures ever. Wow. Tammy wrote: "I look @ your photos as about the only way Im ever gonna travel.Thanks. You show me pictures of places I would'nt see otherwise. Beautiful."

Ever since Thanksgiving, work has been a whirlwind of busy. We've been understaffed and over managed. I feel sorry for the customers. I can't possibly give them the kind of service I would like. The sad thing is, I'm past the point of caring. I just need a break. The tree is up and decorated. Silver and light blue. I think it looks simple and gorgeous. Needs a tree skirt though, on the look out. Another disgusting dream last night and my eye is still twitching. Off to work, but first a date with toro rojo and some eye drops. Apparently there is a college soccer tournament happening in town. Two of the teams decided to stop in and eat yesterday evening. If the next couple of days are anything like last night (parties of 30) I'm going to need more than just energy. Where do boys put all of that food?

"This is going to hurt. A lot." The man said to me. His eyes were so dark they could have been black and were staring, unflinchingly at mine before sliding down to my arm. His left hand circled my left wrist and my eyes darted down to watch the blade slice into the crook of my arm and travel in slow motion to my wrist. I woke up with my heart in my throat. That was several nights ago. My left upper eye lid has been twitching for four days now. I've also had a muscle spasm happening on the side of my neck ever since I got home from work this evening. I received payment even though it was supposed to be a gift. I'm slightly offended. 3:30 a.m. happens a lot sooner than expected. I surprised myself by not being affected by the masses of people. I am determined to work on my "looks" or "facial expressions". I do not like that I am so easy to read. Bailey is my baby polar bear who keeps me warm in the mornings. Often times too warm. I drove a Harley on ...

On everything else? No Comment.

A birthday wish was made. It's been almost 8 months since I've seen her in person. The feeling was surreal. Everything worked out much better then I thought it would. I wish that there would have been more sunlight, but I snapped a few pics at Frozen Head. I wish I could have gotten Bailey acting like queen of the trails. She was too interested in sniffing the leaves to stop and pose though. What really sucked was waking up at 7:20am, being in a car for 8 hours, going directly to work and then being slammed until closing. That wasn't fun.

I wrote a poor me paragraph. I wrote it and then read it. I held the delete button down for quite a while. With so much negativity and bad things happening, who am I to complain about anything? My frustrations and helplessness and anger are mere dust particles in the grand scheme of things. As am I.

I finished the drawing. I sent it out last Thursday. It was well received and I am so incredibly grateful for that. I saw the blurb on apple yesterday about the huge announcement. I'll admit, I was intrigued . I don't think I was the only one that was disappointed. The Beatles are huge, but that was it?? I cried during a diaper commercial today.

I had a horrific nightmare this morning. One of those that leaves you gasping for breath and holding your heart inside of your chest because it's beating so fast it might explode. I remember driving in my car. The one that I own now. I was going up a steep hill. I was in the left hand lane and I noticed that smoke was lightly coming out from behind the front wheels. There was so much traffic that I couldn't do much but hope that I made it to the top. I did and the smoke stopped. I was in a hurry, wherever I was going. Then the car suddenly accelerated. I lost control and veered to the right. I knew I was going to hit another car and I did, but not terribly. Just enough to throw me into a terrifying spin off the side of the cliff. I knew I was going to die and all that I kept screaming was NO NO NO! It was so realistic. I could feel the wind in my hair and the steering wheel under my hands. Even the drop of my stomach when my car went airborne. I woke up before I hit. I guess so...

The streetlights flash a repeating pattern too late to guide anything walking. Reflections of insights like daybreaks on leaves. Shadows that mimic things alive in memories or a stomach full of words swallowed best left unsaid or unspoken because they would create interpretations of things too fragile to be broken or even created and set free. These things live in the eyes the color of skies on a stormy day, opened to you on knees bended begging for understanding and believing even fully acknowledging these passions fall on ears disbelieving, eyes jaded, and fingers calloused against the cold of the past and truths unburied.

I had a good visit yesterday. Something was telling me to go. I will never forget but I can put aside my differences. I think we both benefited. Still, 5:30 is extremely early! Now when someone asks me what I'm most afraid of, I can answer: anger. I'm having a love-hate relationship with my drawing. Yep, the same one from the summer. Going to the art festival was very inspirational though! Incredible talent everywhere! I was so excited to see my favorite artist from last year was back! A E London . If I could do even a fraction of what she can do, I would wear a safari hat all of the time too! :p So, maybe after seeing all of the great stuff, I can manage to at least finish this drawing... sometime this year. Since I always post pictures of Bailey and Wren, I thought it was high time for some B.C. loving. Behold the dark feline queen surveying her realm and her lowly subject.

Yesterday was a whirlwind. 6:30 wake up call. Mall to Mall walk with about 10,000 other people for Breast Cancer Awareness. It was amazing seeing so many people dressed in pink and supporting a cause, being a part of something. It was also pretty cool to walk down davis in the middle of the street and see traffic stopped. Afterwards, saw a very cool volleyball game! I've never seen one in person before. Still makes me wince every time they hit the ball. I'm just fragile like that. Then it was into costume and off to work. I didn't go all out, just a black scorpion on my face, black lipstick, black clothes. I was trying to pull of being goth. I wasn't even planning on dressing up but was asked by my manager, so that a fellow coworker wouldn't feel so alone. I hope I didn't look like too much of a dork. Sucks to work on Halloween, just gotta say!

The trees rocked a light like a baby born new Glimpsed through glass, fleeting, passed beyond the moon, a stranger in the skies. Stars danced on ceilings and glowed artificial but couldn't dampen the child-like humming heard through the static unwavering Eyes heavy with sleep and mind made chaotic by anger laced with fear Read on pages black, not felt - assumed Numbers were kidnapped where they danced on night stands overtaken by A figure in the doorway made of white Breath inhaled sharply like knives frozen caused the dissipation of apparitions as if it existed like breathe seen Shaken

My whole life I've heard it. Now I want to rise above it. I want to reach in and rip it out. Whatever it is that makes people think that I am hiding something. Whatever it is that makes people look at me that way, think of me that way. I am not.

Skeleton crew. You never know if the last time you say goodbye to someone is really going to be the last time. It's funny how that works. Everyone saying, "Well, now what?" Ironic, the mimic. We need more rain. The little that fell just made everything dirty. I yearn for it to be washed away.

"It's not hard to turn somebody into a dream" ~ Elisa 4 tonight. Tow the line. System is clean.

I've finally finished editing all of my trip pictures. It totaled 176 keepers and about 30 I'm willing to share. Most are the same things, just different views. Not missing much. I finally got my hands on Elisa's album Heart. It's Amazing! I've also procured Linkin Park's newest. I can tell they are really trying new things. Some work for me, some don't. But I think they are a great group. Lyrics speak volumes. Progress on the drawing I've been dawdling on all summer. It's about time.

At first glance I thought that this formation looked like a camel. Upon further inspection, however, it is obviously an elephant, or ... Mammoth. It doesn't look like it in this photograph, but this arch is huge. Easily the size of a 3 story building. They called this patch of Arches National Park the Garden of Eden. Hilarious conversation that took place with my mother while we were in the car. ( I was driving.) Her: That light was so red! (As I was driving under it) Me: Yeah, but it had just turned red. Her: That doesn't matter, it's red. Me: -Silence- Me: Yeah... but it had JUST turned red. Her: Doesn't make it less red! It's a for real phobia! --> ANGROPHOBIA

One of my favorite quotes ever is from Allyson Hannigan as Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer: "Who Died?" - "Aaawww, who died?" Merely quoting it does it no justice however. It's all in context and tone. I think that's a big problem. Context. Things taken out of context or assumed can really hurt. Just one more shift. One more and the rush is over for the summer. I'm done mentally and emotionally. The metaphorical towel is thrown. I need a fork.

A pretty cool marker at Arches Natl. Park. Hiked down into the canyon at Mt. Zion. A cliff in Oregon on "The Day of Fog". A day is a roller coaster. Every day is a ride of emotions. I suppose that's the essence of being human. I just wish that happiness was more prevalent for everyone. I wish that connections existed and people thought differently. I know that what matters and means so much to me, isn't the same for everyone. When he grabbed my hand out of nowhere, that is a moment I will cherish forever. When I wake people up on accident, I feel horrible. When I hear about tantrums thrown over expectations, I get furious. When my giggle makes other people laugh (even if it's at me), it's a better day.

Led to the beach! Fitting for October. Coolest scary house! Astoria, Oregon. Only the Faithful I was looking at this picture, noticing the light playing on the purple "legs" when out of nowhere I see the praying mantis!! I never even knew it was there when I was taking the picture! I only wish that it's head was in focus, it looks like it was looking right at me and upside down!! Oh well, just means I'll pay more attention from now on. I remembered! I Just Wanna Be Mad

It was weird not to see crushed up pieces of sea shells. A cave we found along the coast of Oregon. The walk down was awesome, the walk back up, not so much. The fog we would drive in and out of along the coast. For the last two days I have slept more than 12 hours. I hope this can be chalked up to my stomach being "off". Maybe I had a bug and I just needed to sleep it off. I definitely reaped the consequences off over sleeping last night with horrible dreams. I was on a compound, or a military base. Something was wrong inside of me. A heart was missing. I started coughing up a dark green substance, similar to play-doh but slimy. There was scrambling from door to door, looking for a doctor, looking for help. I started throwing up violently this green substance. It was so scary because I couldn't catch my breath in between coughing and vomiting and trying to run and trying to ask these people for help. I had saliva and puke down the front of my shirt and it just kept comi...

Arms spread and stars gazed willing people to look in, see even turn their heads sideways. Don't tell me I don't mean what I say. A closed fortress of secrets kept hidden Ulterior motives and plans written in invisible ink. That's not me. I'm not an actress and this isn't a stage. I think differently. I see differently. But I plead, scream, cry and bleed the same. I care, love, appreciate, and harbor hope. Don't blink and say that I don't. My thoughts get lost in translation but I'm not holding them hostage. I don't stand on a board built for a game. The doors are open beyond the maze.

It's really sad when a few rotten tomatoes spoil the whole bunch. There are good people in this world. I met some of them tonight. Why is it the bad people make such a lasting impression? As humans, as people, it's our choice how we let other people affect us. I can logically say that I will not let a few bad incidents get the best of me. Logically. In reality, it does. I can't help but think that maybe if I had done something differently, this person would have been more nice. What I can do is rejoice in the fact that it's over with. It's the past. It's happened and I don't have to think about it or deal with it any longer. That makes me happy.

Our lunch destination. A virtual oasis in the desert along Hwy 50 in Nevada. Oregon Zion National Park in Utah

This is Highway 50, also known as " The Loneliest Road ". It stretches through most of Nevada. A pretty neat thing we saw, besides desert, was initials spelled out in rocks on the side of the road for miles and miles. A beach in Oregon along Highway 101 Another beach in Oregon along Highway 101.

A random turn off on Hwy 101 in Oregon. This path led to a gorgeous waterfall. A bridge in Oregon, covered in fog. Having been born in Oregon, you'd think I would have known that seals live there. These might have been sea lions, I wouldn't know the difference. One thing I do know? They are very vocal and very loud! Remember that question you might have once heard in High School? "If a tree fell in a forest and no one was around to hear it, does it make a noise?" To sit and consider that no, it doesn't, is a bit trippy. To learn and fully realize that sounds only exist in one's mind is a slightly odd notion. That means that music only exists in our heads. Otherwise, it's only vibrations. So the tree would fall but it would make no noise unless someone was there to hear it and interpret the vibrations into sound. It makes one wonder what else can only exist in people's heads.

Almost made it all the way through a cross country trip without running into storms. Alas, the storms found me. I hate the plains. Somewhere in Idaho

Astoria Column in Astoria, Oregon. Yep, climbed to the very top of that thing. It was so foggy you couldn't see 10 feet in any direction and my legs were literally trembling when I got back down, but well worth it. I can't remember where this was. We had just stopped to get gas in this very "off the beaten path" exit. I'm going to guess in between Idaho and Washington. Early morning sunrise in Astoria, Oregon.

Dust Devils were EVERYWHERE in Washington! This would be a waterfall in Yellowstone. I'm sure it has a name, but I don't know it. A geyser close to Old Faithful in Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming I saw a city named Caliente in Nevada. Surprisingly? Not hot. (Come on, that was cute!) I saw a tarantula the size of a baby rabbit cross the road. It's existence is in question, however, because when I pointed another one out, it turned out to be a skid mark. But I swear!