Frame of Reference

I think the anthem for right now is this song. My new obsession. I'm always late to the game. In this case: 10 years, but what-evs. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiLcw4juIMk Next year? I don't know. I've rocked that anti-new years resolution for so long that it seems fake to me at this point. I want things to change. I want things to be different. I think it's cool that we all meet at this diving board every year at the same time. It's just a matter of who jumped and who didn't... at the end, isn't it? I think things can change and everyone is in their own driver's seat. I'm pretty confident that I don't believe in fate. I think we control every aspect of our lives. New? Nah, just old rhetoric regurgitated.

Life is what you make it, and I'm making it great!!

I did it! I finished the semester strong. I think there is a possibility that I even made A's in all of my classes. How 'bout them apples? Anyone can do anything. Don't tell me that anything is impossible. Got my eye on the prize of the Holidays. It's going to be sad but we can make it happy too. Bittersweet I think. I'm loving it.

I took this while on field work during my internship. It's in a city near Crestview, brackish stream that led into the Gulf. A bit full-circle seeing as tomorrow is my last day of the internship. I'm doing a big presentation, not only for my 'boss' but for the director of the district office. No pressure, right? Big hydrology test today in the bucket. I feel good about it. I feel good about all of my classes. Only two more left and I'm done. I think I already feel done. What's 2 classes when you're used to taking on 6 or 7 a semester? Unrelated countdown of 16 days. Ready to send off this year in style.

An awesome and incredible family friend has experienced loss twice in as many weeks. I feel as if I'm inept at offering comfort anymore. I know that when I was experiencing the grief that comes from someone very close to you dying the sentiments of "I'm sorry. I'm praying. You're in my thoughts" just seemed inane and hollow. Those words lose meaning. Of course this is just my opinion but I feel like it's affected me trying to say something to someone else now. I try to think, "well what would I have wanted to hear then?" I don't know. A joke, something off the wall. Life is short. Holding on to shit isn't worth it. Lets just be real.

Happy birthday kid 28 today So many things I wish I could say So many moments I wish you could see So many of us wished you could have stayed Happy birthday kid 28 today 27 for always Love you Holly

A play on words. I'm not sure about the status of things. I'm trying to accept the days and not worry about the what-ifs. Trying to let go of what I can't control. Hard day coming up Sunday. In the last hurrah at school, lots of assignments due very quickly. Sad news about starting wages in my field. Yikes. Ramble-on

I can't even describe the happiness that I am experiencing. The personalities that keep changing and developing. I've said it before, it could be fleeting which makes it all the more precious. My school daze is challenging and amazing. Just got my second exam grade in Hydrology. B!!!! I'll take it. I've had dreams about failing this text specifically. Going to the professor and yelling at him and crying. I've been obsessing a bit. It's not over but it's closer to being over than not. I'm also killing my internship. Also, incredibly challenging. Birthday is coming up. Sad, not ready. Are we ever?

I've been getting lost in their eyes lately. I think I'm trying to escape from the stress of school, bills, life... I love them so much and I find myself wrapping that love around me like a blanket. They are something I never knew that I wanted, that I needed. I don't know if it's going to last. This all could be fleeting and that makes me cherish it even more. Every moment. Sometimes... in their eyes, I see her. Maybe I tell them that they are amazing too often, because I wished I could have told her that more. When they see something beautiful and they are shocked into silence, I hope she sees it too. I don't think that I could have done things differently.... But I wish that things had worked out differently. It didn't. So I choose happiness not in what did happen but what IS happening and what WILL happen. This reminds me of her. I'm not crying, you're crying:   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpQn-vPTnH8

Thunderstorms most of the night led to some pretty beautiful, almost apocalyptic skies this morning.

"Overwhelmed" is the word of the day. Just feels like things keep coming at me and I'm swinging and hitting home runs but my arms are getting tired. I wasn't prepared and no one said "go". I gave little man my sickness and that is the worst feeling in the world. If I could take it back, I so would. I would be sick forever to prevent him being sick one day. BC (biological contributor) is back in the picture. Jury is out on if that's good or bad. At least he's got 3 hots and a cot as they say. Officially applied to graduate. That's an indescribable feeling. I must keep my L-Membership active so I decided I'm going to fix my refrigerator, by myself... next week. I had to order a part. We shall see how that works out. I am currently rotating towels at the bottom and I'm getting tired of it. I also have the freezer duct-taped shut. I know. It needs a fixin'. Not a very productive day for me. I felt I was playing defense when I usually...

I started to write about my day, the past couple of days. The field work that I've been doing, how I just simply spaced a survey I was supposed to take for a class. How my strep and ear infection are doing.... but at the end of the day, all I got: I make some fucking AMAZING cookies. I do that really well!!!

I think the movie, "The Breakup" is one of the funniest, saddest, most realistic movies out there. That line always gets me, "Let's call this what it is". Well, I am calling this wrecked. I am beyond wrecked at this point. I can't even move my head. Pretty positive that I have strep again but too poor to go to the doctor. Driving home after a 16 hour day was a nightmare. But I made it, and the weather was beautiful. I was grateful to step outside when I started freezing. I'm grateful I was in a position to not do much mentally or physically. So, after dead bodies and burning the candles at 6 different ends... I'm calling it. I'm dropping out of school and quitting my job. I'm going to stay in bed for 4 days straight. I'm only going to get up to pee and hydrate. At least, that's what I'm going to tell myself until my alarm goes off at 5:45am tomorrow morning. I might even bring a blanket and just cocoon myself and stare menacing...

He did great. Woke up angry and confused but slept most of the way home. I'm seeing some blood pooling under his eyes and it makes my hackles stand up. Was the dentist too rough?? Did he hurt my little man?? I will find him and I will hurt him, lol. I think it's pretty normal with upper teeth being removed though. He is super emotional tonight. I am loving the cuddles though. The elder lady also got the tube taken out. Spirits are much better, considering. I am sitting in the blue chair that is called key lime. So delicious. Oh right, a paper is due by 9... it might just be that much better.

It's the night before little man's surgery. We are 3 hours from home and I am a bundle of nerves. I don't like this but I know it's necessary. Someone found themself incarcerated. 😐 I wish things were different. Very sad. I know they are going to be okay, it will all be okay. What does one do when they are on duty during post hurricane ghost port watch? This: I've got a thing for glasses.

Today was hard. I watched the sunset and recharged a little bit. Beautiful. It's nice to get lost in beauty.  I had another a dream. While not terrifying, I shall choose to keep it to myself. Self-respect and all that.  What will Nate bring? We shall see.

Just survived this crazy, hectic week. Well, I do have to get through tomorrow which is looking to be an adventure. Storage tanks in Okaloosa County, then work. 16 hour days are no fun. Just got word they cancelled school because of TS Nate. Awesome!! I just hope it doesn't interfere with surgery day. Drainage tube is still in and still lots of pain for the matriarch. Every day is better. All I can say is that my family is doing a lot of spiritual growth this year. Not the religious kind, the existing kind. The processing loss, and tribulations, and still showing kindness when it isn't returned. Earned Not Given I'm really digging "Here's to Us" by Ellie Goulding, however, it totally reminds me of George Michael's "Last Christmas". Awkward.

She's not where they want her to be. They had to put her on oxygen and her hemoglobin levels are too low. There is a drainage tube and it just keeps draining. White blood count is okay though, that's a relief. They are keeping her another night. I'm trying to focus on what needs to be done. My school work, the boys, dinner, etc. I'm trying NOT to have flashbacks and comparisons to my sister. I know that sounds really dramatic but that's where my mind goes. If the word sepsis gets used I'm going to flip my shit. I have an exam tomorrow. I've been studying as much as I can but as far as retention... I don't think it's sticking. I just keep re-reading the same things.

She did ok. They are keeping her an extra night for observation. Her gallbladder was 4x it's normal size. The anesthesiologist was impressed and I don't think that's a good thing. Not feeling it today. I had a short fuse and it feels absolutely horrible to lose your patience with a child. I know they don't understand the stress and the amount of shit that's going on... and thank god for that. They don't need to. That's what I'm here for. To catch that shit and make their life amazing. Make sure it doesn't trickle down. I can't even describe the guilt I feel for telling them to just stop talking, to be quiet because my head is pounding, because I need 7 more minutes to finish this paper. Why would the father ask about my mother yet hasn't asked once about his children????? Feeling a lot of regrets tonight. Just sad. Preview of what could be and I thought I was strong enough. I'm not.

I was already feeling a bit stressed. I had to manipulate my schedule to take a kid for a physical for a surgery that is stressing me. They are requiring powers of attorney and time is crunching. Added, 4 lab reports due next week, an exam on Monday, a quiz today, a paper and a discussion due on Sunday. A make-up lab I have to fit in at some point because I can't go to tomorrow's lab. A project and meeting on Tuesday at my internship. Then my mom ends up being admitted to the hospital and we are being told will most likely need surgery by tomorrow at the latest. I must admit my anxiety is very high. My fears are sometimes overwhelming and my mind won't stop circling. But I can do this. We can do this. There is no other option.

I had a dream about her. She was intoxicated and laughing but I could see the lie in her eyes. She's not happy but she sure is lying to everyone, even herself. She turned and kissed a curly haired woman. I asked her name and she didn't know, didn't care, because it didn't matter.

Loopy is on tap today for this girls exhausted body and brain. Working hard to play hard! Learning to get my hustle on and all that. I just knew it was going to be a  fun day when my barista asked if I wanted a sleeve on my beverage. It took me a full 17 seconds to process what she said and then I became overwhelmed. I panicked and told her it was too early to make such important decisions. I believe she took pity on me and just handed me my coffee, that or the line was backing up and she wanted me to hurry along. I have a paper to write on "culture" today. Should be interesting and fun. I really want to write about appropriation but I don't think I'm capable of taking it seriously enough. I honestly just like saying the word  at this point.

Things are keep-on keeping on. Managing to stay ahead of the curve on my assignments. The internship is a lot of hands-on, lets drop her in the deep end and see if she sinks kind of fun. We are going out in the field a lot, I am working on the computer a lot. I've learned this city is scary as far as unseen contaminants in the environment. Yeesh. Been eating better and exercising a bit. Still not how much I should be. I feel like I'm still riding strong on the roller coast of losing a sister and becoming caregiver to two kids. My mind is still processing that and often times I'm just exhausted. I lose myself in cooking, in snacks, in kids books and bed times and bath times, etc. There isn't much room left for working on me or my body issues. Those are the words of the unmotivated though. I've also learned that if I want something I can accomplish it, no matter the obstacle. A couple of tremors in my hand. Have I pulled a muscle? Strained a tendon? Those who know m...

It's too vague, could be about anything or anyone "Tell her I said, "hi""

I apologize in advance for the whining that is about to commence. My day started at 6am after getting into bed at 1130pm. Went to a couple of sites around town and investigated monitoring wells and got dirty looks for essentially being creepers. Worked in Excel for hours before coming to job #2. My eyes are killing me from looking at stupid charts and then focusing on my phone and then focusing on far away things. I get to work and the construction on the bridge is in full swing. There is a very loud and echoing pounding resounding through the entire port every 3 seconds... continuously....24 hours a day. The barges are pounding the columns into the bay. It sounds like a metallic heart beat. One that my head is trying to now match. Flip side, at least the temperature is PERFECT and the sun is shining!!

Irma didn't come close to effecting us much at all. I got a cool shot at some of the outermost bands touching Perdido Key. Tomorrow is back to business but I have immensely enjoyed this small break!! I didn't take one moment for granted. The gang and I woke up today, had a great breakfast, went to the library, the beach, and the Halloween store.

I think that we've found our rhythm as far as school times, drop-offs, internships, speech therapy, etc. I've deleted all of the numbers and pictures, took a deep breath, and vowed to myself to be happy for all involved. Does that mean it doesn't still sting? Yes, a little. I think that's part of an experience though, how we learn, all that positive mantra bullshit. I don't hold it against anyone or myself. It happened and it says a lot about character and periods of time. I have my eyes on the prize and am SSOOO looking forward to December! Life is good and I am smiling more than not.

This week has been crazy. I don't really have time to think. I kind of love it though. The feeling of being productive and putting in the work for an end goal is satisfying. I only wish I had more hours in the day to hang with the boys. The youngest survived his first week and the oldest is going on over two weeks now. He still says he doesn't like it, but I think he does when he's there. Bit of a mystery with the father, not sure if he went to rehab or if he changed his mind at the last minute. More to come on that. I just don't know. My feelings constantly fluctuate with that male human. Feeling a bit angry this week at my sister. Siblings are supposed to be your team. They are supposed to be there for you when your parents get old and pass. I guess there are a lot of "she was supposed to". I know it will pass and change into something else but that's where I am now. I also find myself short on patience with people. Kids talk in school about their pro...

School has started for me along with my first day of the internship. I thought I'd have more to write, but... I seem to be lacking in that. Suffice to say, I'm so grateful for my past. I learned a lot, embarrassed myself a lot. I wouldn't change anything. I can honestly say now I wouldn't go back to it either, or the people.

I can say this much: When things aren't permanent, or guaranteed, it really makes a person value each and every moment. The good and the bad. All you can do sometimes is take comfort in the fact that what you're doing is right. That you haven't hurt anyone and you have no intention of causing harm or hurt. Sometimes the business of life can get in the way of seeing all of the good in everything. We have reason to be happy and those are the moments that should fill our minds and hearts. Not the fear or the past. I've gotten in the habit of telling them memories when they say they want to see their mommy. Sometimes it's in the form of playing songs on youtube that she loved, or looking at videos that she took of them, pictures. Sometimes we even talk to her at bedtime or in the car. He especially liked telling her about school and that he did not like waking up early. I know it will fade. It's inevitable. Kids are so resilient.

Living in fear is the worst feeling on the planet. Panic attacks are pretty awful but they are fleeting in comparison. This is an emotion that weighs on you, has you jumping at every car door, looking out of the window every 30 seconds. "Battle for the boys". Those are the words handed to us, to me, to her. Officially a court record from 8/10 on. This is not what Holly wanted. They aren't mine, do I have a right to fight? I told my mother. She's just as scared as I am. I need non fear. Confidence. It's a lonely place.

I think I might have compartmentalized certain things. I've tucked them away in a box and shoved them on a shelf. I have no idea what to think, say, or do about it, therefore... We play. School started, that's a fun experience. Finances? Just another fun ball to juggle. Officially rearranged school. I will still be going full time: 14 hours. I'm also going to fit in an internship and my job. 3.5 months of craziness to ensue. I say, bring it on.

There are moments of sentimentality and they add up, sprinkled over moments of quiet and somber memories. I don't think we just 'let go'. It's a decision that's made, for sure, but I think we let go a little bit at a time. I think we can regress and pull back parts we let go. Maybe, when we let them go again it isn't so hard. I'm so nervous about next week. His whole life is going to change and it's awesome and scary. I woke up to an email stating that I've been recommended for an internship at FDEP. I filled out the paperwork. We will see. So many things are in flux and some things don't seem that important and other things seem way more important. Such is life, right?

It's not a 'fear of missing something' it's a 'fear of disappearing'. There seems to be a lot of negativity in the air. Crackles and suppresses. Music helps but can be too serious. I don't even miss you. I feel like a sculptor sitting in front of a mound of clay. The clay is my anger, rage, sadness, boredom, (insert descriptive emotion here). I don't know wether to try to make something out of it, (ppsssttt, I'm not a sculptor), throw it all out, or just stare. I know the longer I sit here the harder it's going to get... literally. See what I did there?

An amazing day. One I want to remember. Today was a good day too. We got up with the intention of going to the zoo, however, the weather had other ideas and decided to storm. We thought we would investigate the parks in Alabama, unfortunately it was raining there too... so arcade it was. I got very snippy with a woman as we were leaving. I am normally not so petty, but it just rubbed me wrong. We were leaving and this woman hit her husband and pointed, "I love it. I bet she spent $40 and there they go leaving with a 2 cent plastic toy." I grabbed the boys hands and turned around, "Actually I spent only $10, however, the hour of entertainment these boys got was worth twice that." So weird to think about life, the big picture. How boring and how exciting it can be at the same time. How quickly things change, what I've done to change my own life. How fate has done things, maybe a more powerful being, maybe coincidence. Who knows? Who has come into my life and w...

Between the land and the skies is where I remember you. When I come home from work or even taking the garbage out, the boys get so excited to see me. I love it. I don't take it for granted and I revel in it every single time. However, I'm also dealing with a bit of guilt over it. My sister should be the one getting hugs, or hell, their father should be greeted in such a way. Maybe someday... They are doing well. There is sadness and struggle with understanding. The oldest asked me the other day, "So, mommy never got better, did she?" It's moments that make me catch my breath. I can't be anything but honest, though. The future is exciting and scary all at the same time. I wish that I had words to express how suddenly not being self involved feels. Maybe someday...

Wow, is all I can say. https://youtu.be/hzwTGpiv7Zs "I know that you'll choose where you'll want to be. Choose the heart of gold and not the one for free. Choose the heart of the past belonging not to me." ~ Copper Wimmin

Panama City wasn't what I thought it would be like. Granted, we were on the outskirts near the port, however, it was... just different than what I had in my head. Not the best news from there, we will be back to fix the problems that have developed. Tomorrow is going to be interesting. Contact with the father and another road trip. I am so incredibly anxious and disagreeing with the whole thing but the options are pretty much nil. I hate being put in these positions. Positivity though and not going to bed angry. I am loving that part and grateful for such anchors.

...but you really dodged a bullet. Isn't it funny when you feel like being a masochist and look up things on social media that you have been avoiding for months and sure enough there is shit on there that just... I didn't want to see? So why do we do it? I can honestly stand here, typing on my computer, and know that in the very depths of my soul and heart that I am happy for her, that I want nothing more than happiness for her. That's where I need to leave it too, right here. It doesn't affect me in the slightest, in the least. I am so happy with where my life is right now. It's like a limb that I don't have, nor want, any more. So life... Life suggests that we wake up before the sun tomorrow and head to Panama City. What such adventures await us there? We shall see.

I think it's the first time that I haven't immersed myself in emotions. My sister's death is like a pool that I occasionally walk by. I know it's there all of the time but if I don't see it, then I don't think about it. I'm just trying to focus on the boy's and accepting Matt's absence and what that means for them. I think other aspects of relationships have suffered because of this. It makes me sad but I don't really know what to do about it. It's a very bizarre feeling, but not one that I bathe in either. It's so hot these days that the youngest is basically living in boxers. He has a body temperature like his mother, always, always hot. The oldest is the opposite, always cold, like me. I read that the powers that be are going to bring back The L-Word. That's amazing news and a bit odd seeing as I just started watching it again, sporadically. A bit of attention on my flickr page, specifically my 365 project that I never finished....

I wish I could understand the headspace of people who leave. No word from him, lots of hims, her. I'm not sure the individual even matters after a certain point, it's the act. How do they look at themselves in the mirror? What does it feel like to completely turn away from someone. Do they justify it in their mind by telling themselves it's better for the person that they leave? It's the 'right' thing? The people are better off? They only cause them pain? What do they say to themselves in their head? I wish I could know what it feels like. I wish I could know what a lot of things feel like. Don't get me wrong, leaving is certainly the best option sometimes, but not without a word. Not without a goodbye, not without a reason, not without ... something. I don't want to make up excuses. I don't want to say words that aren't true to make them feel better. But I will, because they never deserved to be walked out on. They ask everyday, so do I, in a ...

Ceiling of a warehouse. It's slightly tilted to the right, drives me crazy. Kind of a pleasing asthetic in my opinion though, the synchronicity. It was a beautiful evening tonight. Reminded me of driveway drinks and good times. They taste different now, the memories. I don't feel myself fighting to have those moments back or to have that life back. I feel like I can just, be happy I had them. Still sad but it doesn't feel like a wistful sad anymore. Great holiday, this past fourth. My sister loved fireworks. So does her oldest son. The two boys are a good balance. Yin and Yang.

The desire to fill blank pages causes an affliction called stress An alarm going off that's echoed against grimy walls Dulled duress No longer empty however always long and hollow halls One girl wrapped up in an archaic flowered dress Not like a gift but like a bandage over open wounds Forced to walk across shifting black sand dunes Her shadow the only other presence in reflection A sight to be seen but it's all beyond detection By you Anyway

When all of the answers point to no. When your gut says no, the universe says no... "I love you"... "That's a shame"... I need a tattoo to validate all of this nonsense. I need something I can carry on the outside so I can let go of this on the inside. Lies.

Tonight was incredibly hard. I cleaned a lot of the clothes out and I couldn't block it out. I couldn't block her out. I couldn't block out the fact that we called ourselves the three musketeers. We had some pretty shitty luck but we were ALWAYS there for each other. I remember writing to her while she was incarcerated about my feelings and complicated love. She thought I was being silly but she was on my side. Even if I was wrong. I wrote her all the time. One for all and all for one.... right?

You can't say something and have it be true. You can't just utter the words "I'm over it, I don't care, goodbye, whatever, I'm letting go..." and have them stick. They will for a moment. I've learned I have to keep saying them over and over. I've also learned when you say goodbye you can mean it, but it doesn't take away all of the feelings. It's so surreal sometimes. My sister died. The amount of things she's going to miss is mind boggling. I try to think about the things that she did get to experience though. Having kids, feeling love, being in love... I guess we all digest things differently. There is no right or wrong answer. It's like the edges of a dream that's slightly out of focus. There's a lot of mornings I wish I could just turn over and say "Not today." I suppose that's not possible and it would only be postponing the inevitable shit one must muck through when they lose someone. I honestly do...

It's train tracks and a train reflected in a puddle that's also reflecting the sunrise. I don't think a lot of people 'got it'. Today was a fucking roller coaster. I brought the boys to see their dad against A LOT of people's advice. I just thought it was the right thing to do. Turned out all of the paranoia and fears were for nothing... so far. I mean, words are words. Actions speak. So does the sadness I see and the love. It was a good thing and it meant a lot for all of us.

So, I finished OITNB. I watched the Shack, XXX - Return of Xander something or other, War Machine, Girl Most Likely, Handmaids Tale. I've read two books, Extracted and Queen's Choice. I think I need to get into the real world a bit though. Stop escaping and start getting ready for school at the end of the month. I have evaluation results, pre-k orientation, registration, dental appointments 2.5 hours away.... real world... shit. So why not dip my toes into the pool of creativity?

... you lose some. It's like finally being able to verbalize some of the feelings inside and allowing a bit of vulnerability to peek out only to have it punched in the nose. Did I steal this? Did I do this? A blinking cursor Black phone screen Deleted numbers Stupid choices Expectations Headphones Bruises Kissed knees This Darkness though I feel like a stoic observer watching it consume Maybe it's just how compartmentalizing feels Then what is the anger when I see a picture? Who am I even angry at?

Last night was a rough one, especially with the oldest boy, but I was hurting too. When he hurts, I hurt. I know there will be more nights or even days that will be hard. We just have to stick together.

We told them... Didn't go how I thought, but then how are these things supposed to go? No rules.

Not the greatest of mornings. Got away a bit with the boys. Cramps are not helping me right now. I had the strangest and most vivid dream last night. I dreamed about a baby. I felt like my mom had the baby but I never saw my mom. I was just holding this baby girl. Her eyes were uncanny. HUGE. You could see stars in her eyes... like that owl. Anyway, I walk down some stairs. There was another woman there. Very dark complected, hispanic features. She sees this baby and starts crying, she's so happy and joyful and overwhelmed. You could feel the love. This woman never makes eye contact with me, just with the baby. I almost feel invisible, literally. The baby is watching me the entire time. I vaguely hear the woman say they are going to name her "Marisol". The eyes of the baby shrank to normal size and I woke up.

Sleep doesn't come easy these days. It's almost as if I'm fighting it. Which is stupid because when I'm asleep I'm set free from my mind. Why fight that? Why resist escaping? I haven't had a breakdown since that night. I did lose someone whom I thought was a friend. Kind of a double blow, especially on the night of the service. I'm sure there is a silver lining there though. I already know what it is, I just don't want to give voice to it, or it will be real. I suck at letting go of people. This next chapter is already seemingly daunting. A pile of paperwork a half-inch thick was plopped in front of us. We get to pay $400 for someone to read it and make a decision. It's all so silly to me. First night of work. I got lost in walking and the water. If anyone were to ask me what I was thinking about I couldn't have told them. Nothing? Everything? Every little mean word I said, how she'd crawl into my bed when she was little... every.... sing...

The walls are closing in tonight. I need people the most and it's a night where no one is to be found. So many "I'll be there"'s and "Call me whenever"'s and yet here I sit. On my bed, looking at a closed door. Tonight I need people the most and it's just me. A familiar feeling. I don't know how to ask. I want someone to know that... for tonight, I'm not okay. Don't leave me alone, please. So many questions, second guesses, decisions, people, texts, silences.... and closed doors. Passive aggressive threats and vague rage. I wish someone could just know. Could just feel it and wrap me in a hug and not let go. I am a rock for many but I need one too... tonight. What do you say, anyway?

As in, intensive care unit. A lot has happened since the last entry. I'm not sure I even want to write about it all. My sister has been in ICU for over a week now. They took her out of a paralyzed state today. Her BP bottomed and her liver and kidneys are failing. Not to say they can't come back. Her abdomen is also distended and they don't know why. Some of her fingers and toes are turning blue because her BP is being controlled by medication and not her heart. She could lose them. I just hate that her body is going through all of this. It's pretty horrific. I won't even start on the effect this is having on my mother. Like the doctors keep telling us... we gotta wait.

We battled some stomach issues today. By we, I mean me and the eldest. Kind of kept it low-key because of this. It's good to get it all out though. I did, however, mow the front and back yard. With all the rain recently and more rain expected, it became quit necessary. Hopefully, we can be a bit more active tomorrow. One of my favorites...My mom running with the boys on the beach of Hilton Head, SC.

It's been a while. Took an impromptu trip to Hilton Head, SC. We didn't think we were going to be able to go and then things worked out and we jumped on the opportunity. It was a little bit of a long drive for the boys, it being 8 hours and all. The drive there was the worst because we didn't get in until late, or rather, early. Fun was had. We went on a dolphin cruise. The boys got to 'drive' the boat and wear a captains hat and speak over the loud speaker. They thought they were the shit. Went to the beach. We much prefer the gulf coast. Atlantic Ocean waters and beaches are so... flat, dirty, and rough. It was an experience though, a good one. Spent most of the time in the swimming pool. Noah jumping in by himself (with floaties) thinking he's all invincible. No fear, that one. The other one has too much fear and anxiety, unfortunately. Other than that I haven't really thought about things. Taking a mental break, I suppose. I am taking the time to enjo...

It's done. It's all set and ready to go. I painted my nails tonight.

Isn't it funny when time slows down? Like when you're fixing your hair in the morning, looking in the mirror. It's a mundane task that your body just knows how to do from muscle memory. Or brushing your teeth. You've done it thousands, millions of times. So your mind wanders. You inadvertently and probably unwillingly jump on the memory train. For me it's always accompanied by a soundtrack of breathing in slow motion. Breathe in - Tracing freckles, rain drops. Breathe out - Slow motion grinding teeth, looking at the stars. Breathe in - looking at your phone, I look at my black screen. Breath out - I'm okay, a mantra, a chant, a busy signal, silence. Then you put the brush down. Blink in slow motion. It's over.

I have a hard time of leaving things alone, letting things just be. I lie to myself a lot. I watch myself set an issue down, walk away from it, and proclaim to the world that I am leaving it alone. But I go back. I worry it, like a sore spot on the inside of one's lip. Your tongue won't leave it alone. I often turn it over and over like a Rubrics cube. The ironic thing is, I was never good at those. I never once solved one, ever.

I feel like I've been a hermit crab, intently focused on whatever was going on in my shell and not aware of the outside world. I've tried to rectify that, with mixed results. Probably too soon to read into things, probably not. I always take people at their word. But some things change. My level of caring, for instance. Awesome day at the zoo. We got season passes. A good way to spend time outside and I love it as much as the boys do.

I made it. I don't know if I made the grade, it's a waiting game now. I should have been more nervous. I should have been more driven. I was confident and I think that will cost me. 97 on GIS. Botany? I don't think I passed with flying colors. I am just hoping that I pass. I celebrated the closing of another semester by making neon yellow elephants out of play-doh and running a barber shop where my star employees were a 3 and 4 year-old. Spasms are still there but I think they are getting better. I've been doing stretches that I looked up online to try to un-knot the muscle. Unnecessary worry in hindsight, but isn't it always? 20-20 so they say.

I survived the day. It was mildly uncomfortable. You would have been proud of my efforts at making small talk. Unfortunately, it was not well received. I'm not the worse for it though. It happened, we will move on. I got accepted to NASA. How cool is that to be able to say? I'm spasming and bleeding when I'm not supposed to be doing either. The world is topsy turvy but if I hold my breathe everything might right itself without any input from me.

It's always a weird phenomenon when you start measuring time by moments. That is especially true for myself this weekend. 20 more minutes until my Botany Lab Final. Tomorrow is their party, just let me get through tomorrow with all of the people. Visit with Tom was nice. It's always good to keep people who want to be in your life, close. Just let me get through tomorrow. Shady happenings with secrets in families are no good and very toxic. I can be civil, I don't have to be nice. Two finals on Monday. I strongly dislike things that interrupt my routine. I got accepted to NASA as a volunteer. I don't think I'm gonna take it because they want 40 hours. It's an awesome opportunity but other doors will open for me, I'm sure of it. Just let me get through tomorrow. After Monday, I will be done for a bit. Then what? I can't seem to look past this summer. The future is too cloudy, not in a bad way, just in a way that I can't see through. Maybe it's exci...

The next two weeks look to be... eventful and time management heavy. It's all about problem solving and flexibility. Speaking of flexible, I have a case of lack-thereof. Pinched nerve in my neck. It really only bothers me at night when my right arm keeps losing feeling and it feels like something is biting my shoulder. The yard is coming together. Yard work has become my outlet for stress. I hate mosquitos though and they are abundant!! Flower addict right here! Easter was fun.

We got our first bloody nose this evening. It wasn't as dramatic as it sounds. They had a collision and there were tears and slow seepage of blood from one nostril. As long as you remain calm they will remain calm, for the most part. He actually thought it was very cool and his brother was jealous and wanted a bloody nose too. You know the semester is close to ending when even the professor says "fuck it" and cancels lecture for the remainder of the semester and is all... just do some assignments and email them to me. Done, sir. That is called being done. I have to have my 60 thousand mile maintenance done, which is like 300$. Crap, it's always something.

I can see the light at the end of the temporary tunnel sometimes. Sometimes it is very bright and very easy to be positive and upbeat. This is all going to be worth it, the results, potential, and unknown are all quite exciting. Other times its a bit of a limbo and I find myself just living day by day, being my own cheerleader just to get through the day because I'm so tired, physically and emotionally. What's happening with my sister? What's going to happen with my nephews? What kind of plans should I be making? It's impossible to say. So we live half in and half out. Honestly can't complain too much though. Our lives are rather charmed. Just make sure not to take anything for granted. Every moment is fleeting and the good moments far outweigh the 'struggle' moments. 

I am so happy. There are some rather unfortunate events happening in my life, however, I think it's good in a way too. Everyone is where they choose to be in their lives. Boys are just getting into movies. We've watched Toy Story and Moana at least 12 times. I feel a huge responsibility to do okay with them. Make sure they are healthy and get registered for school, do the occupational therapy, brush the teeth, keep the routine. Sometimes, especially when I have huge papers due or exams, I get a bit overwhelmed. I just remember that they don't know the pressure that I am under, they have no clue how tired I am, and nor should they...ever. I am happy.

Hopefully I'm on the upswing of getting out of this malaise that I've found myself in, in the past week. I need to get my head back in the game as far as classes are concerned. I am grateful for the good luck that I have and I am not taking it for granted. It makes me laugh, the irony of it all. The concerns that I have and don't have. I think it just reinforces what I am here for and what I'm not here for. I feel very confident in that and the little things that happen, the coincidences, the luck, etc. just bring it on home for me. Saw a cool, little video about a Jewish Rabbi talking about love today. He told a story about a man watching another man catch and eat a fish. He asked the man "Why did you kill and eat that fish?" The man replied, "Because I love fish!!" Basically he's wrong. If he loved the fish he wouldn't have caught it and killed it. He loves the way the fish tastes. That's kind of how we translate love erroneously. We o...