Frame of Reference

Its so funny that when I am working a thousand things that I could be doing race through my head. When I have my one day off during the week, I find myself staring out of windows and moving extra slow. Why can't I do all of those things that I think about? Looks like I will have Wednesdays for the next nine months. My seniority being nonexistent got me the same exact days off that I have now. I'm nervous about tomorrow with Bailey's surgery. Worse case scenarios and all of that. Everyone at the airport keeps talking about the furlough. There is more information on the news than we are ever told. Maybe it's all speculation. In a funny way, I kind of hope it happens. I could use the extra time off. But I need money. That community in the west is looking like Utopia. Living off of the grid. No bills, no money. I suppose we will always have stressors in our life. If it's not money it would just transfer onto something else. Fingers crossed. Time to get crafty. It...

These words are my own. Such negativity is not necessary There is no void or floating in space No choice made. No irrelevance. I wont. I refuse. It's mine. These thoughts and dreams. I don't even like boats, much less ships They sink

What if you see writings on the wall but they aren't meant for you. You feel each word but they aren't meant for you? Are you selfish for thinking so? Maybe it's a surprise because you feel at all. The world spins wether you are on it or not. It doesn't spin around... me. Bailey is scheduled for surgery on Thursday. I am hella nervous. I was released from all restrictions pertaining to my surgery today. The nurse had to take a phone call and left my chart in the room with me. Me being an insanely curious person, perused the chart. I found some confusing information. A sample was sent? Not malignant. Something doesn't feel right. Pushing birth control? Tomorrow is friday. Is it living if your biggest accomplishment is making it through the day? The mantra... just make it through today. I don't want to spend my time counting hours and minutes or even days.

It's not quite anxiety, but it's a tension.... a rope pulled taught. Bailey has to have surgery. After her two weeks of treatment for a UTI they found an enormous amount of red blood cells in her urine, but no white. So the infection was gone, but the blood wasn't. The x-ray on the wall showed 8 distinct circles in her bladder. Large circles. Much larger than she could ever hope to pass. She has bladder stones. They are just rolling around in there, cutting the lining of her bladder. The surgery is going to cost $600. I can't get over the fact that the more money you make, the more money you end up spending on necessities that you NEVER BEFORE had in your life!!! I can't wrap my head around that.

There are times when things aren't so great. There are even times when I try really hard to hold onto anger or a bad mood because I feel justified. I feel that if I let go of something, then no one will understand how wrong it is that I feel this way. That something is unjustified. But it's all in vain. Anger is in vain and so are bad moods. I wish there was a switch I could just flip when I feel it coming on.

"I've made my mistakes I have nowhere to run I'm fading away As the night goes on."

Sometimes, I think it's better living behind a wall. A shell. A void. So Much Better