Frame of Reference

You know, the past couple of years I have been "anti-resolution", even anti "holiday" to a degree. I've been stuck in a rut, standing still and waiting for something or even someone to make a move. To get this life started again in a direction. I didn't care what direction. I didn't care to stand still even. It takes a lot of effort to move and what if I moved the wrong way, took the wrong path? I just maintained and didn't cause ripples. I didn't rock the boat and looked out for everyone else. If not financially then emotionally. I want this year to be different. I want to set goals and exceed them. I want to move, and it doesn't matter how or where I move. I just want to move!! Not moving is worse than moving in the wrong direction. Financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually. It's all going to change for me. I am very, very confident of that. I'm also going to keep track of it better. I want to learn from the past, not repe...

Wow, I've never come across this poem before. Good stuff. Invictus William Ernest Henley 1849–1903 Out of the night that covers me,  Black as the Pit from pole to pole,  I thank whatever gods may be  For my unconquerable soul.  In the fell clutch of circumstance  I have not winced nor cried aloud.  Under the bludgeonings of chance  My head is bloody, but unbowed.  Beyond this place of wrath and tears  Looms but the Horror of the shade,  And yet the menace of the years  Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.  It matters not how strait the gate,  How charged with punishments the scroll,  I am the master of my fate:  I am the captain of my soul.

"You've reacted enough for both of us." True. I just want and I know what I want. Just two of us for Christmas and I have to work. I'm really looking forward to the Holidays being over. I'm a little tired of the music and the decorations and the well wishes...every...single...day. I think it's just built up anticipation for a climax that is... I don't know. The house is delayed. My muse is teasing me.

It's a mystery to me, all that is going on in the world. I'm in the middle of procuring a house. It's stressful and hectic and it's going to have ripple effects that I can't even imagine at the moment. And in the midst of it, I picked up a Scientology book. Not because I want to join the religious group. It's because the only facts I have about that religion is what I have been fed from the media. It's time to figure out facts and form my own opinion. Just something that's always nagged at me. It wasn't exactly covered in my college religions class. Everything else seems on track. Schedule change for the new year. We will see what repercussions or benefits I gain from that, both physically and socially.

Is the house back on? It seems like they just won't take 'no' for an answer. Does that mean that maybe it's meant to be? That, possibly, the universe is doing something? I'm not sure I believe in all of that. But who is to say? Applying for a collateral duty that would look really swell on my yearly review and get me off of the floor. It's a situation where the government SHOULD be paying for this but isn't, however, I would get off of the floor. I'm going to see what it's all about. E.R. visit for my youngest nephew. 105 fever but nothing they could do for it. He is doing a lot better. They said he had a virus/throat infection. Which, I'm not sure you can have a virus AND an infection, but then again, not a doctor. Insane dreams on my side of the skull. I can't even begin to describe the vivid detail of these puppies. A trip for sure. Nothing x-rated, just crazy detail. For example : Last night I was in a mental institution such as ...

I loved getting an extra hour of sleep. I do not like it getting dark so fast at night. My mom and I were just talking about how neither one of us seem to have time to do much. The boys are so magnetic and draw us both into playtime and interacting. And you know what? Wouldn't change it for the world! House is gone, off the table. Contract rescinded. My foot, however, is becoming a problem. I need surgery again, but I'm not sure that's the fix all. It feels like something else is off with it.

Had one of my nose bleeds last night. Lasted a lot longer than usual, was getting kind of lightheaded. Large clot at the end, came down my throat. That was lovely. I think I managed to gross my loved ones out, always a plus! House is snagged at the moment. I want to walk away from it actually, but a part of me needs to see it through to the end, whatever that might be. Terror, terror, shooting on the news. The world is going crazy. I try not to watch all of the bad stuff and only get the headlines or necessary info from and for work purposes. Watched Band of Brothers. Cried like a baby. Asked my dad if he liked war movies. He doesn't. I kind of wish I could talk to him about his life... but alas. Baby steps. My main men ->