Frame of Reference

When you put a quarter into the fortune teller machine and rip open your ribcage to display your heart like exhibit-A When you point to white board drawings and trace lines of scars road-mapped over your soul like exhibit-R When the tears mimic the movements of dreams splashing into splinters on the cold concrete floor like exhibit-C There will be no response from the machine the lights will not blink and flicker You are going to have to console yourself It was just a quarter, after all.

Today was a bit rough. I don't know... spring break has given me too much time. My mind wanders. Being hormonal doesn't help. I feel like I should lock myself into a bunker but then what if it doesn't go away? Thursday's are not my favorite days.

Spent a pretty penny today at the dentist. I had to have my annual x-rays and with no insurance, that can add up. I did discover I get health insurance through my work, however, I don't think that what I need covered will be covered. Such a racket and such a game. Frustrating. My mouth is so sore too. I haven't been flossing as well as I should but compliments from the dentist are always treasured. Boys are awesome. The eldest is testing his boundaries constantly. The youngest is just being a toddler. I felt so awful today because every single time...EVERY..SINGLE..TIME.. that he gets into his car seat he wants to buckle himself in. I always let him. I have never not let him. Today he started the whole "I wanna do it, lemme do it, I wanna do it." I kind of raised my voice and said I ALWAYS let him do it I DON'T EVER NOT let him do it, he does NOT need to start that monologue of "Let me". I paused and took a breath and noticed his bottom lip was quiveri...

It's been too long since my last entry, for my liking, anyway. The word 'busy' does not fully encompass my life. I'm holding it down though. I might not be doing the best job, I'm certain someone else could probably do way better than me, but I am doing the best that -I- can do and to me, that feels like a win. I am immensely proud. I make a lot of mistakes but I learn from them. Like, don't give a two-year old a bath and then give them a fudge popsicle. When one of them says they hurt, ALWAYS look. I'm treading water with school. I'm actually doing pretty well. This coming week will determine whether I pass Botany or not. If I don't make a certain grade on my test I will probably have to withdraw and try again this summer. Looking forward to spring break. I've thought about volunteering for more hours at work during that time off from school, but no. That's a no go. I need a little bit of a break.

A lot of controlled burning happening in the area. Has my allergies running amok. Totally bombed my botany lab quiz because I spent all of my time studying for the botany test. I passed but by the skin of my teeth. I'm so nervous about Botany. I am really starting to over stress myself. Caiden has an opportunity to attend VPK at UWF. It's a great opportunity and I would love for that to happen. I just really wish that it wasn't so far away. If I don't have a class that day then we are waking up to make 40 minute drive to drop the little guy off for four hours. Something to think about and something that I am very excited about. Getting flashcards to work with him over the summer.

It's funny how the timing in my day has changed. Now it's class times, bath times, peppa pig is on so we have an hour until bed prep, we have to have snacks and then brush our teeth, etc. Subtle changes in a single girl's routine. Middle of mid-terms are going well... so far. I am stressing about my Botany exam on Friday. I made a 50% on my first exam and really, REALLY need to do well on this one. I can't fail Botany. I seriously can NOT. I need to graduate. I will. There is no try, just do. Right yoda? Hormones are fluctuating, my lower back is giving me a physical middle finger and spasms at the most inopportune time. I need to start my literature review. It's funny how I also mark the passage of time by exams. Such as... I just need to make it through Friday. That is, until the next exam or project comes due. Loving it though and what is my mantra? This will all be worth it. It will aaaallllll be worth it!! No pizza deliveries. Single Valentines day. I boug...

Getting into the swing of things. I'm loving this new section of my life. I keep telling myself that it is temporary and I can't keep them and they won't get this routine permanently, but right now... I am enjoying it immensely. Had a minor scare this morning. We were at the park and both boys were standing next to each other, Noah calmly walks over to me and says he has a rock in his shoe. I look down and the boy is covered in ants!!! I stripped him and his shoes, they were all inside of his pants, up his legs. At least 20+ bites.  I was FREAKING!! I called the pediatrician, they were closed. I called Sacred Heart and they wouldn't give any medical advice over the phone. I did the only thing left to do... I asked my mom. LOL. I was on that boy watching for any signs of anaphylaxis. He's totally fine, of course. Keeping my head above water, school wise. I'm actually doing a lot better than I thought I was. A in every class except Botany. More focus there, obvi...